Free2bme888

Yes, Bravo Viking!

i can relate to so many things on your post.

This time, I’m working on the knee jerk reactions I used to have, looking at why I had them, and beginning to love all of me. My past, even the mistakes.

I’m so glad I have the sober time to see and think without need or want. Definitely don’t need or want it. Like cigs, I really believed I didn’t like smoking anymore, and I really believe I don’t like drinking anymore.

Getting more comfortable every day.

Free2bme888

Venus, sweet one, you are so wonderful to always offer kind words of support and share your story and experiences.

You are so appreciated.
🤓❤️

venuscat

Thank you dear Free ❤️

VikingGF

It's important to me that it's understood that coming here was a chore because of my attitude, not because of this community. I felt like I was 2 people and the not-drinking one was sooooo tired of talking and reading about alcohol. I also was not being authentic and rather than asking for the help I needed I was just putting on a good face and maybe if I had been more honest here and with myself I'd be celebrating 7 years sober.... but backwards is not a direction and I am proud and happy to be where I am- I'm so grateful for this class and all of you. Being open and honest is something I practice with myself (rather than the ostrich in with her head in the sand) and others every day. It's sometimes very hard to show my vulnerable side, but I have learned that my friends have been waiting for just that for quite a while.

I totally get the whole "love yourself" thing, Free. I am pretty far from that, but I have stopped all the terrible, negative self-talk and have forgiven myself for lots of transgressions towards myself. All those times I thought I was punishing or erasing someone/something, I was just erasing me. Because no one knew how much trouble I was in, no one came to "save" me so I looked at that as me being unlovable, unneeded and unimportant. I did not understand that it was just the result of me shutting everyone out, closing myself off and therefore getting what I had created for myself. Of course, that also gave me free rein to drink as much as I wanted. Ugh. I shudder just remembering that misery. When I come here now, I come here for me, but I also hope that I can prevent someone else from feeling that way or help them stop somehow.

I have a question- I'm finding that the longer I'm sober, more memories from every period in my life, even as a really young kid, are popping up and sometimes I just sit down and try to let them evolve so I can understand them. I wonder how much I buried all those years of alcohol, and how much will come back. Does anyone else notice this happening? They are not especially good or bad, but they have to be significant in some way, I would think. I don't know, it's just weird.

Dee74

I remember more now from Childhood than I used to but drinking still leaves me with some pretty huge gaps for 20 years after that.
D

Bodhi02

Beautiful post Viking! I’ve had a lot of memories come back up especially the ones from childhood I repressed.

Free2bme888

Yes, me too! A great thread here is “things I remember from childhood”. But yes, blips are showing up on my memory screen, but NOT all from childhood either. When they show up, I try to embrace them, that this was my life, (some are quite shameful, like when my college boyfriend convinced me to steal a bike on campus). Some things, I can’t believe I did EVER.

And then there are the kind things I did, volunteering in the community for healthcare, picking up an elderly lady for church, etc.

It is ALL me…..🤓❤️

venuscat

I remember everything.....just the way I work, but I did manage to squash a lot of memories down via alcohol.
It was a bit unsettling to have every single memory resurface, but I did as you are doing V: I sat with them.
Or lay in bed with them....letting them wash over me. Sometimes there was a lot of pain attached, but I felt it anyway.
And then I tried hard to let that pain go.

SouthernSober

Great topic y'all...don't know if this is helpful, but I've studied a lot about the role of the amygdala and its role in PTSD:

https://www.simplypsychology.org/amygdala.html

But the truth is there's still a lot of mystery about memories, good and bad, and various physiological functions. I no longer have the terrible nightmares I used to have, or severe hypervigilance. But like a lot of Veterans, I'm still stuck in combat mode.

The good news is I've made some peace with the troublesome past, and I'm better at staying present. Doing the right thing, one day at a time, makes for a more positive future, which dissipates the past. When you feel good about yourself--today--the past and future don't seem so ominous.

The longer I go without alcohol, the more I feel the sense of being "child-like," vs. childish. That's a real blessing in a current world in which so much seem so hostile and foreboding. Love this part from Viking:

"I totally get the whole "love yourself" thing, Free. I am pretty far from that, but I have stopped all the terrible, negative self-talk and have forgiven myself for lots of transgressions towards myself. All those times I thought I was punishing or erasing someone/something, I was just erasing me. Because no one knew how much trouble I was in, no one came to "save" me so I looked at that as me being unlovable, unneeded and unimportant. I did not understand that it was just the result of me shutting everyone out, closing myself off and therefore getting what I had created for myself. Of course, that also gave me free rein to drink as much as I wanted. Ugh. I shudder just remembering that misery. When I come here now, I come here for me, but I also hope that I can prevent someone else from feeling that way or help them stop somehow."

