amp123

Hey guys! Still playing with the band. There is a show in a month so we need to pull it together now. We only rehearse once a week for a few hours but that's enough for me. I'm not going to be a perfectionist about this show. Just bang out some tunes in a heartfelt way and try to enjoy it!

It feels weird to be playing again but on balance I'm enjoying it. Being at the heart of a musical group is an amazing experience energy-wise. I was only going to play acoustic guitar for this show but the other guitar player is having trouble with some of the electric parts so for the last few songs I'm going to dust off my Stratocaster and rock it a bit. I think it will be fun!

amp123

So this is the venuueI'll be going back to sober for the first time:

https://www.youtube.com/shared?ci=khWsn6JchbM

This was one of the last gigs I played. Notice the "trade mark" drink holder attached to my mic stand. I would be really loaded sometimes at shows. I'd make a lot of mistakes but I kind of made up for it with showmanship, jumping down into the audience and singing with the people like in this clip. What makes me nervous is that I doubt I'll be able to or want to recreate this kind of spectacle.

Well... As they say in this game "it'll be alright on the night!". Hope so anyway...or it may just be the one gig!

stargazer016

Awesome clip Amp!

I think that you might surprise yourself in how much fun you will have once you are back on stage. I appreciate almost everything in my life so much more now that I am not drinking. So many little things in life make me happy now that I never noticed before. I can enjoy going out and seeing music now just as much not drinking as I did when pounding down booze. I just won't dance now, thank goodness!

Cauliflower

Wow! Thanks for Sharing Amp!
When we go back to being ourselves, but of course, our sober selves, it's quite an phenominal experience. Music is in your blood. You did what you had to do to save your life, now, you can enjoy your life with music.

I also listened to Sing Your Own Song. Wow.

We are experiencing an above average November. No snow yet, and the lake is wide open and beautiful. It still takes my breath away daily after all these years. I love my lake!

I just may check out the One year and over club soon. Just thought I'd pop in say hi!

amp123

Hey Cauliflower! Sing Your Own Song was one of my favourites. We were doing a big show for a record launch and we invited a lot of band members past and present as we had decided to do a finale all together. I wanted to write an appropriate song with a simple structure that would be easy for everyone to learn.

It was a great success but we only ever played it the once! Really glad that show was being recorded.

I don't think a lot about drinking these days. I'm reading a book by Amy Liptrot at the moment called The Outrun. It is all about giving up drinking. The protagonist is from a small island in the North of Scotland and goes back home to sober up after rehab in London. Her life is really different to mine but I see so many similarities with my own experience. I think we have all been through a very similar process but to find it documented here so well really brings home how hard it can be.

I would recommend it but it can be quite full on. You need to be ready for it! I wish I'd read it after 3 months or so to give me a head's up about what was in store!

Anyway, hope you guys all have a great weekend!

stargazer016

I also don't think much about actually drinking anymore. I have read several books about addiction, trying to understand how alcohol became the number one priority in my life over the years. In a small way, it is comforting to read that we were not the only people who fell down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. There is nothing rational about drinking. It was disturbing to me how in that I always viewed myself as a rational being, yet could not engaging in such a self destructive behavior daily.

Thanksgiving week approaches here in the US. This is my busiest week of the year at my job. So glad that I am not drinking!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Cauliflower

Happy Thanksgiving this week SG! The American Thanksgiving is a big deal, almost bigger than Christmas. We ate our Turkey last month.

I am flying to Vancouver for my business for our companies first ever Recognition Gala this weekend. I promoted a few times, so hoping I will walk across the stage for a photo op with our darn tootin-cute founder! This is a chance to celebrate with our team, and some are planning a pre-party to the Gala dinner in one of the hotel rooms. I'm prepared to tell them that I would prefer it not happening in my room. It's hard to explain to drinkers that we end up having nothing in common after a few drinks.

These days, I feel more confident in my sobriety. I don't think about drinking at all and I don't miss it on stinking bit. I have moved beyond that thinking, and am now working on seeing how far my wings will take me!

Take care,
Chat soon!

stargazer016

Thanks Cauli!

Thanksgiving Day is one of my favorites during the year. Good food and family!

