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Class Of February 2014 Part 3

Old 02-21-2014, 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by newhope01 View Post
Wow, we really are a busy thread!

Had some bad memories awakened from my past. No anxiety, just kind of flat.

I'm starting to realize that I never dealt with these issues because right around the time these bad memories occurred I was already heavily drinking. Im kind of scared to deal with it as I cannot endure any more pain from it. So, Im feeling kind of flat.. like a defense mechanism or something to that effect.

Just can't go there.. Im just not ready yet. I'd rather just observe it from afar analytically and not involve myself too much in them.

Heh, Im probably not making any sense.. Just had to kind of get my thoughts out. Thanks for listening/reading.
Makes perfect sense to me, newhope. It is so important to take care of yourself; regaining sobriety is a huge undertaking; you need to stay well to stay strong.

A "flat" or lethargic feeling is very common in the beginning; your body and brain are adjusting to a new chemical balance; it lasted for several months for me; it does go away.
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Old 02-21-2014, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam View Post
@Dee - I've been on this forum a while and tried to quit before and always look forward to your posts. You are so un-biased and always have a warm and caring word to lend to people. I really, really look up to you and hope to be like you one day. Until then, I'm bottom of the barrel, losing my f&*%$ mind for no reason. NO reason. I have a good life. If IOP doesn't help me, I will have lost all hope. I feel like I have a lot of hope but no tools to help me and I can't do it alone.

Maybe that is what I'm scared of (to answer a previous question - great question and I had to think on it). Scared that people will know what a loser I am, that they will uncover stuff I'm not ready for, how pathetic a I am over absolutely nothing, that they will be disappointed in me, that I will be tardy daily because I HAVE to take my kids to school beforehand it's Atlanta which can mean 2 hour traffic or 45 minute traffic. You name it and I have the fear.
I bet the people at OP will be able to provide you with some valuable coping tools. GEAH, I admire the honest, sincere and courageous way you have bared your soul in your posts; losers don't do that; you are NOT a loser - not even close.
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Old 02-21-2014, 08:50 PM
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Geah it sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I am still fighting for sobriety myself, been on and off drinking for about 2 years after years and years of heavy drinking (besides my pregnancies). But what I have learned from my stretches of sobriety is this: if you stick with this not drinking thing day by day, things start to change. One day it might just be an hour feeling tons of self esteem, the next day you might feel really optimistic. Seeded throughout are bad days, and bad moments. But slowly you will begin to feel yourself rise above the clouds and know that good things are happening inside of you physically and mentally. You just have to stick with it and ride out the bad times, like you are having tonight. You can do this
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:23 PM
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Hello everyone. I have to admit, I absolutely can not keep up. I'd like to get to know this group, but I fear I am not very good at getting to know others.

I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.

Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.

I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.

I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.

I can not go out. It was too early.

Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.

Good night all.

I
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:32 PM
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I'm sorry to read that Illya.
Every mistake builds our database of knowledge for next time tho

D
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Ilya View Post
Hello everyone. I have to admit, I absolutely can not keep up. I'd like to get to know this group, but I fear I am not very good at getting to know others.

I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.

Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.

I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.

I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.

I can not go out. It was too early.

Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.

Good night all.

I
Welcome to a New Day One, Ilya.
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:34 PM
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I hope you can move on from this relationship FABL.

Bad bad not healthy is still bad and not healthy, regardless of the degree - from what you say, I think you deserve better

D
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:36 PM
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Good Morning Everyone,

Why do I always wake up so early, 7-days a week? Being sober has nothing to do with it, I get 7-8 hrs of sleep and my body wakes up. Day 20 for me today, it's 0615am here in the UK. Had a rough afternoon/night dealing with the daughter's I-Phone 5, which she went to update and now it's stuck in "recovery mode"... pretty ironic isn't it : 0..Last 4-hrs of my night wasn't good, but in the end just put the computer and her phone down and decided tomorrow is another day, I'll deal with it then when I'm not so pissed! Took some smoke breaks (next habit to quit after 90-120 days of sobriety), wife allowed me to be pissed which helped and then I went up to bed and read about 4-pgs of SR threads. It's definitely calming for some reason.

I really think I'm able to make a conscious decision to not drink even when I have a rough day. If you recall, when I made the decision to quit I still had a cabinet full of various liquor/alcohol. It's still there and I haven't even taken as much as a "sniff". I think I can look at it, and not make a drink because beer has always been my #1, #2, #3, #4 and #5 choice of booze. Now, I'm not saying that previously I haven't ran out or needed a bigger boost and switched from time to time or within one evening. I saw a couple of posts on FB this morning, which got me thinking about this subject this am..."Sometimes it's not about the mess you made, but about how you clean it up", and "You determine how far you go in life, nobody else".

