Class of April 2015 Part 11
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Originally Posted by stargazer016 
How are you making out Inc?
I hope you're all doing well and gearing up for the frantic holiday season is good fashion!
Tonight I'm going to play my first (and possibly last depending on how it goes) show with the band since getting sober 20 months ago. I'm feeling a bit apathetic this morning. Maybe not allowing myself to be excited about it in case it nose dives!
Anyway, will keep you all in he loop. Looking forward to hearing your news. Hope you are well Inc!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
I've been stealing at my new job. Can you believe it? Well... Believe it. It's really hard to explain why. I cannot put a finger on it. It's like I have an alter ego. I think I'm trying to sabotage myself again.
Well, I almost got busted last week. There's still a chance they may be reviewing videos and building a case, but I've had some clues that I may be in the clear.
Needless to say, I just about had a complete nervous breakdown this week. I looked back at all the stuff I was selling and realized they could build a felony case.
I was, and possibly am, on my way to a new bottom. One where I would be hauled off in cuffs, jailed, and unable to post bond. I might have avoided a jail sentence. It would have been a minor felony...first time offense.
I would have possibly been kicked out onto the streets and forced to ask my 68yr old mother of I could live with her.
There was even a day when I was exploring how I could kill myself if such an event were to happen.
Needless to say, my kratom use jumped. As did anti-anxiety drugs like phenibut potentiated with Gabapentin. Believe it or not, I haven't had a drink. Doesn't matter much though. I am anything but sober and living a clean life at the moment.
I honestly have no idea why I haven't turned to the bottle. I mean I am able to connect drug use with alcohol. I understand that abuse will lead to bad places no matter what the DOC is. I guess I had successfully associated so much negativity to alcohol, that I fear it.
That fear is something I need to use to my favor. I want to associate the same feelings for all mood altering substances. After this scare, I think I'm on the right path. After I go through withdrawal and PAWS, I hope to out the final nail in that coffin.
I had stumbled on some info when I was asking Dr. GOOGLE about my compulsion. I mean really... How in the world can I put myself in such a situation while not even thinking through the repercussions?
I read about Impulse Control Disorder. It's a symptom from Dopamjne agonist meds. Happens to people who take meds for parkinsons. Too much Dopamine, and people gamble, steal, and do other risky behaviors.
Well, kratom is a dopamine agonist, AND I was taking wellbutrin. I had managed to put myself into a horrible place with drug abuse. Again.
Today, I can report that I am relatively back to normal. Still using kratom, stopped wellbutrin for now. I was not taking it regularly anyway, so no harm in stopping.
I want to get to a place where I am not taking anything at all, including anti depression meds.
2017 is going to be that year. I'll have withdrawals, PAWS, and all that fun stuff to go through again.
I will need the support of my fiance and I will need a therapist to help me. This time, I am going to use an addiction therapist.
Something I've done in the past is lie to Psychiatrists to obtain drugs. I've never told them I have an addiction problem. Otherwise, they would not give me what I was trying to obtain.
Man... What a mess. Thank God I came to my senses. It took a close call to get there. An event that made me play in my mind the sequence of events that was about to go down.
I don't know how many chances God is going to give me to get on the straight and narrow.
The first step is going to be admitting everything to my fiance. She is going to **** her pants for sure. She won't understand how I could steal from this job that I so desperately need. Neither do I. Best I'll be able to do is explain how drugs change my mindset and ability to reason.
She won't understand why I always seek drugs to alter my mood. Well, neither do I. This is why I need a good therapist. There are issues that I need to resolve. Some I know, others I don't.
But if she knows what's really going on, then she'll understand why I need therapy. She'll understand why I will be sick for a while. She'll understand the importance of exercise and diet for me. Ultimately, she will make sure I follow through with therapy and keep it going.
I also want to find a couple decent NA meetings. Somewhere I can meet a couple locals to lean on. When I come clean with my fiance, she'll understand the value of NA.
Man. Can you guys believe it? I'm honestly not surprised at all. The bottom line is, I need a multi tier approach. I need to go all in. It's like having an infection. I can't stop taking antibiotics as soon as I feel better.
