Class of April 2013 Part 4
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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MsHyde has a really wonderful post that I think accidentally ended up on my other thread, so I'm posting the link here. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3996674
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
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The usual. This is the second time. I have serious booze depression today, which will subside. I'm depressed, but I'll have to kick this effort up 50 notches. Everyone here is cruising along, which is awesome, and I am not April material. Nothing caused it except thinking it was a good idea??!!??!!? I just don't get it. I don't want to bore you fine folks with it. I won't feel like such a loser tomorrow, but I will have to fill my days with a schedule and do other things. I'll report back when I have my stuff together. I know everyone is here to help, but it's too embarrassing right now.
Keep rocking Bandikoots, you are all doing a fantastic job.
Keep rocking Bandikoots, you are all doing a fantastic job.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 31
Originally Posted by DG0409 
MsHyde has a really wonderful post that I think accidentally ended up on my other thread, so I'm posting the link here. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3996674
I'm reposting it here, I think it will be easier for everyone.
Johnny, did you ever try light therapy*? I'm planning to get a lamp for next winter, even if they are on the pricey side (the winters are horrible here, but besides that I love my place). And I love the way you're speaking about the relapse, you have been sober 95*% of the time (and the same applies for me, I had one night of drinking since April 20th where I would have been drinking every other day). (edit: we posted at the same time) Sorry you're feeling a little down, and you're GREAT April material, so hang in there!
DG0409 your posts on days 52 and 55 were very insightful, thanks for sharing all that*! I'm gonna read the emotional management thing too when I have more time. Sorry you've been feeling down, but it's good you are able to deal with all these negative feelings without a drink. And 8 weeks*? That's awesome and inspiring. I think it's important what you are saying at the end of day 55*: this is only the beginning of a long journey, but I thin it's a very rich and interesting journey even if it's difficult sometimes. We have to learn how to change our thinking patterns and it does take a long time.
Sobreia, I'm happy things seem to be going well for you, congrats on 5 week sober*! Usually AD meds take about 10 days to kick in, but who knows*?
Ladybug, way to go, 28 days, awesome*!
BrightFuture I drink waaaay to much diet soda at parties too, spending half of my evening drinking it, the other half peeing it. But it's still better than alcohol. And THEY do enjoy their wine exactly for the reason you mentioned*(I personally am able to stop at three... bottles).
I haven't been on because of some Internet issues, but it seems to be OK now. Still sober, even without my daily SR visits, and that's a good thing, it means I can even stay sober if I don't have access to SR support.
I actually bought some codeine last week planning to get high on that last week-end, and finally threw it away (it's cheap – cheaper than drinking - and you can buy it in any pharmacy in France). I don't know what I was thinking when I bought this. And codeine high is not even that fun, I guess it was that stupid AV guy who took control at some point but I was able to come back and shut him up. I was actually feeling very well and strong, and proud of myself and it felt so much better than being high.
I have been improving my routines. I'm now doing 10 salutations to the sun every morning, and 40 mn of elliptical bike every day. I also started to eat more healthy meals. I'm feeling stronger and less overwhelmed by my emotions. My sleeping patterns are improving, and most of the time my mood is a little more stable.
The sun is back, and even with that, I'm not feeling as manic as I usually feel in the summer. I hope that I'm more stable now I'm sober (I do have some mood swings, but I really feel the bipolar is improving when I don't drink) and exercising, and eating and sleeping better. I know how much a good lifestyle means for bipolar people, I see it on myself every time.
Big news: I'm starting to work again, tomorrow. No teaching, but as a school librarian. It's only part-time, and it an internship kind of thing, but it will tell me if I'll be able to actually become a school librarian. Teaching is mentally impossible for me, the bipolar, the borderline traits and the perfectionism make that I was literally driving (and drinking) myself crazy with that job. I hope that if I'm under less stress at work I'll be able to cope more easily (part of my drinking and drug use on week-ends was due to my need to forget about my job, what I was not able to do).
Have a great sober day, April folks!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4,672
Originally Posted by johnny555
The usual. This is the second time. I have serious booze depression today, which will subside. I'm depressed, but I'll have to kick this effort up 50 notches. Everyone here is cruising along, which is awesome, and I am not April material. Nothing caused it except thinking it was a good idea??!!??!!? I just don't get it. I don't want to bore you fine folks with it. I won't feel like such a loser tomorrow, but I will have to fill my days with a schedule and do other things. I'll report back when I have my stuff together. I know everyone is here to help, but it's too embarrassing right now.
Keep rocking Bandikoots, you are all doing a fantastic job.
Keep rocking Bandikoots, you are all doing a fantastic job.
