gleefan

DI -- YOU are not "trouble." You are a lovely person. Your addict voice is telling you that if you're Trouble if you're not perfect, and that AV is bunk. You don't need to have all the answers or get everything right. You just need to be you. Put aside all the things that everyone else wants you to be and allow yourself to be you.

Dee74

You can't undo what happened.
It's futile to beat yourself up.

You're not trouble - you're someone who's fighting hard to be free of an addiction.

Alcohol can really do a number on our self esteem - even two glasses.
Try and think of this negativity as a chemical consequence, rather than a true feeling?

Try focusing on the good stuff - look at what you've achieved and what your goals are now DI

casinva

DI, I don't know what it is about us alcoholics but we feel as though we need to be perfect all the time and that's just never going to happen. We are so much harder on ourselves than anyone else. If one of us were going through this, would you tell us we're in trouble and that we're a failure? Of course not!

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. Try to concentrate on the fact that after 2 glasses you dumped the rest of the bottle. That's a GOOD thing. You're not in trouble - you're human.

((HUGS))

casinva

And thanks guys for your encouragement. I need to learn to have a little bit more patience. I can't expect my body to completely bounce back in 3 months from 10 years of literally daily drinking. Thanks for reminding me of that. I'm going to force myself to exercise tomorrow. I figure if I'm going to me a slug, I might as well be one on the treadmill.

tornrealization

I'd say this is correct DI. Drinking even a little bit can derail the best of us. I would say hit bed if you can. Fight the AV.

I'm also the one to go to with problems. Not being able to fix this one quickly has been baffling to me but all the good stuff makes it worth it. Right? Think of all the work and chores we get done. The lack of hangovers and guilt of the clinking of the bottles for recycle day.

When I'm having a really bad urge day I do just retreat to bed. I can be pissed and frustrated annoyed and sad all at the same time but I never ever regret it when I wake up from a sober night.

I know it's hard to remember these things at times, but please try to.

I'm rooting for you DI.

casinva

I second retreating to bed. Read a book, watch a movie or just plain ol' sleep! The important thing is to take care of YOU.

And I had to chuckle a bit at the "clinking of bottles". I wouldn't dare put mine in our recycle bins as it would show just how many there were! I just threw them out in the regular trash and when the garbage truck came, picked up the garbage can and dropped it in the truck, all you could hear was the clanking of the empty bottles! It sounded like there was nothing BUT bottles in the trash! Come to think of it, our trash can is half empty on garbage day these days.......

SoberLeigh

The clinking of bottles was why I switched to boxed Chardonnay. Now, I can barely look at boxed or bottled Chardonnay without a nauseous and painful pit forming in my stomach.

LonelyShadow

I think exhaustion is a really common symptom of early recovery, plus all the lethargy leads to decrease in physical activity which in turn leads to decreased energy! Nightmare! Some light cardio work will increase energy levels.

I try to get rest when I'm feeling low or irritable too, I shut myself in my cave and try to sleep it off when I can. It usually passes fairly quickly.

I have 90 days tomorrow! So happy to have come this far, I've prepared a post for tomorrow on a few of the things that helped me during the bad times, so apologies in advance for the length haha.

Hope all are strong out there.

SoberLeigh

"DI" and "trouble" don't belong in the same sentence.

I know you are discouraged by your slip but I hope you can recognize the great strength and courage it took to pour out the rest of the bottle.

I agree with Dee; alcohol has a negative effect on our psyche. Your negative emotions are the alcohol talking.

(((((DI)))))

DiggingIn

Thank you for the support. I will get there.

Thanks for the laughs about clinking bottles. Remember I'm the one who wrapped her bottles so that the garbage man didn't hear the clinking!

SoberLife2014

I hate thinking about the clinking bottles. I used to stash all my empty bottles in a suitcase in my closet and dump them when my husband wasn't home OR I'd wrap them up so they didn't clink. I used to be scared to death that the trash can would tip over and my stash would go flying all over the street! Oh the crazy things I used to do. Don't miss those days AT ALL.
I think the biggest thing I have fought in my recovery has been guilt. It was really really bad in the beginning and occasionally it rears it's ugly head. Today is one of those times. Here's a quick story on what happened:

I started drinking heavily when I was about 23. At the peak of my alcoholism I was drinking about 2 bottles of wine around 4 times a week and I weighed 115 lbs. I hid it from my husband, but he still knew I had a drinking problem (just not as bad as he thought). I got pregnant when I was 29 and it was planned. I swore up and down that I'd quit drinking when I got pregnant. Much to my horror and dismay I wasn't able to stop. I'm very ashamed to admit that. The rationalizations kicked in and I'd always have intentions on just having 1 glass of wine, but of course, I couldn't just stop at 1. I cut back, but I was still drinking waaay too much for being pregnant. My husband finally caught me redhanded when I was 18 weeks pregnant and to make a long story short, that's when I was finally able to get some help and stop, but it has been a bumpy road. Baby was born with no complications at a healthy weight and his pediatrician described him as "perfect". My husband and I decided not to disclose my drinking to her or my OB.