I basically interpret these as it's up to each of us to recognize we have a problem, have a desire to change it and then fully commit to changing the problem. With me, although it's only been 20-days, my desire/commitment to "no more drinking" because I've never been able to only have one beer or only one 6-pack or one 12-pack, allows me to open the cabinet to get my dog a treat and stare at a large 1.75Ml of Jack and not have an urge to make a drink.

Okay, done rambling and need more coffee. Hope everyone has plans for the weekend to keep them busy. My days are full with my vehicles, home office and conclusion of the Olympics!

Hope everyone has a good Saturday and Sunday and stay focused on things to accomplish this weekend and make it to Monday with more days under your belts!
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:41 PM
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Visited my first group session, which transitioned to an AA meeting next door. The AA meeting was especially fulfilling because there was so much I could relate to. I think this is drawing day two to an end.
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Briggsy75 View Post
Good Morning Everyone,

Why do I always wake up so early, 7-days a week? Being sober has nothing to do with it, I get 7-8 hrs of sleep and my body wakes up. Day 20 for me today, it's 0615am here in the UK. Had a rough afternoon/night dealing with the daughter's I-Phone 5, which she went to update and now it's stuck in "recovery mode"... pretty ironic isn't it : 0..Last 4-hrs of my night wasn't good, but in the end just put the computer and her phone down and decided tomorrow is another day, I'll deal with it then when I'm not so pissed! Took some smoke breaks (next habit to quit after 90-120 days of sobriety), wife allowed me to be pissed which helped and then I went up to bed and read about 4-pgs of SR threads. It's definitely calming for some reason.

I really think I'm able to make a conscious decision to not drink even when I have a rough day. If you recall, when I made the decision to quit I still had a cabinet full of various liquor/alcohol. It's still there and I haven't even taken as much as a "sniff". I think I can look at it, and not make a drink because beer has always been my #1, #2, #3, #4 and #5 choice of booze. Now, I'm not saying that previously I haven't ran out or needed a bigger boost and switched from time to time or within one evening. I saw a couple of posts on FB this morning, which got me thinking about this subject this am..."Sometimes it's not about the mess you made, but about how you clean it up", and "You determine how far you go in life, nobody else".

I basically interpret these as it's up to each of us to recognize we have a problem, have a desire to change it and then fully commit to changing the problem. With me, although it's only been 20-days, my desire/commitment to "no more drinking" because I've never been able to only have one beer or only one 6-pack or one 12-pack, allows me to open the cabinet to get my dog a treat and stare at a large 1.75Ml of Jack and not have an urge to make a drink.

Okay, done rambling and need more coffee. Hope everyone has plans for the weekend to keep them busy. My days are full with my vehicles, home office and conclusion of the Olympics!

Hope everyone has a good Saturday and Sunday and stay focused on things to accomplish this weekend and make it to Monday with more days under your belts!
Happy 20th Sober Day, Briggsy. It feels so good to congratulate you!
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Old 02-21-2014, 11:06 PM
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Old 02-21-2014, 11:07 PM
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Originally Posted by newhope01 View Post
Wow, we really are a busy thread!

Had some bad memories awakened from my past. No anxiety, just kind of flat.

I'm starting to realize that I never dealt with these issues because right around the time these bad memories occurred I was already heavily drinking. Im kind of scared to deal with it as I cannot endure any more pain from it. So, Im feeling kind of flat.. like a defense mechanism or something to that effect.

Just can't go there.. Im just not ready yet. I'd rather just observe it from afar analytically and not involve myself too much in them.

Heh, Im probably not making any sense.. Just had to kind of get my thoughts out. Thanks for listening/reading.
Understand completely I have only been drinking heavily for 6 or 7 months. I had a bad relationship end about the same time that I was diagnosed with PTSD from. Seriously it drove me to an out patient program who got me to understand I need to stop drinking NOW before it progresses. I started drinking because of panic attacks and agoraphobia and have 6 days sober and those feelings are coming back because I fully wasn't feeling my feelings. I feel like my crutch was taken away. And these feelings suck but am on Antabuse so drinking is not an option. I feel somewhat numb or am trying to feel numb so I don't have to remember or deal.

Word of advice everyone, if you think someone is a little off you probably can't help them. 4 different counselors at outpatient are convinced my ex fiance is a sociopath. Run away from them before you have to run to the bottle!!
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Old 02-21-2014, 11:08 PM
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Food For Thought!
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Old 02-21-2014, 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Ilya View Post
Hello everyone. I have to admit, I absolutely can not keep up. I'd like to get to know this group, but I fear I am not very good at getting to know others.

I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.

Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.

I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.

I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.

I can not go out. It was too early.

Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.

Good night all.

