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I already messes up :(

Old 12-15-2009, 08:51 AM
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I already messes up :(

Quick question, I am always saying I am going to start tomorrow start tomorrow or in this case stop tomorrow stop tomorrow but as of today my husband and I made me a list of the things a normal person would do during the day run errands, make phone calls, do things besides sit home and drink/use. I cant stop everything and start counting my days becasue of what I have been doing is the type of getting high that you just cant stop without getting really sick so I know I am going to have to wean myself off of this crap somehow. I dont have an option to talk to a Dr. so I know you cant give medical advice so I am not asking for that, just letting you know the plan as I plan on taking (dragging you all kicking and screaming) through this journey (if you can call it that ith me) I have been here beofre years ago and SR & NA got me to 30 days 4 times in my adult life except for the 8.5 month when I found out I was pregnant and didnt touch a thing to have a happy healthy baby girl that is now 3 and perfect! But not mama i have been going down down down with drugs and alcohol since they gave me a script for percocet (I had no pain I do not even know what they gave it to me but of course I took it) but I have not been sober by my own choice sonce then, UI did have a freak medical back condidition that lead to an emergency spinal fusion surgery which now grants me access to just about any med I want on a steady basis. I now have unfortuanly been introduced by a fmaily member that lived with us for a while but is no longer in our home. He introduced me to introducing these meds in to my body in the worst of ways which I never did before and that lead me to have a few month run (this last few months) oh using the drug that is known to be the worst and administering it to myself in the worst way. I am not sure if this is like NA where you can say specific things like I said its a few years since I have been here. Yesterday was supposed to be 1 step I was takiing and my husband had finally put his foot down on allowing it in my home but I was never to do that again. I also intended not to. I threw away all of the supplies just to find myself this morning outside digging through the trash to get 1 of the supplies that is not broken so i can use ot again but I feel horrible, I medded up on that already. My question is, how do I stop those times where I go into an overdrive mode when it comes to the needle (I hope its ok to say that I dont know how else) but if I know there is one and I have somehting to put in it I go into an overdrive mode where I dont htink or care about my husbands wishes or antyhting I just move so fast until its done then I am hit with super guilt and am sstarting over. It not even 11 AM and I have already screwed uo for the day. Any suggestions? I am sure there are things that should seem obviuous here like the diseases I could get, inttroducing them to my husband or 3 year old I ADORE, WHich I lknow is a contradiciton in itself, potentially messup up my veins arms, I havent worked in a year I dont believe due to my using but that has made it VERY easy for me to get where I am now b/c I am not getting jobs. My resume and references and letters of recommendation, are all in line but there is a TON of competition out there and my industry is pretty specified and I have the most amazing interview oppertunity tomorrow b/c I have already interviewed with this co. for another position in the past twice so my chances are pretty good but I wanted to feel cleaner and strond and at least like i was moving in the right direction before the interview so that I was projecting some type of happiness at the interview but now I feel like i have already screwed that up. I have to work as I dont know how we have hung on this long without my income but it wont be long before we start losing things like our home cars, etc if I dont start working yesterday, so that is not an option, rehab also isnt, NA is hard b/c there is only 1 noon meeting around here and the rest are all at night and that is when I take care of my 3 year old and cook dinner and my daughter needs me for bathtime etc. that is our time in the evenings.
I can hear a lot of things going through my head from when I did go to NA such as I wont ever have that time agian with my daughter if I dont take care of myself now etc. but I told myself I am giving myself 2 weeks to try to do this with SR and wean myself off this junk and pray I have a job by the new year b/c iut seems like in my industry there is some hiring going on b/c I am am getting more calls now more than over the last year. OK lots of rambling, but all my concerns and all of which I will take any and all information, encouragement, advice, anyhting asnyone can give me with the little background I was able to give you.

Thank you so very much!
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Old 12-15-2009, 09:15 AM
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Ever tried Detox? Why isn't rehab an option?
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Old 12-15-2009, 09:18 AM
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Hi and Welcome,

I can relate to the overdrive that you're talking about, though I am an alcoholic. But, once my mind was made up to drink, I was off and there was no stopping me. I would get such a rush of energy as I went to the bank and then the liquor store. I really think that I loved the adrenaline rush, sneaking around, as much as the actual drinking.

What worked for me was making big changes during my day. I would make myself be doing something else so that I couldn't drop everything and run out to the store. Get rid of the needles you have, change your routines, call someone if you feel an urge, do whatever it takes.
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:01 AM
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First, and this is meant to encourage the help and input of others like me who have aging eyes and don't read on the screen so well -- please try to break up your long posts into paragraphs, double spacing after every sentence if necessary. I'm sure there are folks like me who have a hard time keeping the words from running together and pass on by a long post rather than read it.

Second, why can't you talk with your doctor? Are you concerned that she or he will cut off your supply? Because if you really want to stop using, that's not a bad thing.