Congrats on heading out to Vancouver. I was always one looking to pre-game before these kind of work events. Funny how different things look from the other side of the fence now. I certainly feel that you do not need to have your room become party central. You can also inadvertently get tarred with that brush if someone makes a drunken fool of themselves later or causes damage to the hotel. " Yep, these ladies were drinking in Cauli's room before the event." Maybe I am just overthinking things.

It is so wonderful seeing how positive you are now!

stargazer016

Bonus day off today due to the holiday. Got a lot of grocery shopping and laundry to do before my family returns from their Florida vacation.

Sober Thanksgiving, round 2, went well. My Dad even picked up a sixer of NA beer. Finally, he realizes that I am not going to be drinking anymore.

It was good spending time with my parents, whom are in their 80's now, on the Thanksgiving holiday. I feel guilty that I don't see them as much as I should, between my crazy retail schedule and my own family's time demands. I imagine that they probably felt the same way while they were raising my sister and I. I hope they understand.

Very thankful to continue living a sober life and getting this second chance to make something of myself as a parent, friend and coworker. Thankful for everyone on this thread whom have kept me sober in the neighborhood of 600 days. I know that I would not have been able to do it without the support from each of you.

Have a great day all!

SwimKim12

Hi All! Glad to see the group still here and doing well Amp, that was a neat clip - thank you for sharing. I think you're right, it will be a different experience playing sober; you will be more present, but I think you will really enjoy it since it is something you love doing. Cauli, enjoy the work celebration! And SG, Happy belated Thanksgiving. I'm glad you had a great time with your family. Mine was nice as well. Lots (but not too much!) good food and good times with some extended family. Now just relaxing the rest of the weekend.

I don't check into SR very often, but today is a very special day because I am one year sober. I am very active in AA and that has been a wonderful thing for me, but you all are a special part of my sobriety journey and I just want you to know how thankful I am that you were always there to support me. So thank you for being here and congratulations to you all as well on your continued sobriety

stargazer016

Congrats on one year Kim! That is totally amazing!!

I was wondering how you were doing and hadn't seen you on your Nov thread in a while.

You really have made tremendous progress from when I first met you here. I am glad that you have found AA to be what you need to keep you on the sober path!

Congrats again and thanks so much for dropping in!

stargazer016

Cauli, is today the Grey Cup? Are you rooting for Calgary or are they a hated rival of yours?

Have a great day everyone!

stargazer016

Inc, how ya doing buddy? We haven't seen you for a couple of weeks.

Hope all is well with everyone!

Incontrol15

OMG...
Can't believe it's been a couple weeks since I posted last. Man...I missed so much too.

I am so thrilled to see Amp firing up with the band again! That is so cool! Good for you brother.

Guys...
I regret to inform that I have a new addiction to report. I've been living a lie now for honestly IDK how long. Several months for sure.

I've been using Kratom. This is a crushed plant leaf that can be made into a tea, or toss and wash it. It has similar effects as a mild opiate.

My use is to the point now where I have withdrawals when I stop. It's been increasing over time as my tolerance builds. At first, it cured depression. Now I go into depression as soon as doses wear off.

SG referenced the rabbit hole. Well...thats where I am. I'm deep in the hole.

I've been trying to quit it for the past 3 months or so by tapering. I had managed to reduce my daily dose from around 18g to 4g about 3months ago. It took a lot of work to get there. Then I blew it on a weekend that I saw my boys.

It took a month before I could begin my taper again. My use had Sky rocketed. You know the story. It's all the same ********.

Well, I started a new taper regiment and was doing good until one day I was off. Kratom hits the dopamine receptors and as a result, I get more done when I use it. I wanted to do a lot on this day off, and my taper had me a bit depressed. So I uped my dose just for that one day.

Well, that was a week ago. I've been trying to get back on my taper ever since. Last time this happened, it took a month. Today starts a new regiment.

I am an addict. I am a liar. I am sorry for who I've become. I feel like such a piece of crap. So incredibly selfish.

I love you guys. I really do. I'm sorry I did not let you guys know what was going on earlier. I was too embarrassed of what I've done to admit it to anyone I care for until now.

I wish I could quit this cold turkey. Just can't do it though. I would need a week off work for withdrawals. The worst of it includes kick ass lethargy. To the point where getting out of bed to go to the bathroom is excruciating.

I need to taper to a lower dose then jump off from there. This time I'm thinking of jumping when I get down to 4grams. I feel as though I need to suffer some and push through a day of withdrawal so I can push forward. Play the "I made it this far" card.

