Ticking time bomb

Old 05-13-2009, 11:14 AM
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Ticking time bomb

I am having a real hard time lately.
Not with using or anything like that. With my anger and frustration. I am getting very aggravated very easily. I am venting my frustration in unhealthy ways. Such as cussing out loud alot. Yelling. Driving like an ass. Taking it out on everyone. Making stupid decisions over petty immature things that have nothing to do with me. But will only get me in trouble.
I am so aggravated that I am making it worse.

And today is really pushing me closer to the edge of snapping into a rage.
Started yesterday when my cousin called me crying hystericlly saying a guy she use to go to college with wife called her and threatened to go to her job and pull her out of her car and beat her ass. My cousin talked to the guy one time a month ago on facebook after like 11 yrs. It was nothing more. He shows p at her job and gives her a brand new digital camera and starts blowing up her phone and sending her messages online. She just ignored him. He was like stalker status out the gate.
I have no idea why his wife thinks they are messing around. But it got me real hyped up yesterday and ready to hunt the girl down and do something that will land me in jail. I dont take threats to anyone in my family well. I will go crazy on someone messing with my family. But that is so immature. But I dont care. It is what it is.

My grams had a hysterectomy yesterday and so my last 2 days were alot of running around and havent stopped since Sunday./
I go to work this morning and the lady tells me I am not suppose to be there. But I was yesterday and didnt show up. I was like BS.
So i go look at the schedule and I was suppose to be there yesterday and off today. I swear I saw I was off Mon and Tues. Plus I requested Tues off for my grams surgery. But I guess I read it wrong. Noone called my house to see why I didnt show. I lost a day which I really cant afford and now I dont know if I am goin to get in trouble for a no call no show. My boss is never there and she never answers the phone when she is.
I aam not happy with this job.
I am running into stuff, dropping everything, goin 20 different directions at once and not getting anywhere.
People in general are aggravating me. Seems liuke everyone in front of me is goiin as slow as they can. Just everything is pissing me off.
Oh and Monday I go to get the kitten out of my closet where she sleeps. And her eye is closed and oozing green puss. I freak out and have my grams look., And my grams said her eye is cut open like it was sliced open. I really freaked out. I am thinking Bobble may have scratched her eyeball and sliced it open. I have no moneyu for a vet. So i call the animal hospital and see how much it will cost.
I found one that does free office visits...The exam for free during certain hours. And it happened to be iin that time frame. So I took her and figured I would figure out the rest as I went. Well she didnt have a cut in her eye. Thank God. I felt my heart drop when my gram told me that.
She just got something in it and it infected and irritated her eye. So I got some antibiotic ointment for her. The bill was $75. My aunt payed it for me and I am goin to pay her Fri.
First I am glad she trusts me enough to do that for me. And second..I am glad my kitten is ok now and her eye wasnt messed up like I thought. i am glad I wasnt high or coming down from one to be able to take her to the vet.
But that $75 is really setting me back.
I had to postpone my surgery for nest week for another 2 weeks. Because I have strep.
I will be out of work for at least 2 weeks. I cantr afford that. I cant afford to miss one day.

I went to see the pdoc Mon too and he found out about ym relapse and trying to go to rehab. He told me now I have to wait a year before he will even consider papproving me for the procedure I have trying to get for the past year and a half. I was set to be approved the week I relapsed. but becaue I rel;apsed I missed the last appointment and then he found out why. All that work with him is gone. What took me over a year to establish was wiped out in a matter of hours. I dont know how much more I cna take.
I am trying so hard to stay calm and just go with it and take it as it comes as calm as I can. But today is like every and anythig is going wrong.
And its little stuff that just aggravates the hell out of me.
I dont want to rage. I will really do something stupid if I lose control and rage.
I know I will regret it. But once I get to that point. I cant control myself.
I just really needed to rant and vent.
I now it all sounds so stupid and childish. But its very real for me and if I dont at least get it of my chest venting or whatever. I will definately snap.

I m goin to take it easy the rest of the day and try to remain calm and stay away from everyone as much as I can.
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:22 AM
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Hi Trish,

You know when they say stopping the drugs/drinking is just the beginning, this is what they're talking about. We still have so much work to do on ourselves as we try to figure out how live life as it is. I had a lot of anger too, in my early recovery. After trying to figure out what I was really angry about, I realized that a lot of my anger was directed toward myself. I was angry that I had allowed myself to become an addict and that I had hurt people. Recognizing the anger toward myself, was the first step in the slow process of forgiving myself.

