Dream2bClean

Quick question, I am always saying I am going to start tomorrow start tomorrow or in this case stop tomorrow stop tomorrow but as of today my husband and I made me a list of the things a normal person would do during the day run errands, make phone calls, do things besides sit home and drink/use. I cant stop everything and start counting my days becasue of what I have been doing is the type of getting high that you just cant stop without getting really sick so I know I am going to have to wean myself off of this crap somehow. I dont have an option to talk to a Dr. so I know you cant give medical advice so I am not asking for that, just letting you know the plan as I plan on taking (dragging you all kicking and screaming) through this journey (if you can call it that ith me) I have been here beofre years ago and SR & NA got me to 30 days 4 times in my adult life except for the 8.5 month when I found out I was pregnant and didnt touch a thing to have a happy healthy baby girl that is now 3 and perfect! But not mama i have been going down down down with drugs and alcohol since they gave me a script for percocet (I had no pain I do not even know what they gave it to me but of course I took it) but I have not been sober by my own choice sonce then, UI did have a freak medical back condidition that lead to an emergency spinal fusion surgery which now grants me access to just about any med I want on a steady basis. I now have unfortuanly been introduced by a fmaily member that lived with us for a while but is no longer in our home. He introduced me to introducing these meds in to my body in the worst of ways which I never did before and that lead me to have a few month run (this last few months) oh using the drug that is known to be the worst and administering it to myself in the worst way. I am not sure if this is like NA where you can say specific things like I said its a few years since I have been here. Yesterday was supposed to be 1 step I was takiing and my husband had finally put his foot down on allowing it in my home but I was never to do that again. I also intended not to. I threw away all of the supplies just to find myself this morning outside digging through the trash to get 1 of the supplies that is not broken so i can use ot again but I feel horrible, I medded up on that already. My question is, how do I stop those times where I go into an overdrive mode when it comes to the needle (I hope its ok to say that I dont know how else) but if I know there is one and I have somehting to put in it I go into an overdrive mode where I dont htink or care about my husbands wishes or antyhting I just move so fast until its done then I am hit with super guilt and am sstarting over. It not even 11 AM and I have already screwed uo for the day. Any suggestions? I am sure there are things that should seem obviuous here like the diseases I could get, inttroducing them to my husband or 3 year old I ADORE, WHich I lknow is a contradiciton in itself, potentially messup up my veins arms, I havent worked in a year I dont believe due to my using but that has made it VERY easy for me to get where I am now b/c I am not getting jobs. My resume and references and letters of recommendation, are all in line but there is a TON of competition out there and my industry is pretty specified and I have the most amazing interview oppertunity tomorrow b/c I have already interviewed with this co. for another position in the past twice so my chances are pretty good but I wanted to feel cleaner and strond and at least like i was moving in the right direction before the interview so that I was projecting some type of happiness at the interview but now I feel like i have already screwed that up. I have to work as I dont know how we have hung on this long without my income but it wont be long before we start losing things like our home cars, etc if I dont start working yesterday, so that is not an option, rehab also isnt, NA is hard b/c there is only 1 noon meeting around here and the rest are all at night and that is when I take care of my 3 year old and cook dinner and my daughter needs me for bathtime etc. that is our time in the evenings.
I can hear a lot of things going through my head from when I did go to NA such as I wont ever have that time agian with my daughter if I dont take care of myself now etc. but I told myself I am giving myself 2 weeks to try to do this with SR and wean myself off this junk and pray I have a job by the new year b/c iut seems like in my industry there is some hiring going on b/c I am am getting more calls now more than over the last year. OK lots of rambling, but all my concerns and all of which I will take any and all information, encouragement, advice, anyhting asnyone can give me with the little background I was able to give you.

Thank you so very much!