Class of May 2012 part 12
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Just quickly checking in on day 71/27. I'm going to be a little busy for a while, with the Saturday game to write up. I have 9 pages of notes, so it may take a little time. It also means I'm going to have to spend time in my character's head, which, in all honesty, is probably safer than spending it in mine. 
[I can think of a couple of characters that I couldn't have said that about...]
I'll try and be back later to catch up with you all. Have a good day, be kind to yourselves and remember that whatever you're going through, if it's good then enjoy it while it lasts and make the most of it, if it's bad... then keep going.
Love and Hugs to you all, and may your higher power go with you.
[I can think of a couple of characters that I couldn't have said that about...]I'll try and be back later to catch up with you all. Have a good day, be kind to yourselves and remember that whatever you're going through, if it's good then enjoy it while it lasts and make the most of it, if it's bad... then keep going.
Love and Hugs to you all, and may your higher power go with you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Good Morning May Mates!
FP - So glad to hear that you had a pain free day Walking along the beach with the summer crowd gone sounds idealic. I used to own a townhouse at the beach and sold it in 2010. I really got a kick out the sandpipers. They are so small and cute. I would put my feet in the water and the sandpipers would run away really fast and make me laugh. I also enjoyed feeding the seagulls. Nature and animals - two of my favorite things
Saskia - I am so sorry that you only get 4-5 hours of sleep due to the pain. Yet, you still have the most wonderful positive attitude. I hope your tests go well.
Jeni - I think we are all trying to find balance in our lives. Sobriety can be a full-time job. I am amazed and inspired that you work full-time, tackle sobriety and take care of your family. I practice self-soothing activities on a daily basis. Be it watching a tv show I enjoy, taking a bubble bath, drinking a latte or reading a good book. Because I am an introvert by nature - I need a fair amount of downtime to recharge. Especially after an AA meeting. You are amazing and a great source of inspiration for me
Dee - Thank you so much for devoting so much of your time to helping others. I appreciate the wisdom of knowing that increased urges may come from issues that need to attended to. I am sorry to hear about your health challenges. It is refreshing to know that even you have felt "fed up with recovery" and despite that and all that you have faced that it didn't mean giving up!
I would just like to acknowledge how inspiring FP, Saskia and Dee are to me. Sobriety is difficult enough under ordinary circumstances, but facing it while encountering physical pain is just miraculous
FP - So glad to hear that you had a pain free day
Walking along the beach with the summer crowd gone sounds idealic. I used to own a townhouse at the beach and sold it in 2010. I really got a kick out the sandpipers. They are so small and cute. I would put my feet in the water and the sandpipers would run away really fast and make me laugh. I also enjoyed feeding the seagulls. Nature and animals - two of my favorite thingsSaskia - I am so sorry that you only get 4-5 hours of sleep due to the pain. Yet, you still have the most wonderful positive attitude. I hope your tests go well.
Jeni - I think we are all trying to find balance in our lives. Sobriety can be a full-time job. I am amazed and inspired that you work full-time, tackle sobriety and take care of your family. I practice self-soothing activities on a daily basis. Be it watching a tv show I enjoy, taking a bubble bath, drinking a latte or reading a good book. Because I am an introvert by nature - I need a fair amount of downtime to recharge. Especially after an AA meeting. You are amazing and a great source of inspiration for me
Dee - Thank you so much for devoting so much of your time to helping others. I appreciate the wisdom of knowing that increased urges may come from issues that need to attended to. I am sorry to hear about your health challenges. It is refreshing to know that even you have felt "fed up with recovery" and despite that and all that you have faced that it didn't mean giving up!
I would just like to acknowledge how inspiring FP, Saskia and Dee are to me. Sobriety is difficult enough under ordinary circumstances, but facing it while encountering physical pain is just miraculous
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Good morning, May boaters!
Sober Day 8 here -yay! I gave in and took a sleeping pill and slept 7 1/2 hours - heavenly!
Tanja, you were an inspiration to me when you stayed sober when you were going through so much pain with your teeth! Hmmm! I wonder if the pain distracts us from thinking about alcohol? However, I wouldn't recommend that as a way to become or stay sober! I also understand being very introverted. I was that way for many, many years. It still takes me longer than many to recharge my batteries and I prefer living alone (with my rescued cat).
Jeni, I understand the "all-or-nothing" approach only too well. It has it's positive side, for example, we tend to never give up but it lacks a healthy balance and can be a source of both achievement and pain. I'm so happy for you and H that you've decided to take regular time together!
Dee, thank you for the info! I will check out that thread, too. I would never think of you as arrogant, disinterested or passive-aggressive! You are unfailingly kind and understated with your posts. You are our rock!
Soleil, I'm happy to be reading more of your positive posts! You sound like you are in a very good place.
Em, enjoy the game write-up and be gentle with yourself!
To the rest of our gallant band of May banditos and banditas, have a really good and sober Monday
Sober Day 8 here -yay! I gave in and took a sleeping pill and slept 7 1/2 hours - heavenly!
