Class of August 2021 Support Thread Part 6
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
SS, without understanding the full scope of your experiences with AA what I’m hearing is that you have put a tremendous amount of time and effort into the program and it’s not returning the investment right now for you. It’s draining you and leaving you wrought with a negative headspace. I think it’s interesting the chapter you’re in puts so much pressure and expectation on you to follow the program and the Big Book so rigorously. We’re all very different people who need various levels of support and engagement throughout sobriety if it’s what you need to take a break they should respect that and not guilt you.
I went to a handful of AA meetings when I first got sober this time last year. It helped tremendously in those dark first days. Personally though I did not like the aspect of shame I felt the program instilled on individuals, especially since I had been sexually abuse I already carried a lot of shame, and there was a sort of commitment factor that scared me off. I remember hearing in a speaker meeting a person talking about how he made the mistake of taking the AA program too seriously, memorized the book, and scolded other people who were not as committed as him to the program. He realized it was toxic and judgmental to expect that from others people and he wasn’t really getting to the core reasons of why he drank. After daily meetings for 2 weeks, I came across recovery dharma and that was a group that was a lot more my speed. There’s a lot less pressure, shame, and emphasis on following the program. It’s all about meditation, which can be incredibly helpful in treating PTSD, and what YOU need to abstain from the harmful substance or behavior.
Maybe you’re sponsor is worried your reasons for taking a break from the program are really just an excuse to start drinking again even though you’ve probably told him your true reasons maybe he thinks it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I would try not to worry about the sponsor or the group of people. You know yourself best and you are committed to not drinking so do what you need to keep that going and tell the rest of them thanks for their time and support, but the time commitment of the program is too much for you right now. Whatever their expectations for you are they don’t matter because you have your own expectations for yourself to uphold. It’s not fair of them to push their ideal world onto you. All you need to do is do you!! There’s so many other parts of your recovery like the exercising your cutting short for it. it’s putting too many eggs in one basket. Much love to you!
I went to a handful of AA meetings when I first got sober this time last year. It helped tremendously in those dark first days. Personally though I did not like the aspect of shame I felt the program instilled on individuals, especially since I had been sexually abuse I already carried a lot of shame, and there was a sort of commitment factor that scared me off. I remember hearing in a speaker meeting a person talking about how he made the mistake of taking the AA program too seriously, memorized the book, and scolded other people who were not as committed as him to the program. He realized it was toxic and judgmental to expect that from others people and he wasn’t really getting to the core reasons of why he drank. After daily meetings for 2 weeks, I came across recovery dharma and that was a group that was a lot more my speed. There’s a lot less pressure, shame, and emphasis on following the program. It’s all about meditation, which can be incredibly helpful in treating PTSD, and what YOU need to abstain from the harmful substance or behavior.
Maybe you’re sponsor is worried your reasons for taking a break from the program are really just an excuse to start drinking again even though you’ve probably told him your true reasons maybe he thinks it’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I would try not to worry about the sponsor or the group of people. You know yourself best and you are committed to not drinking so do what you need to keep that going and tell the rest of them thanks for their time and support, but the time commitment of the program is too much for you right now. Whatever their expectations for you are they don’t matter because you have your own expectations for yourself to uphold. It’s not fair of them to push their ideal world onto you. All you need to do is do you!! There’s so many other parts of your recovery like the exercising your cutting short for it. it’s putting too many eggs in one basket. Much love to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
Much love to you too Free ❤️ I’m thinking of you!!
This weekend was a friends bachelorette party in Miami. I declined the invite way back in the spring which I had a lot of mixed feeling about mainly I felt guilty since this friend had planned my own bachelorette party, but I’m so glad at the time I knew I could not attend it would be detrimental to my recovery so I declined and boy I’m glad I did because it’s been an all out drinking fest like I knew it would be. I’m really proud of myself for putting my comfort and feelings in front of others as someone who is a recovering people pleaser as well as recovering from alcohol it feels so good to align with myself!
Also, on another note I reported the family member who abused me to the police. I feel such a sense of relief because for a long time I felt like if I let go of it it would open me up and other children up to being abused by him especially since my family ignored and brushed the abuse under the rug. Now the police knows about him so I don’t have to carry that burden and I think it sent my family a wake up call that things need to change he and his family are not to be in my life and this abuse cannot be ignored anymore. I finally feel like it’s being properly addressed, he’s being held accountable, and my family has a better understanding of the negative impacts this has had on my well being.