Third, this obsession to use, even at the risk of your marriage and your ability to be a mother to your daughter, is part of addiction. It's why we have such a hard time doing this alone. When we're alone, we're alone with the obsession, and the obsession is stronger than we are.

I saw your post asking for NA members in your area. How about just going? If you went to meetings before, you're likely to find some of those same people still there.

Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Old 12-15-2009, 10:11 AM
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It doesn't matter that you're using...GET TO A MEETING!
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Old 12-15-2009, 11:52 AM
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Scars,Souvineers we never lose
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Thanks all

For your responses and YES I tend to be what I like to call DETAILED but others will call LONG WINDED HAHA so I will take the advice of 1 poster and break up my posts into smalles paragraphs with breaks so I dont scare people off. See I am the opposite...I see a post that looks like a novel and I am all over it.

Yes I know there are likely to be some peolple that I saw at meeting before but as I mentioned (I am not sure if it was in this post) but I dont do well with woman and I believe that is b/c my mother is an alcoholic and father is recovering and my father asked her my senior year of HS to choose us 3 daughters and husband of over 20 years to get sober w/ him or choose drinking and she schose and I havent spoken to her since.

Its not like I get along better with guys ONLY, but I grew up such a tomboy, and with the resentment towards my mother that is ongoing, with a guy friends (and No I am not super pretty but luckily I am getting better looking with age and educating myself on how to make kyself less of a tom boy and more presentable) which is vital since my career is in cosmetic surgery and I have to "look the part" But it is not b/c I want someone to flirt with but becomming close (as in having a female sponsor which I know is recommended or vital for recovery) it is hard for me to see myself having that bond with another woman, but I am willing to try.

Thanks for the posts and being a 4th or 5th time arounder I feel a bit of the tough love BUT I NEED IT that is how things and others words get through to me so please keep em coming, I do appreciate it more than you would ever know. <3 Chris
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Old 12-15-2009, 12:32 PM
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Chris,

It's more common than not that women trying to get sober will say they get along better with men than with women. Though I'm not dismissing the experience you've had with your mother, we often find the reason we feel more comfortable with men is that they're easier to manipulate. Then, there's that competitive factor, too. We alcoholics and addicts are usually not short on ego, whether it's telling us we're the greatest or the worst.

So, I would suggest you listen closely to the women who share in meetings. When you hear those who speak in a humble way, not too cocky and not entirely self-deprecating, either, then, if you're willing to give this way a shot, ask those women for phone numbers -- and use them, no matter how heavy that telephone might seem to be. We can say all we want, "Suggestions a, b & c are hard for me. I just don't know if I can," but let me assure you, we've all thought there were things we couldn't do. It really comes down to what we're willing to do.

Not many junkies manage to hold onto their presentable looks or snag the job they want. Not many junkies manage to keep their families together indefinitely. And, even these days with detoxes, treatment centers and meetings every day of the week, not many junkies live long waiting around for tomorrow when they think they'll quit. Gotta get off your behind and do something, Chris.

I'll second basIam -- get started. Go to a meeting. Listen.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

P.S. Your second post was much easier to read. Thank you.
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Old 12-15-2009, 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Sugah View Post
First, and this is meant to encourage the help and input of others like me who have aging eyes and don't read on the screen so well -- please try to break up your long posts into paragraphs, double spacing after every sentence if necessary. I'm sure there are folks like me who have a hard time keeping the words from running together and pass on by a long post rather than read it.
YES, I've ignored many a posts for this reason. It drives me nuts trying to read it. I've tried before and end up with a headache. It just ain't worth it. Please folks, this is important. Paragraphs - a wonderful invention.
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Old 12-15-2009, 02:31 PM
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I'm new here but I'm pretty sure you can say what you were using / how you were using (someone correct me if I'm wrong). From what you said I'm assuming you were injecting prescription opiates. I've never injected but I am an opiate addict so I've got some experience being where you're at.

I can't give you medical advice, but as far as being sick / withdrawing -- yes it sucks, but it also doesn't last that long and it's not going to kill you (unless you have some other medical condition). Personally, in my experience and from what I've seen with my friends, tapering with your drug of choice pretty much never works because you're always gonna be tempted to take more. Cold turkey sucks, but the physical part will be over in 3-5 days. Going through withdrawal also served as a bit of a wake up call for me to the consequences of opiate use and gave me a little more motivation not to get myself in that trap again.

If you really _cannot_ be sick for some reason (since you're not working I can't see why you couldn't), then it might be worth it to talk to your doctor about suboxone. It will keep you feeling "normal" (i.e. not sick) while at the same time preventing you from getting high on other opiates. Then you have time to sort your life out and get into some positive routines and you can ween off when you are more mentally stable. I've never been on suboxone but from what I've seen with friends it's much easier to ween off of since you don't really get high from it so there isn't the temptation to take more.

If you do decide to go the cold turkey route, shoot me a PM and I can show you where to find some tips on making it more comfortable. I may not be great on staying sober but I know a few ways to make the physical part more bearable.
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