Steely

Computer fading to shop today out for a week. I really hope it's only the Aphib Nands and if not we will continue to bat no matter what.

I'll be out for a week. My love to all.

Rock on Nobenders

kevlarsjal

Thanks Steely and Ananda for your encouraging words. Nands, I hope the doctors can help you with all their tests.

I just feel frustrated today. Being strong when it comes to my recovery is one thing.

But at the moment I have to be really strong in this relationship too. I am so unhappy. I feel heartbroken. It's so good to 'say it out loud' even though I'm just typing it. I wish I could tell my BF how unhappy I am. But he can't even handle a harmless 'I miss you' at the moment. It makes him feel stressed and like a bad boyfriend and then he freaks out.

He has zero energy at the moment. He's so irritable and just panics or feels overly stressed about the tiniest things. Especially relationship related things. I don't know how it got this bad. I think it has to do with his health issues (he has chronic stomach issues which were extremely bad lately and made him unable to do anything). But also with me being a bit needy until recently and always requesting his help and attention. He didn't take good care of himself and now is battery is empty.

Which means that he needs time for himself and he doesn't want to see me. Or can't see me. He doesn't have the nerves for it. Part of me understands. He's not exactly able to be social with anyone at the moment. So I shouldn't take it personal. But part of me just misses him so much and it's hard to not see him and to not have him being there for me like he used to be. I just miss our relationship how it was last year so so much. It hurts.

I try to stay positive and have faith. But I'm not always strong enough. I know the only way this relationship is ever going to work again will be to give him time. Time to recover, gain back energy and work on himself. And also use that time to work on myself so I am less dependent on him and not so needy anymore.

I just wish he could reassure me more. He says he wants this relationship and he loves me and that he believes in a future together but he doesn't seem happy when he sees me (which is because he feels so bad I guess) and he doesn't want to see me (for the same reason) and it just makes it so hard for me.

It might seem crazy to you all that I hold onto this relationship. But what we have is very special to both of us. It's unfortunate that we both are a bit of a mess at the moment, so it's really not easy. It's sounds a bit cheesy and esoteric but when we met for the first time we both felt like we found each other again. Like we were together in a life before and now have found each other again after looking for the missing part all our lives. When I saw his face for the first time it felt weirdly familiar like I have known it all my life. And people that know us both say that it just makes sense that we're together or that we make the perfect couple cause we are the same, like the same person, each of us makes half of it. He means very much to me and I do hope that we can make it as a couple. Sorry this is one of the weirder posts I've written, I am overly emotional lately.

Steely

Putting computer in shop now. Can't work like this. I'll be out for about a week. No money!

Could not work out if the Aphib has been ruled out Nands but really hope it's what's causing the problems.

If not, we'll bat on as is our usual style.

My love to all and see you soon.

Ananda

They don't think it is the aphib ... doing more tests - heart and lungs and will review after the surgery ... till then, I just have to plug on.

Sorry for non-responsiveness. It's just been a very hard day and I'm ok but warn out. I'll check in in the morning

stay safe steely

Poppy79

Kev, sounds like you are in tune with your feelings regarding the mister. And that's a great thing. Sometimes people can't be what we want or need them to be. I am learning that now.
My hubby is not being supportive and I am punishing myself for that let down.
My previous post to you was to cut him loose, I retract that you know what you want and need and it sounds like this guy is more good than not.
At least your not drinking. Wish I could say the same!
Everyone I have talked to is proud that I only had 1 bottle (not true, I had 2 half strength bottles, bought a third but tipped it down the sink).
I have booked an app to see my psych, earliest he can see me is next Tuesday. So I booked to see a new addiction counsellor, going this afternoon. I don't want to be around hubby as I am angry at him.
Sorry I have made this post about me again and lost focus on your issues Kev. Not my intention.
Bloody hell life is one roller coaster and I am not enjoying this particular loop.

Poppy79

Should I join the July class? I feel like maybe I should exit this class given I have failed
Everyone around me is saying how proud they are of me and I feel like a total failure. Couldn't even get to a year and all of you know how excited I was for that achievement.
My mind set is screwed. I am still punishing myself. Anger is a real issue with me. And rather than unleash on loved ones I go into self destruct mode. Im doing it now.
Feel like I am heading towards a massive relapse and so angry at myself and a few others who selfishly put me in this predicament. I know that no one forced me to drink but circumstances over the past couple of weeks have certainly contributed to my downfall. I could see it possibly coming. I still put others before me.
Sorry I don't know what I am asking here, I just know that I am smack in the middle of self destruct and I'm scared.

Ananda

Oh Poppy ... I hope you will stay.

You could be in two threads .... there are no rules here. Steely didn't change threads when she had a lapse.

Also, You know I have had to start over many times. Yet I still consider my home thread to be the first one I joined ... and believe me that was a long time ago (November of 2008) and I wasn't even at that sober date when I joined...

Mostly you need to do what is best for you. I wouldn't want you to come here if it is only adding to your embarrassment and fear, but hope that would fade in time.