In other exciting news, my husband and I were about to start the IVF fertility treatment this past week, but I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!! It’s incredibly early, but my bloodwork is trending in the right direction.
The last few days I’ve been practicing only expecting the outcomes I desire which are having a healthy baby, healing from the abuse, and forgiving the abuser.
This weekend was a friends bachelorette party in Miami. I declined the invite way back in the spring which I had a lot of mixed feeling about mainly I felt guilty since this friend had planned my own bachelorette party, but I’m so glad at the time I knew I could not attend it would be detrimental to my recovery so I declined and boy I’m glad I did because it’s been an all out drinking fest like I knew it would be. I’m really proud of myself for putting my comfort and feelings in front of others as someone who is a recovering people pleaser as well as recovering from alcohol it feels so good to align with myself!
Also, on another note I reported the family member who abused me to the police. I feel such a sense of relief because for a long time I felt like if I let go of it it would open me up and other children up to being abused by him especially since my family ignored and brushed the abuse under the rug. Now the police knows about him so I don’t have to carry that burden and I think it sent my family a wake up call that things need to change he and his family are not to be in my life and this abuse cannot be ignored anymore. I finally feel like it’s being properly addressed, he’s being held accountable, and my family has a better understanding of the negative impacts this has had on my well being.
In other exciting news, my husband and I were about to start the IVF fertility treatment this past week, but I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!! It’s incredibly early, but my bloodwork is trending in the right direction.
The last few days I’ve been practicing only expecting the outcomes I desire which are having a healthy baby, healing from the abuse, and forgiving the abuser.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
I think so, Venus, you are always so giving of your time and thoughts.
SS, for my daughter, AA is keeping her alive. I cringe if her belief in it falters, because she will crumble, which, to me, is the whole cult thing about AA, they brainwash you to believe, and what you believe (the power of perception) is greater than reality.
You can read through my daily post thread started on 9/1/21, and you can read my detailed thoughts and experience in the AA family, and how I use the tools on my own now.
In a nutshell though, I don’t believe me addicted to nicotine was any more a disease than my addiction to alcohol. I didn’t use or need a sponsee or 12 steps to stop smoking successfully 34 years ago.
What I needed was the GIANT desire to be a no smoker. The belief that I HATED smoking, and I did t want to die that way, from the issues that come from smoking. I BELIEVED that there were many people who never smoked, and people that had quit that were actually HAPPY, and DIDNT THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
I wanted that freedom. I wanted that bliss. And I have it.
It will be the same with alcohol for me. Quitting smoking was hard. The first year, BRUTAL.
I knew, if I took ONE DRAG, I would start the whole addiction thing all over again. I didn’t want that. REALLY DIDNT WANT TO GO THERE.
I wish you peace very soon. Let it go……🤓❤️
SS, for my daughter, AA is keeping her alive. I cringe if her belief in it falters, because she will crumble, which, to me, is the whole cult thing about AA, they brainwash you to believe, and what you believe (the power of perception) is greater than reality.
You can read through my daily post thread started on 9/1/21, and you can read my detailed thoughts and experience in the AA family, and how I use the tools on my own now.
In a nutshell though, I don’t believe me addicted to nicotine was any more a disease than my addiction to alcohol. I didn’t use or need a sponsee or 12 steps to stop smoking successfully 34 years ago.
What I needed was the GIANT desire to be a no smoker. The belief that I HATED smoking, and I did t want to die that way, from the issues that come from smoking. I BELIEVED that there were many people who never smoked, and people that had quit that were actually HAPPY, and DIDNT THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.
I wanted that freedom. I wanted that bliss. And I have it.
It will be the same with alcohol for me. Quitting smoking was hard. The first year, BRUTAL.
I knew, if I took ONE DRAG, I would start the whole addiction thing all over again. I didn’t want that. REALLY DIDNT WANT TO GO THERE.
I wish you peace very soon. Let it go……🤓❤️
Member
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Litchfield, SC
Posts: 585
Wow, thanks everybody. Giant help. Means a lot to me.
And now I need to move on. Ruminating over things is poison to me, as it is to many of us. So is trying to hold on to things not meant for us.
