Class of March 2020 Part 5
Member
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: Poole, Dorset
Posts: 533
Sometimes we are better off with certain people out of our lives, the old saying 'you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family' hey?
I'm sorry that you had that exchange with your Mum, it doesn't sound very pleasant. It is so difficult when someone who you feel should love you unconditionally seems to go out of their way to hurt you. Like you've said before - I'm sure your Mum has her own issues, but that doesn't need to continue impacting you negatively. You are plainly a strong person who is trying to do the best for your son and maintain your sobriety. Many people would have cracked and been back to Day 1 a number of times. Keep plugging away - you're a good person, keep telling yourself that, any negativity coming from your mum originates with her stuff not yours, It is difficult to make the decision to exclude family but if you're only experiencing toxicity then sometimes it's your only option.
Thinking of you
Love Billy x
I'm sorry that you had that exchange with your Mum, it doesn't sound very pleasant. It is so difficult when someone who you feel should love you unconditionally seems to go out of their way to hurt you. Like you've said before - I'm sure your Mum has her own issues, but that doesn't need to continue impacting you negatively. You are plainly a strong person who is trying to do the best for your son and maintain your sobriety. Many people would have cracked and been back to Day 1 a number of times. Keep plugging away - you're a good person, keep telling yourself that, any negativity coming from your mum originates with her stuff not yours, It is difficult to make the decision to exclude family but if you're only experiencing toxicity then sometimes it's your only option.
Thinking of you
Love Billy x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Hi Tink, I don't know what the 'best' thing is longer term but I really support your decision 150% not to drink over this. If you stay sober today then you can reflect and think about it, if you drink your mum will have caused something really bad to happen.
As for your mum...I think she got off lightly with what you said to her
As for your mum...I think she got off lightly with what you said to her
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Thank you everyone your support and kind words are so appreciated.
Its madness really that her way of reacting to being told i wasn't going to put up with having hurtful things said to me, was to say more and more hurtful things!
Im 100% not going to drink, in fact i think i was able to not accept or tolerate it because i am sober.
Been to shop and bought sweets and crisps to have a unhealthy movie night.
Hope everyone is having a calmer day than me
Its madness really that her way of reacting to being told i wasn't going to put up with having hurtful things said to me, was to say more and more hurtful things!
Im 100% not going to drink, in fact i think i was able to not accept or tolerate it because i am sober.
Been to shop and bought sweets and crisps to have a unhealthy movie night.
Hope everyone is having a calmer day than me
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Im not sticking up for her (quite the opposite actually!) but the way you describe her I am not sure she CAN respond in a different way. Like me when I was drinking...I couldn't step out of that head space even when I could sense it was destructive and irrational.
I obviously don't know her well but the more I hear the more it sounds like she has her own issues - whether they be MH, addiction, or other.
I guess that may help as you decide what to do and where to go next. I've got a lot of respect for you - we all have - for getting sober and being a great single parent and completely facing down some of the crap in your life. And getting a new job in the middle of all of that!! If you're mum can't support you in that - or more to the point if she undermines you in that - maybe you should tell her.
(I know it's easy to be dispassionate from a distance and in the closeness of the relationship it's much harder to do such things)
I obviously don't know her well but the more I hear the more it sounds like she has her own issues - whether they be MH, addiction, or other.
I guess that may help as you decide what to do and where to go next. I've got a lot of respect for you - we all have - for getting sober and being a great single parent and completely facing down some of the crap in your life. And getting a new job in the middle of all of that!! If you're mum can't support you in that - or more to the point if she undermines you in that - maybe you should tell her.
(I know it's easy to be dispassionate from a distance and in the closeness of the relationship it's much harder to do such things)
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Oh Tink I’m so sorry your Mum was so hurtful towards you 
I agree with Billy and Suze and Be. It’s her issues, not yours. You’re doing a great job of being a single Mum and being sober, and you don’t need that hurtful negativity in your life.
I’m just sending you huge hugs of support across the world ❤️ xxx
I agree with Billy and Suze and Be. It’s her issues, not yours. You’re doing a great job of being a single Mum and being sober, and you don’t need that hurtful negativity in your life.
I’m just sending you huge hugs of support across the world
❤️ xxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Thanks Be, no i dont think she can help it. Thats what i tried today to tell her its not ok to say things she does, but she just then says something more vile and hurtful. Im tired of it though as this has happened my whole life. I just need a break from her for a while for now and see how i feel in few weeks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Doing better today. Just found out my wife’s company making them work from home the rest of the year. Things are getting worse here in the states again so it makes sense. We are going to stay home as much as possible going forward. No sense in taking chances.
Tink, sorry to hear about your mom. She is just playing with your emotions and trying to blame you for her own faults. The best thing to do is not have any contact for the time being. You have to worry about your own health before her.
