Class of November 2016 Support Thread Part 10
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
I know I was doing so well. Today just felt off.
Actually I woke up in a strange mood because I had a strange dream. You were part of it Steely. I dreamt that we were at some fancy SR dinner party and our class sat at this round table with a fancy table cloth. And I felt like a fraud.
It was because I no longer wanted to remain sober. So I whispered in your ear that I want to give a "drinking in moderation" program a try once I feel a bit more stable and once I'm done with studying and have more of a routine cause I thought there would be no risk of day drinking again then.
And then my BF was weird all day and I felt just really off and couldn't find peace in prayer or meditation. I noticed how I tried to push my will through today. That's usually a bad sign. But I couldn't feel a spiritual connection to my HP today. It just wouldn't work. So I could either not do anything or be guided by my own will. Maybe that was wrong.
I still feel a strong desire to drink. I can't let go of the thought. Although now I feel less stressed and more defeated.
Actually I woke up in a strange mood because I had a strange dream. You were part of it Steely. I dreamt that we were at some fancy SR dinner party and our class sat at this round table with a fancy table cloth. And I felt like a fraud.
It was because I no longer wanted to remain sober. So I whispered in your ear that I want to give a "drinking in moderation" program a try once I feel a bit more stable and once I'm done with studying and have more of a routine cause I thought there would be no risk of day drinking again then.
And then my BF was weird all day and I felt just really off and couldn't find peace in prayer or meditation. I noticed how I tried to push my will through today. That's usually a bad sign. But I couldn't feel a spiritual connection to my HP today. It just wouldn't work. So I could either not do anything or be guided by my own will. Maybe that was wrong.
I still feel a strong desire to drink. I can't let go of the thought. Although now I feel less stressed and more defeated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Kev (hug) sorry, computer crashed and had to switch computeres...
you are not a failure. It is normal for an alchoholic to have those thoughts and so far you actually haven't done it.
Even had you, you still would need to stop and we wouldn't want you to go on a full run!
I feel like a fraud sometimes. Even though we do well, there are parts that aren't and they tend to bubble up on us even when we thought we were ok ... then feel like an idiot and fraud
But you aren't Kev ... you are an alchoholic having a bad day. And you know what isn't the answer and I think reaching out here means you know the answer.
Dont sweat the dream ... I had a similar one about my AA group night before last....
you are not a failure. It is normal for an alchoholic to have those thoughts and so far you actually haven't done it.
Even had you, you still would need to stop and we wouldn't want you to go on a full run!
I feel like a fraud sometimes. Even though we do well, there are parts that aren't and they tend to bubble up on us even when we thought we were ok ... then feel like an idiot and fraud
But you aren't Kev ... you are an alchoholic having a bad day. And you know what isn't the answer and I think reaching out here means you know the answer.
Dont sweat the dream ... I had a similar one about my AA group night before last....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
Is this self sabotage Kev? We're all addicts. We've all got self sabotage locked in our brains somewhere. We think that everything is going well, we notice we're feeling better and then something in us says, "f*** it! Life will probably not stay this good. Might as well speed up the inevitable and start drinking".
That's when you check in here Kev or go to a meeting and speak to other addicts who get it. Don't drink Kev. Nothing is worth drinking over and you are worth everything. You've come so far. Don't listen to the voice that says you want to get hammered. That voice is talking s**t. The real you, the you that has grown so much in the last 8 months doesn't want to get hammered. Listen to her xxxx
That's when you check in here Kev or go to a meeting and speak to other addicts who get it. Don't drink Kev. Nothing is worth drinking over and you are worth everything. You've come so far. Don't listen to the voice that says you want to get hammered. That voice is talking s**t. The real you, the you that has grown so much in the last 8 months doesn't want to get hammered. Listen to her xxxx
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Kev,
Since you are doing AA, this is a time that at some point before a drink you might consider calling her.
And we here are not "fancy" and no pretences. yeah .. i like the lovely and eligant, but I love the hands in the mud and covered with sores me and you too (hug)
You do belong here
Since you are doing AA, this is a time that at some point before a drink you might consider calling her.
And we here are not "fancy" and no pretences. yeah .. i like the lovely and eligant, but I love the hands in the mud and covered with sores me and you too (hug)
You do belong here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Ditto Kenton ...
