Aysha

I am having a real hard time lately.
Not with using or anything like that. With my anger and frustration. I am getting very aggravated very easily. I am venting my frustration in unhealthy ways. Such as cussing out loud alot. Yelling. Driving like an ass. Taking it out on everyone. Making stupid decisions over petty immature things that have nothing to do with me. But will only get me in trouble.
I am so aggravated that I am making it worse.

And today is really pushing me closer to the edge of snapping into a rage.
Started yesterday when my cousin called me crying hystericlly saying a guy she use to go to college with wife called her and threatened to go to her job and pull her out of her car and beat her ass. My cousin talked to the guy one time a month ago on facebook after like 11 yrs. It was nothing more. He shows p at her job and gives her a brand new digital camera and starts blowing up her phone and sending her messages online. She just ignored him. He was like stalker status out the gate.
I have no idea why his wife thinks they are messing around. But it got me real hyped up yesterday and ready to hunt the girl down and do something that will land me in jail. I dont take threats to anyone in my family well. I will go crazy on someone messing with my family. But that is so immature. But I dont care. It is what it is.

My grams had a hysterectomy yesterday and so my last 2 days were alot of running around and havent stopped since Sunday./
I go to work this morning and the lady tells me I am not suppose to be there. But I was yesterday and didnt show up. I was like BS.
So i go look at the schedule and I was suppose to be there yesterday and off today. I swear I saw I was off Mon and Tues. Plus I requested Tues off for my grams surgery. But I guess I read it wrong. Noone called my house to see why I didnt show. I lost a day which I really cant afford and now I dont know if I am goin to get in trouble for a no call no show. My boss is never there and she never answers the phone when she is.
I aam not happy with this job.
I am running into stuff, dropping everything, goin 20 different directions at once and not getting anywhere.
People in general are aggravating me. Seems liuke everyone in front of me is goiin as slow as they can. Just everything is pissing me off.
Oh and Monday I go to get the kitten out of my closet where she sleeps. And her eye is closed and oozing green puss. I freak out and have my grams look., And my grams said her eye is cut open like it was sliced open. I really freaked out. I am thinking Bobble may have scratched her eyeball and sliced it open. I have no moneyu for a vet. So i call the animal hospital and see how much it will cost.
I found one that does free office visits...The exam for free during certain hours. And it happened to be iin that time frame. So I took her and figured I would figure out the rest as I went. Well she didnt have a cut in her eye. Thank God. I felt my heart drop when my gram told me that.
She just got something in it and it infected and irritated her eye. So I got some antibiotic ointment for her. The bill was $75. My aunt payed it for me and I am goin to pay her Fri.
First I am glad she trusts me enough to do that for me. And second..I am glad my kitten is ok now and her eye wasnt messed up like I thought. i am glad I wasnt high or coming down from one to be able to take her to the vet.
But that $75 is really setting me back.
I had to postpone my surgery for nest week for another 2 weeks. Because I have strep.
I will be out of work for at least 2 weeks. I cantr afford that. I cant afford to miss one day.

I went to see the pdoc Mon too and he found out about ym relapse and trying to go to rehab. He told me now I have to wait a year before he will even consider papproving me for the procedure I have trying to get for the past year and a half. I was set to be approved the week I relapsed. but becaue I rel;apsed I missed the last appointment and then he found out why. All that work with him is gone. What took me over a year to establish was wiped out in a matter of hours. I dont know how much more I cna take.
I am trying so hard to stay calm and just go with it and take it as it comes as calm as I can. But today is like every and anythig is going wrong.
And its little stuff that just aggravates the hell out of me.
I dont want to rage. I will really do something stupid if I lose control and rage.
I know I will regret it. But once I get to that point. I cant control myself.
I just really needed to rant and vent.
I now it all sounds so stupid and childish. But its very real for me and if I dont at least get it of my chest venting or whatever. I will definately snap.

I m goin to take it easy the rest of the day and try to remain calm and stay away from everyone as much as I can.