Class Of February 2014 Part 3
sunshinescooby
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by forabetterlife 
Good morning everyone
Thank you Briggsy for the perfect quotes once again. And happy day 20 to both of us!
I'm terrified that these awful feelings will lead me to a bottle of wine to try to quell them, and I cannot let that happen.
I am sorry for my ranting here, I just want to get past this and feel good again.
Thank you Briggsy for the perfect quotes once again. And happy day 20 to both of us!
I'm terrified that these awful feelings will lead me to a bottle of wine to try to quell them, and I cannot let that happen.
I am sorry for my ranting here, I just want to get past this and feel good again.
And, you are not ranting, you are being honest.. I think we are ALL finally being honest.. something we haven't been doing for a long time.. How can you be honest when you're drunk?
Keep it up!
sunshinescooby
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by Briggsy75
Good Morning Everyone,
Day 20 for me today, it's 0615am here in the UK. Had a rough afternoon/night dealing with the daughter's I-Phone 5, which she went to update and now it's stuck in "recovery mode"... I still had a cabinet full of various liquor/alcohol.
Day 20 for me today, it's 0615am here in the UK. Had a rough afternoon/night dealing with the daughter's I-Phone 5, which she went to update and now it's stuck in "recovery mode"... I still had a cabinet full of various liquor/alcohol.
I too have a big cabinet of liquor that was prominently displayed.. I did move it all to the basement out of sight. But, looking at it doesn't really tempt me. I have found, as true addicts do, that if I've made up my mind to pick up I will do anything to get it.. so.
Have a great day and thanks again!!!
sunshinescooby
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam
@Dee - I've been on this forum a while and tried to quit before and always look forward to your posts. You are so un-biased and always have a warm and caring word to lend to people. I really, really look up to you and hope to be like you one day.
Scared that people will know what a loser I am, that they will uncover stuff I'm not ready for, how pathetic a I am over absolutely nothing, that they will be disappointed in me, that I will be tardy daily because I HAVE to take my kids to school beforehand it's Atlanta which can mean 2 hour traffic or 45 minute traffic. You name it and I have the fear.
Scared that people will know what a loser I am, that they will uncover stuff I'm not ready for, how pathetic a I am over absolutely nothing, that they will be disappointed in me, that I will be tardy daily because I HAVE to take my kids to school beforehand it's Atlanta which can mean 2 hour traffic or 45 minute traffic. You name it and I have the fear.
Also, I think it is great that you come to SR and express your innermost feelings of fear, dread, etc. I can so relate to feeling like a loser.. Some days i HATE myself, and that has been an ongoing issue all of my life. (I'm 51).. I hope that you can dig deep and recognize that coming on here and letting folks know what you are going through and how you really feel is a big step in the right direction. Remember, the smallest journey starts with one step.
You are not a loser. You have recognized that you need to make some changes for a better life, and it seems to me you have a lot to look forward to, especially your family. So, take a deep breath and just keep marching on.
Some days I can choose to be happy. Other days I can't, and there is a big black cloud hanging over me that I try to hide.... I just have to wait for that to pass.. Sounds like you're in that place now. Just hang in there. Oh, and remember, the folks that are at the treatment center want to help you. That is why they are there, and I'm sure they've seen a lot of people, just like you, me and everyone else on SR, so I doubt you'll be telling them or doing anything that they haven't already been exposed to. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to downplay your concern, I totally understand that..
As I read on here.. Don't give up 10 minutes before the miracle happens!!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
Originally Posted by forabetterlife
Heading to bed now but I just spent the past 3 hours texting my ex. He barely texted back it was just me going on and on about everything that's happened with us. It was a waste of time, my heart is racing and my stomach is in knots. This is the kind of crap I would do for years when I was drunk. Now I'm 20 days sober and acting like I'm drinking a bottle of wine. This man and our dynamic is toxic to me and my well being. I know this, yet I am pulled to it anyway, just like drinking. Our relationship, just like mine with alcohol, has run it's course and what is left is unhealthy and I have outgrown it. I honestly do not want to be with him again, I just can't stand the idea of him with someone else. And I know that isn't right either.
