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Old 10-31-2009, 01:43 AM
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again

Ok, I might as well get it off my chest, if nothing else.

I been sitting here for a few hours now, really wanting to drink. When it started, I had about an hour left to get to the store. Now, I can't drink tonight.

All day, I was feeling okay, until I started walking to that AA meeting. Passed a million stores seemed like, and each one made think about just getting a bottle and going home. It wasn't fear of the meeting or anything, just like a random thought that got stronger and stronger.

I got to the meeting and home again. Dang near killed me, I had to look down and think about other stuff. Time I got home, I was so tired, I watched internet tv for a spell and fell asleep. Woke up still wanting to drink. Stepped outside for to smoke, and all I seen were half drunk people in costume.

So then I felt lonelier and still wanted to drink--it was more of a reason to drink. Tried calling all the numbers I had, nobody answered.

All week, I been sober, which is mighty long for me lately. And I finally got my life sort of on track, I don't want to mess it up again. Heck, I been through the whole list of why I ought to not drink, nothing's sinking in.

Can't drink tonight, but I'm afraid of tomorrow... I already slept on this, and woke up with the same feeling.

And, I don't know if it's relevant, but all week, I been thinking about being held. To the point of obsession--when I stopped thinking about that earlier, I thought it was over, but my thoughts just switched to equal obsession only drinking. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me, it happened once since July I know. I think I'm going crazy.

I was crying about this a couple hours ago, what is wrong with me? I never had this kind of fixation before (I don't think) and since I can't have human contact, my mind goes right back to the bottle--or that's how it seems. And I was doing pretty good.

Wasn't gonna say anything, but

I don't know.

I don't even know if I'm asking anything. Nobody's ever around when I'm having the worst times, it seems. I already know, don't do it, this too shall pass--well, I heard it, don't know if I feel those things yet--but this night just looks longer and longer as it goes on.

-TB
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Old 10-31-2009, 01:54 AM
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I dunno if I can tell you anything I haven't said before...all I can do is share my journey Bubba.

Drinking never solved anything for me TB - if I was really lucky, I got my pathetic wish and it made me forget stuff for a little while, but even that stopped happening for me.

Being lonely is really hard - that's what got me started on 'serious' drinking...but the kicker is? The more I drank the less I was the kind of person anyone would want to be around...and that's not just when I was drunk...there's something about an alcoholic between drinks that's just...wrong I think. We need to address that wrongness in order to move forward.

I'm sorry that noone answered your calls. That seems to happen to you a lot - to me thats not your fault, but it still sucks you have to wear it.

But...you're not alone... This place proves it, time and again.

It may not help you feel better - I get that - I've been there, but lemme tell ya...the way forward to dealing with all the little issues in your life is to *deal* with them...

and the first step there is to not run to the bottle.

It's hard, but the rewards are worth it - and you deserve the rewards, Bubba.

D
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Being lonely is really hard - that's what got me started on 'serious' drinking...but the kicker is? The more I drank the less I was the kind of person anyone would want to be around...and that's not just when I was drunk...
That's what I'm afraid of. Not only have I been alone too long, but it seems to me that the years in question are going to be a problem... I've been alone as an adult, and in a different world as a teenager. I'm afraid I'll have nothing left to relate to people if I ever get back into a semi-normal world. Nothing to talk about, I mean normal things, not about me or about drinking or anything.
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:10 AM
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I went to 3 meetings today tb. I don't buy into AA whole heartedly, there are things that don't sit well with me. I tried one meeting out of curiosity though, and all of the people there were hugging and kissing and so pleased to see each other.

My room mate is out at a bar tonight getting sh!t faced. My other buddies in this town are gathered around a vaporizer, smoking their brains out. I've decided, I need some new friends.

So, most of the time I go to a meeting (been to maybe 1/2 dozen so far), I come in right when it starts and leave before the circle . . .thing. And I make no friends. Today I hung out, introduced myself, told people I wanted a sponsor, even got called upon to share (all of that kind of sucked, but I'm alive and well).

I still didn't get a sponsor, or get invited over for pigs in a blanket and twister. But I have finally seen something "I want that they have". I think I want to be in that clique. I hope I don't end up as clonishly happy as some seem, but I reckon clonishly happy might be better than sitting home alone some nights.

So I will keep going back. I'll suck up to people, make friends, volunteer to stay late and put away freakin chairs. Worst case scenario, I end up brain washed and silly happy (I know, you steppers like a good washing of the brain! I prefer to keep a little of the dirt=) But if silly happy is worst case, that's not so bad. Maybe I will never make a friend there, I still haven't lost anything (that seems unlikely given the atmosphere).

