Class of May 2015 (Part 5)
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Thanks, Casey. It's a deal. I did bring it up with a psych I was seeing, but she sort of dismissed it and instead wanted to talk about my childhood. Never went back to her. Long story short, it was a very good friend, and mother figure for me that died in my arms, literally. She collapsed on me at a family church event and I watched her take her last breath. After screaming for someone to call 911 I wanted help to start CPR but the priest didn't want me to....said family didn't want it (one family member was hyperventilating and freaking out) Instead priest put holy water on her forehead in the sign of the cross. I was like, yeah, that's much better than CPR.
The paramedics came and eventually got heartbeat, but she was without oxygen for too long and spent 4 days on life support because same family member as above didn't want to shut it off.
I keep going back to it, reliving it, and pissed at myself for not doing chest compressions. The doctors say she needed defibrillator anyway, but I'm thinking if we had gotten some kind of circulation it would have given oxygen to her brain, right? Right?
I have dreams of her as like a walking vegetable, not quite all there. It was awful, and I just can't seem to shake the regret, the what ifs.......******. Thanks for listening.
The paramedics came and eventually got heartbeat, but she was without oxygen for too long and spent 4 days on life support because same family member as above didn't want to shut it off.
I keep going back to it, reliving it, and pissed at myself for not doing chest compressions. The doctors say she needed defibrillator anyway, but I'm thinking if we had gotten some kind of circulation it would have given oxygen to her brain, right? Right?
I have dreams of her as like a walking vegetable, not quite all there. It was awful, and I just can't seem to shake the regret, the what ifs.......******. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
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That is very traumatic and I can understand how it would be haunting. I hope getting it out here will help at least in a tiny way, but, yeah, maybe seeing a different grief or trauma counselor or someone similar might be of benefit to you. That's too bad your psychiatrist didn't want to focus on it. Doctors are (mostly) humans too and oftentimes have a tendency to focus on their own agendas/plans for us while not understanding how important something else is to us. Maybe someone different would be able to help you deal with this more.
I think you should forgive yourself for not performing CPR if the doctors are saying the defibrillator was necessary, etc., but I can certainly understand how that feeling of powerlessness and lack of control combined with the grief of someone you love passing and the horror of it happening right in front of you would be a source of much trauma. The detail with the priest putting holy water on her forehead while telling you not to do CPR is very haunting.
Very awful situation and I have nothing at all useful or helpful to say about it, but I'm sincerely sorry for your loss and I'm glad you trusted us enough to share it. I think that says a lot about your trust in this group and that's a good thing for your recovery. Hang in there, Ginamarie.
EDITED TO ADD: I will say this though--you say your drinking skyrocketed after this trauma. Do you think your departed friend/mother figure would want to see you living your life in a bottle? Instead of dwelling on her death, maybe you could shift some of the focus toward living a clean life in her honor. Just an idea that popped into my head. Once again, we're here for you, Gina, and thanks for sharing.
I think you should forgive yourself for not performing CPR if the doctors are saying the defibrillator was necessary, etc., but I can certainly understand how that feeling of powerlessness and lack of control combined with the grief of someone you love passing and the horror of it happening right in front of you would be a source of much trauma. The detail with the priest putting holy water on her forehead while telling you not to do CPR is very haunting.
Very awful situation and I have nothing at all useful or helpful to say about it, but I'm sincerely sorry for your loss and I'm glad you trusted us enough to share it. I think that says a lot about your trust in this group and that's a good thing for your recovery. Hang in there, Ginamarie.
EDITED TO ADD: I will say this though--you say your drinking skyrocketed after this trauma. Do you think your departed friend/mother figure would want to see you living your life in a bottle? Instead of dwelling on her death, maybe you could shift some of the focus toward living a clean life in her honor. Just an idea that popped into my head. Once again, we're here for you, Gina, and thanks for sharing.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 884
Gina, that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. Finding the right counselor can be challenging but worthwhile once you do. I really hope you can find peace and closure on this issue. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers if that's okay with you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,374
Gina, how horrible that was for you. Horrible to have to live with that memory and know it will always be with you. I'm an RN and I can tell you that CPR revives very few people. If she really needed to be shocked to get her heart into a rhythm that would circulate her blood, chest compressions couldn't have helped that. And without ventilation, even with a little bit of circulation that may have been possible with chest compressions, there would have been insufficient oxygen in her blood.
How old was she? What were her preexisting health conditions? I'm wondering why the priest said the family wouldn't want her to be revived. I know that this is something that fills you with sorrow and you feel like you should have done more for her, but I'm guessing she felt very fortunate to have passed over in your loving arms. May you find peace with this issue. God bless you, Gina.