What are you really angry about Trish?

I am SO glad that your kitten is doing well!
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:25 AM
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Oh my! I'm sorry everthing seems to be going wrong at the same time. I know how frustrating that can be. Here's a for you. I know it doesn't really help, but there it is anyway.
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Old 05-13-2009, 11:30 AM
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hi trish, i know that feeling of being a ticking time bomb. i spent yesterday and my only communication with anyone was snapping at my dad, i was annoyed and ticked off by everything around me. you are right though, if we let it go too far we will do something stupid and get in trouble, thats the last thing we need. my only suggestion is what kinda works for me: mindfulness, gratefulness, i know that you are good at doing both.

im glad your kitten is ok.
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Old 05-13-2009, 12:09 PM
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I have absolutely no idea what I am angry about. Thats what is so frustrating too.
I am just walking around with a chip on my shoulder and I cant stop it.
I know I have alot to be thankful for. I am very lucky considering where I have been in my life.
I am not complaining and whining. I am venting so I dont hold it in and really blow up.
I know alot more people have it way worse than me.
I am grateful I even have a job. I know all this before anyone says it to me.
But I need to vent this frustration in a big way or I will snap.

I appreciate yall reading all that long mess.
And responding.
It just helps when people listen.
People who can be unbias and can relate.
Its better than flippin and punching someon in their mouth or something like that.
So thanks for listening.
My kitten is so cute. She is sitting on my desk chillin with me. She always does when I am on the computer. Either that or she will lay on my lap. And she sits or lays on my shoulder. Bobble isnt affectionate. So I really like that.
Her eye is better. That really scared me to death.
I need to take more pics of her and post them.
Thanks again yall.
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Old 05-13-2009, 12:37 PM
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Your facing some difficulties and not using over them. You are continuing to accept responsibility for yourself. Even in the midst of all that you are feeling, you are still moving forward. Thank you for not giving up on yourself and proving that this way of life really works for those who work it!! Hang on chiynita, your Higher Power is helping you to realize a spiritual principle that will help you in ways that you might not be able to see right now.
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Old 05-13-2009, 12:58 PM
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Hi Tish, Yep, you're really not having a good time right now. This anger stuff has to be controlled. It's hard to go through life being pissed at the whole world. I didn't see any mention of whether or not you go to AA. If you don't then that's a good place to start. Seeing a counselor is also a very good option, as is taking some courses in anger management. I suspect that financially this would be a problem, but there are a lot of city/state programs that are available for free. Check you local area and see if there's a Community Service Board or something like that. They exist for the sole reason to help people like yourself. And feel free to vent here. This is a great site full of people who can advise you because they've been where you are. I'm rooting for you and hope things turn out for the best. Keep us posted as to how you're doing.
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Old 05-13-2009, 02:37 PM
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Blog Entries: 26 usual I feel alot better. I am still testy and short when talking. But I dont feel like breaking stuff now.
I really just needed to sit down and stop and just not do anything for a little while.
So I did for a few minutes and then felt the need to do something. So I did alot of somethings.
Inside and out. The house is spotless, laundry, vaccumed, dishes, cat boxes, cooked dinner, cleaned up the shed, took the garbage and recycling out, cleaned up some stuff off the lawn, watered plants and flowers, checked fluids in my van. I did wuite a bit this afternoon.
Now I am tired and prolly will go to sleep for a couple hours.

I just needed to vent really bad.
And venting here as opposed to f2f with someone here. Is that I cant yell or be a smartass too much. Its more of a one sided rant. And thats perfect for me.

Thanks again everyone.
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Old 05-13-2009, 02:42 PM
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Next time you feel the need to "do something," can you please come by my house?
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Old 05-13-2009, 03:00 PM
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Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
The house is spotless, laundry, vaccumed, dishes, cat boxes, cooked dinner, cleaned up the shed, took the garbage and recycling out, cleaned up some stuff off the lawn, watered plants and flowers, checked fluids in my van. I did wuite a bit this afternoon.
Now I am tired and prolly will go to sleep for a couple hours.

Geez! What suki said.