Sometimes I want to cry and feel completely out of control. Other times, I'm able to forgive myself and move on with a taper plan. The worst I feel about myself, the more I take.

This has to end now. I need to forgive myself so I can move on. I want to be Incontrol again. I love that person.

I have a couple hours before I go to work. I'm going to use this time to have a long talk with myself. My goal here is to forgive myself and let Incontrol take the reigns again.

stargazer016

Sorry to hear about your renewed struggles with addiction Inc. I was worried that something was amiss with your being awol here for awhile.

I never even heard of kratom before your mention here. Apparently, there is a huge chance for addiction with this, especially since we don't know how to moderate with anything in our lives.

Obviously, this is a bad time to have to deal with this for you. Not that there is ever a good time to deal with addiction. I know you don't want to screw up your new job like you have previously detailed to us many times with other jobs. I don't know if you can taper for a month and then ask for a personal leave for a week in January to come clean? Tell your employer that you have an unexpected family emergency maybe?

As we all know, the hardest first step in overcoming addiction is first admitting that we are an addict. You have taken that step, which is a positive . There seems to be some threads here dealing with kratom on SR. Maybe Dee can provide a link or two for you.

I feel your pain and the disappointment and frustration in your voice that you let yourself slip down the rabbit hole again. Inc, you have shown yourself to be tough, resourceful and humble, all characteristics that you will need once again to overcome this. I know that you will be able to conquer this, like you have previous addictions. You are a fighter and you have seen the great things that sobriety has brought to your life.

Please don't isolate yourself. That certainly didn't work out well with alcohol. Hopefully, we can help you get your life back Incontrol again!

Dee74

Hi Inc

I have no experience with it myself but it's definitely caused problems for others - use the search function and you'll find a thread or two, especially in the Substance Abuse forum.

Don't be deceived - this is the same demon that tried to kill you before - it's just wearing different clothes.

You need to fight it like you fought it before...and then some...to make sure it won't re-appear through another back door.

Rooting for you Inc

D

Incontrol15

Yeah.. It's the same demon alright. Not nearly as destructive yet. No real negatives other than wasting money and low libido. Oh... And lying to myself and everyone I love is a big one. It's killing me from the inside.

I'll get through this. I have no doubt about it. I'm disappointed in myself for even trying something that would make me feel better, when I KNOW there are no short cuts.

I have deep rooted issues stemming from my divorce I need to address. During my taper from kratom, depression would set it. And each time I find myself replaying the night I walked out on my family. Suit cases in hand. My two boys and my ex wife together in the family room. Over and over again. For hours at a time. And the only thing I'm able to do is bury it for later.

It's a hell, but a blessing too as my issues have been revealed to me. Pretty much opened the book, hi-lited, and underlined for me. I haven't forgiven myself yet.

Dee74

yeah 'It' wants you to downplay it.
Notice you said yet? Your inner addict wants to keep playing.

I understand about divorce and loss and sadness and guilt and self hatred - but Kratom is just as ineffectual as alcohol in really dealing with all that.

It just pushes it aside for a while - if you're lucky....

it always comes back.

This is an oldie - april 2015 - thought it might help motivate you


D

Cauliflower

In Control. I like that guy too. I would say stuff the friggen job and put your health in order. Your life is at stake Inc., we need you here. I'm so sorry you have been going through this all by yourself, please don't suffer in silence. Do
what ever it takes to beat this new addiction, you know you can do it.
Post everyday. Go back and read all your posts again. You did it once, you can do it again!

SwimKim! So awesome to hear from you! YOU are amazing. One year feels good, doesn't it?!

The grey cup was this past sunday. My husband took our son with him to Toronto while I went to Vancouver, and they had a blast! I didn't get a chance to watch, but I was rooting for Ottawa, and they won!

amp123

Inc, so sorry. I've been snowed under at work for a few days and been a little disconnected.

Thanks for letting us know what's going on. That must mean that you're ready to face this. It's not the time to be hard on yourself, it's the time to be strong and you, my friend, are a very strong man. Look at the way you have fought back to reclaim your life in the face of adversity, time and time again. When it has been at its worst you have still found the time to reach out to other who are struggling. It is time to take a new determination and beat this monster back again.

Please stay close. This group is, without a doubt, greater than the sum of its parts!