Free, hope you can laugh with me over this, but quitting smoking was easy for me (I quit almost 25 years ago). And I smoked unfiltered. Then for a dozen years or so I smoked the occasional one. My last one was in 2011. I still puff away on cigars when I play golf.
I'm not comparing myself to anyone else, but looking back smoking was an emotional crutch when I was as young as 14 or 15. Something upsetting would happen, and I'd sneak off somewhere to smoke. Then the hiding from the parents, etc. It definitely set a pattern.
I think a lot of what we learn, whatever our program and wherever we are in our journey, are emotional intelligence tools. Healthy, well-adjusted people seem to learn them as they go, natural process. But a lot of people don't. As problem drinkers we deal with stigma, but the reality is there are a lot of people who can't so neatly ID a problem, e.g. alcohol. Look at what a massive problem anger management and control issues are for so many people, regardless of their alcohol intake. And without generalizing or getting overly philosophical...it seems a lot of people are unhappy because they're just never at peace.
That's why I try to do now--live in peace, do the right thing, and try to have faith (not easy) that's the best we can do and things will turn out the way they're supposed to. best, SS
And now I need to move on. Ruminating over things is poison to me, as it is to many of us. So is trying to hold on to things not meant for us.
Free, hope you can laugh with me over this, but quitting smoking was easy for me (I quit almost 25 years ago). And I smoked unfiltered. Then for a dozen years or so I smoked the occasional one. My last one was in 2011. I still puff away on cigars when I play golf.
I'm not comparing myself to anyone else, but looking back smoking was an emotional crutch when I was as young as 14 or 15. Something upsetting would happen, and I'd sneak off somewhere to smoke. Then the hiding from the parents, etc. It definitely set a pattern.
I think a lot of what we learn, whatever our program and wherever we are in our journey, are emotional intelligence tools. Healthy, well-adjusted people seem to learn them as they go, natural process. But a lot of people don't. As problem drinkers we deal with stigma, but the reality is there are a lot of people who can't so neatly ID a problem, e.g. alcohol. Look at what a massive problem anger management and control issues are for so many people, regardless of their alcohol intake. And without generalizing or getting overly philosophical...it seems a lot of people are unhappy because they're just never at peace.
That's why I try to do now--live in peace, do the right thing, and try to have faith (not easy) that's the best we can do and things will turn out the way they're supposed to. best, SS
Member
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Litchfield, SC
Posts: 585
Monday morning, dreary, cold and drizzly. Early appointment and short night's sleep. Many things coalesced as I woke up, main being thank God for being sober after a day yesterday that was as stressful as any in my recent quit (almost 6 months now). I had gone to bed still troubled. But today I think of the "parallel universe" (a tool I use often) and how excruciating it would be had I drank last night. Instead I am handling things living life on life's terms.
Just as I was turning in last night came across a post on another site that had this: "Don't take back what God has rescued you from."
Amen.
Just as I was turning in last night came across a post on another site that had this: "Don't take back what God has rescued you from."
Amen.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
My goodness, I missed a lot. I also missed checking in on the daily thread, which I never do, so I have to do some thinking about that. I take nothing for granted these days. I'm here, I'm fine, I'm strongly sober.
Free- I am sorry to have missed the news of your diagnosis. I hope your treatment plan goes easy for you and is 100% successful. As Bodhi said- You are not alone, feel free to lean on us.
Bodhi- I am quietly jumping up and down for you and sending the most positive thoughts. And good on you speaking to the authorities about your past.... It's someone else's responsibility now, all you need to do is take care of YOU.
(((((((SouthernSober)))))) I can feel the pain in your posts and I know you are moving on from this topic now and I will not rehash it but I will stand next to you in solidarity. Sober is better, how we get there may not be a straight line and what works for one doesn't have to be the way for another. You seem like the type of person who throws 100% into everything you do, and you go at it like a bull- it's going to get done and that's that- so when AA threw you for a loop it left all this forward energy just hanging and you wanted to redirect it. Good for you redirecting it in a positive way, towards SR, towards us and in reflection- another fine quality you seem to have. I always enjoy the thought and research you put into your posts, it is evident you care a great deal about what you say to others and rest assured, it has helped numerous people. So, you are doing things you say you want to accomplish- working on finding some peace, doing the next right thing, helping others. AA may not be out of your life completely, no one knows how the future can evolve, but you are strong enough to stand against alcohol on your own, and for any moments when you waver, you have us. Just like we all have each other. It's good to have you back, that's my selfish take on all of this!
