Class of March 2020 Part 5
 

last part here

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rt-4-a-20.html

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best wishes with the job Be :)

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Thanks Dee, and for the new thread.

Of all the milestones part five of a SR thread is the most significant!

Nice day out, going to walk this morning then do some work later...a quiet day.

Hope everyone else is well and has a great day. Would it help to tell us about the ups and downs tink? I find splurging on here really useful

Its just the usual stuff really Be, i think i except massive changes when i stop drinking, like i should be rewarded somehow. I've been single around 8 years and it just gets hard at times feeling like im not good enough for anyone, and took me so long to trust after my ex husband that i feel i missed out on someone yet when i did reach out and open my heart to him last year he totally and cruelly hurt me. Maybe i need to except being alone is it for me.
Also my dad had a stroke 2 and half years ago yet the pain and unfairness of it seems to be hitting me again, maybe as i drank my way throuh it.
Bet you wished you hadnt asked Be ha ha.

Sorry for rambling everyone, i hope your all well and have a good Tuesday.

I look at it this way Tink.
I spent 20 years getting wasted...it's a good thing it doesn't take 20 years for the rewards to start to be apparent.

The rewards will come - no one would stay sober if that wasn't the case :)

About loneliness tho - I felt that too - but I realiised I was looking for a partner the same way I looked for a drink - as a problem solver.

so I put off the dating thing, and started solving my own problems.

When someone special came along (and they did within that first year) I was ready to share my life with them, not just my problems...you know? :)

D

I don't wish that at all, I'm glad you feel you can type this stuff out and know well listen (and probably empathise and identify!).

I agree about expecting changes, it's part of what led me to drink, expecting quick results and solutions to everything. But hang in there, you are doing everything right and things are getting better...

Hi Tink, I’ve said things in here that I have never told anyone face to face. I applaud anyone for just joining SR because I’m sure there are more who should than do. It feels good for your soul to release some of the things we say here because otherwise we would keep it bottled up. Saying things in here is also giving the confidence to slowly talk about this stuff with friends or family. I am very careful with who I trust in the real world but in here we all have the same common denominator we are trying to solve.

Okay, trying to psyche myself up for a run this morning. I have no choice but to do it now, or I can wait until it is almost 100 degrees in a few hours.

I passed the test for two nights with my wife away. I actually feel really content and at peace with myself and have no inclination or desire to drink. I’m finding out a lot about myself and realizing some of the things I thought were triggers were really just the ball and chain of alcoholism trying to drag me down. I mean, almost anything can be a trigger if your AV wants it to be.

Sorry for the long rant.

Thank you all for your support advice and kindness.

If I could have one wish, it would be that we don't apologise for 'the rant'. :)

Your posts are wonderful ~ the support and honesty here is so very special.
As Bil said, we are able to reveal things here and help each other in ways that is just well, pretty incredible.

And I so agree......anything can be a trigger. Anything at all.
So my daily program of recovery is imperative.

And Tink honey, I so agree with Dee....just work on you, do the things that will make you happy and you will be amazed at what will happen. :)

:hug: s ❤️

Hi Be! :wave: :) :hug: ❤️

Hi Venus!

and thanks Bilr, you have got a way of putting things very well and succinctly.

Ive been thinking about Venus' comments about dealing with a lot...I am at the moment and I think I'm finding it exhausting. It's ok, I have more good days and more good times than not, but the not-knowing and tension is hard work. Must be for my wife too.

Im going up a small hill in a minute to watch the sunset with the kids, then sleep, I need to sleep!

Enjoy the sunset love and goodnight. :) :hug: s xx ❤️

I really am journaling now, coming up to midnight, but keeping in mind venus' comments no apologies for doing so!!

When we got in this evening I asked my wife if she wanted to tell me how she was feeling and what she was thinking. She said she didn't feel like it - that's normal, she's refused to talk to me about this separation in any depth at all. So i asked her if she could explain why she wanted to separate and could see no possibility of reconciliation or point in working to save the marriage.

She told me that the nature of my behaviour has continued even though I'm not drinking, and the way I relate to her has gone on for so long she can see no possibility of improvement. She then listed five or six things that showed this in the last few days (all of which I would dispute but it wasn't the time!). The crux of the matter is that she has tried for so long she doesn't see any possibility of the relationship improving. She also said she didn't feel love for me, and that the kids had be damaged by my behaviour and so separating would be better for them.

I listened. I didn't argue, just listened. At the end I told her I thought all of it could be made better...she said in a functional relationship it could, but she had no trust in how I would use the conversation going forward. At the end as we wound up I told her I understood her feelings on the past and present and shared them, but as an optimist did have hope in the future even if she didn't share it. I also asked if the repeated patterns she referred to had happened in this conversation...she conceded they hadn't.

There is no conclusion to this report! - just getting it out there. Feels better taking it from my head to the screen

Oh my gosh Be.....your love and patience here is legendary.
I hope your wife sees this....I hope she opens her eyes and heart and sees the changes.
I am mega proud of you my friend.....and I want to give you a huge hug. :hug: s ❤️

Goodnight love. xx

Be, I am really sorry to hear what your wife said to you. I’m not sure what she means by your behaviors. I know I was more defensive while drinking and less apt to speak my mind. We spent all our adult lives drinking so part of our brain probably still needs to mature. Not sure I stated that very well, but hopefully you get my point. At the end of the day you have to be yourself, and if that isn’t good enough then there isn’t much we can do.

Thanks guys - I've woken up as early as normal despite being awake quite late.

i actually don't feel bad about the conversation - it is good to know exactly where I stand. I have a decision to make: whether I give up and accept that this is over; or whether I continue to work to save it.

In fact I think I know what I need to do. Both!

If I can get this job away and my wife and I can agree on how we operate when I am at home, I think I can let the relationship go whilst still leaving the door open for anything to change that may change in the future. And protect the kids for the short term.

And of course work on myself, my sobriety, my internal workings.

Today is day 4 of 4 of my wife being away. I thought that it would tougher than it actually has been. I have thought things through though. If I were to start it would have meant hiding stuff again when she got back. Also, she said I am a restless sleeper and curse in my sleep when drinking. This has not happened since I stopped drinking, so that would be a dead giveaway. I haven’t had thoughts of drinking so those things are just reinforcements if I ever think about it in the future.

Bet you feel proud of yourself Bil. :) :hug: ❤️

Yes, I guess I am Suze. For whatever reason I am finally feeling the benefits of being sober and enjoying these. These last few days have actually been good in that I am getting to reflect more and learn more about my sober self. I just have to read in SR and see others struggling to know we are all just one sip away from chaos.

Nice one Bilr, that's a really good update. Both the fact you breezed through your wife being away (it sounds to me like you breezed!) and that you're feeling benefits of being sober.

Im just chilling at home, it's been hot here today and I feel well-sunned. Have a nice evening/day everyone