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Originally Posted by johnny555
Everyone here is cruising along, which is awesome, and I am not April material.
You are definitely one of us here in the April thread. Your AV is working overtime to get you back into the disease. You'd better dang well stick around!
Furthermore, everyone on this thread is fighting a hard battle. Everyone is doing well, yes, but YOU are doing well too, and no one is having an easy time of this. This is a battle for all of us!
Remember that we need you as much as you need us, too. No vanishing
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Pissed. My brother has had his new girlfriend move in with him. So now, instead of drinking all the time, They are smoking pot ALL day EVERY day on my front porch. I am trying not to let what they do affect me. I set up some rules. Clean up after yourself, NO smoke inside the house and keep it INVISIBLE at all times, Curfew at 11, etc etc which everyone said was fair and agreeable. So this weekend I wanted I wanted to go get some frozen yogurt, so I had my mom warn them that I was going to be passing through the front door (which I DONT HAVE to do) so I wouldn't inhale any smoke. I waited for a minute to pass, and went outside. Next thing I know, I am inhaling from a giant cloud of marijuana smoke! I am so angry about this. My sobriety shouldn't be something that somebody else can take away from me. I didn't feel HIGH, but I felt VIOLATED! That was on the evening of day 50. Now, today is what is supposed to be day 52, but I feel cheated in the fact of, can I even still say that?? I told them the next day that it absolutely can NOT happen again. This stupid girl has the audacity to tell me that I didn't allow her enough warning time! Not only that, but it's only been 2 days since we've agreed upon all these rules, and EVERY SINGLE TIME for EVERY SINGLE THING, I am having to get on their case to FOLLOW them. Leaving messes for other people to clean up, staying up and going in and out of the house passed the agreed time. I am trying to move out so I can go live with my husband. I set up an arrangement to where they could have my master bedroom (for CHEAP) I would temporarily take my mom's room and she would move out into the living room for now. (everyone agreed) This way I could use the extra rent money to save up for a commuter car more quickly. Well, the big move was this weekend. They barely helped at all, only to move their OWN stuff into the bedroom. So before I even had my stuff moved out, they were in my bed defiling it, if you know what I mean. Selfish, selfish people. I am just so angry. These people are going to be the death of me. I used to be really close to my brother, but know I am beginning to hate and resent him. If this weren't my brother, I probably would have given him the boot already.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 31
OMG that's so rude! Is there any way you could stop cleaning (to let them see the mess they're making) or are you just gonna go crazy of you do that? (or maybe they won't notice at all that the house is a mess?).
And your sobriety is not blown! You are sober, don't let them take that away from you. Stay strong, you're the one having the sane reaction here.
I really hope you find a solution to this...
And your sobriety is not blown! You are sober, don't let them take that away from you. Stay strong, you're the one having the sane reaction here.
I really hope you find a solution to this...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4,672
Originally Posted by Goat
********. That's your AV telling you to quit this thread so you don't have people you feel you have to answer to.
You are definitely one of us here in the April thread. Your AV is working overtime to get you back into the disease. You'd better dang well stick around!
Furthermore, everyone on this thread is fighting a hard battle. Everyone is doing well, yes, but YOU are doing well too, and no one is having an easy time of this. This is a battle for all of us!
Remember that we need you as much as you need us, too. No vanishing
You are definitely one of us here in the April thread. Your AV is working overtime to get you back into the disease. You'd better dang well stick around!
Furthermore, everyone on this thread is fighting a hard battle. Everyone is doing well, yes, but YOU are doing well too, and no one is having an easy time of this. This is a battle for all of us!
Remember that we need you as much as you need us, too. No vanishing
in this together.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Originally Posted by Goat
********. That's your AV telling you to quit this thread so you don't have people you feel you have to answer to.
You are definitely one of us here in the April thread. Your AV is working overtime to get you back into the disease. You'd better dang well stick around!
Furthermore, everyone on this thread is fighting a hard battle. Everyone is doing well, yes, but YOU are doing well too, and no one is having an easy time of this. This is a battle for all of us!
Remember that we need you as much as you need us, too. No vanishing
You are definitely one of us here in the April thread. Your AV is working overtime to get you back into the disease. You'd better dang well stick around!
Furthermore, everyone on this thread is fighting a hard battle. Everyone is doing well, yes, but YOU are doing well too, and no one is having an easy time of this. This is a battle for all of us!
Remember that we need you as much as you need us, too. No vanishing
Johnny, I started here April 1st, had 3 slips in April and one in May, before I got my **** together. Tomorrow will be 30 days. You can do this, but you have to fight! None of us would be here if we threw in the towel when things got tough. We are here to help each other and maybe dish out some tough love, when needed
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 297
Just dropping in to say hi. Still not drinking, but still spending 90% of my time either furious, tearful, anxious, or too despondent to bother with the work of being depressed. 