Maybe this time next year I will have my costume all picked out for a sober halloween party=)

p.s., in case you missed my tongue in cheek attempt at humor, I actually think AA is a pretty grand program, and I credit it with saving thousands of lives. I was mostly poking fun at the uniqueness of my own snowflake
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:17 AM
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You gotta stop letting your fear talk to you so much Bubba.

I was alone for 30 years Bubba. I have cerebral palsy and a very bad stutter.

I had no reason to think I would ever find someone who would love me for me.

But it happened.
And more than that today? I wonder why I ever doubted that it would.

The difference is I stopped selling myself short - I learned to love myself.

I could only do that by facing stuff and growing...and I could only do that by not drinking myself into oblivion self loathing and stagnation.

Ok, I'm boring myself now
Outa here

D
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:24 AM
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Originally Posted by Gypsy Feet View Post
I still didn't get a sponsor, or get invited over for pigs in a blanket and twister. But I have finally seen something "I want that they have". I think I want to be in that clique. I hope I don't end up as clonishly happy as some seem, but I reckon clonishly happy might be better than sitting home alone some nights.
Hi Gypsy feet - this really relates to the post I just posted - the clonishly happy bit and feeling like I've joined a new cult Hell of a lot better than a miserable **** up on my own, I suspect. I do get the Hari Hari vibe sometimes, but I get that at yoga as well and I like that too.

Bubba - virtual (((((((huggs))))))
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:29 AM
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testify !! Off to bed for me now, be well~
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:30 AM
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We're all here for you TB. I know how you're feeling, I was alone for 10 years. PM me if ya ever need a good chatter, im ALWAYS around
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Old 10-31-2009, 03:22 AM
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there's something about an alcoholic between drinks that's just...wrong I think. We need to address that wrongness in order to move forward.
Good point Dee: it is addressing that wrongness that is a big part of the journey. It's not always fun, but it sure is a good feeling when we can finally start connecting the dots...
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Old 10-31-2009, 03:41 AM
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Thanks for your share. The first law of addiction states that if you pick up, you will end up where you left off. I can not pick up. I can not handle being a practicing alchoholic. I will go through life with optimism, hope and courage. I hope that all is well with you. Best regards. Dan.
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Old 10-31-2009, 04:02 AM
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I'd love to be a fly on the wall at these AA meetings you go to, or better yet be sitting in the room in person...i don't understand why you seem to not be getting more from them...your posts seem to indicate that you are going to them, talking to people, staying to talk to them at the end in an open and honest way etc...is this the case?

All the stuff that is going on in your head just means that you are caught up in the insanity of alcoholism, this is especially apparent on the days that you do not drink not on the days that you do...thats the way it works

A time of abstinance is not getting sober, working the steps to the best of your ability and ongoing will get and keep you sober. I noticed that in another thread you said that you don't think you could be as happy as people with a long time of not drinking, please don't assume that people are happy because they say they have 100, 1000 days...i see people in the meetings that have this time, even 20 years who are just as unhappy and insane, and the only thing misssing is the drink in their hand...this is a really dangerous way of thinking TB.

You have to force the isssue at your meetings, you have to pick one person to be your sponosr and you have to start working the steps...like today...now...otherwise nothing will change!

Get the idea of being unique out of your head too, you are not and neither is any other alcoholic! You are no different to me, i understand the loneliness and the hug thing and have had all the feelings that you are having. You are not alone and you will understand this i hope soon!

I love SR but you have to see people in person to guage their level of sobriety and whether it is something you really want, it is easy to act upbeat and everytime someone asks you if you are ok simply answer yes im fine...if you aren't sober then this is just another self delusion on their part which is bad enough but then a newcomer, like you, will take this on board and this will cause even more confusion.

Force the isssue TB, it doesn't matter if the person you are asking has 2 heads...have they worked the steps, can they show you how they did it, and will they help you...and the most important question, for yourself, are you willing to do anything to get sober?!

Once you have worked the steps, especially step 4 and 5, you will begin to see who you are and understand other people a lot better...e.g. when someone 'relapses' after a number of years you will NOT be completely baffled by this and will understand why. You will also begina relationship with yourself and, like magic (hehehe), you will see that you have loads of options in your life and you are not trapped in the path as it feels that you are now, e.g. i have to do this will turn into i want/choose to do this...or you simple won't do it...why would anyone who is not insane do something they don't want to do!?

