KeyofC

Thanks Shab

tokidoki

Hi Julyers,

Just checking in. All is fine here.

Key of C, please don't worry about the pissy attitude thing. I'm right there with you. Will keep this short, so Snarky Toki doesn't start doing a mini-rant.

Holds- I'm sending good vibes your way. You should be having your appt. about now if you're in the U.S. (?). I've gone through, as fantail put it "existential moments" quite a bit. The last time those moments hit me hard was shortly after my mom died... Don't have good advice for you about the anxiety, but do empathize. You are doing the absolute right thing by not drinking. I was not as smart as you.

The fall leaves are getting brighter daily. I hope tomorrow is a sunny day up here in the driftless zone.

Take care, everyone!

KeyofC

((Hug)) Toki!

Upwardspiral

Holds, I hope everything went well at the doctors. Anxiety can be so miserable. Sometimes a worry pops into my head and my stomach tightens up so fast I feel like I'm going to puke. What kind of survival mechanism is that?! Barf so you can run faster?
Hang in there everybody.

Dee74

I also hope things went well Holds

D

letitgo

Great job everyone. Just stick to the plan. Sorry to hear you had a panic attack holds. Those are horrible and tough to get through. Just ride the wave and they will go away. Stay busy and keep your mind off of it.

3 months now and it feels strange. Free beer at the hotel and i am really not tempted. My coworker almost didnt want to drink in front of me. He said and i quote " i cant turn down free booze." My Allan Carr sensor went ding ding ding. I couldn't before either but i really dont want a drink. I dont want a hangover or the numerous other drinks. I saw another guy outside the hotel smoking and drinking. I was the mirror image a few months ago. I felt bad for him. It sucks always using something to get rid of the withdrawal. Only it gets worse and keeps coming back.

Things are only impossible if we think they are.

Tooshabby

Good one, letitgo, so right :-)

I hope it went well too, Holds.

Lol, Upwards. Maybe the mechanism is designed so that our enemy skids on the puke(?)

Upwardspiral

!

KeyofC

Good for you Let!
Prayers for you Holds (hug)
Hump day...love the camel...don't forget to be awesome!

letitgo

Love your new pic Upwards.. the cat a
and rainbow. Did you use a special color setting?

toadie54

Still kicking along here in New Hampshire...been doing okay by myself...boredom has not caused me to just start again.

Some of the crowd shows up today, more tomorrow, then Friday the campground fills, 300 plus sites! We have around 11 sites in the safari field, our usual spot. Halloween is celebrated this weekend, a big deal here at this campground.

Hope everyone is staying on course, walking the line!

Holds1325

Thanks for all the positive vibes, means alot.

Upwards - yeah that is interesting! I get super nervous even if its because of something good and I want to throw up, how in the world is my body preparing for danger? Perhaps we can run better on an empty stomach????

Had my appointment yesterday, Doctor tried his best to convince me I'm okay, I wasn't convinced still. Said it wasn't necessary at this point to have an endoscopy because he's not seeing any danger signs, I have no pain, hes not feeling any masses in my abdomen and the bloodwork, ultrasound, and xrays came back okay, except I might have an h pylori infection so I was put on anti-biotics for 2 weeks to see if this all clears up. If it doesn't then they are going to consider the endoscopy.

He prescribed a different nausea med then Reglan because that can cause panic attacks I guess, great, good thing I never took that to begin with because I forgot about it. Yeah! I don't need a drug to give me those I do fine generating panic attacks on my own.

Near the end of the appointment the doctor gave me alots of advice on my anxiety and didn't recommend any medication for it nor ask about it which I thought was good because its my personal preference not to have meds at this point in time. He basically said, theres no magic pill to cure your anxiety/depression, although they can help. It all depends on how you think and how your mind processes information. I thought okay, been told that before, apparently I have faulty wiring, which I know to be true!

I woke up this morning severely nauseated and anxious. I keep having nightmares its driving me crazy. Last night I had a nightmare of being surrounded by wolves, I have those dreams all the time. Of course I woke up scared and couldn't get back to sleep for a long time, when I did, I woke up feeling hungover! Whats up with that??

Its like even though I know alcohol was a contributor to all this mess, my mind still wants it everyday. Last night after I finally got home, I looked at my wife and said, hmmm, relapse? My wife said NO and then why? I just keep feeling like nothings working. I never did drink though, I just ended up miserably going to sleep. Tried to cheer myself up with some homemade apple pie that we bought this past weekend but it only made me nauseated.

.....can I ever win?

fantail

Holds, glad to hear that the doctor thinks things are well but is still taking your concerns seriously. And good for you... you honestly sound like you're handling this as well as could possibly be expected. You're both admitting that it could just be panic/hypochondria, while also doing due diligence based on your experience and concern. Despite your overall nervousness, I'd call that a pretty even handed approach and one that many people couldn't manage!

As for the sleep... I was reading the other day about recovery and sleep, because I've been having plenty of trouble myself. One thing I found interesting was that a few studies seem to point to there being a subset amongst alcoholics who experience a prolonged period of REM disturbances after getting sober. I guess nearly everyone has sleep problems for the first couple months. But this specific group experiences REM earlier in the sleep cycle and then more frequently throughout sleep for many months after getting sober.

Two really interesting things to note were that in one study by 12 months this group was almost the same as normal sleepers, and by 21 months indistinguishable, so it is a temporary thing. The other is that this group has a higher risk of relapse, probably because they have to deal with the added stress of not sleeping properly.

So it seems that you and I and other disturbed sleepers just need to be extra vigilant, because that particular pay off might take a bit more time. I found that to be a big motivator... I've never made it to a year sober. And I don't feel like I've had a normal night's sleep just about ever. I can't wait to try it!