You know you are not the first to take a misstep on the path to sobriety, and you won't be the last. I believe that each of us has exactly the same chance of staying sober as anyone else regardless of amount of time. I know it isn't this way for everyone, but since I can't see the future, I don't know for certain that I won't drink again ...

Please don't start cutting yourself off from those who support you though.

If you feel like you are headed for a full blown relapse (and even if you don't) grab every single hand that reaches out to hold yours. I have to put everything I can between me and a drink every day. Sometimes that just is natural and easy ... sometimes it is hard, challenging and feels horrid. Main thing is to get through.

Dignity and Grace are over rated. I just want to get through kicking, screaming and afraid (at times).

Ananda

Poppy ... also ...

go back and read your post from earlier today. You talked about getting back up and following a plan I believe?

Please encourage yourself the way you would others. Use your compassionate voice in your self talk and you will always hear compassion from us.

I'm thinking of you. If I go to bed before you reply I will still go to bed knowing that you can do this and will consider you an awesome woman regardless of your "sober date".

kenton

Just lost a really long post and don't have time to re type. In a nutshell....

Poppy, nobenders do not banish nobenders. Once a nobender always a nobender. I really hope you don't leave this thread. I will miss you so much and start chatting to you on whatever thread I see you on so please please don't leave xxx

Nands, I'm so sorry to hear about your health worries. Must be so scary. How long now until your surgery? I'm sending you loads of love and praying for you. I'm sure everything will be ok but that's not to diminish how you are feeling now. Stay strong xxx

Kev, sounds like you and your bf are twin flames. Google this if you haven't heard of it. The relationship between twin flames tends to go through periods of very intense emotion. It sounds like yours is a relationship worth fighting for Kev. This tough time will pass xxx

Steely, I know you won't read this for a week but I want to say hi and send you my love.

Lots of love to everyone reading this. Going to send this before I lose it and I really lose it!!! Xxxx

Ananda

I'm sure it's all good Kenton. I may be a bit mum for a while. I know that I am in a vunerable place right now and that is when I sometimes ruin relationships in 60 seconds of thoughtless reaction. I'm also feeling defensive and will read a whole lot into a whole lot of nothing.

I probably have said this before, but I will say it again because I need to hear it.

My understanding from Buddhism of how my mind works is this (and probably an inaccurate understanding if you talk to a more educated Buddhist), My brain function that I call "the general" sends out his little minions (body senses, eyes, ears, taste, touch, etc.) to bring back a data report on what is out in the world. When the senses are sent out the general already has decided what is going to be the answer. therefore, upon the minion's return they support his basic assumptions and validate his truth, his version of the world, regardless. It only reports that which can be twisted to fit his mindset.

Then, self reinforced, the general sets the marching orders for actions based on false information.

The big one for me right now is that I seem to have pre-determined that I am just lazy and fat .... and that others know I am just lazy and fat .... that there is no real problem and I am just making excuses.

Now this conclusion may or may not be true, but the data isn't available to make a real determination, and even when the data is in... it won't necessarily mean that I am just lazy and fat cause "nothing is wrong" or that I'm above being lazy and my weight doesn't matter cause there is "something that isn't under my control" that makes me unable to be productive.

The truth really is that I will never know how much of this is related to physical (Dr. don't always get it right) and how much is related to my mental excuses (because even the physical can be exacerbated by mental excuses).

OK ... I feel better right now. Under certain circumstances (physical or mental) feelings of self pity and guilt will arise. Circumstances will change as they always do and the feelings and thoughts will cease.

I just have to accept that right now I have these thoughts, feelings ... a certain physical response and this is just the way circumstances are right now...not forever

Sorry to blither on so .... just needed to sort my head a bit.

kenton

You weren't blithering on Ananda. I hope it helped to sort things in your mind. I can totally relate to the general sending out his little minions to reinforce his strongly-held views about the world.

One of the most powerful things I've learnt here, and I may have learnt it from you, is that my thoughts are not always telling me the truth. Every day now I challenge my thoughts. Not the positive ones, but definitely the negative ones. Just adding that extra layer of thought seems to undo a little of the negativity. So if I suddenly find myself thinking, "you (me) were quite stressed and snappy at work last week. Everyone probably hates you now. They're probably all talking about you behind your back." Now I think, "everyone at work knows I was stressed last week because I had to get 2 projects completed before the kids break up. Yes, you were a bit snappy but you apologised for this and everyone was fine about it. No one hates you and if they're talking about you behind your back and not to your face, that's their issue, not yours".

The general inside my head doesn't always agree with the data received but undermining the all-powerful, all-knowing general seems to be enough to break the cycle of negative thinking.

I hope you have a good day Nands xx

Hope everyone is doing ok. Poppy, how you feeling now? And you too Kev? And Dee on holiday and Steely and LSW and Plenny and Peace and everyone else.

Love to you all xxxx

kevlarsjal

Thanks Kenton for mentioning the twin flames. I looked it up and it really sounds like it describes my BF and me. Spooky.