But, not drinking. Thus far the only apparent effect of not drinking for more than a month is that I spend more time than usual indulging in melodramatic fantasies of getting to die in the course of heroically rescuing children and/or the planet (self-harm is a sin, but self-sacrifice is noble, says the pop culture and the depressed mind) and my face is slightly less puffy. That's it. Moodier, sadder, more consistently tearstained and likely to burst into tears at no provocation in public or in private, but 1% less puffy. Yay.
(That's why I haven't been posting...I've been half following the Thumper Rule of waiting until I had something nice to say. But, having logged back on and read the last couple pages, it sounds like I'm in good company. Good spirits to DG and Sobriea and Drake and everyone else struggling of late.)
But, not drinking. Thus far the only apparent effect of not drinking for more than a month is that I spend more time than usual indulging in melodramatic fantasies of getting to die in the course of heroically rescuing children and/or the planet (self-harm is a sin, but self-sacrifice is noble, says the pop culture and the depressed mind) and my face is slightly less puffy. That's it. Moodier, sadder, more consistently tearstained and likely to burst into tears at no provocation in public or in private, but 1% less puffy. Yay.
(That's why I haven't been posting...I've been half following the Thumper Rule of waiting until I had something nice to say. But, having logged back on and read the last couple pages, it sounds like I'm in good company. Good spirits to DG and Sobriea and Drake and everyone else struggling of late.)
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by AllieB
Just dropping in to say hi. Still not drinking, but still spending 90% of my time either furious, tearful, anxious, or too despondent to bother with the work of being depressed.
But, not drinking. Thus far the only apparent effect of not drinking for more than a month is that I spend more time than usual indulging in melodramatic fantasies of getting to die in the course of heroically rescuing children and/or the planet (self-harm is a sin, but self-sacrifice is noble, says the pop culture and the depressed mind) and my face is slightly less puffy. That's it. Moodier, sadder, more consistently tearstained and likely to burst into tears at no provocation in public or in private, but 1% less puffy. Yay.
(That's why I haven't been posting...I've been half following the Thumper Rule of waiting until I had something nice to say. But, having logged back on and read the last couple pages, it sounds like I'm in good company. Good spirits to DG and Sobriea and Drake and everyone else struggling of late.)
But, not drinking. Thus far the only apparent effect of not drinking for more than a month is that I spend more time than usual indulging in melodramatic fantasies of getting to die in the course of heroically rescuing children and/or the planet (self-harm is a sin, but self-sacrifice is noble, says the pop culture and the depressed mind) and my face is slightly less puffy. That's it. Moodier, sadder, more consistently tearstained and likely to burst into tears at no provocation in public or in private, but 1% less puffy. Yay.
(That's why I haven't been posting...I've been half following the Thumper Rule of waiting until I had something nice to say. But, having logged back on and read the last couple pages, it sounds like I'm in good company. Good spirits to DG and Sobriea and Drake and everyone else struggling of late.)
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
DG,
Thank you for the encouragement! I am very glad to see you are doing better! 8 weeks, that is incredible, am proud of you too
MsHyde,
Thank you for the encouraging words! Felt calm the first two days on the AD meds but now I am experiencing, what I guess is, the "getting worse before it gets better" type of feeling. Am trying to not get stressed about it and tell myself it takes time to adjust and that it is the medication that is playing tricks on me... Well done for throwing out the codeine! I am very glad to hear you are doing better and feel more balanced, and congratulations on getting back to work! Take good care of yourself and don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Johnny,
I am so very sorry to hear you are struggling. Goat and Ladybug said it so well, great posts. You are not alone, there are many people here who care about you, who share your struggle. Listen to us, not to your AV.
NotSoIvory,
Your situation sounds incredibly hard, I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know about your living circumstances, but is there any way you could stay with a friend for a while to get a break? I completely understand how angry you must be, and disappointed in your family. Don't keep it inside, it will only make you feel worse. A big hug to you.
Thank you for the encouragement! I am very glad to see you are doing better! 8 weeks, that is incredible, am proud of you too
MsHyde,
Thank you for the encouraging words! Felt calm the first two days on the AD meds but now I am experiencing, what I guess is, the "getting worse before it gets better" type of feeling. Am trying to not get stressed about it and tell myself it takes time to adjust and that it is the medication that is playing tricks on me... Well done for throwing out the codeine! I am very glad to hear you are doing better and feel more balanced, and congratulations on getting back to work! Take good care of yourself and don't put too much pressure on yourself.
