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Old 09-23-2009, 01:26 PM   #21 (permalink)
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this is exactly one of the reasons why you people cant understand or help me... you all think that substance abuse is "the problem" and if we all hold hands and and pray and somehow manage to stay sober than everything will be alright... well my substance abuse is a symptom of my problems, and I'm not really sure what what those are. And if i dont understand it, than no one else can either. until i figure out whats really wrong with me it wont make any difference if i'm sober or not.

im not sure if that was on-topic or not, but i had to get it out
For me, the alcohol is a symptom of the other problems in my life... And ALSO, it's a cause of many more problems in my life.

Would I have ever taken too many drinks if my first marriage hadn't sucked ass? Perhaps not... but would I know what jail is like without alcohol? Almost certainly not

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Old 09-23-2009, 03:14 PM   #22 (permalink)
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I love this string. I found so much in it. We women are often raised in the same way, be strong, gut it out, etc, etc.

I don't have much to add, but a little something. I'm early on in my recovery after years of trying to be strong and handle it myself. I'm getting married next March, and I can't have a glass of Champagne at my wedding. That bothered me and I wondered if maybe under supervision...

It's the event I'm celebrating, not the Champagne. Not great words of wisdom, but a thought.
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Old 09-23-2009, 07:54 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Hello SR and Sara,

I've found that people in all areas and in most settings will always find something wrong with what is. I played that tune for years too, someone could say, "Hey, did you see the new boat your neighbor just bought?" and I'd reply, "Yea sure, he's probably dealing drugs on the side." I could never relate to people just working hard, going home and living life as it is, and benefiting from a regular kind of life. Where's the excitement, the romance, sense of adventure? It has taken me years to finally see that the style of living I chose didn't have romance, excitement, or challenge, it contained heartbreak, misery and self-loathing underneath the false exterior front I presented to the world. I finally had to accept that I was not unique and surely was not "someone really special, I'm different, ya know, so my life is harder." We all put our pants on the same way. The hardest thing about getting better, and also the most rewarding, is that I have to rejoin the human race. I refuse to be like Tom Hanks on Castaway, because he eventually started having conversations with a soccer ball, of all things. What's up with that? Is that the end result of terminal uniqueness, if so, I'll pass. Take away all the booze and the drugs, and we're left with our own little selves, our own problems, fears, desires and frustrations of those desires, for we can't all run the world. Maybe it all starts by just cleaning up our side of the street and waving at our neighbors now and then. Maybe we need to learn that we share this world with a millions of others, some of which have undoubtedly experienced the same or quite similar experiences as we. Maybe we're not all that different after all. And that has nothing to do with holding hands, saying a prayer and talking about God, but then again, maybe it should, who am I to say I know better?
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:02 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Hello SR and Sara,

I've found that people in all areas and in most settings will always find something wrong with what is. I played that tune for years too, someone could say, "Hey, did you see the new boat your neighbor just bought?" and I'd reply, "Yea sure, he's probably dealing drugs on the side." I could never relate to people just working hard, going home and living life as it is, and benefiting from a regular kind of life. Where's the excitement, the romance, sense of adventure? It has taken me years to finally see that the style of living I chose didn't have romance, excitement, or challenge, it contained heartbreak, misery and self-loathing underneath the false exterior front I presented to the world. I finally had to accept that I was not unique and surely was not "someone really special, I'm different, ya know, so my life is harder." We all put our pants on the same way. The hardest thing about getting better, and also the most rewarding, is that I have to rejoin the human race. I refuse to be like Tom Hanks on Castaway, because he eventually started having conversations with a soccer ball, of all things. What's up with that? Is that the end result of terminal uniqueness, if so, I'll pass. Take away all the booze and the drugs, and we're left with our own little selves, our own problems, fears, desires and frustrations of those desires, for we can't all run the world. Maybe it all starts by just cleaning up our side of the street and waving at our neighbors now and then. Maybe we need to learn that we share this world with a millions of others, some of which have undoubtedly experienced the same or quite similar experiences as we. Maybe we're not all that different after all. And that has nothing to do with holding hands, saying a prayer and talking about God, but then again, maybe it should, who am I to say I know better?
No romance or real excitement that doesn't end with play russian roulette. I am also so brainwashed its hard to think of people living wholesome "leave it to beaver" lifestyles. One track mind in certain instances, I jumped on here to fight the urge to continue paryting hard tonight...
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:12 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Hey Wolf,

The urge still there?

Keep hanging out at SR, call someone who's not partying, take a walk to the local jail and look inside, these may help turn the urge around. The jail was always a good one for me, till I ended up there with a DUI. Now, I steer clear of that part of town, lol.

Hang in there.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:20 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Hey Wolf,

The urge still there?

Keep hanging out at SR, call someone who's not partying, take a walk to the local jail and look inside, these may help turn the urge around. The jail was always a good one for me, till I ended up there with a DUI. Now, I steer clear of that part of town, lol.

