Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 10
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
That's poop about your eye Kenton, I hope it's minor and goes away soon.
Welcome Peace Happiness to the Nobenders
great bunch of lovely people right here.
I have had a really rough couple of weeks, appears to have settled right down this week though. My cravings went through the roof, funnily enough, right along side my stress levels. I had a mini melt down last Friday and ended up giving myself an early mark from work around lunch time. That extra time of decompressing did wonders. I hung out with a friend and watched crime docos, chatted and basically just chilled out.
But I did come close to caving which scared the bejeezers out of me. Sooooo glad and proud that I didn't though. I am patiently waiting for the day where I don't get cravings anymore. I know it happens, I've read posts on here from long termers. Being 8 months in, I don't want to wish my life away, but hurry the F up already lol.
Dee, do you recall how long it took you for the cravings (albeit infrequent) faded into nothing?
Have a wonderful Tuesday peeps. Love to all xoxo
Welcome Peace Happiness to the Nobenders
great bunch of lovely people right here.I have had a really rough couple of weeks, appears to have settled right down this week though. My cravings went through the roof, funnily enough, right along side my stress levels. I had a mini melt down last Friday and ended up giving myself an early mark from work around lunch time. That extra time of decompressing did wonders. I hung out with a friend and watched crime docos, chatted and basically just chilled out.
But I did come close to caving which scared the bejeezers out of me. Sooooo glad and proud that I didn't though. I am patiently waiting for the day where I don't get cravings anymore. I know it happens, I've read posts on here from long termers. Being 8 months in, I don't want to wish my life away, but hurry the F up already lol.
Dee, do you recall how long it took you for the cravings (albeit infrequent) faded into nothing?
Have a wonderful Tuesday peeps. Love to all xoxo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi Poppy!
I'm not Dee, but hope you don't mind if I chime in. Dee has stayed sober longer, so I would trust him over me... that said...
When I have had long term sobriety it has been different each time. I know the first time I got 2 years it was filled so with the fear of drinking which I thought meant I wanted to drink. It really never went away and I think it is because of my attitude of fear.
The last time I got 2 years I found that the urge to go drink really only came up occasionally after the first 9 months. durning that 9 months I had done a lot of work on interspection on my self and helping others.
The time I got 7 years I stayed sober for a while on anger ... "I will not drink because then they win". I don't remember how strong or long each time of drink thoughts lasted. After a couple of years, I really didn't think that much about drinking and did not feel any strong urges. At 5 years and on, I don't think I ever thought about it at all really ... I just didn't think of myself as a drinker and had a happly decorated rat park to play in
(a good life).
I think every time I got sober it has been different, so since I have tried to do this deal so many times, I don't think of there being a pre-determined way that it is going to be. I just know this time I am in for the long haul and that eventually the desire to drink will be a bit fat nothing burger most of the time.
What did you do when this last craving hit to get past it? That would be helpful to you and to us in the future. I pretty much will put ANYTHING I need to between me and a drink.
Glad you got through it and very glad you are posting about it!
I'm not Dee, but hope you don't mind if I chime in. Dee has stayed sober longer, so I would trust him over me... that said...
When I have had long term sobriety it has been different each time. I know the first time I got 2 years it was filled so with the fear of drinking which I thought meant I wanted to drink. It really never went away and I think it is because of my attitude of fear.
The last time I got 2 years I found that the urge to go drink really only came up occasionally after the first 9 months. durning that 9 months I had done a lot of work on interspection on my self and helping others.
The time I got 7 years I stayed sober for a while on anger ... "I will not drink because then they win". I don't remember how strong or long each time of drink thoughts lasted. After a couple of years, I really didn't think that much about drinking and did not feel any strong urges. At 5 years and on, I don't think I ever thought about it at all really ... I just didn't think of myself as a drinker and had a happly decorated rat park to play in
(a good life).I think every time I got sober it has been different, so since I have tried to do this deal so many times, I don't think of there being a pre-determined way that it is going to be. I just know this time I am in for the long haul and that eventually the desire to drink will be a bit fat nothing burger most of the time.
What did you do when this last craving hit to get past it? That would be helpful to you and to us in the future. I pretty much will put ANYTHING I need to between me and a drink.
Glad you got through it and very glad you are posting about it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Steely, 
I have been thinking of you on and off over the last few days, and wanted to talk to you.
Everyone grieves differently and there is no wrong way to grieve. I think the purpose of grieving is to begin the healing process and for me to allow the person who has died to leave in peace. I often feel that my loved ones look down at me with pride and understanding, even when I feel I am a mess.