Glad your venting here, chiy. And glad the kitty is okay.
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Old 05-13-2009, 03:01 PM
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feeling a bit ticky myself today LMAO so I got nothin
keep on truckin Chiy - it's all we can do

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Old 05-13-2009, 03:04 PM
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Glad you're feeling better, and that the kitty is okay. I'm having one of those irritable days, too...just want to smack SOMEONE, but can't, so guess I'll go throw a pillow against the wall or something.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 05-13-2009, 03:13 PM
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Trish - I had to smile by the time I got past your first post. I read each of your posts and I could just feel your anger and strain lessen and lessen with each post. Venting definitely works for you my dear and so VENT AWAY!
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Old 05-13-2009, 03:17 PM
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I'm grateful all three of us aren't in the same room right now Trish and Amy

love you both
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Old 05-13-2009, 03:50 PM
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((Dee)) - I was thinking the same thing
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Old 05-13-2009, 08:55 PM
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Hope things are better for you, Chiy.

I understand the rage thing, I really do. I'm much better sober, but some things will still set me off....sometimes I don't even know why.

Keep venting!
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Old 05-14-2009, 04:07 AM
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I dont know what it is. But anytime I am feeling like that. Or I am really on the edge of losing it and snappin.
I never use to say anything to anyone. I would just get to that breaking point and go crazy. Mostly with violence. Mostly with doin something I would regret. Using or whatever. It always hurt me in the end. I am glad it was just me..but still..It didnt have to go that far.
Now I have been coming here and venting even the smallest of things. Because small things build into bigger things.
And the more I hold stuff in. The more it will build pressure until I do explode in a rage.
Here the past year I have been venting here. And I can come here and say it like it is in my mind and yall dont care.
I always feel alot better not too long after.
Most of the time with me. All it takes it to let it our verbally. Alot of times..Noone need talk back. Just listen. Its pretty simple for me in a way.
I really cant do that with anyone here f2f.
Because alot of them dont get me. Or they are influenced with ideas from being so close to me. So they will take it way into left field.
I dont need a solution or someone to analyze me when I vent like that. I just need to speak my mind and let all my thoughts out. Thats it. Nothing more.
I can do that here. Without interuption. Without judgement or brushing it off cause thats just a day in the life of me.
Thanks for letting me unload here.
And to the ones who respond.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ranting babble and caring enough to tell me you are listening. You will never relize how much just doiung that helps me. It really does.
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Old 05-14-2009, 04:08 AM
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i love you trish. it hurts when it hurts. I know there's nothing I can do. in fact there should be nothing that i would want to change in you either...because I love and honor your path as it is. when you are sad or angry or frustated, I can relate. sometimes people can be uncomfortable when a friend is sad, angry. I've noticed that happening sometimes in myself when my girlfriend is not "happy". anyway hang in there...and know that you are an inspiration to me and many others.
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Old 05-14-2009, 04:09 AM
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by Pema Chodron

The most straightforward advice on how to discover your true nature is this: practice not causing harm to anyone neither yourself nor others and every day, do what you can to help.

If you take this instruction to heart and begin to use it, you will probably find very quickly that it is not so easy. Often, before you know it, someone has provoked you and either directly or indirectly, you've let them have it. Therefore, when the intention is sincere but the going gets rough, most of us could use some help. We could use further instruction on how to lighten up and turn around our well-established habits of striking out and blaming.

The four methods for holding your seat provide just such support for developing the patience to stay open to what's happening, instead of acting on automatic pilot. These four methods are:
1. Not setting up the target for the arrow
2. Connecting with the heart
3. Seeing obstacles as teachers
4. Regarding all that occurs as a dream
First, if you have not set up the target it cannot be hit by an arrow. This is to say that each time you retaliate with words and actions that hurt, you are strengthening the habit of anger. Then, without doubt, plenty of arrows will always be coming your way.

The pattern of striking out may already be very strong; however, each time you are provoked you are given a chance to do something different. The choice is yours: you can further strengthen your painful and crippling habit or you can shake it up a bit by holding your seat. Each time you sit still with the restlessness and heat of anger neither acting it out nor repressing it you are tamed and strengthened. Each time you act on the anger or suppress it, you are weakened; you become more and more like a walking target. Then, as the years go by, almost everything makes you mad.

So this is the first method: remember that you set the target up yourself, and only you can take it down. Understand that if you hold your seat when you want to retaliate even for 1.5 seconds longer than ever before you are starting to dissolve a pattern of aggression that, if you let it, will continue to hurt you and others forever.

Second is the instruction for connecting with the heart: in times of anger, you can contact the kindness and compassion that you already have. When someone who is insane starts to harm you, there is the possibility of understanding that they don't know what they are doing. There is the possibility of contacting your heart and feeling sadness that this poor being is out of control and is harming themselves by hurting others. There is the possibility that even though you feel fear, you do not feel hatred or anger you might even wish to help this person if you can.

