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Mourning

Old 12-26-2009, 04:58 AM
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Mourning

Kinda how I felt xmas eve, xmas day and I'm sure untill the new year is in.

I am ploughing through the days as I planned to do but I couldn't/cant help feelings at times like I ain't never gonna be able to really ever get back the excitement/thrill I used to get when I was drinking/drugging and not living this 'recovery' lifestyle. At times I just think wtf with all of this.

I do miss much of the feelings I used to get and many of the times I shared, both with others and myself without a care in the world, but I think it through and I remeber the awfull after effects of addiciton.

I still struggle with sounding like and having to act like mr sensible and feel at times like I am having to kill off the partier in me, lets be honest parties/gatherings ain't never gonna hold the same allure without knowing drinking/drugging gonna be going on. When I listen to people at my AA meetings talking about how their glad they don't have to put up with drunks I can't help feel like this sobriety lark doen make me somewhat of a party pooper and that's something I never ever was. I guess it's very difficult to be saying goodbye to drinking and everything that comes with it at 23. I do genuinely feel at times like I am just too young, but saying that I am always gratefull for not drinking the morning after a day.

I am living for tommorrow at the moment and I think that's what is hard. I just feel kinda sad at times and like all my fun in my life and anticipation of future events is all over. I know when i am back into the new year still sober and with 6 motnhs sober I will be feeling different but thats not to say it isn't hard. Times like these I can wonder wtf but I know that drinking would just turn nasty but thats not to say I don't mourn the person I was. I do feel like a new sensible/mature person but at times I wonder if I grew up too soon? Oh well I guess it's just xmas making me think like this but it don't help when damn near everyone else in AA (with any lasting sobriety) is at least 25+ years older if not more. I also sometimes look at some of the old-timers in AA and wonder if I actually want what they've got?

I am just ploughing on for the brighter future at the moment but sometimes I just want to have some release and buzz, especially when I'm off work and it's Christmas.

xxx
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:23 AM
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Neo, I'm one of the 25+ older people and I completely understand, relate, & sympathize with everything you've said. Those were my thoughts exactly. It truly is a grieving process for us.

Knowing the feelings don't stay that intense doesn't change the way you're feeling right now. The thoughts you're having need to be acknowledged & I'm glad you shared this with us. This is the dangerous stage, where many of us question what we're accomplishing. This Christmas is so much better for me than last holiday season, when all I did was feel sorry for myself and a sense of loss. I think nostalgia for the old days will always creep into our thoughts - but as we build our new life we get stronger & more confident that we've done the right thing. We have to keep remembering what the partying led to - which is what you're doing. It's the only way. You are doing great, be proud.
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:46 AM
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Thanks Hevyn!!
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Old 12-26-2009, 05:58 AM
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Hey Neo,
Mate, I had my first Christmas in over 20 years without the drink, and generally I have been going well, with 8 months.
I must admit there were stages during Christmas day that I felt I was missing my best friend.
Anyway, I got through it unscathed
One day at a time mate.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:19 AM
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Thanks Marty!!

I know it also must be difficult for you too being an Aussie male as well as I guess booze is so closely related to everything like it is in England. My whole teens was spent loving drinking booze underage and then waiting to become 18 so I could legally get smashed!! Slight exageration but you get the idea, booze was engrained within my ldentity/masculinity from day 1 really. Coming to terms with it can be quite sad tbh but I am getting through it ODAAT as I know I have to. I know it will all be worth it.
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Old 12-26-2009, 06:30 AM
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I admit to wanting pieces of my former drinking life too. I miss those good times while I had drinks. I miss the holidays having a big happy buzz. Truly I do.

I know what you mean by feeling the loss of no alcohol for the rest of your life. I'm 32 and if I let my mind wander I can easily conger images of parties and toasts that EVERYONE is participating in except me. Yeah, it can seem like a big gap in life. It would seem easier to accept if I was 50 or 60 and quit alcohol because there would be fewer years left in my life to not think about it, or crave it.

What if we could switch gears and think about how we can live our life with less drink-induced-drama? Realistically, we got (knock on wood) about 50, 60 or so years left of life. I do not want to live them in a puddle of vomit, wondering what I did, what was said, did I drive, emails, apologies - and how am I going to get a drink to be rid of these shakes. Back when I drank, I often didnt feel all that great even when I had 6+ in me.

For us, those few hours of happy time just became too much for us to control. While I lament the loss of the good times, truly I do, I absolutely do not miss the mess it made.

As I sit here on the morning after Christmas I accept that I didn't live it up with family and friends who did yesterday. I also accept with gratitude that my body is not sick, my anxiety is contained, and I know what I did yesterday. I may not get my highs but thats because I cannot live with the lows.

Congrats on living sober for Christmas!
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Old 12-26-2009, 07:10 AM
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Thanks c49999!!
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Old 12-26-2009, 07:13 AM
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Neomarxist I could have written that post.

Being in my mid 20's and in the UK, I appreciate just how much drink/drugs become part of the 'norm' at this time of year. All day yesterday I felt like I was missing out on the 'fun', like I was someone old before my time. I really know what you mean by mourning / grieving. But I've been looking at some of the posts on here and I know that it gets easier with time.

Personally I'm nervous about New Years eve - I haven't told my friends I'm not drinking or anything. I'll tell them I'm on medication or something so that there isn't any pressure.

Like you, I'm just looking forward to the brighter future. You are doing amazing, and you should be proud of yourself

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Old 12-26-2009, 07:21 AM
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It's funny because when I drank I always used to say that my booze buzz was only ever as good as how many beers I had left!!!! If I had drunk 25 beers then if there was another 25 waiting I was happy but if there was only 1 left then I was depressed as hell. The anticipation of the session is what i miss the most, usually much better than the actual session itself in many ways, I was only happy while there was plenty of booze/drugs left but i was decimated when it all came to an end.