The more complex my relationship is with the person, the more difficult I find the grieving process. A lot of it is letting go of regrets and shame and all the negative remains I may be left with. Honoring my father was terribly helpful for me. I wore a special tie (from his school in Harvard) for a long time and then on the death day for many years. I began to see that he gave me a great deal of gifts.
I'm going to find and post the eulogy that I read for him. I think the eulogy can be very important in the process (though I had never thought so before). It is the telling of a story of myself, the one who has passed on, and all they have done and all of my relationship with them.
I now know that when what happens after life is an amazing space that I never wanted to return from. Therefore I guess I am left with being thankful for the greatest gift ... life... that my father gave me, and the knowledge that there is not shame, guilt or fear in the place after this life.
Anyhow... wanted to share my tears for you, your family and the loss of your mother. Our tears are what tie us together in our humanity.
Thank you steely for being here at this time to let us into your life.
I have been thinking of you on and off over the last few days, and wanted to talk to you.
Everyone grieves differently and there is no wrong way to grieve. I think the purpose of grieving is to begin the healing process and for me to allow the person who has died to leave in peace. I often feel that my loved ones look down at me with pride and understanding, even when I feel I am a mess.
The more complex my relationship is with the person, the more difficult I find the grieving process. A lot of it is letting go of regrets and shame and all the negative remains I may be left with. Honoring my father was terribly helpful for me. I wore a special tie (from his school in Harvard) for a long time and then on the death day for many years. I began to see that he gave me a great deal of gifts.
I'm going to find and post the eulogy that I read for him. I think the eulogy can be very important in the process (though I had never thought so before). It is the telling of a story of myself, the one who has passed on, and all they have done and all of my relationship with them.
I now know that when what happens after life is an amazing space that I never wanted to return from. Therefore I guess I am left with being thankful for the greatest gift ... life... that my father gave me, and the knowledge that there is not shame, guilt or fear in the place after this life.
Anyhow... wanted to share my tears for you, your family and the loss of your mother. Our tears are what tie us together in our humanity.
Thank you steely for being here at this time to let us into your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
10 days away from the 9 months mile stone. I feel like every time I get close to the next mile stone, the way gets really rocky for a bit.
Having had my mouth full of booze last Friday night has opened a door that I managed to keep shut for quite a while.
That taste. My brain is still going nuts about it. Cravings are back. I think just having the taste and feeling the slight burn in my mouth already triggered that one area in my brain. Crazy how strong this addiction is.
My weekend was tough. Not as tough as it must've been for you Steely or Kenton of course. But though. I had an argument with BF on Saturday and I think he was angry with me and upset cause I went out clubbing without telling me. He ignored the fact that I only did that after he cancelled on me for that night and said he didn't want to talk to me or see me.
He had nightmares about me cheating on him and it looked like they influenced our conversation. Parts of it were good though and gave me some new insight. He thinks that he's responsible for me and how I feel. That explains a lot of his behaviour. He's also really worn out lately. He lost it for a second and just stormed off angrily with lots of drama. I managed to convince him to not leave the conversation like that, come back in, have a cuppa and calm down before going back home. He needs help and will have to see how patient i can be. I love him very much but if he's not working on himself, I don't see a future for our relationship unfortunately.
Spend last night at his and offered to help him find a new doctor for his stomach problems. He didn't want to though.
It makes me so sad to see him unhappy and suffering and not doing anything to help himself. Also it's influencing our relationship in a negative way. It breaks my heart.
On a positive note, I managed to see through my alcoholic thinking this weekend which saved my day.
When my BF came over to have a talk on Saturday I assumed he'd stay for the night if things go well. He didn't want to though cause he needed space and time to process. He suggested we'd meet on Sunday night for dinner 1-2 hours.
My default reaction was to say no. Because I was frustrated that things wouldn't be like i had them planned and hoped for. So no plan B seemed good enough in comparison. In my destructive thinking I rather wanted to sit home alone, feeling angry, sad, frustrated and lonely than going out for dinner because I couldn't have my will.
Then I realised that this is not what life had planned for me and that I often don't want what's best for me. Cause my will would keep me from having a nice dinner and make me spend the night alone, feeling like life's unfair and I'm the victim.
But when I accept that my alcoholism is thinking and not me and that I can't trust it, then it's easier to let go and just accept what life has planned for me. Which ended up being a really lovely night with nice food and he then even wanted me to stay cause he felt a bit better again.
I noticed that usually when I start feeling like a victim or like I have to knuckle my way through to get my will or feel a lot of resentment or fear, that these are the moments where I need to question my thinking. Often it's just alcoholic nonsense based on entitlement/ thinking I am in control of things (or responsible for them) when I'm not.
