again
Ok, I might as well get it off my chest, if nothing else.
I been sitting here for a few hours now, really wanting to drink. When it started, I had about an hour left to get to the store. Now, I can't drink tonight.
All day, I was feeling okay, until I started walking to that AA meeting. Passed a million stores seemed like, and each one made think about just getting a bottle and going home. It wasn't fear of the meeting or anything, just like a random thought that got stronger and stronger.
I got to the meeting and home again. Dang near killed me, I had to look down and think about other stuff. Time I got home, I was so tired, I watched internet tv for a spell and fell asleep. Woke up still wanting to drink. Stepped outside for to smoke, and all I seen were half drunk people in costume.
So then I felt lonelier and still wanted to drink--it was more of a reason to drink. Tried calling all the numbers I had, nobody answered.
All week, I been sober, which is mighty long for me lately. And I finally got my life sort of on track, I don't want to mess it up again. Heck, I been through the whole list of why I ought to not drink, nothing's sinking in.
Can't drink tonight, but I'm afraid of tomorrow... I already slept on this, and woke up with the same feeling.
And, I don't know if it's relevant, but all week, I been thinking about being held. To the point of obsession--when I stopped thinking about that earlier, I thought it was over, but my thoughts just switched to equal obsession only drinking. I can't remember the last time someone hugged me, it happened once since July I know. I think I'm going crazy.
I was crying about this a couple hours ago, what is wrong with me? I never had this kind of fixation before (I don't think) and since I can't have human contact, my mind goes right back to the bottle--or that's how it seems. And I was doing pretty good.
Wasn't gonna say anything, but
I don't know.
I don't even know if I'm asking anything. Nobody's ever around when I'm having the worst times, it seems. I already know, don't do it, this too shall pass--well, I heard it, don't know if I feel those things yet--but this night just looks longer and longer as it goes on.
-TB