Class of August 2013 - Part 12
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Kadidee....I am procrastinating on my workout so let me address your comment. I tried everything to drive straight through the mountain. I struggled, perhaps more than I let on sometimes. For me things did not change until 6/27. This coincided with a new emotion low. I am lucky I have remained sober the whole time but it has not been easy. I tried other programs, Rational Recovery, my self Will, even posts about my own program. Then using AA in my own way. None ever worked. The peace and serenity eluded me until I truly and finally accepted my situation and this took developing faith in a power greater than myself.
I would have laughed at the guy I have become this time last year. But I can't explain many things that have converged to lead me to where I am at, other than trying things that did not work and remaining open, honest and willing to try new things that I did not know.
I have a new sponsor and will be complete my steps in a few short weeks now. I cannot wait to pass this message onto others that suffer, as this has removed my desire to drink completely. I think this comes with true acceptance.
As Dee says, I have create a sober life that is completely different than my active life. I want this more than my active life and will fight with every once of my being to protect it. It was by no means easy to honestly get to this spot though.
I am happy to share any aspects but want to be considerate and not pushing what worked for me, as I realize it might it be for everyone.
Here is a summary of my program in the 12 step section if your interested. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anding-aa.html
I would have laughed at the guy I have become this time last year. But I can't explain many things that have converged to lead me to where I am at, other than trying things that did not work and remaining open, honest and willing to try new things that I did not know.
I have a new sponsor and will be complete my steps in a few short weeks now. I cannot wait to pass this message onto others that suffer, as this has removed my desire to drink completely. I think this comes with true acceptance.
As Dee says, I have create a sober life that is completely different than my active life. I want this more than my active life and will fight with every once of my being to protect it. It was by no means easy to honestly get to this spot though.
I am happy to share any aspects but want to be considerate and not pushing what worked for me, as I realize it might it be for everyone.
Here is a summary of my program in the 12 step section if your interested. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...anding-aa.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
JD, I feel strong in my sobriety and have no cravings to drink. I like living too much. I was talking about your resolve to stop smoking. Do you feel that your recovery program played a part in stopping cigarettes? I can definitely see how the two are interrelated as they are both addictions to a substance.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Kadi, I really admire your motivation on your house cleaning. you're really making great progress, and your plan for smoking is solid too. You recognized the need for further support and sought out the necessary resources. I on the other hand, am still plodding along with uncompleted projects from months ago, lol. I can't seem to get much done lately other than the basics and some good bike rides. No urge to drink, but not making much progress in other areas either.
I do spend a lot of time planning trips and adventures (that might or might not be realized), and I know it's a form of escapism, and avoidance - something I've had a problem with all my life, starting in childhood. I've also found myself being pulled toward some of the old dysfunctional dating and relationship patterns that feed my codependency.
Removing alcohol didn't do anything for these issues, if anything they are more active now that I'm not medicating myself. Fortunately, as a result of my 4th step work, and my psychologist, I'm starting to see these dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Ultimately, I'm convinced that resolving them, and finding a new direction in my life, will come from a spiritual solution like the 12 step program of AA. It certainly won't come from the same thinking patterns formed over 50 years ago in order to protect myself from a crazy and dysfunctional childhood.
I do spend a lot of time planning trips and adventures (that might or might not be realized), and I know it's a form of escapism, and avoidance - something I've had a problem with all my life, starting in childhood. I've also found myself being pulled toward some of the old dysfunctional dating and relationship patterns that feed my codependency.
Removing alcohol didn't do anything for these issues, if anything they are more active now that I'm not medicating myself. Fortunately, as a result of my 4th step work, and my psychologist, I'm starting to see these dysfunctional patterns of behavior. Ultimately, I'm convinced that resolving them, and finding a new direction in my life, will come from a spiritual solution like the 12 step program of AA. It certainly won't come from the same thinking patterns formed over 50 years ago in order to protect myself from a crazy and dysfunctional childhood.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by kadidee 
OL, your post reminded me how my hands used to shake too when holding a wine glass. I used to try to discreetly hold it with two hands to keep from shaking in public. I do not miss that one bit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Southern U.S.