Given the choice I guess I'm glad I just caved texting him and allowing myself to feel so obsessive rather caving into drinking . At least I will sleep well and wake up without a hangover. It was the lesser of two evils but still not good for me emotionally at all. I feel weak and desperate.
Given the choice I guess I'm glad I just caved texting him and allowing myself to feel so obsessive rather caving into drinking . At least I will sleep well and wake up without a hangover. It was the lesser of two evils but still not good for me emotionally at all. I feel weak and desperate.
Are you seeking friendships or relationship since? Perhaps you are worried that he will find someone and you won't have anything to fall back on at the time. I'm just thinking how I felt when I was dating in serious relationships and the aftermath. It's a natural instinct, don't fret over it, but really, your a strong person and will succeed on both of these subjects.
Be strong!!......And Stay Strong Februarites......
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
Originally Posted by LonelyShadow
Its Day 7 for me and feeling good, but I think therein lies my difficulty. I feel fine right now, and I'm confident I will be fine in the coming weeks, lots to focus on and i'm fortunate to be in a position without too many responsibilities and stressors at the moment (To all who are in difficult circumstances I salute you, you are SO strong)
I think my AV has talked me out of going to see the doctor this past week:
"Just go tomorrow"
"Go when you're feeling low"
"You might not need it this time"
Bitter, bitter experience tells me that I can NOT do this alone. Day 31 will roll around and I will be in no-man's land, and then all it takes is a setback, could be something minor, and I bypass the 'I'll just have one drink' stage and immediately want to drink my self to death. I do not know why it comes on so severely and so quickly.
I keep having terrible nightmares, I have mentioned before I used to work in a specialist school and part of the job required me to frequently have to physically restrain young people when they became violent. I was often kicked, hit, spat on and verbally abused. Because i'm a big guy I was often called on to do these restraints, it was incredibly challenging.
One child had a history worse than you can imagine, his case notes were tragic it haunts me how people can be so evil, I felt so sad for this child who was clearly a nice kid, but had suffered so much at the hands of others. I was his specialist support in class, and when he flipped, boy did he flip. We had an interesting relationship as we would get along great, but as soon as he was angry I was the first person to take the brunt of his rage.
He had this scream that I cannot get out of my head, when I had to restrain him he would scream, scream, scream. It's stunning how loud a child can scream, and this sounded inhuman. It was more like a roar, like opening a window to Hell itself and listening in. I would spend hours and days with this boy in crisis.
I often have nightmares about a couple of incidents that happened, replaying themselves over and over and over in my head.
I sometimes wonder if I may have a touch of PTSD, as I was often in physical danger and the job would definatly fall under the category of 'traumatic', it would explain why the dreams repeat and why I can't let it go. Alcohol withdrawal certainly makes them more vivid.
I thought I would share a little about my history because you guys are amazing, I have told others about my past before and how it affected me and they simply did not seem to understand. It's very alienating.
There are many positives though, firstly I have learned a great deal while at the school and after it, I saw both the best and worst of humanity at that place.
Hoping everyone has a strong and sober Saturday,
Make time for yourselves, treat yourselves, get out into the open air, do something you LOVE to do. Sobriety is happening NOW, enjoy it!
Peace to all
I think my AV has talked me out of going to see the doctor this past week:
"Just go tomorrow"
"Go when you're feeling low"
"You might not need it this time"
Bitter, bitter experience tells me that I can NOT do this alone. Day 31 will roll around and I will be in no-man's land, and then all it takes is a setback, could be something minor, and I bypass the 'I'll just have one drink' stage and immediately want to drink my self to death. I do not know why it comes on so severely and so quickly.
I keep having terrible nightmares, I have mentioned before I used to work in a specialist school and part of the job required me to frequently have to physically restrain young people when they became violent. I was often kicked, hit, spat on and verbally abused. Because i'm a big guy I was often called on to do these restraints, it was incredibly challenging.
