Class of April 2013 Part 4
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Day 55.
Depression and negative thinking are trying to get the best of me today. Don't feel any sort of danger of drinking... but I am sure those thoughts aren't far away considering where my thoughts are at.
It's really hard to keep the negative thoughts, the loneliness, the sadness, the depression, fear & insecurities from taking over.
I'm not well today.
Depression and negative thinking are trying to get the best of me today. Don't feel any sort of danger of drinking... but I am sure those thoughts aren't far away considering where my thoughts are at.
It's really hard to keep the negative thoughts, the loneliness, the sadness, the depression, fear & insecurities from taking over.
I'm not well today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
I hear you, DG. You have come so far, though, so keep remembering that. When I get down and discouraged I try and think about what everyone on this site keeps saying .... that it takes a good 90 days to start to balance out and that it will be sooo worth it. Stay strong and keep the chin up. You are almost there 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Hi Class,
Hope you are all having a nice weekend.
DG, I am sorry to hear you are not feeling well. I know too well how hard it is to be in the grip of negative thinking, and how difficult it is in those moments to imagine that it does get better eventually. I hope you will feel better soon. I find spending time outdoors helps, and doing some exercise, but I know it can seem an insurmountable task to do anything at all when feeling that way... Perhaps there is someone who can accompany you on a walk or some nice activity, so you don't need to be alone with your thoughts and can find some distraction.
I am approaching 5 weeks now. I am feeling more and more secure in my sobriety with each day. But having stopped numbing myself with alcohol, or blaming alcohol for everything that is wrong in life, I am now confronted with underlying issues that have been suppressed for many years. As mentioned before, I suffer from obsessive compulsive behaviour (in particular compulsive skin picking) and anxiety, and whereas alcohol has certainly not made things better - on the contrary - it is my critical self, perfectionism and lack of self worth that I find hardest to deal with. These combined have in turn made me feel unworthy of attention, affection and respect, resulting in an abusive relationship which reinforced my negative thoughts about myself and my inability to open up to others and talk about my problems.
After quitting drinking the compulsive skin picking has spiralled out of control resulting in severe anxiety. On Thursday I was in such bad state I had to see an emergency psychiatric team. While it sounds dramatic it was immensely helpful.
I was fortunate enough to meet with a very good psychiatrist who recommended I start treatment with an SSRI medication, cognitive behavioural therapy and habit reversal therapy. I have been suffering from obsessive compulsive behaviour for 18 years, and have refused medication, but I think I need to find a way to break the habit so that I am able to deal with the underlying issues that makes me incapable of resisting the impulse to pick. Unless I deal with these issues I think I will be at higher risk of relapsing.
I started taking the medication on Friday, starting on a very low dose, and am feeling ok so far. I don't know if it is possible to notice any effects at this early stage (I was warned I might feel worse before I feel better), but have actually felt more calm - but that might be due to the relief from having allowed myself to break down and ask for help - instead of keeping it all inside trying to hold up a facade.
As part of my effort to deal with my mental issues, I have decided to try to become more active, do things that I enjoy and exercise. I know what makes me feel good, but find it hard to do them when not feeling well - sometimes isolating myself when I feel too ashamed to be seen in public when having picked my face. This sets off a vicious circle where I stay indoors, pick my skin, feel more anxious and blame myself for ruining my life (and my skin).
There is a lot of shame, guilt and remorse involved in all of this, which again contributes to the anxiety and the obsessive compulsive behaviour. Another vicious circle I am sure many can relate to when it comes to alcohol.
Sorry for going on at such length. It felt good to write these things down. I haven't been very active at posting lately, but am checking in from time to time. Am finding SR very helpful and appreciate all the kind support I have received, very much. Am trying not to get stuck by the computer, but instead go out, so that I can break the habit, and relieve stress and anxiety, but I will check in regularly.
Wishing you all the best for the coming week!
Hugs,
S
Hope you are all having a nice weekend.
DG, I am sorry to hear you are not feeling well. I know too well how hard it is to be in the grip of negative thinking, and how difficult it is in those moments to imagine that it does get better eventually. I hope you will feel better soon. I find spending time outdoors helps, and doing some exercise, but I know it can seem an insurmountable task to do anything at all when feeling that way... Perhaps there is someone who can accompany you on a walk or some nice activity, so you don't need to be alone with your thoughts and can find some distraction.
I am approaching 5 weeks now. I am feeling more and more secure in my sobriety with each day. But having stopped numbing myself with alcohol, or blaming alcohol for everything that is wrong in life, I am now confronted with underlying issues that have been suppressed for many years. As mentioned before, I suffer from obsessive compulsive behaviour (in particular compulsive skin picking) and anxiety, and whereas alcohol has certainly not made things better - on the contrary - it is my critical self, perfectionism and lack of self worth that I find hardest to deal with. These combined have in turn made me feel unworthy of attention, affection and respect, resulting in an abusive relationship which reinforced my negative thoughts about myself and my inability to open up to others and talk about my problems.