FORTUNATELY, I have a healthy 8 month old baby. He's cute as a button and he seems really smart and vibrant. But I find the guilt creeping in from what I did coupled with worry. I took him to the doctor today and he hasn't been gaining enough weight. Mind you I'm very petite and only 5'1" and my husband is 5'8". So, now I feel bad and I'm worried that maybe he's so small because I drank while I was pregnant. I also find that if he isn't above average at everything or he's a little behind I start to worry, and I feel guilty again. I'm so so so scared that he's going to grow up with serious developmental problems because I couldn't get my **** together. I have absolutely no control over that at this point and it's frustrating to know that at one point I could have prevented all of this. I don't know why I couldn't just STOP! So many women are able to stop while they're pregnant. I don't think there's any excuse for my behavior and now I'm going to have to pay the price for the rest of my life and I just pray that he doesn't have to pay the price too.

So that's where I'm at today. Sorry for the long post.

LonelyShadow

That must be a huge amount of anxiety to deal with Lulu, I imagine as your paediatrician wasn't concerned and said the baby was 'perfect' that's some solace. I guess the most positive thing to do is focus on NOW, be the best you can be for your child and don't dwell on past mistakes.

You strike me as a kind and thoughtful person, you would never do anything to harm your child, your addiction was in control of you at that time. The best thing to do for your child now is take steps to stop it ever happening again.

I'm sure your child is healthy, but if you're concerned maybe tell the doctor about your drinking? They're usually very understanding and non-judgemental, they might be able to do different tests and put your mind at ease.

Sending strength your way

LonelyShadow

(Oh and as for shame and guilt, I used to have to bag up my cider cans in four or five black bin-bags and make special trips to the dump because I couldn't fit them all into our recycling bin at home! Crazy.)

DiggingIn

Day 3 is going better. Remembering things I learned the first 2 days. Still a lot to go. It's been a long time since I've had a job that I didn't know inside and out. I'm sure in a year i will be surprised at how things turned out, but for now, I'm tired of these big changes.

Major progress, I am not thinking about him much. He had something that belonged to me that he wanted to return. I arranged for someone else to pick it up. He knew I didn't want to see him so he did offer to have someone else bring it to me. No weakness in taking the excuse to see him. Feeling relieved to no longer have to see him.

LonelyShadow

well done DI, you're going through an exhausting change. It will all be worth it in the end, just hang in there and stay strong, you will get through it.

You're in my thoughts.

gleefan

Way to go, DI. I started a new job in October, so Im still going through the first year transition. It's difficult. The upside is that my new employer is steadier financially. There's an upside to everything.

Lulu - hugs! I have two sons, ages 7 and 9. The older one has high functioning autism and the younger one has mood dysfunctions. I have researched developmental delays up, down and all around - searching the internet, going to conferences, discussing with special ed teachers and therapists, talking to other parents, and by working with children for 5 years.

This may sound cliche, but there children with learning disabilities and developmental delays who did everything "right", and some who did everything wrong. No one conclusively knows what causes developmental delays in children. As a parent all you can do is determine whether your baby is meeting his developmental milestones. A pediatrician will usually give you a sheet with a range of what to expect with each age and stage, although I'm sure that's easy to find on the internet. If you're concerned about his development, schedule an evaluation with your state's early intervention office. Chances are, though, that he's developing just fine. Enjoy him, cherish him, and love him. Keep yourself healthy and sober. Parenting is hard, but a whole lot more pleasant of an experience sober than while drunk or hungover.

LonelyShadow - it was nice to get to see a bit more of your posts today.

Torn - hi!

Dee74

I was a premy baby Lulu - no fault of my parents. I was small all my life until about 16-17, grew a little and I'm normal sized now.

I'm glad you got through all that stuff

D

SoberLife2014

Thank you everyone. I think part of my problem is that I spend so much time on the internet researching everything that could go wrong with drinking while pregnant. No doubt drinking while pregnant is very bad and no amount of drinking while pregnant is safe. But no one knows, and sometimes babies are born without any problems. I did a lot right while I was pregnant as well. I can't help but worry, but it's when I get obsessive about it that I completely overlook everything that is absolutely perfect with my baby. So, I really need to stop "researching". My baby is right on track developmentally so far, he's just a little small.

LonelyShadow

Today I have 90 days sober. Today I feel like a new man, over the last 90 days the world has branched out in front of me and the doors that have shown themselves in sobriety have been opened. The battle is far from one, but for today at least it feels like I finally have the upper hand.

Change begins with a decision. You have to make a choice, who am I going to be, what am I going to be, how am I going to do it. Just decide. Once the decision is made you have to take steps every second of every minute of every hour of every day to move closer to that goal. Some days you may only move an inch closer. But you have to do everything in your power to win that inch. One day you look back and see that all those inches have added up into many miles.

