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I knew it was coming

Old 10-23-2009, 04:49 PM
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I knew it was coming

Well A few months and not one craving or urge. Yea..I knew that wasnt going to last long. Actually it lasted way longer than I expected.
I have recenty stopped taking tramadol prescribed to me for my back and knee pain and have been withdrawing some physically. I have felt like crap for the past few days. In alot of pain and sweating alot then chills and head zaps. Zero energy. I chose to stop taking them because I dont want to depend on them to take my pain away anymore. And the way it feels when I dont take them, which is usually my days off I feel sick and the pain is amplified 100 fold.
So yesterday I had a really strong craving in my gut then chest. Felt really anxious and sick to my stomach like it always feels when I feel a crack urge.
I quickly told myslef thats BS and its not happening. Today at work it hit me real strong. Gone as fast as it came. Leaving work it hit even harder, Hey I got paid today. And yes even slipped a little possibility in. Just a tiny tiny bit. Again, immediately said out loud even, "Thats not gonna happen. Its not even an option so get over it." Then I looked at my new shoes I had on, Thought of all the stuff I have been accumulating again and I am so caught up on every single bill for once in my life. Took the lil cousins to Chuckie Cheese for dinner and just got back and am hit with the dam feeling again.
They arent continuous. But really really strong and just come out of nowhere.
Its Friday, I have a good stack of money and I dont have to work until late tomorrow.
I am 99.999999% sure I wont go and 100% that I dont want to. But theres still that .000001% that is still not defiante and thats all it takes sometimes to grow like wildfire.
I am not going to a meeting. Thought about it. Theres on down the road in 12 mins. But I am not and will not go.
I am not trying to do this my way or on my own. So yea, Thats whay I am here.
I dont even know why I am here telling you all this. And I know some are saying to themselves that I am going to F up. Hey its my pattern. But I am pretty positive I wont and def positive I dont want to.
But even the tiniest feeling scares me.
I am just going to stay glued to SR and whatever else I can tonight.
Anyway. Thx
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Old 10-23-2009, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I am 99.999999% sure I wont go and 100% that I dont want to. But theres still that .000001% that is still not defiante and thats all it takes sometimes to grow like wildfire.
I am not going to a meeting. Thought about it. Theres on down the road in 12 mins. But I am not and will not go.
I hope you'll send that tiny nano-spec of a chance straight to hell Trish, I hate to see you go down that dark road again.

What if going to that meeting would help to erase that defiance, would you consider going then? You know how much you're loved and supported here, that will never change. Sending some prayers, and hope that the urge goes away.
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Old 10-23-2009, 04:59 PM
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A craving is just a craving Trish - it doesn't have to go anywhere if you don't want it too.

I'd think of it as the effects of going off the tramadol...I always found it easier to deal with something if I could put a physical cause on it.

I have faith in you
D
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:00 PM
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Hi Aysha,

I've come to appreciate and value your presence here, especially when I come back with my tail between my legs, after yet another attempt to prove I can beat alcohol without any help. It hasn't worked for me, nor will it work for you, as you well know. The feelings of, "I'll just have one, just do a little" are a lie, we never just do a little.

I hope you are able to weather this storm of desire, temptation and frustration at not being able to just do what we want, to hell with the consequences. The consequences are real, and they suck! Hang in there.
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:03 PM
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I really hate going into why I dont go to meetings. We all see how fast the threads get out of control. ie: The one that just got locked.
Honestly. I have come out of that particular meeting craving more than I did before I went. Dont know why. Its not their fault. But even just thinking and being aware of it is making it worse. I dont know why.
So the best thing for me to do is distract myself any way possible. Even sticking around here may not be a good idea. Just the whole talking and thinking about addiciton and recovery can make it worse sometimes. You know what I mean.
I will be ok. That I have no doubt. But I dont like having that tiny feeling. Not at all. I dont care if I was locked in a cage on the moon. I dont like it.
I will be fine. ....
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
And I know some are saying to themselves that I am going to F up. Hey its my pattern. But I am pretty positive I wont and def positive I dont want to.
But even the tiniest feeling scares me.
I am just going to stay glued to SR and whatever else I can tonight.
Anyway. Thx

Hey, I've relapsed more times than I can count. I'm grateful for my sober time right now. It's what I have...and I know how often people relapse. It can happen to anyone...but it doesn't have to happen to you or me.

Be easy on yourself, Trish. Easier said...I know, but you'll make it through this. You're staying on your toes and I think that's great.

Hang in there.
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I really hate going into why I dont go to meetings. We all see how fast the threads get out of control. ie: The one that just got locked.
Honestly. I have come out of that particular meeting craving more than I did before I went. Dont know why. Its not their fault.
Understood. And I respect your honesty about it. I come to SR for support and relief during the day when I can't be at a meeting. It's my method of distraction at the office, where my drinking would begin every day.
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:30 PM
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I too have faith that you won't give in to that tiny urge to use. I just don't think you'll do it, you value your life now too much to give it away for getting high.