Have a good day all, I must go see what else I've missed out there in the SR world.
Free- I am sorry to have missed the news of your diagnosis. I hope your treatment plan goes easy for you and is 100% successful. As Bodhi said- You are not alone, feel free to lean on us.
Bodhi- I am quietly jumping up and down for you and sending the most positive thoughts. And good on you speaking to the authorities about your past.... It's someone else's responsibility now, all you need to do is take care of YOU.
(((((((SouthernSober)))))) I can feel the pain in your posts and I know you are moving on from this topic now and I will not rehash it but I will stand next to you in solidarity. Sober is better, how we get there may not be a straight line and what works for one doesn't have to be the way for another. You seem like the type of person who throws 100% into everything you do, and you go at it like a bull- it's going to get done and that's that- so when AA threw you for a loop it left all this forward energy just hanging and you wanted to redirect it. Good for you redirecting it in a positive way, towards SR, towards us and in reflection- another fine quality you seem to have. I always enjoy the thought and research you put into your posts, it is evident you care a great deal about what you say to others and rest assured, it has helped numerous people. So, you are doing things you say you want to accomplish- working on finding some peace, doing the next right thing, helping others. AA may not be out of your life completely, no one knows how the future can evolve, but you are strong enough to stand against alcohol on your own, and for any moments when you waver, you have us. Just like we all have each other. It's good to have you back, that's my selfish take on all of this!
Have a good day all, I must go see what else I've missed out there in the SR world.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Litchfield, SC
Posts: 585
Made my day, Viking. I mean it. I will come back and read this whenever I'm feeling a little rocky.
Just got back from the gym and absolutely killed it. I am still very cautious about my back but it is like a whole new world not being in constant pain. The procedures are rough--they burn off the nerves with electrodes passed through needles--but no surgery and no drugs.
While I was in there the gym track was playing Irene Cara's "What A Feeling." "Take your passion/And make it happen" And I was standing there soaking wet in sweat with a 55-lb dumbbell over my head, lovin' it. 😎
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Oxwnf1lPE
Just got back from the gym and absolutely killed it. I am still very cautious about my back but it is like a whole new world not being in constant pain. The procedures are rough--they burn off the nerves with electrodes passed through needles--but no surgery and no drugs.
While I was in there the gym track was playing Irene Cara's "What A Feeling." "Take your passion/And make it happen" And I was standing there soaking wet in sweat with a 55-lb dumbbell over my head, lovin' it. 😎
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6Oxwnf1lPE
Irene Cara - "What A Feeling" (1983) - MDA Telethon
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 517
Hi all, hope everyone is having a good day/night. I finished a workout, made some pork chops with apples, onions (great combination), and roasted potatoes. Now, I’m watching Sweet Magnolias on Netflix. Sometimes this show is overly sweet but I just love the wholesomeness.
My blood work is looking really good and next week I’m scheduled for an ultrasound. Fingers crossed we see/hear a heartbeat 🤞
In other news, I’m finding myself caught up in obsessive loops about negative things friends have done or said to me. Ugh I really just want to let them go. They’re not good close friends to me they’re acquaintances and I don’t need to keep reminding and punishing myself for the fact that they’re not as close or respectful friends as I thought they were. I truly think I formed this maladaptive thinking pattern when I was young and being abused so I didn’t have to think about the abuse. I would think about easier hurts that people who were supposed to be my friends were doing. It was a protective distraction behavior/tool. Now I’m not avoiding the abuse but I still have these negative thought patterns. It’ll take time but I’ve got to figure out a way to retrain my brain when it comes to this. It’s truly such a waste of my time and it’s not hurting them at all (not that I want to hurt them) it’s just hurting me.
My blood work is looking really good and next week I’m scheduled for an ultrasound. Fingers crossed we see/hear a heartbeat 🤞
In other news, I’m finding myself caught up in obsessive loops about negative things friends have done or said to me. Ugh I really just want to let them go. They’re not good close friends to me they’re acquaintances and I don’t need to keep reminding and punishing myself for the fact that they’re not as close or respectful friends as I thought they were. I truly think I formed this maladaptive thinking pattern when I was young and being abused so I didn’t have to think about the abuse. I would think about easier hurts that people who were supposed to be my friends were doing. It was a protective distraction behavior/tool. Now I’m not avoiding the abuse but I still have these negative thought patterns. It’ll take time but I’ve got to figure out a way to retrain my brain when it comes to this. It’s truly such a waste of my time and it’s not hurting them at all (not that I want to hurt them) it’s just hurting me.