Posts: 1,030
Advbike, my pattern has been typically to get overwhelmed by it all and so not start at all. One thing that helped me to get going is to say 'okay, I'm going to work on X part of the house for one hour'. Seeing the progress compels me to do more. I got rid of a bunch of clothes and getting that to Goodwill made me feel lighter. I also do this thing where I think I have to go in a certain order...like 'after this closet, then I'll do that drawer', but then I get a mental block about that drawer so don't do anything. Yesterday I did something different...instead of going in order I just started taking the curtains down on a whim and it propelled me into cleaning for four hours straight. My biggest problem has always been just getting started. It sounds like we both struggle with avoidance patterns. But realizing it is the first step. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Thanks Kadi. Yes, We do share some of these traits.. I get totally overwhelmed, and as a result I'm a big procrastinator. Sounds like you've figured a way around that, and you're having fun with it, and making good progress.. I appreciate the tips!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by kadidee
Advbike, my pattern has been typically to get overwhelmed by it all and so not start at all. One thing that helped me to get going is to say 'okay, I'm going to work on X part of the house for one hour'. Seeing the progress compels me to do more. I got rid of a bunch of clothes and getting that to Goodwill made me feel lighter. I also do this thing where I think I have to go in a certain order...like 'after this closet, then I'll do that drawer', but then I get a mental block about that drawer so don't do anything. Yesterday I did something different...instead of going in order I just started taking the curtains down on a whim and it propelled me into cleaning for four hours straight. My biggest problem has always been just getting started. It sounds like we both struggle with avoidance patterns. But realizing it is the first step.
Cocaine is what I found had the most power when using it. But I never had a drug dealer and only used it about a dozen times, never without booze. The alcohol has been my greatest struggle, although I feel the same pull towards bread, lol!
I felt the smokes in my lungs with my swimming. So it was easy to make the decision. After the first two weeks it was kicked. I am not trying to trivialize it either. My wife is struggling with the smokes now.
Advbike...AA did not work until I had a spiritual experience...now it feels amazing. I remained open and willing and things just clicked.
PM me anytime if you have questions...most relapse between 4th and 5th step. I should not take long and be done right after you honestly do your 3rd step. I was stuck on 4 for the longest time...I had a sponsor who did not understand it himself. He just relapsed himself. I am here if I can help, anytime.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Thanks JD. Might do that. It seems to be lot of work to do it right. Makes me laugh at some of the one page 4th step examples from the old days, lol. Actually some of them were pretty funny too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
image-4283142977.jpg
Here's a picture of a Lily in my garden. It is so pretty!
You would be proud of how I'm taking care of myself this weekend. I'm saying "no" when I need to and letting people look after themselves more. I feel pretty good about it. No body got upset or very upset and it's all good. Thanks for the support and the good advice.
Here's a picture of a Lily in my garden. It is so pretty!
You would be proud of how I'm taking care of myself this weekend. I'm saying "no" when I need to and letting people look after themselves more. I feel pretty good about it. No body got upset or very upset and it's all good. Thanks for the support and the good advice.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Hi, all --
I think I've described before how a variety of things were adding up in the months preceding my last drink -- how it became clear that I had no choice but to quit drinking. Embrace sobriety. Embark upon recovery. I've not shared all of them. Some postings from classmates during my vacation were particularly meaningful to me.
Oceanlady and Else both had observations about being a hostess and entertaining. I had reached the point where I didn't want company. Entertaining? Aside from a brunch here and there, nothing since the president's first inaugural in 2009. Big celebratory bash at my place. Followed, of course, by me getting wasted once the last guests left. By 2013, though, when friends asked about another party, the big lie I told them was that I was too busy at work. What I didn't tell people was that I was in the middle of the interview/preparation process that ultimately wound up in me getting a new job. The big lie I told myself was that process was keeping me too busy. But it's not that hard to throw a few Trader Joe's hors d'ouvres in the oven, chop up some veggies, make a cheese plate and serve up a bunch of booze and sodapop.
Truth is, as much as I didn't like my old job and wanted the new one, I was avoiding a deeper reality: Was it really feasible to balance the new job, in a new sector, with alcoholism? No. How much longer could I avoid the truth?
Advbike, your reflection on a high school friend's death from alcoholism had parallels for me, too. In July 2013, I learned via Facebook that one of my high school classmates died. I PM'd a couple h.s. friends to ask if they knew what happened. The responses came back pretty quickly: he drank himself to death in his little house up in the north woods. I hadn't seen him in 20 years or so. Had no idea he had a drinking problem. I just remembered a really sweet fellow, one so much like so many of the kids with whom I grew up ... raised on a farm, huge Catholic family, 4-H, high school choir, you name it. Yet another inescapable truth for me, also an alcoholic. Would people be saying that about me someday? "Such a sweet girl ... so much fun in the high school band ... always had a smile for everyone ... smart, good career ... no idea she had a drinking problem but she drank herself to death alone in her condo."