Tanja, you were an inspiration to me when you stayed sober when you were going through so much pain with your teeth! Hmmm! I wonder if the pain distracts us from thinking about alcohol? However, I wouldn't recommend that as a way to become or stay sober! I also understand being very introverted. I was that way for many, many years. It still takes me longer than many to recharge my batteries and I prefer living alone (with my rescued cat).
Jeni, I understand the "all-or-nothing" approach only too well. It has it's positive side, for example, we tend to never give up but it lacks a healthy balance and can be a source of both achievement and pain. I'm so happy for you and H that you've decided to take regular time together!
Dee, thank you for the info! I will check out that thread, too. I would never think of you as arrogant, disinterested or passive-aggressive! You are unfailingly kind and understated with your posts. You are our rock!
Soleil, I'm happy to be reading more of your positive posts! You sound like you are in a very good place.
Em, enjoy the game write-up and be gentle with yourself!
To the rest of our gallant band of May banditos and banditas, have a really good and sober Monday
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Just checking in here. I don't want to make this into a poor me session.
Just want to remain accountable, update anyone who's curious, possibly help anyone who's struggling, by sharing what I'm going through. I finally spoke with my mother. It was not pretty but it was not as ugly as it had been. I have not spoken with my step father, however, at this point, I have no desire to, and cannot see how things will ever be the same. This all has caused me to reflect a lot on life and change. I hate change because I have a fear of the unknown. I tend to dwell on the past, missing or reminiscing, because it has already happened, and I know what happened, so fear of the unknown does not exist in looking at the past. In hating change because of fear of the unknown, very negative feelings take over me. They feel like poison inside my system. Short of ripping out my own insides, I feel great urgency at removing them. I become very impulsive to get rid of them. I usually either lash out with the severity of said lashing out equal to my perception of how much change is being threatened and then drink after because I feel guilty; or I drink which sometimes calms me down and passes me, but the problem still exists, or it fuels my impulsiveness and I lash out exponentially. Since I took drinking out of the equation and both these options involve drinking, I am left with little to work with. I reached a point where I somewhat lashed out. But other than that, I have been sitting with anger, hurt, and worry. Examining them. Trying to figure out how to deal with them. I have gone for a couple walks which has helped, but the motivation to exercise is just not there. I have tried deep breathing when I think to do it which has helped, but only for so long. Then I tried painting my ceiling. Try to be productive, busy, keep progress moving on the new-to-us house so we can eventually fill it with kiddos. And the ceiling came right down on the roller. Frustrated that it meant more work, but determined to keep plugging through the mud, we scraped the whole thing off. We learned our type of ceiling may have asbestos in it. We may have spread asbestos through our entire house. We may be exposing ourselves to this carcinogen. It is insanely expensive to remove, plus I will never feel comfortable that it is fully gone, and therefore feel completely irresponsible raising a child here. We used our vaccuum which does not filter asbestos. It essentially just blows it everywhere. We may never be able to use the vaccuum again which we paid $300 for with wedding gift certificates. I am beside myself. I drove an hour and a half to lab that tests for it this morning and should hear back by the end of the day. This weekend has been a waste of time in regards to getting this house closer to "as done as I want it before having kids." It has been wasted with worry and anger. And I am staring ahead to another week of work. I feel helpless, useless, burdensome, worried, and exhausted. But I am not drinking. And I am trying to find different ways to react. It is very, very hard. Patience is not a virtue I was blessed with, but I have to wait for these results before I know what's going to happen. I hate wishing time to go by because it just means I'm that much closer to another workweek. I know, can't have your cake and eat it too. I couldn't even eat cake if you put it in front of me right now. Anyways, thanks for letting me journal some of this stuff out. I am not looking for pity. Like I said, keeps me accountable, helps me, maybe helps others. Sorry I am not posting to individuals, but this plate of crap I have is about all I can think of and deal with at the moment. But I do hope everyone is having a good day and finding some time not burdened by the beast.