❤️
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 1,831
Hi all...I'm still here.
Just incredibly busy now that we are in our new rental until April 1st with the revolving door of houseguests.
Had a very *minor* setback regarding my drinking, but back on track right away. More on that later. Please don't judge. I'm hard enough on myself as it is and know exactly where and why I failed. The failure..albeit a moment... has me very very depressed but getting back on track there too. All in all, doing okay.
Haven't had much time to read to catch up here...but did see Bodhi's big news! Congrats!
LHW
Just incredibly busy now that we are in our new rental until April 1st with the revolving door of houseguests.
Had a very *minor* setback regarding my drinking, but back on track right away. More on that later. Please don't judge. I'm hard enough on myself as it is and know exactly where and why I failed. The failure..albeit a moment... has me very very depressed but getting back on track there too. All in all, doing okay.
Haven't had much time to read to catch up here...but did see Bodhi's big news! Congrats!
LHW
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 1,831
Thanks, Dee. I didn’t mean to imply anyone here in our class would judge me. I may have let the AV in for a brief moment.
I read a recent post on another section here where a long time SR member, no one in this class, absolutely blasted someone for a minor setback and questioned their commitment and desire to quit drinking simply because of their “join date”. It really really upset me. No one needs to be reminded of how long they have been trying to quit make it stick permanently.
LHW
I’ll update more later!
I read a recent post on another section here where a long time SR member, no one in this class, absolutely blasted someone for a minor setback and questioned their commitment and desire to quit drinking simply because of their “join date”. It really really upset me. No one needs to be reminded of how long they have been trying to quit make it stick permanently.
LHW
I’ll update more later!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I seem to remember that member apologised for that later.
We can all have bad days.
I struggled for fully 15 years to put down my drink, and longer than that to put down my weed.
I get it and so do others here.
Its tough to quit when most of us define ourselves by our drinking.
Its tough but not impossible
What happened yesterday is not as important as what happens today or tomorrow
D
We can all have bad days.
I struggled for fully 15 years to put down my drink, and longer than that to put down my weed.
I get it and so do others here.
Its tough to quit when most of us define ourselves by our drinking.
Its tough but not impossible
What happened yesterday is not as important as what happens today or tomorrow
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 1,831
Thanks, Dee.
Didn’t see the apology since I’ve been off for a week or so, but agree, sometimes we just have a bad day and say things we regret later.
That said, that particular comment actually led me to just say “ eff this” for a few days. As you know, I’ve been on here almost since the day the SR site was started and have struggled a lot. A lot. Seeing someone who has been fortunate enough to succeed at long term sobriety make a comment like that to someone simply asking for support just set me off on a bad couple of days. The cruel AV at work…..
Anyhow, all good and I am glad to back on track. The slip was very, very minor and lasted less than a day. I’m probably obsessing over it more than necessary.
LHW
Didn’t see the apology since I’ve been off for a week or so, but agree, sometimes we just have a bad day and say things we regret later.
That said, that particular comment actually led me to just say “ eff this” for a few days. As you know, I’ve been on here almost since the day the SR site was started and have struggled a lot. A lot. Seeing someone who has been fortunate enough to succeed at long term sobriety make a comment like that to someone simply asking for support just set me off on a bad couple of days. The cruel AV at work…..
Anyhow, all good and I am glad to back on track. The slip was very, very minor and lasted less than a day. I’m probably obsessing over it more than necessary.
LHW
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
if your AV is anything like mine was, it can use anything to make you drink.
It liked those eff it moments that upset us cos it didn't have to work that hard.
How evil is that?
The key is to learn to stop, think and say eff this to the AV
and...you (and everyone else) can always report posts if you think they break our rules... or pm me or Anna anytime
Its good you're back
D
It liked those eff it moments that upset us cos it didn't have to work that hard.
How evil is that?
The key is to learn to stop, think and say eff this to the AV
and...you (and everyone else) can always report posts if you think they break our rules... or pm me or Anna anytime
Its good you're back
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