Well, I almost got busted last week. There's still a chance they may be reviewing videos and building a case, but I've had some clues that I may be in the clear.
Needless to say, I just about had a complete nervous breakdown this week. I looked back at all the stuff I was selling and realized they could build a felony case.
I was, and possibly am, on my way to a new bottom. One where I would be hauled off in cuffs, jailed, and unable to post bond. I might have avoided a jail sentence. It would have been a minor felony...first time offense.
I would have possibly been kicked out onto the streets and forced to ask my 68yr old mother of I could live with her.
There was even a day when I was exploring how I could kill myself if such an event were to happen.
Needless to say, my kratom use jumped. As did anti-anxiety drugs like phenibut potentiated with Gabapentin. Believe it or not, I haven't had a drink. Doesn't matter much though. I am anything but sober and living a clean life at the moment.
I honestly have no idea why I haven't turned to the bottle. I mean I am able to connect drug use with alcohol. I understand that abuse will lead to bad places no matter what the DOC is. I guess I had successfully associated so much negativity to alcohol, that I fear it.
That fear is something I need to use to my favor. I want to associate the same feelings for all mood altering substances. After this scare, I think I'm on the right path. After I go through withdrawal and PAWS, I hope to out the final nail in that coffin.
I had stumbled on some info when I was asking Dr. GOOGLE about my compulsion. I mean really... How in the world can I put myself in such a situation while not even thinking through the repercussions?
I read about Impulse Control Disorder. It's a symptom from Dopamjne agonist meds. Happens to people who take meds for parkinsons. Too much Dopamine, and people gamble, steal, and do other risky behaviors.
Well, kratom is a dopamine agonist, AND I was taking wellbutrin. I had managed to put myself into a horrible place with drug abuse. Again.
Today, I can report that I am relatively back to normal. Still using kratom, stopped wellbutrin for now. I was not taking it regularly anyway, so no harm in stopping.
I want to get to a place where I am not taking anything at all, including anti depression meds.
2017 is going to be that year. I'll have withdrawals, PAWS, and all that fun stuff to go through again.
I will need the support of my fiance and I will need a therapist to help me. This time, I am going to use an addiction therapist.
Something I've done in the past is lie to Psychiatrists to obtain drugs. I've never told them I have an addiction problem. Otherwise, they would not give me what I was trying to obtain.
Man... What a mess. Thank God I came to my senses. It took a close call to get there. An event that made me play in my mind the sequence of events that was about to go down.
I don't know how many chances God is going to give me to get on the straight and narrow.
The first step is going to be admitting everything to my fiance. She is going to **** her pants for sure. She won't understand how I could steal from this job that I so desperately need. Neither do I. Best I'll be able to do is explain how drugs change my mindset and ability to reason.
She won't understand why I always seek drugs to alter my mood. Well, neither do I. This is why I need a good therapist. There are issues that I need to resolve. Some I know, others I don't.
But if she knows what's really going on, then she'll understand why I need therapy. She'll understand why I will be sick for a while. She'll understand the importance of exercise and diet for me. Ultimately, she will make sure I follow through with therapy and keep it going.
I also want to find a couple decent NA meetings. Somewhere I can meet a couple locals to lean on. When I come clean with my fiance, she'll understand the value of NA.
Man. Can you guys believe it? I'm honestly not surprised at all. The bottom line is, I need a multi tier approach. I need to go all in. It's like having an infection. I can't stop taking antibiotics as soon as I feel better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Inc, thanks for bringing us up to speed here. I am glad you are able to be honest with yourself. I think you are right that you need to share this with someone like your fiance. Apart from a trouble shared being a trouble halved, it is important to have someone in the loop who is going to hold you to account. I also think you are wise to be seeking the help of a therapist as you may not be able to get through this without professional support.
In the early days you talked a lot about a kind of technique you could meditate with (NLP?) in which you visualised yourself in situations with successful outcomes. I did a bit of that and it helped me at times. Could you not backtrack and recover some of the strategies that have served you well in the past. I would also recommend, for your own peace of mind, trying to find a way to return what you took from your place of work. I am not judging you, and believe me, I've done plenty of stuff I'm not proud of. I just feel you may feel better with yourself if you were able to do that. If you can't do it immediately, maybe you could set it as a goal?