One child had a history worse than you can imagine, his case notes were tragic it haunts me how people can be so evil, I felt so sad for this child who was clearly a nice kid, but had suffered so much at the hands of others. I was his specialist support in class, and when he flipped, boy did he flip. We had an interesting relationship as we would get along great, but as soon as he was angry I was the first person to take the brunt of his rage.
He had this scream that I cannot get out of my head, when I had to restrain him he would scream, scream, scream. It's stunning how loud a child can scream, and this sounded inhuman. It was more like a roar, like opening a window to Hell itself and listening in. I would spend hours and days with this boy in crisis.
I often have nightmares about a couple of incidents that happened, replaying themselves over and over and over in my head.
I sometimes wonder if I may have a touch of PTSD, as I was often in physical danger and the job would definatly fall under the category of 'traumatic', it would explain why the dreams repeat and why I can't let it go. Alcohol withdrawal certainly makes them more vivid.
I thought I would share a little about my history because you guys are amazing, I have told others about my past before and how it affected me and they simply did not seem to understand. It's very alienating.
There are many positives though, firstly I have learned a great deal while at the school and after it, I saw both the best and worst of humanity at that place.
Hoping everyone has a strong and sober Saturday,
Make time for yourselves, treat yourselves, get out into the open air, do something you LOVE to do. Sobriety is happening NOW, enjoy it!
Peace to all
It's unreal as you mention that when you reach sobriety how vivid memories can be. You very have suffer some traumatic experiences that have impacted you. When you reach that bench-mark of 31'ish....we'll be here to take you to the next level. Additionally, I know it hurts, but we have to embrace those terrible memories and our mind will begin to accept them and we can then heal and move on.
Stay Strong my friend!...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
I caught it too Brazilian, congratulations on day 17!
Kleigh, SSC, and neverthought, thank you for your insight. I guess it's healthiER that I'm doing this sober, but it doesn't feel very healthy. NT, I am not seeking a relationship, I really am ok alone. I look forward to a day where I do meet someone new but I'm not actively seeking it in anyway. I just want to keep working on myself so that when that time comes, I am in a good place and healthy for myself and for someone else.
I wish I was in a better place mentally this morning. I love Saturday mornings and I feel like I have lost this one in all my crazy thinking. I'm going to try to take my dog for a walk and hope I don't get rained on....
Kleigh, SSC, and neverthought, thank you for your insight. I guess it's healthiER that I'm doing this sober, but it doesn't feel very healthy. NT, I am not seeking a relationship, I really am ok alone. I look forward to a day where I do meet someone new but I'm not actively seeking it in anyway. I just want to keep working on myself so that when that time comes, I am in a good place and healthy for myself and for someone else.
I wish I was in a better place mentally this morning. I love Saturday mornings and I feel like I have lost this one in all my crazy thinking. I'm going to try to take my dog for a walk and hope I don't get rained on....
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
Originally Posted by Ladybug2
Yep, I do think it has something to do with age 
I am 42 and love my sleep now. I remember how, not so long ago, I could drink a lot, get up the next morning and function just fine all day without the awful hangover. The hangovers just started getting worse and worse until I could barely get out of bed some days, let alone function. If there were a magic cure for hangovers I'm not so sure I could stay sober. Let's hope they don't invent one anytime soon. Way to go on 20 days!!
I am 42 and love my sleep now. I remember how, not so long ago, I could drink a lot, get up the next morning and function just fine all day without the awful hangover. The hangovers just started getting worse and worse until I could barely get out of bed some days, let alone function. If there were a magic cure for hangovers I'm not so sure I could stay sober. Let's hope they don't invent one anytime soon. Way to go on 20 days!! There is a chemical by-product from ethanol when it's broken down in the liver called Acetaldehyde, that is believed to cause the terrible hang-overs as we reach 40 and beyond. The body has difficulty breaking this chemical down at our age and that is one thing that creates these massive hangover. I read that earlier this year. Sounds logical?
You mention about the hang-over cure. At our age, it may just be our blessing.
Thanks...
Stay Strong Februarites......
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,131
Originally Posted by Ilya
Hello everyone. I have to admit, I absolutely can not keep up. I'd like to get to know this group, but I fear I am not very good at getting to know others.