Sometimes I think It's better to just give up than to try and possibly fail.
And that is nonsence. Failure isn't falling, Failure is not getting up. (some one else said that).
And you don't have to fall into the bottle, you have only slipped a bit in how your head is talking... remember just because it says something doesn't mean you have to think it is true or follow it's siren call.
We are all here with you hon!
Sometimes I think It's better to just give up than to try and possibly fail.
And that is nonsence. Failure isn't falling, Failure is not getting up. (some one else said that).
And you don't have to fall into the bottle, you have only slipped a bit in how your head is talking... remember just because it says something doesn't mean you have to think it is true or follow it's siren call.
We are all here with you hon!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
Thank you all for being there for me. It means so much. And it helps to fight the AV off that you say it's not a relapse yet. I don't know if this is self sabotage, I assume it is. It doesn't feel like it at the moment. I am not very in tough with the real me today or the wrong me is perfectly disguised as the real one. I just want to drink. My mind is racing to find a way how I could possibly drink without it being wrong. Of course it won't succeed.
A friend who knows that I'm a recovering alcoholic asked me to go out with her and she won't drink with me. Dunno how to handle being around booze but the booze is still standing right beside me at home anyway. So maybe distraction would be good and chances I'll drink around her will be smaller than drinking alone. Dunno what to do
A friend who knows that I'm a recovering alcoholic asked me to go out with her and she won't drink with me. Dunno how to handle being around booze but the booze is still standing right beside me at home anyway. So maybe distraction would be good and chances I'll drink around her will be smaller than drinking alone. Dunno what to do
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Kev ... first priority ... get rid of the bottle.
Call whoever is around that will support you and have them dump it for you if touching it would bring you any closer.
If there truley is no one there f2f you can call right now, then please dump it and we will be right next to you to help.
Call whoever is around that will support you and have them dump it for you if touching it would bring you any closer.
If there truley is no one there f2f you can call right now, then please dump it and we will be right next to you to help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I learned along time ago the farther away I am from the actual bottle the less likely it is for a true only moment of cave in can get me drunk.
I'll tell the whole story another time.
I am right there by you to hug your heart.
I'll tell the whole story another time.
I am right there by you to hug your heart.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
I agree with Ananda. Get rid of the booze Kev. In terms of going out, I'm not sure what you should do. Whatever best supports your sobriety. I wish I was there with you Kev. Please don't drink. You've got the power now to keep your sobriety on track. If your AV is so strong you can't distinguish it from the real you, just trust us. Drinking will give you nothing Kev xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,536
If you whispered to me that you felt like trying a controlled drinking course once you have your life in order kev I would't really try to dissuade you unless I really knew your history, and then I could only give advice. People try a lot of things before they are convinced in whatever way.
If I did decide to do that (I won't) I would see an addictions counsellor first, for assessment.
It's interesting the shift between you being the one originally insecure about your relationship, and now he?
My only thoughts on the AA bloke were that he might not have been riding his bike because of the rain, and if just friendly I reckon it's good, and have had friendly relations with (some) good men in AA before. Not many.
Just wanted to impart caution when dealing with men when still vulnerable, and in such a vulnerable setting.
If you asked me I'd say, "My overriding feeling kev is that you don't want to drink."
If I did decide to do that (I won't) I would see an addictions counsellor first, for assessment.
It's interesting the shift between you being the one originally insecure about your relationship, and now he?
My only thoughts on the AA bloke were that he might not have been riding his bike because of the rain, and if just friendly I reckon it's good, and have had friendly relations with (some) good men in AA before. Not many.
Just wanted to impart caution when dealing with men when still vulnerable, and in such a vulnerable setting.
If you asked me I'd say, "My overriding feeling kev is that you don't want to drink."
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
you know Kev ...
I think about what you would say to one of us struggling in the right now with drinking. It's something to think on.
I would never tell someone else they were a fraud and should drink or that they would be successful and moderation. And yet it is what I often told myself, and still do on occasions. I have just been able to keep from going to the liquer store so far (I know other places it's at the grocery shop... but you get it).
remember the strides you are making sober. This moment you may not feel your higher power, but it is there. That happens to me often and is frustrating. But I keep faith that I will see and feel that movement in my heart again ... just a momentary "put on hold" going on....