I guess that just shows how 1 is always too many and 10000 never enough. I was never at a plateu with booze where I could just sit there and take it all in, I was only ever 'comfortable' with a drink in my hand. I never experienced any othyer drug like that for me, even Cocaine there came a plateu where I didn't want another line for about 15-20mins but with booze, only ever happy as long as there was more waiting.

I will never be satisifed with booze and drugs in general so i had to give surrender and say no more.
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Old 12-26-2009, 07:41 AM
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Thanks Lores!!
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:44 AM
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Last night my wife had a glass of wine. Then when I went to pour her another one, she said " no thanks". So I didn't pour it, but in my head I was like " WHAT!!!!...How can you only have one drink when there is 3 whole bottles left!!!!"

I guess thats a normal drinker for you. Now if I were to have that one glass of wine...I'd get that little magical tingle...and then I would immediately proceed to plow through the rest of whatever booze was left in the house. If I would cut it off at one, I would get a huge headache and get depressed for sure.

Wish I could be a normal drinker.......but I'm not.
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:57 AM
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Neo,
I understand how you're feeling, you're too young to act like the old codgers you see in AA. But you have so much to do in this life, and you can do it sober and clean, with a clear head and a strong, healthy body. You've got the world at your feet, man!

I wish I would have "got it" at an earlier age, maybe my brain wouldn't be so fried. Alcoholics that quit later have only past regrets to live with and a beat up body that they try to rehab back into shape.

You can do anything and be anything you want to in this life and you've got the time to do it.
Don't throw a young life away on booze, it's just not worth it.
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Old 12-26-2009, 09:38 AM
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Thanks mmeat and wakeup.

All these posts have really helped me. Thankyou everyone for replying.

I do feel like I am in mourning/grieving but I know it's all part of the process and to go back to drinking again isn't an option for me. I have come too far to even contemplate it realistically. Thats not to say I don't feel great sadness at times though as being young and not being able to go to places where all people my age go to is incredibly painfull at times TBH. But I know it has to be done. Making th4e decision to stay sober at 23 does involve making massive sacrifices but it is something which i don't have any choice in. I couldn't live with the booze in my life and I can absolutely live without the booze in my life, but I have to make massive sacrifices in order to do that. I used to love the atmosphere in pubs and bars at this time of year but if I can't drink booze in there then I ain't even gonna bother.

Sure is hard at times but I have faith in others that have gone before me that it will be worth it... Like I say I feel in a state of grieving but it will pass.

Thyanks again for all your posts.
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Old 12-26-2009, 03:53 PM
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Glad you're working through this Neo

D
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Old 12-26-2009, 04:06 PM
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Thanks Dee
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Old 12-26-2009, 07:54 PM
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Hi Neo.
Thanks for your post.
I agree with excately everything you have written and I could have written this post myself.
I really miss drinking too and loved the feeling of the second or third drink, but I could never moderate and quit at that amount. I almost always drank to excess.
I think we just need to accept that alcohol and ourseves do not mix well. We have to learn to live and accept that we can never drink like mmeat wife. There is nothing good about alcohol to an alcoholic. We have to learn better coping skills, which do not invold alcohol. I'm just hoping that this mourning peorid isn't forever and that it will pass. Most days I do not think about drinking, then there are days that I do and I mourn what I can not have.
Thanks again for your post. It has helped me today.
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:16 PM
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Dear Neo (((Hugs)))

Thank you SO MUCH for your post! Plus...CONGRATULATIONS on 6 fabulous sober months and still counting! You Rock for that and to have the courage to post your true feelings during this festive season. I have a good few months myself sober now Neo and I too...felt that strange desperate LOSS of not being part of the whole "drinking scene" especially yesterday and on Christmas Eve. New Year's will be another I guess but what the heck...it will be my 1st Sober Birthday so that might be fun?! Don't know cuz I've never had one before but I hope to have many more. I'm 52 though so I am sure at such a young age it IS VERY HARD to feel you fit in now without booze but YOU DO and you will dear friend. Stay strong - it's really WORTH IT Neo!

Love Pancake xo
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Old 12-26-2009, 08:29 PM
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Quit while your young and have your whole life ahead.

I just went 42 days ( I am 46 years old ) sober and drank tonight. I am so upset with myself. It was my first Christmas in 30 years sober. Today I went to a meeting and everyone there was bitching and miserable. No one was giving off positive vibes so I left right after. I thought long and hard and went to a friends and drank. I was so stupid to do it. He is not my true friend, only a drinking buddy. When I went sober, he never called me to check up on me or even say Hi. Tomorrow is day 1 all over again but i don't think I can do AA. people there are negative and preachy. Any ideas out there how to do this?
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Old 12-26-2009, 09:03 PM
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Try different meetings. It is so much better not doing it alone. No way everybody can be negative. I needed a entirely new circle of friends who understood me. All meetings have certain personalities. You will find yours. How cool to be young and find sobriety. You will remenber the holidays. You won't blow relationships. You will be a good parent.Think of the $ you will save. Think of the vehicles you will save. You body will be healthier. You will keep your braincells,liver,stomach,and mental faculties. I don't remember so many years. I didn't have real friends. I didn't serve jailtime but should have. I didn't lose jobs but should have. You are saving your life.
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Old 12-26-2009, 09:33 PM
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Hi neo 45 year oldie here. Just to add my support talking about thinking about it, is better than doing it, stay strong.
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