Holds1325

I really do hope its temporary fantail, the sleep part has the potential to mess up my day and by the time it starts getting dark and near that time, I get really antsy like, ugh I hope I don't have another nightmare.

I never made it a year sober, I think most I've made it once was 6 months when my first son was born. by that time I had only a year and a half of drinking so the withdrawals or whatever they were, were not bad at all, the worst I had was cravings.

Its interesting, when I would drink and I would take a couple days off for whatever reason, I never did have nightmares and I slept great, now I'm fortunate to get about 6 hours without waking up inbetween in a panic. It always subsides but the first thought that enters the mind is, THIS WILL NEVER END. It always does though so thats a little comforting at least.

I am on the verge of relapse if something doesn't give, and two weeks to wait for these antibiotics to do their job is going to take forever.

fantail

I know how you feel. I drank because of anxiety sleep problems. But even that deal with the devil didn't work out of course... Towards the end of my drinking I was having such terrible anxiety around my insomnia that sometimes the very first thing I thought when I woke up in the morning was "am I going to be able to sleep tonight?" It was terrible. I totally understand the "this will never end" feeling.

But don't relapse! Your brain is healing and you've worked damn hard for that healing. You've made it through so much to get here. Don't go back down the mountain.

Have you thought about anti-depressants? I'm on an SSRI and it's really helped control my physical symptoms of anxiety (as in, I'm still a worrier, but I don't get panicky anymore).

Also, have you spoken frankly to your doctor about how much you fear you might relapse? His or her recommendations should take into account the level of risk you're at right now.

letitgo

Step away from the thought of relapsing. I take lexapro and xanax and it has helped immensley with my anxiety. Also eating better, execerise reading and meditation. If medicine is a crutch so be it. I feel more positive with it.

Sure we all still have ****** days but not as bad as boozing again. You have do done so well Holds. Just 24 hours at a time. You will feel different and proud you didnt drink tomorrow. We all feel your pain. Just the av or jackass voice in head your head trying to sabatoge you. Tell him to f*** off

Tooshabby

Yes, please don't do it, Holds. It will only make the anxiety worse, not to mention all the other stuff that goes with drinking.

I think with anxiety it kind of gets out of control. (((Holds))), as difficult as it may be, try countenancing the idea that you are in fact fine physically. I mean really make an effort to repeatedly come back to that thought. As Fantail says, the doctors have been absolutely thorough. Remember too, that the fight/flight response associated with anxiety has an *enormous* impact upon the body - I don't mean in any threatening way, it is completely harmless - but it can cause all manner of physical symptoms as your body responds to it, nausea being one of them. It's quite astounding when you read a list of the physical symptoms of anxiety. It can't hurt you physically at all, but it sure can make you miserable and afraid. Keep coming back to that thought: "There is nothing physically wrong with me. These are just anxious thoughts." It takes a while to break the pattern. You have to be kind of tough with yourself at first.

The other thing that can be helpful is exercise. It helps you to validate in your own mind your body is strong and well. It doesn't have to be rigorous, you can start out gently. I'm glad you are sharing this with us because I know from the experiences of friends and family who have had health anxiety how awful it is, but equally, I know it can be beaten.

I can relate, Fantail. When I was in my teens I got to a point where I would worry during the day about sleeping that night. It was dreadful. I think it's easier to go without food than sleep. I'm still having to take phenergan quite often. I tried until 1.30 am last night to sleep 'au naturale' but ended up having to take half a pill. Good to hear about that research. It is encouraging, although I've always been an insomniac. Sigh.

Have a great time on Halloween, Toadie. That sounds like fun :-)

Letitgo....you sound like you're doing so well. Yay!

Holds1325

Alcohol keeps trying to get to me, mostly at times like this. Before I quit i had health scares all the time and thought, oh well who cares if I die, And moved on, never had any symptoms except some acid reflux occasionally and of course hangovers, but near the end of the night I felt normal I guess.

I think about my first days in sobriety and although it hasnt quite been 3 months, it seems like its been forever now.

The dreams are rough to deal with. I remember talking to my pastor about all this and he told me, "stop thinking about your dreams like they have some hidden meaning, theyre just dreams, they dont actually happen!" That helps but since they are occurring every single night almost, its hard not to think, "is something seriously wrong in my head??"

Oh well, work is a bother too. I work for a database doing data quality and its near our annual vendor audit, where the people that we pay to help us fundraise come in and report on our finances, revenue etc. all that boring stuff. Anyway i cannot for the life of me figure out why our report does not match up to this certain vendor for online revenue. Its driving me nuts! I realize that alot of my anxiety could have to do with my physical symptoms and the doctors have definitely said this as well.

i want to quit my job lol, my wife wont let me though, it pays too well. At a young age i already make more than most people do before the age of 40 around here.

My mind used to be my best attribute, now its my worst enemy!

Upwardspiral

Holds I'm sorry things are so rough for you. I firmly believe that if you push through you will find this is a phase of your early sobriety and it will end.

Letitgo, regarding my picture, I think I just messed around with the saturation and brightness after I took the photo. It is of my sweet kitty Sombrita after a storm rolled through. It was my first week sober and that day marked the end of my body detoxing and feeling awful. I can't believe it's been 2 1/2 months!

I've been having a lot of ups and downs too. Frustrated with my job and fearful I'll have to make a big change well before I have the all-important year of sobriety under my belt. I'm going to AA meetings every day now and finding it immensely helpful. When the promises are being read and they get to the part about how "we will not fear people or economic insecurity. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us..." it gives my heart a little relief to hear it.

Tooshabby

That's so great about the meetings, Upwards.

I'm amazed you took that pic yourself. I thought for sure it must have come from the net, it's so cool. Awww...little Sombrita. What a pretty little sweetie!