Hang in there.
As I sit here with a mound of yay saying no more. Yes the urge for something is still there and yes I'd def go to the liquor if my older family who took me in wasnt here. But if I went and did more white and got beer - the consequences will be bad. I hate letting people down.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:30 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Wolf, it's funny how we never think ahead till the mound's all gone, the bottles are empty, as well as our pockets. Then reality sets in, only it's worse now because we partied our brains out, spent all our money and feel like dogcrap. I don't have the answers, but I do know snorting and drinking more just prolongs the damage, and some damage, like a car that flipped off a cliff and was totaled, is beyond repair. Relationships are that way too, just ask my ex-wife. Some damage we do is too much of a strain on fragile relationships, then we're on the streets, looking for relief from the mess we made. Round and round it goes, it doesn't stop till we get off the sauce.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:34 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Wolf, it's funny how we never think ahead till the mound's all gone, the bottles are empty, as well as our pockets. Then reality sets in, only it's worse now because we partied our brains out, spent all our money and feel like dogcrap. I don't have the answers, but I do know snorting and drinking more just prolongs the damage, and some damage, like a car that flipped off a cliff and was totaled, is beyond repair. Relationships are that way too, just ask my ex-wife. Some damage we do is too much of a strain on fragile relationships, then we're on the streets, looking for relief from the mess we made. Round and round it goes, it doesn't stop till we get off the sauce.
And yeah I'm fighting the ultimate battle right now. The **** is two feet away from me. Once the parties over, theres no one left. Many people that I got wild with me had no it extended far beyond parties or social gatherings. And no good girl wants to date a total party animal. I meet a ton of girls go out with them and after drinkin and being with friends the animal comes out ie thrown down mounds, pills and chug booze.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:45 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Yep, been there, done that and have been to the er several times, three heart attacks, two surgeries, open heart, triple-bypass, had to have a nurse wipe my backside, they stuck a tube up my love machine, oh, just thinking about the good ole days.

Wolf, it gets worse, I know you've heard that, but I've lived it first hand and it s**ks. It's no fun eating breakfast through a straw and hacking up green stuff through a tube in your throat. These fun times were a direct result of my party animal days, and I hope they give you a brief pause, cause I sure never thought it would happen to this good ole boy who played football, worked construction for years and never gained weight till I collapsed into a coma, my liver, heart and kidneys shut down and they slapped the paddles on me twice just to get my ticker working again. I missed the helicopter ride, due to being unconscious, but have always loved to fly. The biggest mistake I made was to think it could never happen to me.
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Old 09-23-2009, 08:53 PM   #30 (permalink)
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Yep, been there, done that and have been to the er several times, three heart attacks, two surgeries, open heart, triple-bypass, had to have a nurse wipe my backside, they stuck a tube up my love machine, oh, just thinking about the good ole days.

Wolf, it gets worse, I know you've heard that, but I've lived it first hand and it s**ks. It's no fun eating breakfast through a straw and hacking up green stuff through a tube in your throat. These fun times were a direct result of my party animal days, and I hope they give you a brief pause, cause I sure never thought it would happen to this good ole boy who played football, worked construction for years and never gained weight till I collapsed into a coma, my liver, heart and kidneys shut down and they slapped the paddles on me twice just to get my ticker working again. I missed the helicopter ride, due to being unconscious, but have always loved to fly. The biggest mistake I made was to think it could never happen to me.
Never had a Doc tell me about my internal organs, but told me over 5 years my nasal membrane was extremely corroded/scar tissue etc.
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:00 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Hey Wolf,

I never suspected any internal damage, in fact the day of my triple-bypass, I had worked all day building an awning for a bar where I drank often. After work, I had a couple beers there, ate a steak and went home. Around ten pm, an elephant sat on my chest, at least that's how it felt. I couldn't get it off, I tossed, turned, this way, that way, but the damn elephant wouldn't stop sitting on me. I passed out, and woke up eight days later in intensive care. That's when they told me I had died twice, blah, blah blah, and the doc told me I could never drink again. Boy, did I show him, which ultimately led me here asking for help. It could happen again anytime for me, it's always a crapshoot and a risk of not waking up the next day. You don't have to go that far.
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:23 PM   #32 (permalink)
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It's not just the physical stuff that lays to waste, right, Wolf and FS? Just a little add to the conversation for our newcomers. How many times have we said "That's it, that's my last ____ (fill in the blankóline, pill, hit, toke, bottle, etc.)" at three o'clock in the morning? Then, after a few times, we feel the hopelessness in our heads and we begin to believe there is no cause to stop. Our brains become damaged to the point we lose the capability of clear thought. We become sneaks...hiding our addiction in nooks and crannies where we can secretly **** our life away. And it's ok, we don't mind because it's not really hurting us...until 3 a.m. comes again.

I can sit here all night and tell hundreds of stories of how drinking (my terminal vice) has screwed up so much in my life. How I know it is killing me. How it affects my relationship with my wife and kids. To say all this and it would take only a second to get in the truck and head down to the store and get a 12'er and polish off 8 or 9 of them in a couple of hours. That, my new friends, is insanity and that is the residue of addiction. If it wasn't for the ability to express these things, which brings them to the surface, into consciousness, I would be doing just that.