I think about what you would say to one of us struggling in the right now with drinking. It's something to think on.
I would never tell someone else they were a fraud and should drink or that they would be successful and moderation. And yet it is what I often told myself, and still do on occasions. I have just been able to keep from going to the liquer store so far (I know other places it's at the grocery shop... but you get it).
remember the strides you are making sober. This moment you may not feel your higher power, but it is there. That happens to me often and is frustrating. But I keep faith that I will see and feel that movement in my heart again ... just a momentary "put on hold" going on....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 523
I put the bottle out of spontaneous reach (locked it away) because I didn't feel comfortable opening it again tonight. Don't trust myself. I have a good sense of smell and i still felt like i wanted to drink it.
I don't know whether to go out or not. It's a techno night club. I love the loud music but maybe I couldn't handle the not drinking when everyone else around us is.
An AA friend offered to call me once she's home in about an hour. Maybe I just stay at home, talk to her and then go to bed.
Going out would be nice cause I'd see my friend and maybe could have some fun but maybe it would end terribly wrong.
I'm usually good at distinguishing what feels right and what wrong but today it's non existent.
I don't know whether to go out or not. It's a techno night club. I love the loud music but maybe I couldn't handle the not drinking when everyone else around us is.
An AA friend offered to call me once she's home in about an hour. Maybe I just stay at home, talk to her and then go to bed.
Going out would be nice cause I'd see my friend and maybe could have some fun but maybe it would end terribly wrong.
I'm usually good at distinguishing what feels right and what wrong but today it's non existent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,536
Just thought too that if the urge is really compelling kev it is the very reason why you should not, drink, that is.
I find moreso now, that to be in company sober is better. And that means any company).
You get to see and experience everything and even if a bit uncomfortable at the start is worth the effort in every way. It ain't easy.
I find moreso now, that to be in company sober is better. And that means any company).
You get to see and experience everything and even if a bit uncomfortable at the start is worth the effort in every way. It ain't easy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Locking it up is a good start Kev ... I know how hard it would be for me to pick it up and toss it.
I hate to be bossy ... but... I vote for waiting for your AA freind to call. And then a good night's sleep. Perhaps when she calls she will be wanting to stop by for a while.
I hope you were able to tell her the exact position you are in with the bottle right now. Most AAers will make the extra effort to help if you let them know you aren't just having a "bit of a hard time" , but rather staring down the bottle (I've done that and it didn't work out at times).
OK ... I'll give you some space. I really need to get to the store or I can't cook dinner, but will check back in about a half hour. please take care. I love you.
I hate to be bossy ... but... I vote for waiting for your AA freind to call. And then a good night's sleep. Perhaps when she calls she will be wanting to stop by for a while.
I hope you were able to tell her the exact position you are in with the bottle right now. Most AAers will make the extra effort to help if you let them know you aren't just having a "bit of a hard time" , but rather staring down the bottle (I've done that and it didn't work out at times).
OK ... I'll give you some space. I really need to get to the store or I can't cook dinner, but will check back in about a half hour. please take care. I love you.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
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I'm with Ananda on this one Kev. Sorry if we sound like over protective mothers but we care about you so much.
I feel for you, I really do and I'm so hypocritical because when I was your age I was falling out of every club in London drunk as a skunk and thinking I was living the dream. I wasn't of course. I was living a nightmare but was so deeply in denial about my addiction, I was years away from being free.
You are so enlightened Kev. I know you want to go out and listen to loud music but I'm not sure that's the right place for you tonight. If there's even the slightest chance of it all going wrong and you waking up hungover tomorrow, I really think you should stay in tonight and wait for your friend to call. And post here. We're all here for you Kev xxxx
I feel for you, I really do and I'm so hypocritical because when I was your age I was falling out of every club in London drunk as a skunk and thinking I was living the dream. I wasn't of course. I was living a nightmare but was so deeply in denial about my addiction, I was years away from being free.
You are so enlightened Kev. I know you want to go out and listen to loud music but I'm not sure that's the right place for you tonight. If there's even the slightest chance of it all going wrong and you waking up hungover tomorrow, I really think you should stay in tonight and wait for your friend to call. And post here. We're all here for you Kev xxxx
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