I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.
Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.
I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.
I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.
I can not go out. It was too early.
Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.
Good night all.
I
I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.
Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.
I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.
I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.
I can not go out. It was too early.
Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.
Good night all.
I
You are on here everyday, so, you are on the right track. But I think everyone will agree, try not to put yourself in that position in early stages.
Good for you on recognizing all of this so quickly
Stay Strong!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Day 22. I can't believe it!
Geah - I can relate to your uncertainty about what life would look like without alcohol. The non drinkers I know are boring and uptight. What I've noticed over the past 22 days is that being sober has not made me uptight or moralistic. Being sober has helped me make safer decisions, but I'm still funny, energetic, enjoyable to be around, and open to people and experiences.
Fabl - I can relate to your difficult relationship dynamic. I like that you have realized that your patterns with your ex are within your control. Good plan to think more deeply about it. According to Jungian psychology, we unconsciously repeat certain patterns until we consciously determine to stop.
I read all the posts, but because our forum is so busy, I sometimes forget who said what. Someone said we are battling alcohol addiction like a person climbing a mountain, one step in front of the other, step by step? That is brilliant. Keep going Febbies!
Geah - I can relate to your uncertainty about what life would look like without alcohol. The non drinkers I know are boring and uptight. What I've noticed over the past 22 days is that being sober has not made me uptight or moralistic. Being sober has helped me make safer decisions, but I'm still funny, energetic, enjoyable to be around, and open to people and experiences.
Fabl - I can relate to your difficult relationship dynamic. I like that you have realized that your patterns with your ex are within your control. Good plan to think more deeply about it. According to Jungian psychology, we unconsciously repeat certain patterns until we consciously determine to stop.
I read all the posts, but because our forum is so busy, I sometimes forget who said what. Someone said we are battling alcohol addiction like a person climbing a mountain, one step in front of the other, step by step? That is brilliant. Keep going Febbies!
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Thank you for all of the support and for posting your own struggles. I read all the posts and am caught up but will be away this weekend for DD's birthday. I will be reading but not posting. Be strong this weekend, Febbies! <3
*sprinkles sober dust around the room*
*sprinkles sober dust around the room*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
Originally Posted by gleefan
Day 22. I can't believe it!
I read all the posts, but because our forum is so busy, I sometimes forget who said what. Someone said we are battling alcohol addiction like a person climbing a mountain, one step in front of the other, step by step? That is brilliant. Keep going Febbies!
I read all the posts, but because our forum is so busy, I sometimes forget who said what. Someone said we are battling alcohol addiction like a person climbing a mountain, one step in front of the other, step by step? That is brilliant. Keep going Febbies!
I like that style of thought because it's so true, you don't run a marathon by teleporting to the end, you put one foot in front of the other over and over again until you're done. It's that simple! With the mountain analogy too I think if you are climbing that mountain and slip, you might fall ten, twenty, thirty metres, but you won't fall all the way to the bottom. You just have to pick yourself back up and keep going. No matter how many times you fall you can ALWAYS get back up. Sooner or later you WILL reach the summit. Imagine that feeling!
I'm in a dangerous place today, completly alone in the house and all chores complete. But I will not fall. Not today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by forabetterlife
Good morning everyone
Thank you Briggsy for the perfect quotes once again. And happy day 20 to both of us!
Thank you Dee for your kind words about my issues with this person. I do deserve better. I have evaluated this relationship enough over the years that by this point I know that it is not so much HIM, as my internal, automatic response to him. It is so much like addiction, it's surreal. I can feel my mind and even my body switch to "crazy mode", and my heart starts racing and I start thinking all of this awful things that just make me want to tear my hair out. I honestly thought that this overly dramatic, even irrational, thinking and behavior was linked directly to my drinking, but I guess it's not. I can be a crazy person sober too
It is stifling, but I'm just going to take some time this morning to journal and try to get it out of my system so I can have a good day. I'm terrified that these awful feelings will lead me to a bottle of wine to try to quell them, and I cannot let that happen.