Let us be kind to one another--including ourselves.

venuscat

Sending you huge hugs dear SS xx ❤️

Free2bme888

Thanks SS.

The book The Body Keeps the Score is written by a Dr who worked with vets. Very good on PTSD. I will look at your link, and good reminder about the NOW, and then the shame of past and anxiety of future are diminished.

VikingGF

Anyone else ever come for a quick check in, look at the clock and THREE hours have gone by?? I get lost on this site sometimes, just reading what others have to say. This was supposed to be my early bed and knitting night...

I'm grateful to be doing something positive for myself, and I never leave without learning something useful or being reminded of something I needed to hear.

Off to bed, taking my poor, less than half completed hat with me.

Free2bme888

OoooOOOOoooooo, Viking! Let’s see the hat!

I do that sometimes too, lose myself here. It helps keep me in the NOW.

Most of us are doing well, yes?

SS, NL, LHW, Alpine, you are STILL part of this class, and we still need you. Together, we are strong.

Please come here and post weekly, no MATTER what…….yes?

Day 160 here. Feels like I crawled here on my hands and knees, and it also feels like I was teleported here in a nanosecond.

Now that I have cancer, I’m even more determined not to drink alcohol, a known carcinogen, The old me would have drank over the diagnosis, WTF.

No drinking today, thank you.

❤️🤓

Bodhi02

Free, I’m sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Im very happy to hear that you’re not turning to the drink ❤️ Please share more about what you’re going through if your comfortable. You don’t have to go through any of this alone.

SouthernSober

Hi y'all--

Wish I had a more upbeat update coming up on 6 months sober. I'd been trying the route of patience and soul-searching with AA, and then the bottom just fell out yesterday. Came home to a text from my (now) ex-sponsor: "It's time to leave the pity party and get back to work." The gamut of emotions--disbelief, shock, outrage--was broad and immediate. Not gonna vent for 3 paragraphs about it, which is the old me. But to get a text--a text!--like that after he and I had just had a long conversation agreeing taking a burn-out break is OK...just terrible. It doesn't sound like him--it sounds a lot like his sponsor issuing directives through him, something that had also concerned me but I never brought up.

For 5 1/2 months I poured everything I had into AA--to the extent I wasn't here on SR. To the extent I was cutting workouts short and going to meetings when the roads were black (icy/don't travel). I went to 150+ meetings and did hours of step work, sometimes in my own home, weekly. I came early and stayed late, pulling peoples' half-full coffee cups out of the waste basket 🙄 and picking up debris in the men's room. I did everything they told me to do and beyond.

I've seen voluminous examples of why people call AA a cult, and why such a high % (95% within the first year) leave. Keep in mind that if you look over my posts on SR...many of them are me being AA's biggest cheerleader.

It's one of those things in life where you're stunned it fell apart so quickly, but after having really thought and prayed about it...well, the signs and red flags were there all along. And dunno about you, but I have serious reservations about being a part of something in which your belief in reflecting carefully on something and doing what's right for you...is not only not respected, but also attacked.

I called my best buddy in the program. He's an outlier...21 years sober but not a bleeding deacon. 2 meetings a week, no sponsees, stays above the fray, doesn't recite slogans as every share. He was understanding, but expressed his concern about what happens when people stop going to meetings. I told him of course I'm concerned about it.

I strongly believe prudence is a big part of recovery and prudence is something we rarely, if ever, applied when drinking. A big part of it is not making snap decisions, and letting your conscience and subconscious work on a problem you're still mulling over.

Well, if they wanted me out of the program, they couldn't have designed it any better. I really feel they basically made the decision for me. And I know, deep in my heart, I did nothing wrong.

I don't want to mock fate or express hubris by saying I'll never be back...who knows? But here I am, ~6 months sober, tried the program for 16 years...I've had enough.

Oh, I had a drinking dream last night so intense I actually had a hangover in the dream.

I keep reading, and hearing, that no, it is not 1939 anymore, and yes, there are all kinds of programs for people with our affliction, and they work. You could say evidence of that is right here on SR. AA, on the other hand, will tell you "you are doomed" without AA.

Would really appreciate feedback on this one. It's been rough. I'm just trying to do the next right things--don't drink, talk to someone, watch your triggers, take care of yourself. best, SS

venuscat

Dear SS,

I am trying hard to understand. But I don't. I do not know what fell apart.
I do know that if AA upsets you this much, walk away.
Really.
There are other recovery groups, and of course there is SR always. s

Dee74

I’m not an AA member but I’ve seen it save some of my dear friends lives, so the only feedback I can give you SS is there are other paths up the mountain, cos I’ve trekked one myself and seen others do it too.