I
Ilya, do you have a smartphone? I always have SR up on my I-phone and read the messages while on breaks, lunch, mornings, evenings, etc. It's therapeutic, imo. Think you should check in more, even if no posting, just reading about recovery stories seems to help many here. Did you have a plan before you went out with your friend? Doesn't sound like it, so maybe next time plan ahead. Similar to when I went to my base club/bar this past Thursday. My wife and I decided, we would go, we wouldn't stay long (45-mins), we would order water and we would come back home and eat leftovers as we had planned the day before, before folks had rallied people to go the club that afternoon. It worked for us. Not prying, but do you feel the drink was worth it? The thought of a one night ("F it") and a 12-pk would tick me off so much at this point. Even though you ordered the drink, you could've changed your mind and simply explained to your friend, "geez, what did I do, I may have not told you (insert friends name) but, I'm actually trying to stop drinking". Also, when I made the decision, I told my closest friends which I hang out with the most at the beginning. So, there wasn't one of those "awkward" moments. You'd be surprised how supporting people are and how shocked some are. Those who seem shocked and might laugh and make jokes probably are jealous towards your commitment to changing a negative into a positive in your life. You'll definitely know who are friends and who are merely acquaintances.

It does get easier as the days add up. Most of us here with 15, 17, 19, 20, 21 or 22 days are saying the same message. So hang in there. We've been on each day that you experience already and have made it through it. Hoping to see your days add up again.
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Old 02-22-2014, 01:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Ilya View Post
Hello everyone. I have to admit, I absolutely can not keep up. I'd like to get to know this group, but I fear I am not very good at getting to know others.

I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.

Well, unfortunately I'm here to report that I've fallen and tomorrow will be day one again.

I'm upset because I have a very busy day tomorrow.

I was commiserating with a friend, and I avoided the "awkward" part about me not drinking. And I seamlessly ordered a drink.

I can not go out. It was too early.

Nothing horrible occurred, but I must restart my engine now.

Good night all.

I

Sorry to hear that Ilya, but hey at least you recognise that it was a mistake and it's not like you have a desire to carry on drinking indefinitely. So well done

I heard a new metaphor the other day which interested me,

"Get back on the horse that threw you"

The horse threw you off, just jump right back on!

Hope you're well
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Old 02-22-2014, 02:04 AM
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Its Day 7 for me and feeling good, but I think therein lies my difficulty. I feel fine right now, and I'm confident I will be fine in the coming weeks, lots to focus on and i'm fortunate to be in a position without too many responsibilities and stressors at the moment (To all who are in difficult circumstances I salute you, you are SO strong)

I think my AV has talked me out of going to see the doctor this past week:

"Just go tomorrow"
"Go when you're feeling low"
"You might not need it this time"

Bitter, bitter experience tells me that I can NOT do this alone. Day 31 will roll around and I will be in no-man's land, and then all it takes is a setback, could be something minor, and I bypass the 'I'll just have one drink' stage and immediately want to drink my self to death. I do not know why it comes on so severely and so quickly.

I keep having terrible nightmares, I have mentioned before I used to work in a specialist school and part of the job required me to frequently have to physically restrain young people when they became violent. I was often kicked, hit, spat on and verbally abused. Because i'm a big guy I was often called on to do these restraints, it was incredibly challenging.

One child had a history worse than you can imagine, his case notes were tragic it haunts me how people can be so evil, I felt so sad for this child who was clearly a nice kid, but had suffered so much at the hands of others. I was his specialist support in class, and when he flipped, boy did he flip. We had an interesting relationship as we would get along great, but as soon as he was angry I was the first person to take the brunt of his rage.

He had this scream that I cannot get out of my head, when I had to restrain him he would scream, scream, scream. It's stunning how loud a child can scream, and this sounded inhuman. It was more like a roar, like opening a window to Hell itself and listening in. I would spend hours and days with this boy in crisis.

I often have nightmares about a couple of incidents that happened, replaying themselves over and over and over in my head.

I sometimes wonder if I may have a touch of PTSD, as I was often in physical danger and the job would definatly fall under the category of 'traumatic', it would explain why the dreams repeat and why I can't let it go. Alcohol withdrawal certainly makes them more vivid.

I thought I would share a little about my history because you guys are amazing, I have told others about my past before and how it affected me and they simply did not seem to understand. It's very alienating.

There are many positives though, firstly I have learned a great deal while at the school and after it, I saw both the best and worst of humanity at that place.

Hoping everyone has a strong and sober Saturday,
Make time for yourselves, treat yourselves, get out into the open air, do something you LOVE to do. Sobriety is happening NOW, enjoy it!

Peace to all
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Old 02-22-2014, 03:50 AM
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Morning all! Day 7.

I cannot believe I have made it this far so thank you all for your support. I have not been 7 days without a drink for over 10 years!

Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam View Post
Is it because I've been drinking for 28 years? Because I do not even know life sober? This is such a foreign concept to me. I admit that I've always been the self-proclaimed "party girl" (since 15 years old - well, alcoholic but it just sounds better) and I've thought non-drinkers were just uptight dorks who didn't know how to cut loose. What is more fun - this or sobriety? I have no idea anymore.
Neither do I. Take today as an example. Its a glorious sunny Saturday here in London and what am I doing? Nothing. Sweet FA. Why? Because I dont even know what I like anymore or who I really am but... I'm looking forward to finding out.

Originally Posted by Delphine View Post
Day 11 almost over.

I spend a lot more time thinking now. My thoughts are more lucid, but my cognition is still impaired. I am still getting off track pretty easily and am incredibly moody. I have always had this very harsh inner critic and sometimes I drank to make that voice go away temporarily. The inner critic is still successful in making me feel like crap, but a new voice has also appeared. This voice tells me to be proud of myself for staying sober and to respect the progress I'm making. The last time I was consistently proud of any accomplishments was about 10 years ago.
Again this post amazes me just how others feel the same as I do. I can relate to lots of people here in so many ways and this is just another. Keep up the good work Delphine. You should be proud of yourself.

Originally Posted by Ilya View Post
Hello everyone. I have to admit, I absolutely can not keep up. I'd like to get to know this group, but I fear I am not very good at getting to know others.

I rarely check in. Although, to me, a few times a day is a lot. But it seems like I never have enough time to read up.
Hello Ilya, It's taken me the best part of an hour to catch up and create this reply but it's worth it. Sorry to here your back to day 1 I really am. At least your still a Febbie though Stay strong.

Originally Posted by WBoarder View Post
Visited my first group session, which transitioned to an AA meeting next door. The AA meeting was especially fulfilling because there was so much I could relate to. I think this is drawing day two to an end.
Good work WB and welcome again to The Class of Feb 2014

LS - My day 7 comrade, keep it up mate. I always look forward to your posts because I know we are both at the same stage in recovery. I actually think your coping very well indeed but you have a few demons that need excorcising.

I'd also like to add that I think Dee74 is an outstanding person. Not only beaten the booze but provides us all with so much insight and wisdom to help us through our difficult journeys.

I'm off out now to enjoy the sunshine, take a big breath of fresh air and reminisce about how good this used to feel. I'll probably drop a tear or 2 in the process but it's all part of the healing process.

Thank you all for being here and have a great and sober day/evening/sleep.

HS
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Old 02-22-2014, 04:25 AM
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Good morning everyone
Thank you Briggsy for the perfect quotes once again. And happy day 20 to both of us!
Thank you Dee for your kind words about my issues with this person. I do deserve better. I have evaluated this relationship enough over the years that by this point I know that it is not so much HIM, as my internal, automatic response to him. It is so much like addiction, it's surreal. I can feel my mind and even my body switch to "crazy mode", and my heart starts racing and I start thinking all of this awful things that just make me want to tear my hair out. I honestly thought that this overly dramatic, even irrational, thinking and behavior was linked directly to my drinking, but I guess it's not. I can be a crazy person sober too

It is stifling, but I'm just going to take some time this morning to journal and try to get it out of my system so I can have a good day. I'm terrified that these awful feelings will lead me to a bottle of wine to try to quell them, and I cannot let that happen.

I am sorry for my ranting here, I just want to get past this and feel good again.
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Old 02-22-2014, 04:37 AM
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Day 17
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Old 02-22-2014, 04:38 AM
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Originally Posted by forabetterlife View Post
Heading to bed now but I just spent the past 3 hours texting my ex. He barely texted back it was just me going on and on about everything that's happened with us. It was a waste of time, my heart is racing and my stomach is in knots. This is the kind of crap I would do for years when I was drunk. Now I'm 20 days sober and acting like I'm drinking a bottle of wine. This man and our dynamic is toxic to me and my well being. I know this, yet I am pulled to it anyway, just like drinking. Our relationship, just like mine with alcohol, has run it's course and what is left is unhealthy and I have outgrown it. I honestly do not want to be with him again, I just can't stand the idea of him with someone else. And I know that isn't right either.
Given the choice I guess I'm glad I just caved texting him and allowing myself to feel so obsessive rather caving into drinking . At least I will sleep well and wake up without a hangover. It was the lesser of two evils but still not good for me emotionally at all. I feel weak and desperate.
It sounds like it was almost cathartic for you to go through that while sober. If texting your ex was something you always did while drunk, it was probably impossible to see the true dynamic behind it all. Now that you've done it without simultaneously drinking, the truth stands out a little bit more, it sounds like. To me, it sounds like a big step in the right direction and a whole lot of healthy self-awareness.
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