I don't know, man. I wish there was something more I could do to help you. Just know that we are here for you as always. Take care.
In the early days you talked a lot about a kind of technique you could meditate with (NLP?) in which you visualised yourself in situations with successful outcomes. I did a bit of that and it helped me at times. Could you not backtrack and recover some of the strategies that have served you well in the past. I would also recommend, for your own peace of mind, trying to find a way to return what you took from your place of work. I am not judging you, and believe me, I've done plenty of stuff I'm not proud of. I just feel you may feel better with yourself if you were able to do that. If you can't do it immediately, maybe you could set it as a goal?
I don't know, man. I wish there was something more I could do to help you. Just know that we are here for you as always. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Thank you Amp. Don't worry. Just offering an ear and understanding what's going on is the biggest support I can ask for.
I feel "normal" here. I feel as though I can be fixed. I have hope. And that's only because I have a place to "talk" out loud and be heard from others who understand.
There's nothing logical about addiction. Its very difficult for somebody who hasn't experienced it to understand the reasons for our actions. They are so far out of the norm, they simply cannot be understood.
You understand. And I appreciate that. Best yet, you have faith in me. I have faith in myself. That alone is comforting and energizing.
I feel "normal" here. I feel as though I can be fixed. I have hope. And that's only because I have a place to "talk" out loud and be heard from others who understand.
There's nothing logical about addiction. Its very difficult for somebody who hasn't experienced it to understand the reasons for our actions. They are so far out of the norm, they simply cannot be understood.
You understand. And I appreciate that. Best yet, you have faith in me. I have faith in myself. That alone is comforting and energizing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Originally Posted by Incontrol15
Thank you Amp. Don't worry. Just offering an ear and understanding what's going on is the biggest support I can ask for.
I feel "normal" here. I feel as though I can be fixed. I have hope. And that's only because I have a place to "talk" out loud and be heard from others who understand.
There's nothing logical about addiction. Its very difficult for somebody who hasn't experienced it to understand the reasons for our actions. They are so far out of the norm, they simply cannot be understood.
You understand. And I appreciate that. Best yet, you have faith in me. I have faith in myself. That alone is comforting and energizing.
I feel "normal" here. I feel as though I can be fixed. I have hope. And that's only because I have a place to "talk" out loud and be heard from others who understand.
There's nothing logical about addiction. Its very difficult for somebody who hasn't experienced it to understand the reasons for our actions. They are so far out of the norm, they simply cannot be understood.
You understand. And I appreciate that. Best yet, you have faith in me. I have faith in myself. That alone is comforting and energizing.
Take care
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I can believe Inc. I had a very durable addiction that manifested itself in several different ways. The only way for me to beat it was to stop all my maladaptive behaviours.
thats awesome - but don't slacken off before then - keep fighting Inc, right over Xmas.
D
I want to get to a place where I am not taking anything at all, including anti depression meds. 2017 is going to be that year. I'll have withdrawals, PAWS, and all that fun stuff to go through again.
D
Last edited by Dee74; 12-17-2016 at 10:30 PM.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Inc...
I want to yell a bunch of four letter words at you on one hand, and give you a big hug on the other. I am not going to sugar coat things.
No one has worked as hard as you have to get to this point. You put in many months at a dead end job to build a resume. You and your fiance are house shopping. You are making money and digging out. And now this?
You definitely need an addiction therapist. Obviously, any DOC you choose ends poorly for you and you just can't seem to not pick up whatever bright shiny thing falls in front of you.
I hope and pray that you and a therapist can dig down deep and figure out why you have such a self destructive bend. It seems as though you are intentionally going out of your way to self sabotage your life. You are stealing defeat from the jaws of victory.
Look your fiance in the eyes. Do you want to spend the rest of your lives together? Look at your boys. Do you ever want to hug them again? It's going to be difficult if you continue down this road...
You are talking the good talk. Now are you going to walk the walk? I was always full of self talk each morning about how I wasn't going to drink much that day, only to end up drunk every night. Reality is a pain in the butt.