Thinking of you Steely. I hope you're okay. We're here for you.
Same for you Kenton. Good health is so important. It effects our moods so much. I see it in my boyfriend and in me too. Love you both and I hope you'll both find some peace of mind and don't lose hope please.
Good to see you Poppy and Jillwink!
Love to you Ananda, you're providing this thread with so much wisdom!
Having had my mouth full of booze last Friday night has opened a door that I managed to keep shut for quite a while.
That taste. My brain is still going nuts about it. Cravings are back. I think just having the taste and feeling the slight burn in my mouth already triggered that one area in my brain. Crazy how strong this addiction is.
My weekend was tough. Not as tough as it must've been for you Steely or Kenton of course. But though. I had an argument with BF on Saturday and I think he was angry with me and upset cause I went out clubbing without telling me. He ignored the fact that I only did that after he cancelled on me for that night and said he didn't want to talk to me or see me.
He had nightmares about me cheating on him and it looked like they influenced our conversation. Parts of it were good though and gave me some new insight. He thinks that he's responsible for me and how I feel. That explains a lot of his behaviour. He's also really worn out lately. He lost it for a second and just stormed off angrily with lots of drama. I managed to convince him to not leave the conversation like that, come back in, have a cuppa and calm down before going back home. He needs help and will have to see how patient i can be. I love him very much but if he's not working on himself, I don't see a future for our relationship unfortunately.
Spend last night at his and offered to help him find a new doctor for his stomach problems. He didn't want to though.
It makes me so sad to see him unhappy and suffering and not doing anything to help himself. Also it's influencing our relationship in a negative way. It breaks my heart.
On a positive note, I managed to see through my alcoholic thinking this weekend which saved my day.
When my BF came over to have a talk on Saturday I assumed he'd stay for the night if things go well. He didn't want to though cause he needed space and time to process. He suggested we'd meet on Sunday night for dinner 1-2 hours.
My default reaction was to say no. Because I was frustrated that things wouldn't be like i had them planned and hoped for. So no plan B seemed good enough in comparison. In my destructive thinking I rather wanted to sit home alone, feeling angry, sad, frustrated and lonely than going out for dinner because I couldn't have my will.
Then I realised that this is not what life had planned for me and that I often don't want what's best for me. Cause my will would keep me from having a nice dinner and make me spend the night alone, feeling like life's unfair and I'm the victim.
But when I accept that my alcoholism is thinking and not me and that I can't trust it, then it's easier to let go and just accept what life has planned for me. Which ended up being a really lovely night with nice food and he then even wanted me to stay cause he felt a bit better again.
I noticed that usually when I start feeling like a victim or like I have to knuckle my way through to get my will or feel a lot of resentment or fear, that these are the moments where I need to question my thinking. Often it's just alcoholic nonsense based on entitlement/ thinking I am in control of things (or responsible for them) when I'm not.
Thinking of you Steely. I hope you're okay. We're here for you.
Same for you Kenton. Good health is so important. It effects our moods so much. I see it in my boyfriend and in me too. Love you both and I hope you'll both find some peace of mind and don't lose hope please.
Good to see you Poppy and Jillwink!
Love to you Ananda, you're providing this thread with so much wisdom!
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Hi Poppy
I craved relentlessly for the first month, less in the second. By 90 says I had thoughts of how nice a beer might be but I easily dismissed them.
In times of stress for the rest of the first year the thoughts were a little stronger but I got through them.
Havren't had any trouble now for a long time
D
I craved relentlessly for the first month, less in the second. By 90 says I had thoughts of how nice a beer might be but I easily dismissed them.
In times of stress for the rest of the first year the thoughts were a little stronger but I got through them.
Havren't had any trouble now for a long time
D
Administrator
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Hi Kev
it is hard to shut the door again but you can do it
I used to be a fixer too - I was historically the peacemaker, and a little codependent if I'm honest.
One day my wife said to me '****! just let me be upset! Trust me. I'll get over it'.
I quit fixin',
D
it is hard to shut the door again but you can do it
I used to be a fixer too - I was historically the peacemaker, and a little codependent if I'm honest.
One day my wife said to me '****! just let me be upset! Trust me. I'll get over it'.
I quit fixin',
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Kev,
As hard as the weekend was for you, you are a shining example of how we get through these things. Your self review is so clearly and compellingly honest and you seem to have made good solid sobriety based decesions. I use to feel like I was responsible for my son's feelings. It took me a long time to realize that is what it was and that it was a form of control.
If you don't drink, the cravings will lessen and disappear. And maybe this will be a reminder you can keep of just how powerful alchohol can be if you put it in your mouth, or the bottle if you have it in your home right now.