Johnny,
I am so very sorry to hear you are struggling. Goat and Ladybug said it so well, great posts. You are not alone, there are many people here who care about you, who share your struggle. Listen to us, not to your AV.
NotSoIvory,
Your situation sounds incredibly hard, I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know about your living circumstances, but is there any way you could stay with a friend for a while to get a break? I completely understand how angry you must be, and disappointed in your family. Don't keep it inside, it will only make you feel worse. A big hug to you.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Hey Guys,
Just dropping in to do a quick "Hi" and check-in. I'm over 60 days sober now. Doing pretty well. Doing my once per week continuing care group after my IOP ended. Going to the occasional AA meeting and meeting up with a pretty awesome sponsor once per week. She has me reading chapters 2-4 of the BB right now. Then we'll discuss Steps 2 and 3 before hitting Step 4. I'm also attending daily SMART Recovery online meetings. I'm seeing a therapist every two weeks to deal with some of the harder stuff. And thinking about joining a once per month group called GRASP, it's a f2f for survivors of addiction/substance related suicide of a loved one (my mom).
Anyway, doing ok but really missing the 3 hour/day group sessions! Experiencing some increased anxiety and tension from that routine change, as to be expected. Not surprised. I've cut down on my caffeine intake and drinking herbal tea mostly to try to eliminate the anxiety... It helps but not as much as I'd hoped. I guess the anxiety is just generalized anxiety then, not so much nutrition related. I have decreased my daily exercising so that may have something to do with it as well Need to get back on my running shoes! Lol.
Just dropping in to do a quick "Hi" and check-in. I'm over 60 days sober now. Doing pretty well. Doing my once per week continuing care group after my IOP ended. Going to the occasional AA meeting and meeting up with a pretty awesome sponsor once per week. She has me reading chapters 2-4 of the BB right now. Then we'll discuss Steps 2 and 3 before hitting Step 4. I'm also attending daily SMART Recovery online meetings. I'm seeing a therapist every two weeks to deal with some of the harder stuff. And thinking about joining a once per month group called GRASP, it's a f2f for survivors of addiction/substance related suicide of a loved one (my mom).
Anyway, doing ok but really missing the 3 hour/day group sessions! Experiencing some increased anxiety and tension from that routine change, as to be expected. Not surprised. I've cut down on my caffeine intake and drinking herbal tea mostly to try to eliminate the anxiety... It helps but not as much as I'd hoped. I guess the anxiety is just generalized anxiety then, not so much nutrition related. I have decreased my daily exercising so that may have something to do with it as well
Need to get back on my running shoes! Lol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Thanks, I'm not giving up. I feel really bad, very hung over and hot flashes. I had no intention of going back to booze. I just felt extra stupid and guilty. Anyway, I'll be over it once this hangover wears off.
MsHyde, I never got my stuff together to actually use the lamp. The old ones were incredibly bright, and after I got a headache the first time I used it I never used it again. Now they have the new LED ones that are tiny and rechargeable. They really aren't that expensive, and they focus entirely on blue light, which is the area of the spectrum that actually triggers the creation of serotonin. I have an Apollo made by Phillips. It isn't hard on the eyes and you only need it for 20 minutes a day, but my addict lifestyle prevented my using it and I drunkenly lost the power cord. The LED ones are supposed to be great.
Check this link, this is the one I have but they have more, and they have one that is not rechargeable, that way you don't have to worry about the battery, it is also cheaper. AT $129-$149, it is worth a shot. My depression might be far to severe for that. No light is the sun, lol.
Philips - goLITE BLU energy light Pro rechargeable, international adapters - HF3331/60 - Energy light - Light therapy - Personal care
MsHyde, I never got my stuff together to actually use the lamp. The old ones were incredibly bright, and after I got a headache the first time I used it I never used it again. Now they have the new LED ones that are tiny and rechargeable. They really aren't that expensive, and they focus entirely on blue light, which is the area of the spectrum that actually triggers the creation of serotonin. I have an Apollo made by Phillips. It isn't hard on the eyes and you only need it for 20 minutes a day, but my addict lifestyle prevented my using it and I drunkenly lost the power cord. The LED ones are supposed to be great.
Check this link, this is the one I have but they have more, and they have one that is not rechargeable, that way you don't have to worry about the battery, it is also cheaper. AT $129-$149, it is worth a shot. My depression might be far to severe for that. No light is the sun, lol.
Philips - goLITE BLU energy light Pro rechargeable, international adapters - HF3331/60 - Energy light - Light therapy - Personal care
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by MsHyde
OMG that's so rude! Is there any way you could stop cleaning (to let them see the mess they're making) or are you just gonna go crazy of you do that? (or maybe they won't notice at all that the house is a mess?).