After quitting drinking the compulsive skin picking has spiralled out of control resulting in severe anxiety. On Thursday I was in such bad state I had to see an emergency psychiatric team. While it sounds dramatic it was immensely helpful.
I was fortunate enough to meet with a very good psychiatrist who recommended I start treatment with an SSRI medication, cognitive behavioural therapy and habit reversal therapy. I have been suffering from obsessive compulsive behaviour for 18 years, and have refused medication, but I think I need to find a way to break the habit so that I am able to deal with the underlying issues that makes me incapable of resisting the impulse to pick. Unless I deal with these issues I think I will be at higher risk of relapsing.
I started taking the medication on Friday, starting on a very low dose, and am feeling ok so far. I don't know if it is possible to notice any effects at this early stage (I was warned I might feel worse before I feel better), but have actually felt more calm - but that might be due to the relief from having allowed myself to break down and ask for help - instead of keeping it all inside trying to hold up a facade.
As part of my effort to deal with my mental issues, I have decided to try to become more active, do things that I enjoy and exercise. I know what makes me feel good, but find it hard to do them when not feeling well - sometimes isolating myself when I feel too ashamed to be seen in public when having picked my face. This sets off a vicious circle where I stay indoors, pick my skin, feel more anxious and blame myself for ruining my life (and my skin).
There is a lot of shame, guilt and remorse involved in all of this, which again contributes to the anxiety and the obsessive compulsive behaviour. Another vicious circle I am sure many can relate to when it comes to alcohol.
Sorry for going on at such length. It felt good to write these things down. I haven't been very active at posting lately, but am checking in from time to time. Am finding SR very helpful and appreciate all the kind support I have received, very much. Am trying not to get stuck by the computer, but instead go out, so that I can break the habit, and relieve stress and anxiety, but I will check in regularly.
Wishing you all the best for the coming week!
Hugs,
S
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Hi all,
Day 28 (4 weeks) and feeling better than I did yesterday. Would have REALLY been disappointed and angry with myself if I had to start all over, again. I mean, I can't belong to 3 classes!
You all are much further along than me, but I still enjoy reading your posts and sharing with you
Day 28 (4 weeks) and feeling better than I did yesterday. Would have REALLY been disappointed and angry with myself if I had to start all over, again. I mean, I can't belong to 3 classes!
You all are much further along than me, but I still enjoy reading your posts and sharing with you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London, UK
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by Ladybug2 
Hi all,
Day 28 (4 weeks) and feeling better than I did yesterday. Would have REALLY been disappointed and angry with myself if I had to start all over, again. I mean, I can't belong to 3 classes! You all are much further along than me, but I still enjoy reading your posts and sharing with you
Day 28 (4 weeks) and feeling better than I did yesterday. Would have REALLY been disappointed and angry with myself if I had to start all over, again. I mean, I can't belong to 3 classes!
You all are much further along than me, but I still enjoy reading your posts and sharing with you
BrightFuture74
Join Date: May 2013
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 24
Day 41. Feeling ok. Went to a pool party yesterday with the kids and drank enough diet soda to fill up the pool but no wine!
Today, I had a strange moment of weakness. I was with my two young kids at our local grocery store and just happened to walk down the alcohol aisle. It is a beautiful Cali day, and many people were selecting their booze of choice for the nice afternoon. I got really pissed that I couldn't enjoy a few glasses of wine, too. why do THEY get to and not me? Kind of silly because I know it wouldn't stop at three. LOL
Got out of there with only a bunch of diet Pepsi and ice cream.
Today, I had a strange moment of weakness. I was with my two young kids at our local grocery store and just happened to walk down the alcohol aisle. It is a beautiful Cali day, and many people were selecting their booze of choice for the nice afternoon. I got really pissed that I couldn't enjoy a few glasses of wine, too. why do THEY get to and not me? Kind of silly because I know it wouldn't stop at three. LOL
Got out of there with only a bunch of diet Pepsi and ice cream.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 729
Hi everyone
I just thought i would log in as it is the start of a new month. Well thats April and May dealt with successfully and June now ahead of us all. Good luck to everyone i hope that abstinence is becoming easier and life more enjoyable as time goes by
I just thought i would log in as it is the start of a new month. Well thats April and May dealt with successfully and June now ahead of us all. Good luck to everyone i hope that abstinence is becoming easier and life more enjoyable as time goes by
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Exhausted and going to head off to bed soon.
Just wanted to stop by and saying I'm feeling a bit better. It's funny how sometimes we get worked up about things that don't even happen. I make myself feel bad by worrying about how I think things are going to go.
It's almost disorienting when it doesn't happen how I imagine.
I'm thankful to everyone on this thread for being there. Sending my hugs tonight.
Just wanted to stop by and saying I'm feeling a bit better. It's funny how sometimes we get worked up about things that don't even happen. I make myself feel bad by worrying about how I think things are going to go.
It's almost disorienting when it doesn't happen how I imagine.
I'm thankful to everyone on this thread for being there. Sending my hugs tonight.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Day 55
Posted my long ramble for the day here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3996582 so I won't repeat it.