I do hope you threw away the bottle.
Thank you so much for sharing such a strong and compelling part of your life with us
and remember!
As hard as the weekend was for you, you are a shining example of how we get through these things. Your self review is so clearly and compellingly honest and you seem to have made good solid sobriety based decesions. I use to feel like I was responsible for my son's feelings. It took me a long time to realize that is what it was and that it was a form of control.
If you don't drink, the cravings will lessen and disappear. And maybe this will be a reminder you can keep of just how powerful alchohol can be if you put it in your mouth, or the bottle if you have it in your home right now.
I do hope you threw away the bottle.
Thank you so much for sharing such a strong and compelling part of your life with us
and remember!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
If I disappear for a few days, don't think that I'm drinking. I'm not drinking and I won't be drinking. Life is kicking my butt at the moment. My priority is my kids and it's taking everything I got to deal with what life is throwing at me plus being the best mum I can be. Right now I feel like I got nothing left to give.
I love you all xxx
I love you all xxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Kenton - I completely understand! I never assume someone is drinking cause they aren't here so ... no worries there!
Take care of yourself! Do what you need to do for you to get to a more peaceful place. Yesterday as I was getting ready to "hurry up" so I could get to a meeting in time, I realized that I could be on time or "walk with god". So I slowed down, found some peace and arrived late. Perfectly ok ... "on time" was really only about looking like a good little "AAer" not about anything more than that. All about how I would "look".
This thread isn't just about helping others, it's about getting support for what each of us needs to do.
So ... take care and we will see you at the end of your whirlwind, or sooner if you feel like you need to vent a bit during the process
Take care of yourself! Do what you need to do for you to get to a more peaceful place. Yesterday as I was getting ready to "hurry up" so I could get to a meeting in time, I realized that I could be on time or "walk with god". So I slowed down, found some peace and arrived late. Perfectly ok ... "on time" was really only about looking like a good little "AAer" not about anything more than that. All about how I would "look".
This thread isn't just about helping others, it's about getting support for what each of us needs to do.
So ... take care and we will see you at the end of your whirlwind, or sooner if you feel like you need to vent a bit during the process
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi Peace!
It's so nice to see you posting with us!
I checked you out (not in a bad way...just wanted to see some of your posts I hope that is ok), and I noticed that you posted about what people do to stay sober. I wanted to let you know that, although I try to discuss it here, I also started a post in the "secular recovery" section called "non-program recovery" (I think that is the title), and it is directed toward how people who do a patchwork plan... develop their own individual program. Since it is in secular I think god may not be an allowable subject (Not sure). However I think you could still post responses and participate.... maybe Dee will say a few words about how that works? .... I just am looking for non-god based methods of sobriety although I listen and learn from those with deep faith as well. (I'm a Buddhist and have a deep connection (sometimes) with something important...just not a "god" .. so I translate a bit)
Anyhow ... I look at what has worked WELL in the past and basically put anything that will stand between me and a drink that I can. I utilize (in current order of importance) Buddhism practice, awesome councilor, SR, and AA as possible given my belief system.
Again, I am glad to see you here!
It's so nice to see you posting with us!
I checked you out (not in a bad way...just wanted to see some of your posts I hope that is ok), and I noticed that you posted about what people do to stay sober. I wanted to let you know that, although I try to discuss it here, I also started a post in the "secular recovery" section called "non-program recovery" (I think that is the title), and it is directed toward how people who do a patchwork plan... develop their own individual program. Since it is in secular I think god may not be an allowable subject (Not sure). However I think you could still post responses and participate.... maybe Dee will say a few words about how that works? .... I just am looking for non-god based methods of sobriety although I listen and learn from those with deep faith as well. (I'm a Buddhist and have a deep connection (sometimes) with something important...just not a "god" .. so I translate a bit)
Anyhow ... I look at what has worked WELL in the past and basically put anything that will stand between me and a drink that I can. I utilize (in current order of importance) Buddhism practice, awesome councilor, SR, and AA as possible given my belief system.
Again, I am glad to see you here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,616
Am going out to see my mother's body today, before the funeral on Friday. No-one else is coming, not because they don't care, they do. People have all different ways.
I just need to have a few words with her for the very last time and to make sure they've got her nice.
I've not read anyone's posts except to catch a glimpse of you Nands where you talk about the more complex the relationship the more complex the grieving. I think that's what you were saying.
Funny Nands the "looking down on you in protection" that you use when when someone close to you dies. It's very good.