Sometimes folks, well meaning folks, can blunder in trying to help.

I wouldn’t respond well to ‘get off the pity pot’ myself…but sometimes those mottos are all folks have got.

There’s no sponsor degree and no sponsor University, y’know? Like you and I and everyone else here at SR I’m sure sponsors try and connect with folks to help them…and sometimes they fail dismally.

I am a little worried at all the headspace this is taking up for you SS, and for quite a long time now.

Don’t let this solidify into a grudge. Take action.

If you think this is more than just personalities and that AA itself is flawed, leave - you are not likely to burst into flames- but don’t stop looking for something to replace it.

Even the most intrepid of recovery explorers need guides, support, supplies and a map

SouthernSober

Many thanks VC, Dee...much helpful and much appreciated.

I'm hesitant to rehash what happened. But AA, like all organizations and institutions, is made of flawed individuals and many are smack dab in the midst of things. When they let their self-importance go wild, there's a real conflict with all sorts of things. Especially in AA. Tradition 2 states very clearly that "leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern." But it's observed more in the breach than in the practice. These people are never held accountable; they almost always resort to "I have X decades of time," so end of discussion. When that's pointed out, everything is steered back to slogans and platitudes. The concept of right and wrong is nonexistent. Where is this going?

What is a cult?

A cult is a group or movement held together by a shared commitment to a charismatic leader or ideology. It has a belief system that has the answers to all of life’s questions and offers a special solution to be gained only by following the leader’s rules. It requires a high level of commitment from at least some of the members. https://www.tennessean.com/story/new...cult/90377532/

Sound familiar? Well, that's exactly what happened here and what I've seen time and time again over 16 years. "I feel like I've escaped the commune," I think I wrote here recently when I first stopped (AA).

So yeah, that text from my ex-sponsor was beyond the pale. It was also pure doctrine and entirely disingenuous: do people really understand what the word "pity" means? If they do, do they see that it's one of those terms that is either approving or pejorative...depending on the context? Applied to someone in a tough spot through no fault of his own, it's sympathy; applied to someone you're judging, it's "self-pity" and condemnation. And we hear it all the time in recovery circles.

I've done--or not done--many things I'm ashamed of related to my drinking, but never did it involve self-pity. In fact it's a lifelong history of self-castigation and blame, long before I started drinking. [yes, I can hear the rebuttal now: those are forms of self-pity...but no, I'm talking about feeling sorry for yourself]

Trust me when I say that a military career will exorcise any inclination toward self-pity. You will get chewed alive for ever exhibiting it.

For the record, I learned a ton in AA, and no question it's helped many people. I think it would be very helpful to many people coming to SR, especially newcomers and those in crisis. But AA is blind to its own hubris and unwilling to do any of the self-examination and enactment of change ostensibly required of its members. That's not just my assessment. Substance abuse has exploded since the mid-90s, and membership in AA has been flat. The last studies done (1989) indicated that it works for ~5% of people who try it. In a study of 30 recovery methods, AA finished 28th. [I'm not vetting this--but I have researched it for years...if anyone has other numbers, please let's have them]

And you nailed it, Dee. Too much headspace. Way too much. Which is a danger zone for me and most people who've used alcohol to douse that crowded headspace inferno.

On that note, I've got a Saturday night to enjoy. Which is what I hope y'all are doing (or time equivalent). best, SS

Free2bme888

Watching recorded olympics, googling Mohs procedures and basal cell carcinoma on hands which is rare, skiing earlier today, and not much thought on my addiction, some errands, shopped at the thrift store, just stuff.

Getting pleasure from the mundane 🤓❤️

venuscat

Free honey ~ I got a shock yesterday when I read your news. I am sending you every healing vibe I can find. And love as well. s ❤️

Years ago dear SS, I was an avid AA member and started to feel the way you are feeling now. I mentioned it I think. I tried other recovery groups and was not comfortable. And then I started thinking about what "take what you need and leave the rest" means. What it meant for me specifically. I loved the program and I liked a few meetings very much. What I didn't like was some of the people.....the so-called fanatics.....the hard-core crew that dole out messages such as the one you received via text from your sponsor.

But what I finally realised is that AA is like a microcosm of life: some great advice and rules to live by, some awesome people along the way, some hurdles to climb, and some roadbumps to avoid.

So taking what I needed, I tried my best to live by the steps, I went to two meetings a week (one was my home group) and continued to make my daily readings a part of my life.

Now I did not stay sober, so how is that helpful? Well, I kept the tools. And when I went down a dark road a few years later, those tools stopped me from going completely over the edge. They got me here on that fateful day in November 2012. And it took a while still. I got sober Feb 13 and relapsed the following year, finally making it my way of life in October 2016.

I am not sure this post is useful....maybe it is.