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Old 06-20-2008, 09:56 AM   #1 (permalink)
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All in the head...

Having a blue day.

Got to thinking about the past 33 days sober. I've been pretty "happy" for me over that period of time. I've spent my days and parts of some nights reading and posting here to keep going. It's been an immense help, believe me.

Don't know if it's hormones, or what, but the depression I so often try to put off has tracked me down again and I'm not in a good place. I've been worse, so that's good -- but I was SO hoping that the sobriety would bolster my mood up a little while longer.

Thoughts keep creeping into my head. Do I really believe this will last? Or am I just pretending -- starting yet another "project" or following another "dream" just ready to bail or to fail? Again -- I've been reading and posting. I want to share, but I feel like a hypocrit at times because -- again -- none of this feels real. I don't know -- maybe because I haven't been sober for more this long in 26 freaking years...

I'm pinching myself. I really don't want this to end.
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
― Thornton Wilder
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Old 06-20-2008, 10:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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In my opinion. Of course it wont feel real. Sobriety is new.
Just stay the course and will become all too familiar.
Your doing great so far.
We all have ups and downs. Even in sobriety. Hell we even had em in using but never relized because we were too messed up to notice.
Your doing good so far.
Keep it up. And eventually it will seem all too real the wonders sobriety has to offer.
Dont just count your days...Make your days count!

It may not get easier, But it will get better.
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Old 06-20-2008, 10:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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New leaf- this is real- no need to pinch yourself.
You and I both know that the depression will intensify if you drink- that is not the answer.
Sobriety never has to end for you- you can do this- stay strong.
And suddenly you know... it is time to try something new and trust in new beginnings.
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Old 06-20-2008, 10:10 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I know how you feel Newleaf and I'm sorry your feeling depressed. Without our moodchangers it's so hard to deal with feeling blue.

Try to just let it ride instead of over thinking it. You'l feel better soon.
Find Your Strength (and keep a lookout for mine will ya? k thx)
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Old 06-20-2008, 10:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Smile awesome


33 days is just gotta feel unreal since your looking back at 26 years so what can i say?! I can just imagine...

We all know depression and run as we may we always get caught up in it again and again. Depression is all about feelings for me and i like to ignore what my head is yelling at me when i feel down, I think it's just great when i feel better so i garden my feelings and let my head float. i won't care what the heck i was thinking when i feel better so why waste my time thinking.

So i talk directly to my feelings like i am talking to an old good friend who is a bit on the dumb side just now cuzz he is feeling like a little kid. When i do that i easily see that i am actually (almost always) angry and scared and that is what is pushing my head around. Letting go of what hurts takes care of the anger as well mostly.

So yeah, i mean i don't talk out loud so often (lol) but i do give my self a break and directly engage my feelings one at a time best i can and let my head wrap around my core and not my outside.

What i get for that is i feel a whole lot better and it cost me nothing. Of course i still have my problems (haha) but feeling bad is way down on the list and that makes the whole thing doable.

Just a another way to go about it...

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Old 06-20-2008, 10:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
let it grow!
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hang in there, newleaf. one day at a time.

hugs to ya, and thanks for not banning me - k
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Old 06-20-2008, 10:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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New Leaf,

I had a lot of the feelings you had, also kinda felt I was just a little this side of crazy for a while around the 60 day mark, it goes with the territory. If you think your Depression is becoming a problem see a Doctor and get professional advice. I still have my bad days but continue to plug along in the belief that where I'm going can only be better than where I've been. You may also want to google "Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome" and see if you see yourself there at all.

Good luck and keep sober,

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Old 06-20-2008, 10:43 AM   #8 (permalink)
¢σммυηιту gяєєтєя
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Change is happening every moment of every day and we all have difficulty with
change it is something new that we are not use too, however think of it this way
if you keep trying, at least you get a 50% chance of succeeding. But if you don't
try at all, you have absolutely no chance.

It is all in the "Thinking" as anvil said!

Stop pinching yourself you will get a bruise! It is REAL! And Leaf I'm
proud of you keep up the awesome work!
Dance as though no one is watching you
Love as though you have never been hurt before
Live as though heaven is on earth.

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Old 06-20-2008, 10:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
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New Leaf, you're doing great.

The thing is, recovery is a process. I think you will days that are not so good. Sometimes it just happens. What I have found is that I still have down days. But, I am deeply confident that they won't last. I know things will be brighter for me.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 06-20-2008, 12:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I thought I'd posted a reply earlier... For some reason it must not have gone through. Same with a PM I tried to send...

Darn!!! Both were LONG too.

Anyway -- Thanks to all of you for your responses. Although I haven't yet had the good long cry I probably need -- I teared up when I read them.

I'd try to recreate what I'd written before but now I don't have the time.

I'm pretty spent, too. I will say one thing, though -- I'm still not going to drink and that's more than I could handle before.
“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
― Thornton Wilder
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Old 06-20-2008, 01:00 PM   #11 (permalink)
"Meow. No, I am not a pup!
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Originally Posted by RobbyRobot View Post

i won't care what the heck i was thinking when i feel better so why waste my time thinking.

Robby, I think you have just given me a new motto for life
“I think I can, I think I can!”
The Little Engine that Could
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Old 06-20-2008, 01:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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for me "depression" is waking up everyday for a year and wanting to die as soon as I know that i am awake. depression is thinking about killing myself many times during the course of the day. depression is being afraid to eat in front of other people because they will make fun of how I eat after I leave. I CAN"T cry when I am depressed (and that depresses me more).

feeling a little down is a wonderful alternative to depression for me. feeling lonely sure beats having the vision of walking down the road in the winter until I die on the side of thhe road. feeling bored sure beats sitting like a vegatable on the couch, and being totally unable to experience my children, because I am so completely consumed with how bad I feel that I have no concept of their present moment experience.

so I say if your feeling blue. that's ok... that's good.

for me If at the end of the day, if I have had the whole gammit of emotion (some comfortable feelings and some uncomfortable feelings), then I feel good about that about 8pm. today I've had a little of both, and perhaps more of the uncomfortable, but I haven't once thought about killlilng myself or wanting to die or what others thought about me at work. and as I sit here right now, after you've helped bring this consciousness to my thoughts....I am grateful
Stay in Today
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Old 06-20-2008, 01:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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it didn't seem real for me either NL - I have to admit that some of those early days, it was only sitting here at the PC and helping others that got me through.

I was thinking just the other day just how desperate that little voice in my head got sometimes - it took every little bump in the road, and got great mileage out of it....knew it was going down I guess...and, ultimately, it did

Just - keep focused. You're doing great.

Do today what you did yesterday.....
Keep the task at bite size pieces

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Old 06-20-2008, 03:14 PM   #14 (permalink)

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I totally get what you're saying here. *hugs* As others have said-of course it doesn't feel real yet-it's all new territory-new ways of thinking, new ways of acting.It can be both wonderful and scary at the same time.I know it is for me.

You are not fooling yourself though, I think those thoughts are our alkie mind wanting to drag us back to where we used to be-in its clutches.God-only two days ago I felt just like you-I was just despairing of ever getting better.I'm not even confident yet that I'll ever conquer this addiction, but dammit I'm not going to stop trying either.

One thing I have learned-in the 10 weeks sober time I had, was that I'm going to have blue days regardless.It's just part of life.Drinking doesn't change that-as much as I used to tell myself it would.I'm so proud of you for not drinking, and I understand all the doubts too.I just want you to know you're not alone.I'm right there with you and I think you are doing amazingly well.

Much love, Julesxox
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