And your sobriety is not blown! You are sober, don't let them take that away from you. Stay strong, you're the one having the sane reaction here.
I really hope you find a solution to this...
And your sobriety is not blown! You are sober, don't let them take that away from you. Stay strong, you're the one having the sane reaction here.
I really hope you find a solution to this...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Sobreia
NotSoIvory,
Your situation sounds incredibly hard, I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know about your living circumstances, but is there any way you could stay with a friend for a while to get a break? I completely understand how angry you must be, and disappointed in your family. Don't keep it inside, it will only make you feel worse. A big hug to you.
Your situation sounds incredibly hard, I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. I don't know about your living circumstances, but is there any way you could stay with a friend for a while to get a break? I completely understand how angry you must be, and disappointed in your family. Don't keep it inside, it will only make you feel worse. A big hug to you.
The goal is to save up money so I can get a car and move in with my husband. (Don't have anyone else I can stay with either.) I feel like that's where I should be anyway. I am trying to leave my place to my mom and my brother, because well, they are family and I don't want them to struggle I guess. But I sure as heck feel taken for granted when I am treated like this. My brother has had a really poor attitude with me ever since I got sober, even after I took him in when he had nowhere else to go. We were pretty close when I was drinking with him all the time. Now he is bitter with me much of the time since I asked him to be more considerate with his drinking and smoking behaviors. (Hasn't been all too cooperative either.) I have to be close to my work. It is a really good job and I can't give it up. I am hoping to move by September. My husband made the sweetest offer to me today though, to give up money that he has been trying and struggling to come up with for something very important for him to help me get a car and get me moved out there sooner because I am struggling. I don't know if I will accept it yet or not, I am still processing, but how amazing is that?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Day 57 for me.
Not much to write at the moment. Thinking I need to get off of SR and on with my day. I think that shows some good progress. For the first while, I really didn't care how much time I spent on SR, but now, I am reaching a point where I need to be productive with my days and work on things other than just not drinking.
I don't feel that I need SR anymore on a daily basis... but I want to stay close on a daily basis anyway, because I know that there will be a time when I need it and if I'm not close, I may not come back when I need to.
Not much to write at the moment. Thinking I need to get off of SR and on with my day. I think that shows some good progress. For the first while, I really didn't care how much time I spent on SR, but now, I am reaching a point where I need to be productive with my days and work on things other than just not drinking.
I don't feel that I need SR anymore on a daily basis... but I want to stay close on a daily basis anyway, because I know that there will be a time when I need it and if I'm not close, I may not come back when I need to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by DG0409
I don't feel that I need SR anymore on a daily basis... but I want to stay close on a daily basis anyway, because I know that there will be a time when I need it and if I'm not close, I may not come back when I need to.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Ivory, That is a really toxic environment. Your brother should be a champion for your sobriety. All of the inconsiderate people hanging out, drinking and drugging, and having sex. It's not f-ing Woodstock, it's your house. Your husband is very nice to offer the money. Maybe you can just pay him back as soon as possible, or your contributions to the household income will make up for it.
AllieB, your fantasies about heroics are probably not far fetched. There was a recent study on Veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. Many were granted Special Waivers to go to war because they had sketchy histories of substance abuse, and arrest. It was shown that by far, people granted Special Waivers outperformed those who were not, in battle. They were consistently decorated for heroism. They were also the ones chosen by commanders for extremely difficult and dangerous missions, because they were fearless and cunning. Many of us probably fall into categories like that.
OK, so I really messed myself up the other day. I am happy, that I feel so bad from drinking. I thought I might die yesterday. Hot flashes, exhaustion, pain, headaches. I could hardly move. Half the normal binge amount and I'm still laid up 36 hours later. I feel somewhat better though, so I know I'll be ok. It's better to get punished for this than not.
AllieB, your fantasies about heroics are probably not far fetched. There was a recent study on Veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. Many were granted Special Waivers to go to war because they had sketchy histories of substance abuse, and arrest. It was shown that by far, people granted Special Waivers outperformed those who were not, in battle. They were consistently decorated for heroism. They were also the ones chosen by commanders for extremely difficult and dangerous missions, because they were fearless and cunning. Many of us probably fall into categories like that.
OK, so I really messed myself up the other day. I am happy, that I feel so bad from drinking. I thought I might die yesterday. Hot flashes, exhaustion, pain, headaches. I could hardly move. Half the normal binge amount and I'm still laid up 36 hours later. I feel somewhat better though, so I know I'll be ok. It's better to get punished for this than not.
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