"I'll get by with a little help from my friends..."
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:36 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Hey Creekryder,

Glad to see ya out and about, so to speak.

At 3am, I would normally be passed out, but the demon came calling everyday after five, and I listened and followed the call. You're right, just plain, everday insanity, nothing special, no padded cells, no white uniforms, but just run-of-the-mill nutso.

Today is day 23 without a drink, man, that's good stuff. It may not be weeks, months, or years, but it's much better than the last few months for me. You guys are helping me do this, and I'm grateful. I hope I can help a little too, maybe in time. I'm glad to be on this path with you guys and to be here at SR, because it helps me connect to the better side of addiction, the recovery side, where we are today. I hope we all stick around and keep it going.
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:45 PM   #34 (permalink)
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It's not just the physical stuff that lays to waste, right, Wolf and FS? Just a little add to the conversation for our newcomers. How many times have we said "That's it, that's my last ____ (fill in the blankóline, pill, hit, toke, bottle, etc.)" at three o'clock in the morning? Then, after a few times, we feel the hopelessness in our heads and we begin to believe there is no cause to stop. Our brains become damaged to the point we lose the capability of clear thought. We become sneaks...hiding our addiction in nooks and crannies where we can secretly **** our life away. And it's ok, we don't mind because it's not really hurting us...until 3 a.m. comes again.

I can sit here all night and tell hundreds of stories of how drinking (my terminal vice) has screwed up so much in my life. How I know it is killing me. How it affects my relationship with my wife and kids. To say all this and it would take only a second to get in the truck and head down to the store and get a 12'er and polish off 8 or 9 of them in a couple of hours. That, my new friends, is insanity and that is the residue of addiction. If it wasn't for the ability to express these things, which brings them to the surface, into consciousness, I would be doing just that.

"I'll get by with a little help from my friends..."
Till the last drop.
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Old 09-23-2009, 09:58 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Good for you, FS!! I'm completing my third day, not many, but by God, that's longer than I've done since February.
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Old 09-23-2009, 10:00 PM   #36 (permalink)
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By the way, my new avatar is a picture of me last Friday after the full moon (the 5 p.m. moon, that is.) Earlier post of mine explains, if you missed it.
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Old 09-23-2009, 10:34 PM   #37 (permalink)
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By the way, my new avatar is a picture of me last Friday after the full moon (the 5 p.m. moon, that is.) Earlier post of mine explains, if you missed it.
Sic pic, rock on. do what you love.
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Old 09-24-2009, 07:13 AM   #38 (permalink)
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well my substance abuse is a symptom of my problems, and I'm not really sure what what those are.
Sara perhaps you need to learn a bit more about AA, right in the book Alcoholics Anonymous it states that alcohol is but a symptom of our disease.

Trust me I am not free from my alcoholism due to standing in a circle holding hands, nor is it due to occasionally speaking of our Higher Power in meetings. I am free of my alcoholism, self centerdness, and ego thanks to the steps of AA.

Of the 12 steps only one even mentions alcohol!

Every single one of the following 11 steps are about finding a solution to ALL of my problems, not just drinking.

The reason I do not drink or even feel the urge to have even one drink today is because I have found a solution to all of my problems. Having a solution to my problems eleminates any need for a drink.

If all AA was, was standing around holding hands and talking about God, then AA would not exist, alcoholism could be resolved by going to church where they really do stand around holding each others hands and talking about God.
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Old 09-24-2009, 07:32 AM   #39 (permalink)
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At 3am, I would normally be passed out, but the demon came calling everyday after five, and I listened and followed the call. You're right, just plain, everday insanity, nothing special, no padded cells, no white uniforms, but just run-of-the-mill nutso.

Today is day 23 without a drink, man, that's good stuff. It may not be weeks, months, or years, but it's much better than the last few months for me. You guys are helping me do this, and I'm grateful. I hope I can help a little too, maybe in time. I'm glad to be on this path with you guys and to be here at SR, because it helps me connect to the better side of addiction, the recovery side, where we are today. I hope we all stick around and keep it going.
yep you hit it on the head for me, just run of the mill nutso, drives you insane and the days just blend into one coz its the same b-**** every day,night and morning. end of day 4 for me and i feel sooo much better than what i usually do..... thankyou to everyone use have made it easier,, the people here do really help you through it.........
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Old 09-24-2009, 08:34 AM   #40 (permalink)
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this is exactly one of the reasons why you people cant understand or help me... you all think that substance abuse is "the problem" and if we all hold hands and and pray and somehow manage to stay sober than everything will be alright... well my substance abuse is a symptom of my problems, and I'm not really sure what what those are. And if i dont understand it, than no one else can either. until i figure out whats really wrong with me it wont make any difference if i'm sober or not.

im not sure if that was on-topic or not, but i had to get it out
:rotfxko your so funny. again with the standing around praying!!!:rotfxko where did you go to meetings? was it on a sunday morning at a church??:rotfxko so the same brain that got you here, is gonna figure everything out on its own?? good luck with that. it can be done, i did it for 3 months and was just a Joy to be around....good luck witht that one... too funny
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