Yesterday was good, today I'm feeling frustrated again. We're planning to see each other this weekend and I made a flirty / silly comment to which he replied that he's not in the mood for sex lately and asking if we had to plan it now or if I wanted him to commit to anything right now.
Which was weird cause I never planned or wanted him to commit beforehand to be intimate with me at a certain time. I told him that we don't have to of course and that I was mostly just being silly and said that I hope he didn't feel reduced to anything or pressured by my comment. He said it's fine and changed the topic.

Now I am a bit annoyed because he didn't ask me once how I feel about this situation. And I don't feel great about it. I know he has no energy and feels depressed and I guess that's why he doesn't show me much love / appreciation lately. Not in a physical way and not in any other. So I am pretty sure it's nothing to do with me but still it's hard for me to deal with. So I make sure he doesn't feel bad about not wanting sex but he doesn't seem to care how I feel. Because I still do feel a bit rejected and not much loved at the moment and it's hard to always be strong and positive and have faith.

He still hasn't made any appointments with therapists. I think that's unfair because his depression is really effecting our relationship (not only our sexlife but generally). Or is it selfish of me to expect him to get better so I can feel better too? I'm confused and a bit angry.

kevlarsjal

The most difficult thing for me is that I can't tell him how I feel. Cause if I did he'd get upset cause it would make him feel like a failure or a bad boyfriend and just add to his stress. He might even get angry with me for telling him how I feel cause he finds it insensitive.

Poppy79

So I am going to remain in nobenders. I started taking antabuse again yesterday and will keep taking it until I have a couple of weeks under my belt.
It was eye opening how quickly I fell back into old ways. But I am determined to beat this... have to keep telling myself I nearly got to 9 months, had a short lived blip and now going to get the remaining 4 months to get that year!
Kev, it's hard when you can't open up to your partner for fear of causing them grief. I totally get it. I'm not great at talking and my hubby is even worse. So we tip toe around deep issues which doesn't help.

Ananda

Kev - As a single person, I really don't understand significant intimate other relationships. I learned a little bit from relationships I had 25 to 35 years ago... Mostly I know I am glad that I don't have a sexually intimate male long range partner in my life. I guess I try to stay away from that most of the time because it just seems really messy without much payoff. Just know that being single sure makes settling into sobriety a bit less stressful and confusing.

That said I do know that I still love many of those men I had relationships with. I don't regret a one of them now.

Poppy - remember that you lost a short period of potential sobriety by your drinking. We never loose the sober days we had before, and often don't loose the sober skills and benefits that we gained before.

It is a bit different if you go on for years ... I guess the longer I drank the harder it was to remember and reinvigorate the tools I had learned.

I really do simply try to appreciate each day of sobriety on it's own. I have gone back down the rabbit hole a few too many times and have a real sense of the unbelievable miracle it is for me to be sober right here and right now.

Love you Poppy and glad you are gonna stick around as a forever nobender!

Poppy79

Love you Nands. I feel different today, like this week has made me truly understand how slippery the slope back into hell is. One day I am strong, don't even think about drinking them BAM, sprinkle some stress and worry into my life and I jump back into the hole of hell.
Thankfully I haven't done any irreparable damage but I so easily could have.
Anyone entertaining the thought of drinking, don't do it. It ain't worth it and the shame and anxiety that follows is horrid. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Thanks to all of you for pulling me out of this funk xx

Ananda

When those mean old alkie urges start trying to plan a sneak attack...

Just call on....


Hedgy monster.jpg

Ananda

grrr ... won't let me post my other hedgy attackers...

kenton

Kev, hope it goes ok with your bf this weekend. It must be tough having to keep your true feelings to yourself for fear of upsetting him. Vent here instead. I always find that writing stuff here massively helps get some order in my disorganised brain.

Poppy and Nands, thank you so much for talking so honestly about the hell hole of relapse. Your words are golden - the most valuable warning to other addicts. By sharing you are saving others from the horror of relapse. I'm so sorry you've gone through it but I know you are stronger as a result.

So I've been noticing stuff about myself I never noticed before. We've started watching Ozark on Netflix. Has anyone seen it? It's brilliant. Got the whole Breaking Bad vibe. Anyway, last night we watched an episode and I wanted to watch another and another even though I was tired and needed to sleep. Luckily my husband understands the meaning of moderation and so knows when to turn off the TV and cut me off from my latest addiction. I realised I'm like this with everything. When we travel anywhere and I buy sweets for the journey, my sweets are scoffed before we've even got on the motorway whereas my husband will still have some left for the journey home.

I've never really noticed before how my addictive personality manifests itself every single day. No wonder I went so overboard with booze! It's great to finally have this self awareness and to realise that me and toxic substances are never going to be a good mix.

Just noticed we've got over 500 posts on this thread and Dee is away. I might message Anna and see if she can create a new thread for us so no one might see this message. If you do, hello! Hope you are all doing ok. Much love xxxxx

Anna

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