Inc, I feel that you have a very narrow window to pull yourself out of this before you hit rock bottom again. You , and all of us here, survived the first rock bottom landing. I don't know if any of us have another rock bottom left in us. I sure as heck don't want to find out. I know you don't want to find out either.
This group has been through and shared a lot.
We all are pulling for you and are here to help you if we can. You are standing at the edge of the precipice. The decision is yours...
I love ya like a brother, man! Rootin for you with all my heart and soul!
I want to yell a bunch of four letter words at you on one hand, and give you a big hug on the other. I am not going to sugar coat things.
No one has worked as hard as you have to get to this point. You put in many months at a dead end job to build a resume. You and your fiance are house shopping. You are making money and digging out. And now this?
You definitely need an addiction therapist. Obviously, any DOC you choose ends poorly for you and you just can't seem to not pick up whatever bright shiny thing falls in front of you.
I hope and pray that you and a therapist can dig down deep and figure out why you have such a self destructive bend. It seems as though you are intentionally going out of your way to self sabotage your life. You are stealing defeat from the jaws of victory.
Look your fiance in the eyes. Do you want to spend the rest of your lives together? Look at your boys. Do you ever want to hug them again? It's going to be difficult if you continue down this road...
You are talking the good talk. Now are you going to walk the walk? I was always full of self talk each morning about how I wasn't going to drink much that day, only to end up drunk every night. Reality is a pain in the butt.
Inc, I feel that you have a very narrow window to pull yourself out of this before you hit rock bottom again. You , and all of us here, survived the first rock bottom landing. I don't know if any of us have another rock bottom left in us. I sure as heck don't want to find out. I know you don't want to find out either.
This group has been through and shared a lot.
We all are pulling for you and are here to help you if we can. You are standing at the edge of the precipice. The decision is yours...
I love ya like a brother, man! Rootin for you with all my heart and soul!
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,181
Originally Posted by amp123
Tonight I'm going to play my first (and possibly last depending on how it goes) show with the band since getting sober 20 months ago. I'm feeling a bit apathetic this morning. Maybe not allowing myself to be excited about it in case it nose dive!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 2,412
Thanks SG. I needed that.
I hear ya loud and clear. Very frustrating. It's definitely self sabotage. It's no coincidence that this behavior coincides with repetative depressive thoughts about leaving my boys.
A few days ago, I learned my youngest son took a suicidal tendency test at school and failed it. Stuff like that weighs heavily on me as I blame myself. Somehow I need to get over that. Weighs too much.
I've been shopping for a psychologist when I can. Haven't found anyone that I can relate to. Yeah... I know... I'm judging the book by its cover. I've made a commitment to myself that I will set an appointment for January this coming week at the same place I went to for low income. I can always continue to shop. I have so much low hanging fruit to address, anyone with formal training should be able to at least move the bar.
I'm feeling confident and eager. It's as though I've given up and let myself slip into a dark mental place. It's not so dark now. I'm focused on improving and the future instead of regret or the past. I know this feeling. It's a very good sign. But I also know that it's temporary. These feelings of regret will return since I haven't dealt with them. I've only managed to put them aside for now.
I hear ya loud and clear. Very frustrating. It's definitely self sabotage. It's no coincidence that this behavior coincides with repetative depressive thoughts about leaving my boys.
A few days ago, I learned my youngest son took a suicidal tendency test at school and failed it. Stuff like that weighs heavily on me as I blame myself. Somehow I need to get over that. Weighs too much.
I've been shopping for a psychologist when I can. Haven't found anyone that I can relate to. Yeah... I know... I'm judging the book by its cover. I've made a commitment to myself that I will set an appointment for January this coming week at the same place I went to for low income. I can always continue to shop. I have so much low hanging fruit to address, anyone with formal training should be able to at least move the bar.
I'm feeling confident and eager. It's as though I've given up and let myself slip into a dark mental place. It's not so dark now. I'm focused on improving and the future instead of regret or the past. I know this feeling. It's a very good sign. But I also know that it's temporary. These feelings of regret will return since I haven't dealt with them. I've only managed to put them aside for now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Well, you know Inc, you can regret forever but you only live once. When you forgive yourself is when you'll move on and when you believe in yourself your boys will believe in you too. You can become the rock they need at this stage in their journey. I believe in you. We all do, but that's not quite enough because you have to believe in yourself. We see miracles and car crashes every day on this site but essentially the power is in YOUR HANDS to decide which one you become. I don't pray but I do think about you and wish you and your family all the best in the world.
