You are right. And I have pondered this: why did I want to start drinking again? I don't know why I want to drink. I'm not sure there's an answer. I think I just crave it nonsensically. I know I want to want NOT to drink.
I had a very easy time quitting in the first place. I never got into any trouble for drinking, but I realized that I'm an obsessive addict, and that I want to drink often and excessively. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm an alcoholic. But, once I realized that, it was relatively easy to quit. Now the desire to drink is like some crazed demonic force in my bloodstream. It makes no sense. I have heard others in recovery talk about experiencing relapses such as this, but I am at a big loss, caught in the midst of it myself. I honestly never thought I would do this. I knew there was danger of it, but I thought I'd probably be able to avoid it.
I feel like a moron and a *****. I really do.