Hang in there Trish, you'll be alright.

xoxo
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:43 PM
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Stay strong, and close to whatever support you find best and most helpful
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Old 10-23-2009, 06:10 PM
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Brother--I won't tell you to either go/stay away from a meeting. The decision is entirely up to you....however, as an addict in recovery myself--I will tell you what I see from this side. I see you in relapse mode and right now any thoughts/actions can be critical in whether or not using is/isn't an option.

First off--congrats on posting and being honest. I find that by telling on myself beforehand and sharing openly with others in recovery how I feel---well, it lessens those cravings,.....or obsessive thoughts about using. Just remember you never have to use again--NO MATTER WHAT happens.

I know you are a strong person and have fierce determination when you really set your mind to something--which can work both for and against us at times. I am glad to see you here and reaching out to others. Your SR family loves/cares about you very much.

Stay strong and feel free to PM me if you need to.
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Old 10-23-2009, 07:58 PM
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sorry for your urges. i was addicted to tramadol for years. i quit them cold turkey and it was hell.....worse than the alky withdrawals to me. i then did some internet research and it said the tramadol w.d.'s are as bad if not worse than opiate w.d.'s.

i've been off tramadol for about 3 years now. day 46 on the alcohol today. you can do it. it's not easy but you can stay off.
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Old 10-23-2009, 08:19 PM
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trish stay with us sweety!! Read the post about truckers bud, and barb's coworker, it could be us so easily. Many hearts would break as one my dear.

I had my first craving for a drink in months today (got dumped by a guy cause I was a danger to HIS sobriety haha=)

I did some pretty nice art, worked on a mosaic mailbox I will try and get a pic up, then went to the gym. Now I am watching comedies, and I feel stronger for making it through another sober day. Check my profile pics for MY "prgram work", I'll get them up right now, and STAY WITH US
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Old 10-23-2009, 08:24 PM
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Trish, just don't. No matter what, no matter what.......it's not worth it. Hang on, stay here, chat with us. Go play in the arcade. Don't do it. So not worth it and you have so much kick ass stuff going on right now.

You know you're team is here for ya!!! Hang in there Girl. You can do it!!!!
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Old 10-23-2009, 09:37 PM
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Aysha, If I read your thread correctly, you're not going to meetings nor are you trying to do this your own way or on your own. This begs the question, just what are you doing for your recovery? These pangs you're getting aren't unusual, and it seems that you've been pretty successful in holding them off. That's great! But you really need some type of structured program to help you through all this. To me it seems that you are trying to go this alone and you're seeing how difficult that can be. Posting here will get you a lot of support and encouragement, but you ought to get some face to face support also. If you don't like meetings, that's fine. But at least look into a Plan B. There are a lot of them out there.
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Old 10-23-2009, 10:03 PM
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Not worth it, lady. I wish you all the strength you need today...
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Old 10-24-2009, 07:55 AM
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How's my Girl today? Thinking about you. I hope you're hanging in there!! Tons of hugs and love!! :ghug3
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Old 10-24-2009, 12:00 PM
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Thx everyone. I am sick today. My back is killing me. No matter what position I sit or lay in..It hurts and is just aching and very very uncomfortable. And my knees too. But not as bad as my back. I called out of work today cause I am in so much pain and getting over bronchitis and seems like starting a cold.
All I want to do is lay down and sleep and I cant because it hurts.
But enough whining from me.
I wish one of the lil cousins were here now so they could walk on my back or somehting.
I dont have to work until Monday afternoon. So I am just going to rest today and then try and get motivated physically tomorrow.
All I want to do is drink alot of juice too. I am like craving juice.
I am gonna try and lay down. I have watched most of my DVR shows. I hardly ever watch broadcast tv anymore. LOL
I have a movie I havent watched from the library. So maybe when the grams gets up from her nap I will cozy on the couch with my 2 cats and watch it.
Thx again everyone.
And j...Your right. I need f2f. Maybe I am not giving it a chance. I will go round and round with it as always. I just cant get into the 12 steps.
I have been so busy being motivated from all that has been happening good in my life.
Maybe I really need to reconsider other options. I will admit I dont work a structured program. I sorta go in bits and pieces.
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Old 10-24-2009, 12:08 PM
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but you didn't go out last night, and for that I am grateful and happy!!

<3
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Old 10-24-2009, 12:12 PM
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Thinkin about you, Aysha..sorry about the pain, that's gotta suck. Hang in there! :ghug3
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Old 10-24-2009, 12:44 PM
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Hey Baby!!!! Good to see you.

I am sorry that you're so miserable though, grrrrrrr!!!!!!! Hope the weekend goes by quickly and you don't pull ALL of your hair out. Be good to yourself. :ghug3

And of course do this -------> as needed.
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