I knew it was coming
Well A few months and not one craving or urge. Yea..I knew that wasnt going to last long. Actually it lasted way longer than I expected.
I have recenty stopped taking tramadol prescribed to me for my back and knee pain and have been withdrawing some physically. I have felt like crap for the past few days. In alot of pain and sweating alot then chills and head zaps. Zero energy. I chose to stop taking them because I dont want to depend on them to take my pain away anymore. And the way it feels when I dont take them, which is usually my days off I feel sick and the pain is amplified 100 fold.
So yesterday I had a really strong craving in my gut then chest. Felt really anxious and sick to my stomach like it always feels when I feel a crack urge.
I quickly told myslef thats BS and its not happening. Today at work it hit me real strong. Gone as fast as it came. Leaving work it hit even harder, Hey I got paid today. And yes even slipped a little possibility in. Just a tiny tiny bit. Again, immediately said out loud even, "Thats not gonna happen. Its not even an option so get over it." Then I looked at my new shoes I had on, Thought of all the stuff I have been accumulating again and I am so caught up on every single bill for once in my life. Took the lil cousins to Chuckie Cheese for dinner and just got back and am hit with the dam feeling again.
They arent continuous. But really really strong and just come out of nowhere.
Its Friday, I have a good stack of money and I dont have to work until late tomorrow.
I am 99.999999% sure I wont go and 100% that I dont want to. But theres still that .000001% that is still not defiante and thats all it takes sometimes to grow like wildfire.
I am not going to a meeting. Thought about it. Theres on down the road in 12 mins. But I am not and will not go.
I am not trying to do this my way or on my own. So yea, Thats whay I am here.
I dont even know why I am here telling you all this. And I know some are saying to themselves that I am going to F up. Hey its my pattern. But I am pretty positive I wont and def positive I dont want to.
But even the tiniest feeling scares me.
I am just going to stay glued to SR and whatever else I can tonight.
Anyway. Thx