We were asked by the funeral director for a 'saying' Mum might have had, and my brother recalls her often saying that she 'threatened' to watch down on us from her cloud, just to make sure we were doing the right thing.
So she is looking down Nands, and I'm looking up. Works good both ways.
I'm pretty fruity at the moment so please bear with me and will talk later.
I am so eternally grateful that I did not drink, nor intend to.
I just need to have a few words with her for the very last time and to make sure they've got her nice.
I've not read anyone's posts except to catch a glimpse of you Nands where you talk about the more complex the relationship the more complex the grieving. I think that's what you were saying.
Funny Nands the "looking down on you in protection" that you use when when someone close to you dies. It's very good.
We were asked by the funeral director for a 'saying' Mum might have had, and my brother recalls her often saying that she 'threatened' to watch down on us from her cloud, just to make sure we were doing the right thing.
So she is looking down Nands, and I'm looking up. Works good both ways.
I'm pretty fruity at the moment so please bear with me and will talk later.
I am so eternally grateful that I did not drink, nor intend to.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
So ... confession time ....
I have daydreamed about how I could "get away" (hide) drinking today...
So .. why? Don't know, not sure there has to be a reason.
So a bit ago I decided to sit down and invite this desire to tea. To ask it why it wants to drink? Perhaps it is something that I can do something about?
The answer Mara gave was that its too fking hot and we need to opt out of being here. I said "well, Mara, there is something I can do about that. I can make some changes to make it cooler because the truth is it is too hot (not hot enough to drink, as if that would help at all ...). We topped out at 102 degrees a bi ago, and are now at 100 degrees and it is almost 5pm!
I'm going to go take a cold shower and maybe bring out the bedroom fan that is a bit stronger than the little one I'm running right now. If that isn't enough I can turn the thermostat down a bit ... it cost's money, but not as much as drinking would ... think bottle a day, medical bills, fast food meals ....
I feel a lot better now. I realize that the idea of drinking to "beat the heat" makes no since physically or in any other way. But I think it is a good idea to listen to what my body feels is becoming very intense and making reasonable accommodations.
Hope to see someone around later tonight. Don't worry though ... I do have it together and I will check back in
I have daydreamed about how I could "get away" (hide) drinking today...
So .. why? Don't know, not sure there has to be a reason.
So a bit ago I decided to sit down and invite this desire to tea. To ask it why it wants to drink? Perhaps it is something that I can do something about?
The answer Mara gave was that its too fking hot and we need to opt out of being here. I said "well, Mara, there is something I can do about that. I can make some changes to make it cooler because the truth is it is too hot (not hot enough to drink, as if that would help at all ...). We topped out at 102 degrees a bi ago, and are now at 100 degrees and it is almost 5pm!
I'm going to go take a cold shower and maybe bring out the bedroom fan that is a bit stronger than the little one I'm running right now. If that isn't enough I can turn the thermostat down a bit ... it cost's money, but not as much as drinking would ... think bottle a day, medical bills, fast food meals ....
I feel a lot better now. I realize that the idea of drinking to "beat the heat" makes no since physically or in any other way. But I think it is a good idea to listen to what my body feels is becoming very intense and making reasonable accommodations.
Hope to see someone around later tonight. Don't worry though ... I do have it together and I will check back in
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Queensland
Posts: 568
Morning all.
Nothing much to report from my neck of the woods. It's winter here and flipping cold. Meh!!
I'm really looking forward to hitting my year mark which is less than 4 months away
Anyhoo, have a great Thursday.
xoxo
Nothing much to report from my neck of the woods. It's winter here and flipping cold. Meh!!
I'm really looking forward to hitting my year mark which is less than 4 months away
Anyhoo, have a great Thursday.
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,616
Haven't read anyone yet. Mum's funeral tomorrow, Friday. Could not see her body yesterday, am going today.
Last night I craved marshmallows, sugar hit, but too tired to go to shop. I went to my bag to get my tobacco and there was an old pink marshmallow at the bottom of my bag. Where did that come from? I haven't bought marshmallows in decades.
I am not crazy, this is true.
Last night I craved marshmallows, sugar hit, but too tired to go to shop. I went to my bag to get my tobacco and there was an old pink marshmallow at the bottom of my bag. Where did that come from? I haven't bought marshmallows in decades.
I am not crazy, this is true.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
sometimes steely, a girls gotta do what a girls got to do!
I hope you get to see your mum's body like you wish to. I'm still thinking of you and sending all the good I can your way
Don't worry about catching up. We will catch you up as we go along
I hope you get to see your mum's body like you wish to. I'm still thinking of you and sending all the good I can your way
Don't worry about catching up. We will catch you up as we go along
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