I am sorry for my ranting here, I just want to get past this and feel good again.
Thank you Briggsy for the perfect quotes once again. And happy day 20 to both of us!
Thank you Dee for your kind words about my issues with this person. I do deserve better. I have evaluated this relationship enough over the years that by this point I know that it is not so much HIM, as my internal, automatic response to him. It is so much like addiction, it's surreal. I can feel my mind and even my body switch to "crazy mode", and my heart starts racing and I start thinking all of this awful things that just make me want to tear my hair out. I honestly thought that this overly dramatic, even irrational, thinking and behavior was linked directly to my drinking, but I guess it's not. I can be a crazy person sober too
It is stifling, but I'm just going to take some time this morning to journal and try to get it out of my system so I can have a good day. I'm terrified that these awful feelings will lead me to a bottle of wine to try to quell them, and I cannot let that happen.
I am sorry for my ranting here, I just want to get past this and feel good again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by LonelyShadow
I posted that but I didn't come up with it, wish I could take credit! I watch a lot of motivational videos to help me with training and it's amazing how much of it translates to trying to build a sober lifestyle too.
I like that style of thought because it's so true, you don't run a marathon by teleporting to the end, you put one foot in front of the other over and over again until you're done. It's that simple! With the mountain analogy too I think if you are climbing that mountain and slip, you might fall ten, twenty, thirty metres, but you won't fall all the way to the bottom. You just have to pick yourself back up and keep going. No matter how many times you fall you can ALWAYS get back up. Sooner or later you WILL reach the summit. Imagine that feeling!
I'm in a dangerous place today, completly alone in the house and all chores complete. But I will not fall. Not today.
I like that style of thought because it's so true, you don't run a marathon by teleporting to the end, you put one foot in front of the other over and over again until you're done. It's that simple! With the mountain analogy too I think if you are climbing that mountain and slip, you might fall ten, twenty, thirty metres, but you won't fall all the way to the bottom. You just have to pick yourself back up and keep going. No matter how many times you fall you can ALWAYS get back up. Sooner or later you WILL reach the summit. Imagine that feeling!
I'm in a dangerous place today, completly alone in the house and all chores complete. But I will not fall. Not today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by gleefan
Day 22. I can't believe it!
Geah - I can relate to your uncertainty about what life would look like without alcohol. The non drinkers I know are boring and uptight. What I've noticed over the past 22 days is that being sober has not made me uptight or moralistic. Being sober has helped me make safer decisions, but I'm still funny, energetic, enjoyable to be around, and open to people and experiences.
Fabl - I can relate to your difficult relationship dynamic. I like that you have realized that your patterns with your ex are within your control. Good plan to think more deeply about it. According to Jungian psychology, we unconsciously repeat certain patterns until we consciously determine to stop.
I read all the posts, but because our forum is so busy, I sometimes forget who said what. Someone said we are battling alcohol addiction like a person climbing a mountain, one step in front of the other, step by step? That is brilliant. Keep going Febbies!
Geah - I can relate to your uncertainty about what life would look like without alcohol. The non drinkers I know are boring and uptight. What I've noticed over the past 22 days is that being sober has not made me uptight or moralistic. Being sober has helped me make safer decisions, but I'm still funny, energetic, enjoyable to be around, and open to people and experiences.
Fabl - I can relate to your difficult relationship dynamic. I like that you have realized that your patterns with your ex are within your control. Good plan to think more deeply about it. According to Jungian psychology, we unconsciously repeat certain patterns until we consciously determine to stop.
I read all the posts, but because our forum is so busy, I sometimes forget who said what. Someone said we are battling alcohol addiction like a person climbing a mountain, one step in front of the other, step by step? That is brilliant. Keep going Febbies!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Originally Posted by Ilya
Hello everyone. I have to admit, I absolutely can not keep up. I'd like to get to know this group, but I fear I am not very good at getting to know others.
I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.
Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.
I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.
I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.
I can not go out. It was too early.
Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.
Good night all.
I
I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.
Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.
I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.
I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.
I can not go out. It was too early.
Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.
Good night all.
I
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