Tink, sorry to hear about your mom. She is just playing with your emotions and trying to blame you for her own faults. The best thing to do is not have any contact for the time being. You have to worry about your own health before her.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Well Tink, as easy as it is for me to say - if you have told her...and if she cannot (or will not) modify her behaviour then I don't think you've got much option but to put boundaries in. As sad as it is I think you need to protect yourself from her
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
I had to go no contact with my folks for a while Tink. Sounds like a good idea for you too, if you can manage it.
Try not to take any of it on board - you're doing great and sorting out your life
You don't need the toxicity.
D
Try not to take any of it on board - you're doing great and sorting out your life
You don't need the toxicity.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Thanks everyone, your advice as reassurance really helps, as i do question if it is me and my fault and maybe i am horrible and deserve it. But thats just how low my self esteem got. And i am really trying to rebuild a new better life, so yes me and my son have to come first, i cant be dragged down.
I think staying home and safe is best Bilr, thats my plan for summer too. Nice that you know your wife is home too.
Well i will try get some sleep
I think staying home and safe is best Bilr, thats my plan for summer too. Nice that you know your wife is home too.
Well i will try get some sleep
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
Morning all - hope you are all well. Hope you slept Tink, hope you feel better Bilr, hope you enjoy your days off Billy, hope you're enjoying sobriety willow
Another milestone for me today - 4 months sober. Lovely, I'll take that. I do find myself thinking of drink much less, I have idealised thoughts about drinking normally occasionally but not too often
Another milestone for me today - 4 months sober. Lovely, I'll take that. I do find myself thinking of drink much less, I have idealised thoughts about drinking normally occasionally but not too often
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Well done on 4 months Be 
And I am enjoying sobriety
This time feels it different. I really don’t want to drink anymore. Previously a little part of me was really resentful that I couldn’t drink normally, and that little part of me still wanted to drink. And when the cravings were strong, that little part of my brain took over, starting with the “just one or two will be fine”. Bad move every time. It was never one or two and it wasn’t fine. Something seems to have shifted this time because I’m feeling more accepting about the way things are. And I don’t actually want to drink. So hopefully this bodes well for a more successful quit this time! I’m definitely more at peace with the notion of not ever drinking again that’s for sure
It’s Saturday afternoon here, 5.20pm and I’ve had a pretty relaxing day at home, just pottering around at home, feeding the chickens and watching them cluck around the garden. Reading a book. And I made some soup. It’s been cooler weather so I thought soup would be nice
And I am enjoying sobriety
This time feels it different. I really don’t want to drink anymore. Previously a little part of me was really resentful that I couldn’t drink normally, and that little part of me still wanted to drink. And when the cravings were strong, that little part of my brain took over, starting with the “just one or two will be fine”. Bad move every time. It was never one or two and it wasn’t fine. Something seems to have shifted this time because I’m feeling more accepting about the way things are. And I don’t actually want to drink. So hopefully this bodes well for a more successful quit this time! I’m definitely more at peace with the notion of not ever drinking again that’s for sure
It’s Saturday afternoon here, 5.20pm and I’ve had a pretty relaxing day at home, just pottering around at home, feeding the chickens and watching them cluck around the garden. Reading a book. And I made some soup. It’s been cooler weather so I thought soup would be nice
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,254
Hi everyone
4 months Be, thats awesome, congratulations !!
Willow that was exactly what has been different for me this time, (I'd had countless day 1's), something in me just felt different i was just done, its exactly as you explain. Your home sounds so amazing I'm always saying to my little one i'd love chickens, to have fresh eggs.
Well my son wants to do some lego today so that should keep us busy. I feel ok about yesterday, feel sort of calm in my decision that enough is enough and a break away is for the best. I feel guilt thinking but there my parents, but then i think if anyone else spoke or said those things to me they would not be in my life, and giving birth to someone does not give a right to treat someone is a way that is hurtful.
Hope everyone has a good day/night.
4 months Be, thats awesome, congratulations !!
Willow that was exactly what has been different for me this time, (I'd had countless day 1's), something in me just felt different i was just done, its exactly as you explain. Your home sounds so amazing I'm always saying to my little one i'd love chickens, to have fresh eggs.
Well my son wants to do some lego today so that should keep us busy. I feel ok about yesterday, feel sort of calm in my decision that enough is enough and a break away is for the best. I feel guilt thinking but there my parents, but then i think if anyone else spoke or said those things to me they would not be in my life, and giving birth to someone does not give a right to treat someone is a way that is hurtful.
Hope everyone has a good day/night.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,329
Hey BE , congrats on 4 months. Looking back on day one I’m sure you are really proud of yourself. I remember the helpless feeling of thinking I could never stop the madness. I really have no desire to drink anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 8,762
Goodnight Be
Good morning from Aus
It’s Sunday morning here and looking like a beautiful day ahead. I don’t have any plans today which is nice. Just relaxing at home again. I have a busy week ahead so I’m making the most of a quiet weekend.
A lego day with your son sounds lovely Tink
Good morning from Aus
It’s Sunday morning here and looking like a beautiful day ahead. I don’t have any plans today which is nice. Just relaxing at home again. I have a busy week ahead so I’m making the most of a quiet weekend.
A lego day with your son sounds lovely Tink
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