C'mon next meeting...force yourself to get started:-)

Oh here is a good measuring stick to see if you are doing the right things at AA, a) it is written in the big book/12 and 12, b) you won't want to do it at all;-)

Love the cult reference hehehe reminds me of the day i asked someone to be my sponsor...he said well first i need to ask you are you willing to do anything to get sober, please think about it for the weekend...i said i don't mean to be disrespectful but i think you have the wrong impression i will do anything you tell me to do to get sober and i mean anything...he looked a bit startled and said that whatever he asked me to do would be in the big book, it wasn't him telling me what to do and they are suggestions...i just said i will do anything you tell me to do...and i did and i will...lucky for the world it's a kind of nice cult lol

This is one happy clone

Big, big hug for ya :ghug3TB you know the sort you can't wriggle out of and can barely gasp a breath
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:28 PM
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A very big hug from the heart i give to you
so that we can stay clean and sober today.
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Old 10-31-2009, 03:06 PM
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That's a cool post Dee
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Old 10-31-2009, 03:09 PM
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Bubba, man... you can say whatever you want here, I think. People want to hear and everyone learns something from everybody. I can't solve your problem but I am glad you are here and I was glad you were here yesterday. You help me by talking here.
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Old 10-31-2009, 09:06 PM
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Well y'all, I did not drink yesterday... or so far today either. Don't know how.

Last night I eventually dried my eyes and fell asleep. Today I did what I had to do, got to 1 1/2 meetings... I was depressed for the first, didn't even stand up, but they know me there & gave me a hug. The second, I had to walk an hour to get to. I was an hour late. Was gonna share but didn't, because there was no time left.

Originally Posted by yeahgr8 View Post
I'd love to be a fly on the wall at these AA meetings you go to, or better yet be sitting in the room in person...i don't understand why you seem to not be getting more from them...your posts seem to indicate that you are going to them, talking to people, staying to talk to them at the end in an open and honest way etc...is this the case?
You know, I think I might have figured something out... everybody in the meeting has more than five years. Except maybe 3 or 4 people out of 30. Which opens the possibility that, for 5 years, they've been a closed community...

I've found better ones, I'm over that stupid meeting. And I discovered I get half off bus fares today! Now if only the nearest bus line wasn't a half an hour away...

Originally Posted by yeahgr8 View Post
All the stuff that is going on in your head just means that you are caught up in the insanity of alcoholism, this is especially apparent on the days that you do not drink not on the days that you do...thats the way it works
(emphasis mine)

Thanks ... that gave me more to stress on last day. But it's okay, I was prestressed. What you said's too true.

Anyways, I got a ride home tonight!

Just thought I'd put it down, I actually survived all that--ohhh I forgot the best part. I was waiting on a bus and these two drunk guys come up, and one of them is beyond wasted, I give him my seat because otherwise somebody'd have to pick him up off the sidewalk. The other one talks to me and invites me in on the bottle of gin he's got...

Why do the first people to 'welcome' me to this part of Southern California have to be the ones with the bottles...

So I said no... repeatedly. He wanted to make sure of all sorts of things, like I had somewhere to go tonight (do I look that bad off? shoot, it's halloween...) and other attempts to get me to kick it with him.

Time I got off that bus, I wished I was closer than an hour to that meeting, that's for dang sure. So then I passed 2 liquor stores and a bar... if this is a test, somebody's throwing the curve... and it's not me.

Or a curveball...


-TB, trying to figure out if she's sober in a classroom or a ballpark...
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Old 10-31-2009, 09:22 PM
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Thats for not drinking yesterday or today!

:ghug3 and there's a hug for ya!
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Old 10-31-2009, 09:32 PM
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((((tb))))

Hang in there! I just wanted you know I'm thinking about you!

Love,

Lenina
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Old 10-31-2009, 10:49 PM
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Been there...trying to get through my first 24 hours and have failed for the last four days, so you have something on me....I do know where you are coming from though...just a friendly face or a nod or a hug or anything from anyone which might let you know you are not in this battle alone and that someone actually gives a crap about what you are going through. Well, I do and you inspired me tonight with your words....I have tried (obviously not hard enuf) to go to a meeting the last week since I began making this decision and haven't made it there yet, so I admire your courage and determination. Maybe tomorrow I can be as brave as you and actually go to my first meeting without thinking I will die from a panic attack and get my first 24 hours. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone......
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Old 10-31-2009, 11:07 PM
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welcome to SR bleus2dogs

Posting here is a great first step - you'll find a lot of support here to help

D
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Old 11-01-2009, 12:59 AM
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Welcome & thanks, bleus2dogs.

Best advice I can give on that, is just do it. Sounds silly, but I never thought I'd go to a meeting... and I wouldn't have if I hadn't pretty much just closed my eyes for a moment and pretended I was drunk and just floating along...

Unfortunately, I got treated pretty badly the first go-round. The folks here at SR got me convinced that AA wasn't all like that... thanks, guys.

Thanks to everybody for the support. The storm's far from over, but I'm still standing...

Anyhow, didn't drink today either. Dang tempted about most of the day. Well, almost all of the day. What did they do before chat rooms?

Take care y'all,
-TB, with an astounding eight smiley faces lined up in a row on her calendar.
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