How old was she? What were her preexisting health conditions? I'm wondering why the priest said the family wouldn't want her to be revived. I know that this is something that fills you with sorrow and you feel like you should have done more for her, but I'm guessing she felt very fortunate to have passed over in your loving arms. May you find peace with this issue. God bless you, Gina.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 216
Thanks everyone. Your posts really help.
Cissy, she was 79 and had a pace maker. Already had a heart condition. It wasn't that the family didn't want to revive her, there was one that was in denial about the whole thing and apparently when I yelled CPR he was saying, No, no. (because he was freaking out).....he later blamed himself and I told him it wouldn't have mattered.
And yeah, she was more of a mother to me than my own mom, hysterically funny, and she would be incredibly pissed at me....so I do think about that.
Thanks again everyone.....it does help to get it out there, say it out loud, as it were. And I'm so thankful to everyone here. You guys really truly help.
Cissy, she was 79 and had a pace maker. Already had a heart condition. It wasn't that the family didn't want to revive her, there was one that was in denial about the whole thing and apparently when I yelled CPR he was saying, No, no. (because he was freaking out).....he later blamed himself and I told him it wouldn't have mattered.
And yeah, she was more of a mother to me than my own mom, hysterically funny, and she would be incredibly pissed at me....so I do think about that.
Thanks again everyone.....it does help to get it out there, say it out loud, as it were. And I'm so thankful to everyone here. You guys really truly help.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by Ginamarie323 
And yeah, she was more of a mother to me than my own mom, hysterically funny, and she would be incredibly pissed at me....so I do think about that.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Don't you hate it when a therapist has their own agenda? I am soured on therapy so you'll have to excuse me. I'm never going to change my mind on that.
Gina, that's just awful that there was a communication issue at that exact moment when she collapsed. Not a good time to be misunderstood by saying "No, no!" But like I said, CPR is rarely effective. If she had a heart condition, maybe she would have benefited from not only having a pacemaker but the kind that gives the heart a jolt when it needs one.
Very sad but please do NOT think her passing was in any way something you did wrong. When it's time to go, we generally do.
Goodnight, everyone. (((((Hugs!!))))
Gina, that's just awful that there was a communication issue at that exact moment when she collapsed. Not a good time to be misunderstood by saying "No, no!" But like I said, CPR is rarely effective. If she had a heart condition, maybe she would have benefited from not only having a pacemaker but the kind that gives the heart a jolt when it needs one.
Very sad but please do NOT think her passing was in any way something you did wrong. When it's time to go, we generally do.
Goodnight, everyone. (((((Hugs!!))))
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,374
What I don't buy about therapy is you are full of all that you need to get off your shoulders. You walk into the office and you sit across from a perfect stranger. And you have to "bring them up to speed" on who you are, why you are who you are, and then extract valuable advice and information from them. That's exhausting! It's sometimes demoralizing and it often ends up that you're telling it all to the wrong person! Then you have to pack it up and go start over with someone else.
I find much more value in places like SR.
I find much more value in places like SR.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Starting day 38. Sleep was better but not perfect. Still woke up a couple of times between four and seven but nothing like the dozen or more wake ups I've had for the last few nights and I was able to immediately go back to sleep unlike the previous nights.
Off work today. Will probably go to the same Sunday noon AA meeting I went to last week. Other than that, no real plans.
AGAG -- congrats on a month and a half!
Wishing everyone a happy, joyous and free Sunday! If you haven't checked in lately, please do so. Even if you've been out drinking, we'd love to hear from you. No judgement here. We've all been there many times and are here to listen and possibly help.
Off work today. Will probably go to the same Sunday noon AA meeting I went to last week. Other than that, no real plans.
AGAG -- congrats on a month and a half!
Wishing everyone a happy, joyous and free Sunday! If you haven't checked in lately, please do so. Even if you've been out drinking, we'd love to hear from you. No judgement here. We've all been there many times and are here to listen and possibly help.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 174
Next chapter starts in a few hours (bed-time now) - going to go without any more than one cup of coffee in the morning, then next week go completely without.
That and the fact that I've got my workout levels toned down to a more reasonable level should mean I continue to feel less tired - and can enjoy my sobriety and clear-headedness even more. Especially if I keep to doing meditation every evening after work.
That and the fact that I've got my workout levels toned down to a more reasonable level should mean I continue to feel less tired - and can enjoy my sobriety and clear-headedness even more. Especially if I keep to doing meditation every evening after work.
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