Actually, a lunatic is far less crazy than a sane person who harms you, for so-called sane people have the potential to realize that they are sowing seeds of their own misery, their own confusion, their own dissatisfaction. Their present aggression is producing further and more intense patterns of aggression. The life of one who is always angry is painful and generally very lonely. The one who harms you is under the influence of patterns that could continue to produce suffering forever.

So this is the second method: remember that the one who harms you does not need to be provoked further and neither do you. You can connect with your heart and recognize that, in this very moment, millions are burning with the fire of aggression just as you two are. Sit still with the restlessness and pain of the anger, neither acting it out nor repressing it, and let the searing quality of the energy tame you and strengthen you and make you kinder.

Third is the instruction on seeing difficulties as teachers. If there is no teacher around to give you direct personal guidance on how to stop causing harm, never fear! Life itself will provide the opportunities for learning how to hold your seat. The troublemaker, for instance, who so disturbs you without this person how could you ever get the chance to practice patience? How could you ever get the chance to know the energy of anger so intimately that it loses its power?

There is a saying that the teacher is always with us. The teacher is always showing us precisely where we are at and encouraging us to relax and open our hearts and minds, encouraging us to not speak and act in the same old stuck ways, encouraging us also not to repress or dissociate. So with this one who is scaring you or insulting you, do you retaliate as you have one hundred thousand times before, or do you start to get smart and do something different?

Right at the point when you are about to blow your top, remember this: you are a disciple being taught how to sit still with the edginess and discomfort of the energy. You are a disciple being challenged to hold your seat and open to the situation with as much courage and as much kindness as you possibly can.

Of course, like countless students before you, you may often feel, I'm not ready for this. So sometimes you will run away, and sometimes you will kick and scream, and sometimes you will hold your seat. Somehow, gradually, all of this becomes part of your ability not to cause harm and part of your ability to understand the pain and confusion of others and to help them.

The problem with these or any instructions is that we have a tendency to get serious and rigid about them. We get tense and uptight about trying to relax and be patient. This is where the fourth instruction comes in: it is helpful to contemplate that the one who is angry, the anger itself, and the recipient of that anger are all happening as if in a dream.

You can regard your life as a movie in which you are temporarily the leading player. You can reflect on the essencelessness of your current situation rather than putting such big importance on everything. This big-deal struggle, this big-deal problematic (or self-righteous) me, and this big-deal person who opposes you, could all be lightened up considerably.

When you awaken from sleep you know that the enemies in your dreams are an illusion. That realization does a lot to cut through the drama. In the same way, instead of acting out of impulse, you could slow down and ask yourself, Who is this monolithic me that has been so offended? And who is this other person that they can trigger me like this? What is this praise and blame that it can hook me like a fish, that it can burn me like a flame burns a moth? What is going on here that outer things have the power to propel me from hope to fear, from happy to miserable, like a ping-pong ball?

Contemplate that these outer things, as well as these emotions, as well as this huge sense of me, are passing and essenceless, like a memory, like a movie, like a dream.

When you find yourself captured by aggression, remember this: there is no basis for striking out or for repressing. There is no basis for hatred or for shame. Whether awake or asleep, we are simply moving from one dreamlike state to another.

Recalling this instruction, you just might find it helps you to loosen your grip and open your mind.

These four methods for turning around anger and for learning a little patience come to us from the Kadampa masters of eleventh-century Tibet. These instructions have provided encouragement for practitioners in the past and they are just as useful in the present. These same Kadampa masters advised that we not procrastinate. They urged us to use these instructions immediately on this very day and not say to ourselves, "I will do it in the future when the days are longer."
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Old 05-14-2009, 04:36 AM
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Trish, I really feel ya. I wish I could share what is going on in my life with you all but I have an X husband who lurks here so I have to keep that to myself at least here on the boards.

I can relate to all that you are going through, different stuff, but none the less, I just wish I could let it go but can't. I have to keep working on it every day and just keep the faith, keep cheerleading myself, reach out to those around me and let them know where my head is at and look to the future.

I know that others before us really had some struggles in the beginning as well and here we are!!

When I look back though, it's still better today. I am grateful for so much and while I'm totally stressed to the max I have to have hope that this time next year things will be much better.

Hang in there Girl!!! I know it's a hard mountain to climb but I know we'll get there. :ghug3
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