wicked

just wanted to add another old voice here neomarxist (love that name by the way)
i drank from 16 to 36, that included losing custody of one child, and having two more children, who luckily have no memories of drunk mommy.
thank god i dont drink anymore.
i hope that at your young age you find the wisdom and courage i lacked to quit long before i lost my oldest son.
bless your heart, mourn what you need to, and try to move on.
there is life without alcohol, you might need to look outside the culture you are in now.

NEOMARXIST

Man , I am struggling through it today!! That was a toughie but I think I'm over the worst. I had to call a couple of AA No's and had a chat with them.

I think it's the age thing which I am finding so hard to come to terms with, which I think is totally rational really as when i start thinking about stuff I can come to the conclusion of wtf, what about music festivals, holidays, parties, celebrations, social gatherings? it all seems so boring and uninspiring now. I guess it's the rebel in me rebelling against all of this Recovery stuff as it's the opposite of what the rock n' roll person wants to do.

I feel in grieving, thats the only way to put it and without the 5+months of sobriety I don't think I would've have been able to get through this.

Even the thought of AA is starting to grate on me at the moment, I am tiring of having to go sit in a church (which I don't even agree with the religion) when I think people of my age should be out having a goodtime without analysing their minds so much. All of this self-analysis can get a little too much man, at times I just think WTF is all of this about? Drinking ultimately would turn nasty and AA would have well and truly have wrecked any last fun out of drinking! LOL, B*stards! LOL.

I guess it's the time of year but I guess how many others would sacrifice drinking at 23? The trouble with staying away from the first drink at all costs when still young is that you can't go to places where all others who you want to be meeting (ie- not alclholics 25+ years older) go to. It is easy to wonder wtf it's all about and I can depressed about all of this now.

I am going to stay sober through it all though but thats not to say that I have had a better xmas than if drinking, sure everythings civil and very respectable and no hangover/anxiety/guilt etcetc but for god sakes i just want some fun back again.

The trouble is also is that I never had much in common with non-drinkers/druggers as I always had stuff in common with more of the partyer types, It's all getting a little bit to mnuch of a mind-f*ck at the moment tbh.
I just feel like all my excitement and buzz/zest for upcomings events has just totally diminished.

Still sober though which i guess when it's all over I will be gratefull for but at times I think whats the point. I dunno I'm just getting really confused again.

bugsworth

Neo...I can identify with the feelings you are having even though I am 20 years your senior. What I will say to you is time will eventually change this. My first holiday season was incredibly boring. I did exactly what I was suppose to do...I didn't drink and I stayed away from those that did. The season passed without incident and from my perspective without fun. This holiday season...my third...I forced myself to participate in some of the festivities that I had previously avoided and to my surprise I had a blast. Sure people were drinking...some even got drunk. My point is that time gives us the perspective we need to see things the way they really are. Laughter can come without booze or at least without me ingesting it! lol Remain strong and steadfast knowing that the future and your life will change...things will not always be as they are today.

dedubya

Hey Neo
one thing I did and will do again is find my personality. This is weird - believe me I know- but you don't have to be drunk to be fun. I planted a remote control FART machine under the couch of our 'party' which included older peeps I havent seen in years, and kept the remote in my pocket and never revealed the source. It was a blast!!! It also has applause and burps. Anyway- being sober doesnt mean you dont have to have fun (or add to a party- even though there were some winces.....lol)
Life is fun-
I have to try also my friend-
Dub

coffeenut

Getting sober is working through all of your 'stuff'...and it looks like you are doing an excellent job. I so applaud you for doing this at your age. Your future children will never have to deal with what many of our children dealt with.

Right now that doesn't mean much to you, I'm sure. But it means the world to me...I seriously wish I would have gotten it together when I was younger. Best wishes on your sobriety!

NEOMARXIST

Thanks for your posts. I am just getting through it the best I can. I feel quite depressed at the moment in many ways but I am just getting through it. This Xmas has been uneventfull, a bit like sobriety feels, uneventfull. Even the 'events' just seem pointless. I'll get through it sober, I do hope that things do get better as I would hate to have to go through all of this slog to find more of this mundaness.

There is a certain madness and crazyness to drinking that I miss but I suppose it will all pass in time. Ain't half boring though.

NEOMARXIST

Feeling lots better now. My mind is like a YoYo at the moment going from relative clarity and calm through to racing negative illogical thoughts. I am just getting through it without taking a drink and I know it will get easier. I guess it's all part of the mind-games the alclholic mind plays on us. My problems truly are all in my head, when I am thinking well I am calm and full of clarity but when I am thinking bad I am irrational and pained.

I guess thats where the difficulty of sobriety lies, facing the uneasy and painfull thoughts/emotions knowing that drinking ain't an option. For me it really ain't an option and getting my thoughts out on SR helps me get things clearer and rational.


Thanks SR

Helene

Yep, that is SO me!!!! Why open a bottle if you are not going to drink it ALL? When I read your post I could totally identify. Sometimes when I am so close to having a drink that is one of the things that stops me, knowing that it won`t just be ONE drink because it never is, and then I will be wasted again and feel dreadful after, never mind what I will do while I am drunk....frightening really when I think about it that way.

Thanks for you post.

JKaren

As I sit here on the morning after Christmas I accept that I didn't live it up with family and friends who did yesterday. I also accept with gratitude that my body is not sick, my anxiety is contained, and I know what I did yesterday. I may not get my highs but thats because I cannot live with the lows.

Congrats on living sober for Christmas![/QUOTE]


Well said! I am 6 days out of rehab and still trying to figure out what to do with my time being a sober person. Thank you for the reminder to be grateful for every day of victory and not depressed about the lack of "high times".

Karen

WakeUp

Touche! Yeah, why open a bottle if you're only going to have one. If that were me, the whole bottle would be gone within an hour.

NEOMARXIST

Ploughing through the days sober ODAAT. That was my strategy and I had prepared for it. Staying sober young definately takes a certain degree of whiteknuckling/willpower, call it what you will, without that I would just go to hang with all peers at the pubs. Afterall thats where I always felt comfortable and is enjoyable entertainment, at least for the first few hours. This staying sober is a real mindf*ck. Seeing people at raves on TV and Music festivals really depresses me at times but I know it's all part of the process. I guess it's normal to want to be just mashing it up at my age. But I digress. The charcters I meet at AA are OK to see at meetings but realistically I ain't got a lot in common with most other than the fact that I am an alcoholic.

I have faith in the good people who tell me that it will get better. That hope is what keeps me sober more than anything. Also the fact that I truly don't want to drink.

This is a positive post of sorts though! lol

NEOMARXIST

I ain't going back!!!!!!!

One day at a time keeping sober and keeping up the good fight!!!!! Woot!!!!!! LOL.

hoping I'm coming out of this 'funk' now, been a 5 day funk, ain't really done a whole lot in the 5 days but my mind feels like it has been a battleground!!! haha,

Do 'normies' think this much? I think that I think way too much and one of the reasons I used to use booze was to stop me thinking!!! LOL.

Also I know now that I used booze to ease the anxiety that I have about my self-image. This is something that I know I really need to work on as part of my recovery. If I can get feeling more confident about my appearance/body then I will be sorted!! I look at people at times and just wonder why I can't snap myself out of it but I know that I used booze as an escape from these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

I think I am getting somewhere!!! As long as I stay sober I know things will all turn out...

Peace xxx