I hadn't thought about those things much until the postings. When your 12-year-old traveling companion spends her time in the car on her iPod and you cannot get a decent radio station to save your own life, you spend a lot of time thinking about your own life.
One thing I contemplated was the joy of knowing that I could not have done this trip with my darling niece while I was still drinking. I also spent time thinking about what I think are the origins of my alcoholism; low self-esteem has been a huge issue. And yet here I was, setting a good example for a child I love dearly, showing her a confident woman who can go to unseen places and safely navigate them.
It made me feel good. It also affirmed my belief that more work needs to be done, that this journey of self-discovery doesn't end when you stop drinking ... or when a big milestone -- one year -- draws nearer.
So more work awaits me. That's all right. It's good work.
I liked the woman I showed my niece. The one who could negotiate scary roads, ride a horse, knows her history and goes ziplining down a mountain. Yes, ziplining! (Loved it! May write more about it one of these days ... it gave rise to some interesting reflections.)
Now, I want to draw that woman out more. She's in there. It's not about soaring above a mountainside, fun as it was, but growing and building the rest of my life.
V.
I think I've described before how a variety of things were adding up in the months preceding my last drink -- how it became clear that I had no choice but to quit drinking. Embrace sobriety. Embark upon recovery. I've not shared all of them. Some postings from classmates during my vacation were particularly meaningful to me.
Oceanlady and Else both had observations about being a hostess and entertaining. I had reached the point where I didn't want company. Entertaining? Aside from a brunch here and there, nothing since the president's first inaugural in 2009. Big celebratory bash at my place. Followed, of course, by me getting wasted once the last guests left. By 2013, though, when friends asked about another party, the big lie I told them was that I was too busy at work. What I didn't tell people was that I was in the middle of the interview/preparation process that ultimately wound up in me getting a new job. The big lie I told myself was that process was keeping me too busy. But it's not that hard to throw a few Trader Joe's hors d'ouvres in the oven, chop up some veggies, make a cheese plate and serve up a bunch of booze and sodapop.
Truth is, as much as I didn't like my old job and wanted the new one, I was avoiding a deeper reality: Was it really feasible to balance the new job, in a new sector, with alcoholism? No. How much longer could I avoid the truth?
Advbike, your reflection on a high school friend's death from alcoholism had parallels for me, too. In July 2013, I learned via Facebook that one of my high school classmates died. I PM'd a couple h.s. friends to ask if they knew what happened. The responses came back pretty quickly: he drank himself to death in his little house up in the north woods. I hadn't seen him in 20 years or so. Had no idea he had a drinking problem. I just remembered a really sweet fellow, one so much like so many of the kids with whom I grew up ... raised on a farm, huge Catholic family, 4-H, high school choir, you name it. Yet another inescapable truth for me, also an alcoholic. Would people be saying that about me someday? "Such a sweet girl ... so much fun in the high school band ... always had a smile for everyone ... smart, good career ... no idea she had a drinking problem but she drank herself to death alone in her condo."
I hadn't thought about those things much until the postings. When your 12-year-old traveling companion spends her time in the car on her iPod and you cannot get a decent radio station to save your own life, you spend a lot of time thinking about your own life.
One thing I contemplated was the joy of knowing that I could not have done this trip with my darling niece while I was still drinking. I also spent time thinking about what I think are the origins of my alcoholism; low self-esteem has been a huge issue. And yet here I was, setting a good example for a child I love dearly, showing her a confident woman who can go to unseen places and safely navigate them.
It made me feel good. It also affirmed my belief that more work needs to be done, that this journey of self-discovery doesn't end when you stop drinking ... or when a big milestone -- one year -- draws nearer.
So more work awaits me. That's all right. It's good work.
I liked the woman I showed my niece. The one who could negotiate scary roads, ride a horse, knows her history and goes ziplining down a mountain. Yes, ziplining! (Loved it! May write more about it one of these days ... it gave rise to some interesting reflections.)
Now, I want to draw that woman out more. She's in there. It's not about soaring above a mountainside, fun as it was, but growing and building the rest of my life.
V.
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