tornrealization

Day three, i will not drink. I wasn't able to walk due to cold at lunch. Ate some tasty food with coworkers. I wish I could read and post at work. So much to catch up on. Keep up the posting everyone.

@Dax good job tonight.

Delphine

Welcome to the February Class DiggingIn! You can do this!

Delphine

You completely earned the right to eat 5 layer dip in bed! Congrats on beating down the AV tonight

Delphine

Congrats on day three!!!! The first few days were so tough for me.

forabetterlife

I normally stay far away from posting when things aren't going so well but I am desperate to put an end to all of this and I know that to just be honest and get it out there, will at least be a start.
I had 20 days sober until this past weekend. I felt amazing, but had this unhealthy relationship and all of its issues nibbling at my heels. Its not an excuse, I know that I had a choice. I drank each of the four nights, about a half of a bottle of wine. Not enough to cause obvious issues but enough to get me to lose myself. Tonight it all came to a head and I know that I need to pick myself and just start all over again. I allowed this person, who I have an unhealthy addiction to just as much as alcohol, to enter back into my heart and into my life.
What I saw tonight, in myself , was the me that I was 3, 4 5, 6, 7 years ago. I know that I am stronger now, that I am different. Even sober, I felt myself becoming weakened by this person over the past month, and it confused me. I didnt' think I would feel that way again, so desperate, especially sober.
But I did, and I reverted right back to the crazed me.
Without the whole story, I know this might not make much sense. But it's too long of a story. All I know is that all of this needs to end now, once and for all. I don't know or understand why I am constantly drawn back to a person like this. The heartbreak has been constant, for years. I really thought I was over him. And it sneaked back up on me. But it's not winning. Tomorrow is a new day. I have so much to live for and I am moving on. Sober. It's still February and I'm not giving up.

Delphine

Forabetterlife- Thank you for coming back here after drinking. This group needs you. You wrote that you are stronger now, different, and that you have so much to live for. Take that strength and optimism and try to detach from the person who has caused you so much heartbreak. I know that it is easier said than done, but you deserve a better, sober life. Sending hugs and strength your way!!!

dax501

We are dorm parents at a boarding school, and our boys lost their basketball finals game so I ended up making them a red velvet cake (with the "help" of the toddlers) so they could eat their feelings too

Dee74

you can do this FABL
D

dax501

You're right, it is still February. Dust off those bad feelings and embrace your strength.

jenny11785

For a better life- yes it does suck when others have power over our emotions. Tomorrow is a new day- detach, journal, excercise or whatever can keep you busy!!

SoberLeigh

me, too.

Briggsy75

Hello Febbies,

It amazes me how many posts on here seem to apply or relate at some level with many of us on here. It shows we're all in the same boat and do/have experienced many of the same things. Today is Thursday and typically the day when folks start making plans for the upcoming triggers, aka., "The Weekend". I'll say it again, making a plan of what I'm going to accomplish this weekend really helps in keeping me focused. Remember, I and many others drank out of mere boredom. When we're bored, our minds get out of sync and we start thinking about many things, of which some are negatives which fuels our AVs.

Question: Anybody else change up anything like coffee selection? I bought a new flavor of coffee, "Nescafe" and it's freaking amazing compared to the normal "Folgers", I've been drinking for 20+yrs. It's a little more money, due to the smaller size, but the actual taste runs circles around my normal flavor. Also, due to my wife being on her diet, we're cooking differently, (no salt, butter, etc.), and things are definitely starting to taste differently without beer in my system. I've heard the same things happen when one quits smoking. We'll see as that's the next beast I'll go for. Day 25 here, most days great to good, a few days like yesterday afternoon are somewhat blah days, but overall for all the folks just starting their journey's, believe me it's get's easier for the most part.

Hope all Have a Healthy and Productive Thursday! Make those plans now for the weekend. Can't remember who (haven't gone back and re-read the msgs yet), but I saw a post last night where someone said their AV was planning on what it'd be like to drink this Friday/Weekend....What, it was only Wednesday!

I definitely haven't experienced that one yet. Not saying a few thoughts haven't popped into my head during a single day, but planning on what it would be like, I'm going to have to research that one.

ODAAT!

Briggsy75

Awesome! My 30-day pt is next Tuesday! When I saw your milestone, I immediately thought of the song that I posted, "Feeling Good, By Muse". I bet you are really feeling good!

Any words of wisdom as you cross over this significant milestone? Changing anything going forward? What major changes did you make to get here?
Since you don't attend AA, I thought I'd send you a virtual 30-Day Chip!
30-Day Chip.jpg

Briggsy75

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Briggsy75

Found this here on SR. Interesting read. Have a good day, must get ready for work. Will be thinking about everyone.

""We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways. A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.

Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people - unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary."

"We live in a society where the emotional experience of "love" is conditional on behavior. Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children's behavior because parents believe that their children's behavior reflects their self-worth.

In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, "good boy," then his parents are good people. If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents. ("He doesn't come from a good family.")

What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family."

(Many quotes are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls)

Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior. It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency: gambling; spending; eating disorders; sexual or relationship addictions; inability to hold a job; etc.

Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up. As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships. The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.

[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused - and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued. This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family - rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age. The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc. This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or "kind hearted" martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the "wronged" victim) - some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria. The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry - and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people. These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]

A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.

I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd. I have now been clean and sober for over 18 years. The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.

An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones. It is often professionally facilitated - although that is not a necessary requirement. It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person. It is sometimes described as an example of "tough love."

Tough love is a misnomer. Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love - it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism. If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner. Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving - and it is codependently dishonest.

When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others. A codependent doesn't rescue or try to save someone they "love" for the other persons benefit - they do it for themselves. A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving - but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves. They are being selfish - which is human and normal - but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person. This is a set up to feel victimized - and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior. "How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?"

One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior. We can love a person's being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary. To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional - and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self. If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way. If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries - then the other person is not going to respect us.

Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling. It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction. A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time - and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner. Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency - it is also not Loving.

Delphine

I have been splurging on non-alcoholic beverages: exotic teas, perrier and other sparkling waters, interesting juices, etc... It really does help me to have cold non-alcoholic drinks in the fridge.

Good idea about making plans now for the weekend. I am going to plan at least one interesting outing that I would normally not attempt in my drinking days.

Dee74

We close our threads at 500 posts.

Please join us for the next part here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html