Ladybug- Congrats on 4 weeks, that is fantastic!!
BrightFuture- 41 days is awesome, way to go on making it out of the wine section.
Posted my long ramble for the day here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3996582 so I won't repeat it.
Ladybug- Congrats on 4 weeks, that is fantastic!!
BrightFuture- 41 days is awesome, way to go on making it out of the wine section.
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Wow DG, I hope this is the beginning of real change! It sounds like it has been a really positive few days. Sometimes things are hard, but the progress you describe is really encouraging.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
And another thing that I meant to post about.
My step-sister recently got in a bit of trouble for drinking too much. She ended up in jail for a few nights, on top of more of a story that I haven't heard the details to yet. And her embarrassing fiasco happened in such a way that our parents were the first to know and had to go pick her up from jail. Granted, my step-sister was always the one that was getting into stuff like this... I could probably have been just as drunk in the same situation and not have gotten into trouble. But it was only a matter of time I think before something worse happened to me.
It was just a good reminder to me of the troubles alcohol can cause and made me thankful that I'm quit.
My step-sister recently got in a bit of trouble for drinking too much. She ended up in jail for a few nights, on top of more of a story that I haven't heard the details to yet. And her embarrassing fiasco happened in such a way that our parents were the first to know and had to go pick her up from jail. Granted, my step-sister was always the one that was getting into stuff like this... I could probably have been just as drunk in the same situation and not have gotten into trouble. But it was only a matter of time I think before something worse happened to me.
It was just a good reminder to me of the troubles alcohol can cause and made me thankful that I'm quit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 2,294
Day 58 here.. 2 more to go until 2 months. When I first quit, I was going to do two months and then see if I could drink in moderation. If I made two months, then I would know I was not an alcoholic and that I could quit whenever I wanted to.
Yeah right....
So depression and anxiety are creeping back in as I realize the long fight I have. Sunday evening I was supposed to meet a fellow I meet up with now and then. He cancelled at the last minute, disappointing me greatly. For the first time in a while, I just wanted to say f-it and pour a stiff drink.. But then I would feel even worse about things. So I didn't but felt angry that I was put in the situation and angry that I put too much anticipation into the evening.
Oh well.... determined to make it to 60 on Wednesday. One day at a time....
Yeah right....
So depression and anxiety are creeping back in as I realize the long fight I have. Sunday evening I was supposed to meet a fellow I meet up with now and then. He cancelled at the last minute, disappointing me greatly. For the first time in a while, I just wanted to say f-it and pour a stiff drink.. But then I would feel even worse about things. So I didn't but felt angry that I was put in the situation and angry that I put too much anticipation into the evening.
Oh well.... determined to make it to 60 on Wednesday. One day at a time....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Sobreia- Way to go on 5 (almost?) weeks!! It sounds like you are really working to deal with the underlying stuff, and I think that is a really important thing for all of us to ensure our sobriety is secure. It's good that you are able to reach out and ask for help. And don't worry about writing too much... it helps me to ramble on about stuff sometimes, too.
Drake- 58 days is awesome!! One thing I will note is that it doesn't sound like what you really wanted was a drink. It sounds like what you really wanted for the night was just to hang out with your friend. My guess is that 2 months ago, you would have been focused on drinking for the night and not cared as much about the friend. When we get disappointed about things in life, at least the positive thing is that we really care about them. It's good to be at a point where we care about something other than drinking.
Drake- 58 days is awesome!! One thing I will note is that it doesn't sound like what you really wanted was a drink. It sounds like what you really wanted for the night was just to hang out with your friend. My guess is that 2 months ago, you would have been focused on drinking for the night and not cared as much about the friend. When we get disappointed about things in life, at least the positive thing is that we really care about them. It's good to be at a point where we care about something other than drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 4,672
Originally Posted by DrakeCKC
Day 58 here.. 2 more to go until 2 months. When I first quit, I was going to do two months and then see if I could drink in moderation. If I made two months, then I would know I was not an alcoholic and that I could quit whenever I wanted to.
Yeah right....
So depression and anxiety are creeping back in as I realize the long fight I have. Sunday evening I was supposed to meet a fellow I meet up with now and then. He cancelled at the last minute, disappointing me greatly. For the first time in a while, I just wanted to say f-it and pour a stiff drink.. But then I would feel even worse about things. So I didn't but felt angry that I was put in the situation and angry that I put too much anticipation into the evening.
Oh well.... determined to make it to 60 on Wednesday. One day at a time....
Yeah right....
So depression and anxiety are creeping back in as I realize the long fight I have. Sunday evening I was supposed to meet a fellow I meet up with now and then. He cancelled at the last minute, disappointing me greatly. For the first time in a while, I just wanted to say f-it and pour a stiff drink.. But then I would feel even worse about things. So I didn't but felt angry that I was put in the situation and angry that I put too much anticipation into the evening.
Oh well.... determined to make it to 60 on Wednesday. One day at a time....
You can do this. We are very proud of you. !
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