The three most useful tools I have accrued so far I write here as how they have helped me, only one of them is an established AA tool the others i’ve adapted from other sources, so this is NOT a guideline at all it’s just an insight into what has helped me on a personal level, everyone’s journey is different and these may not be the most helpful for everyone. But for me, they have been key;

1. Play The Tape Until The End -

This one has saved me in times where I am around alcohol in a social setting, where I can imagine a few beers just lightening the mood and relaxing me. What I like about this is that it acknowledges the fact that a few drinks WOULD be enjoyable, but if you focus on what happens after those few drinks. When everyone else has gone home and the laughter has stopped and I keep drinking, and keep drinking and keep drinking, and the next morning I keep drinking too until i’m sick, depressed and suicidal. Suddenly those few enjoyable pints don’t look so enjoyable. If you play your tape until the end you recognise once again that alcohol is a false friend and it will eat you alive if you give in to temptation. Play your tape until the end.

2. Win The Inch -

This is something I took from the strength training motivational speeches I watch, it’s amazing how much translates into sobriety.

‘Life is a game of inches.’ is an idea that you achieve greatness through an accumulation of little victories, the idea being that a mile is made up of inches and you don’t win a marathon in one or two steps.

What I took from this is that some days staying sober is almost impossible, it’s a giant task that takes all of your stamina and willpower to stay sober, you go through so much emotional pain and heartache that you used to numb with alcohol and now that isn’t there and the pain is intolerable, and you get through it sober and for what? At the end of the day what have you gained? One day. That’s it, for all your effort all you gained was one day. But for me, I will fight tooth and claw to win that day of sobriety, because when you add up ALL of those days, you find that you’ve gained so much sober time. And every day you win, the fight gets a little easier, the pain subsides quicker and you build armour against the despair. So even at my deepest, darkest despair, I clench my fist and remember ‘Win The Inch’ and I realise that I have a giant fight on my hands and the reward, for the moment, will be tiny, but I do it because one day I can add that day to my list of victories. And when you add up all of those inches, that makes the difference between winning and losing. And ultimately, the difference between living and dying. Win the inch, and you will win your life back.

3. “What Are You Doing?”

For me, this was the absolute key to sobriety. Where before I had accrued stints of up to 30 days. I resented it every step of the way and wasn’t doing enough to support myself. I hadn’t realised that what I needed to do was take more responsibility for my myself and my sobriety. As it’s been said before, simply not drinking is NOT sobriety. It sounds counter-intuitive but once I got my mind around that concept I could begin building a sober lifestyle.

You have to be wise in order to decide when you’re kind to yourself and when you’re hard on yourself. I had to realise that it was up to me to build this sober lifestyle and not be sitting around hating the world and myself and looking for every reason under the sun to blame someone or something else for my alcohol problem. It’s my problem and therefore my responsibility, so I had to ask myself;

“What are you doing? What are YOU doing TODAY, right now, to move yourself forward?” I kept that question in my mind and realised that the opportunities around me were staggering that I had been blind to previously. I began to be the person I wanted to be and as I did I gained momentum. As I began to live how I wanted to live new things started coming my way, I got a paid job, a volunteer job at a gym and got accepted onto a Gym Instructors course, all steps that will move me directly in the direction of my dreams. It’s important to note that ALL of those were achieved because of sobriety, I have to remember that lest I somehow delude myself into thinking that I can live with alcohol. I can’t, that has been proven, every time I feel I’m getting complacent I ask myself “What are you doing?” in the times of strength and peace, plan for when things won’t be so good. In a sense you have to have your own back, so that when you’re in a low and dangerous place you have some fall-backs prepared to keep you safe.

--

Lastly; Remember that the human body and mind is an astoundingly resilient and brilliant mechanism. Use it, play to it’s strengths and accept it’s limitations. In addition to this, the social organism that is society is also so powerful and complex, don’t be afraid of society or afraid that you don’t fit in. You’re a human being and therefore you BELONG to the world BY RIGHT, regardless of your difficulties and struggles. Don’t be afraid to take pride in your sobriety. You will meet resistance and difficulty from those who don’t understand, so you have to go out there and show them that in your sobriety you’re a strong and brilliant being. Your strength will radiate outwards and one day, it may not be today, may not be tomorrow, but ONE DAY others around you will recognise all of the effort you’ve put it. And on that day it will feel like you’ve achieved what you set out to achieve, one inch at a time.

I would like to thank each and every one of you for your continued guidance and support. This site has given me the tools and encouragement that were missing from my previous attempts at sobriety. You’ve all been amazing, but I would also like to personally thank:

Dee
Gleefan
SoberLeigh
TornRealisation
Forabetterlife

For their especially kind and gracious words of support over the last three months.

Today, we’re another step up the mountain.
Stay Strong.
LonelyShadow.

Dee74

Way to go LonelyShadow - 90 days is huge

You've been a constant source of encouragement to this group - I congratulate you, not only on the 90 days but on another great post
There are some really great ideas there

D