Speaking or miracles, I played a live show again last night and loved it. I had expected to be nervous but I was just cool with it. A lot of people at the venue were really wasted but that didn't faze me, even when a fight broke out in the front row! It was a crazy kind of a night because there were a lot of stragglers from office parties turning up who'd been drinking all day.
Anyway, the show was amazing. Sound was good, venue was packed, the band was tight and I felt amazingly connected with both the band and the crowd. It was much better than when I used to either be half wasted or craving a drink. I felt totally plugged in and aware and there seemed to be more time to do things and get it right.
It seems obvious now that it is easier to do a complicated thing like remember song lyrics, play guitar, use effect pedals and make an emotional connection with the audience and synergise with the band while you are sober than if you are wasted, but I honestly didn't believe that until now. What a clod!
Sobriety has given me so much.
Take care all!
Speaking or miracles, I played a live show again last night and loved it. I had expected to be nervous but I was just cool with it. A lot of people at the venue were really wasted but that didn't faze me, even when a fight broke out in the front row! It was a crazy kind of a night because there were a lot of stragglers from office parties turning up who'd been drinking all day.
Anyway, the show was amazing. Sound was good, venue was packed, the band was tight and I felt amazingly connected with both the band and the crowd. It was much better than when I used to either be half wasted or craving a drink. I felt totally plugged in and aware and there seemed to be more time to do things and get it right.
It seems obvious now that it is easier to do a complicated thing like remember song lyrics, play guitar, use effect pedals and make an emotional connection with the audience and synergise with the band while you are sober than if you are wasted, but I honestly didn't believe that until now. What a clod!
Sobriety has given me so much.
Take care all!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
A cool thing just happened. One thing I talked about with the band last night was about maybe making an album with some fresh material. I made a song scrap book when I gave up drinking and I've been uploading songs there now and again ever since. I also kept some on an old SoundCloud account which I revisited today to see if there was any material that might stand out for a record.
I found this song called April which I'd forgotten all about. I must have been 2 or 3 months sober when I wrote it and it's about our April 2015 group! It's written a bit cryptically as if April were a girl's name because at that time I wasn't ready to be too open about what was going on with me but it was so cool to find it. It really reminded me how tough those first months were. This April group saw me through for sure! Thanks to all you guys and so many who I like to think may stop by and just read sometimes like Zab or Canguy... Anyway. Here's that track:
Listen to April by The Documents Music #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/the-documents-music/april
I found this song called April which I'd forgotten all about. I must have been 2 or 3 months sober when I wrote it and it's about our April 2015 group! It's written a bit cryptically as if April were a girl's name because at that time I wasn't ready to be too open about what was going on with me but it was so cool to find it. It really reminded me how tough those first months were. This April group saw me through for sure! Thanks to all you guys and so many who I like to think may stop by and just read sometimes like Zab or Canguy... Anyway. Here's that track:
Listen to April by The Documents Music #np on #SoundCloud
https://soundcloud.com/the-documents-music/april
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Originally Posted by stargazer016
I'm glad the gig went well Amp and that you are considering an album! I love April also. I love your line above about "Miracles and Car Crashes." I think that could be a song!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
wow Amp! I loved April. Brings back memories for sure. I am so grateful for all of you, because without you all, I would not be the person I am today.
I am back in Puerto Vallarta for Christmas. This year I am healthier, happier and am able to enjoy every second with out fear.
Amp, that song is a hit for sure.
Inc, hang in there bud.
SG, thanks for being the constant in this thread!
I really miss OMD.
Chat soon xo
I am back in Puerto Vallarta for Christmas. This year I am healthier, happier and am able to enjoy every second with out fear.
Amp, that song is a hit for sure.
Inc, hang in there bud.
SG, thanks for being the constant in this thread!
I really miss OMD.
Chat soon xo
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