Just want to remain accountable, update anyone who's curious, possibly help anyone who's struggling, by sharing what I'm going through. I finally spoke with my mother. It was not pretty but it was not as ugly as it had been. I have not spoken with my step father, however, at this point, I have no desire to, and cannot see how things will ever be the same. This all has caused me to reflect a lot on life and change. I hate change because I have a fear of the unknown. I tend to dwell on the past, missing or reminiscing, because it has already happened, and I know what happened, so fear of the unknown does not exist in looking at the past. In hating change because of fear of the unknown, very negative feelings take over me. They feel like poison inside my system. Short of ripping out my own insides, I feel great urgency at removing them. I become very impulsive to get rid of them. I usually either lash out with the severity of said lashing out equal to my perception of how much change is being threatened and then drink after because I feel guilty; or I drink which sometimes calms me down and passes me, but the problem still exists, or it fuels my impulsiveness and I lash out exponentially. Since I took drinking out of the equation and both these options involve drinking, I am left with little to work with. I reached a point where I somewhat lashed out. But other than that, I have been sitting with anger, hurt, and worry. Examining them. Trying to figure out how to deal with them. I have gone for a couple walks which has helped, but the motivation to exercise is just not there. I have tried deep breathing when I think to do it which has helped, but only for so long. Then I tried painting my ceiling. Try to be productive, busy, keep progress moving on the new-to-us house so we can eventually fill it with kiddos. And the ceiling came right down on the roller. Frustrated that it meant more work, but determined to keep plugging through the mud, we scraped the whole thing off. We learned our type of ceiling may have asbestos in it. We may have spread asbestos through our entire house. We may be exposing ourselves to this carcinogen. It is insanely expensive to remove, plus I will never feel comfortable that it is fully gone, and therefore feel completely irresponsible raising a child here. We used our vaccuum which does not filter asbestos. It essentially just blows it everywhere. We may never be able to use the vaccuum again which we paid $300 for with wedding gift certificates. I am beside myself. I drove an hour and a half to lab that tests for it this morning and should hear back by the end of the day. This weekend has been a waste of time in regards to getting this house closer to "as done as I want it before having kids." It has been wasted with worry and anger. And I am staring ahead to another week of work. I feel helpless, useless, burdensome, worried, and exhausted. But I am not drinking. And I am trying to find different ways to react. It is very, very hard. Patience is not a virtue I was blessed with, but I have to wait for these results before I know what's going to happen. I hate wishing time to go by because it just means I'm that much closer to another workweek. I know, can't have your cake and eat it too. I couldn't even eat cake if you put it in front of me right now. Anyways, thanks for letting me journal some of this stuff out. I am not looking for pity. Like I said, keeps me accountable, helps me, maybe helps others. Sorry I am not posting to individuals, but this plate of crap I have is about all I can think of and deal with at the moment. But I do hope everyone is having a good day and finding some time not burdened by the beast.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 137
(((OLL))) it is an honor that you feel comfortable venting here.
Fantastic for you that you are able to continue on sober.
There seems to be a common theme here lately about dealing with life newly sober and beyond. Hard work ahead for all of us for sure.
So sorry about the asbestos, that just sounds scary.
Love and hugs to you OLL.
Fantastic for you that you are able to continue on sober.
There seems to be a common theme here lately about dealing with life newly sober and beyond. Hard work ahead for all of us for sure.
So sorry about the asbestos, that just sounds scary.
Love and hugs to you OLL.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
Hey, OLL, I'm not trying to give you an irreverent answer because I know you are hurting. The reality, in my view, is that sometimes life hands us lovely orchids and other times sour lemons! There isn't always a rhyme or reason for what happens, IMHO. The one thing I am sure of is that alcohol doesn't make anything better.
Becoming sober does not per se resolve most problems but hopefully it makes it possible to learn how to resolve issues ourselves and to learn when there's nothing we can do other than accept what has happened.
For example, if you have asbestos in your home, you can't make that magically go away. I agree that's a real bummer. IMHO, best thing is to wait until you get results of the tests and then decide how you want to proceed. Breathing in asbestos for a few days or a week or two is not, as far as I am aware, a major health risk. It's the long-term that matters. Even then, if it is encapsulated it can't do any harm.
If you find that you are continuing to have difficulties dealing with anger, anxiety, etc., have you considered a counselor? That can be one of the most helpful things we can do for ourselves.
Becoming sober does not per se resolve most problems but hopefully it makes it possible to learn how to resolve issues ourselves and to learn when there's nothing we can do other than accept what has happened.
For example, if you have asbestos in your home, you can't make that magically go away. I agree that's a real bummer. IMHO, best thing is to wait until you get results of the tests and then decide how you want to proceed. Breathing in asbestos for a few days or a week or two is not, as far as I am aware, a major health risk. It's the long-term that matters. Even then, if it is encapsulated it can't do any harm.
If you find that you are continuing to have difficulties dealing with anger, anxiety, etc., have you considered a counselor? That can be one of the most helpful things we can do for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
OLL sorry to hear about that but agree with Jeni -- keep hanging on to that thread!
Glad to see Leemzer and Uninvited and SJD back around!
Life here is going well. Had a busy but fun weekend and am hoping to head up to the mountains shortly to admire the aspens in their full final glory, before heading to a dinner party at a friend's house-sit. Will finally get to see how the upper crust lives
No major plans for the week other than work and tinkering in the yard to get it ready for fall/winter. But right now that slower pace feels perfect.
Glad to see Leemzer and Uninvited and SJD back around!
Life here is going well. Had a busy but fun weekend and am hoping to head up to the mountains shortly to admire the aspens in their full final glory, before heading to a dinner party at a friend's house-sit. Will finally get to see how the upper crust lives
No major plans for the week other than work and tinkering in the yard to get it ready for fall/winter. But right now that slower pace feels perfect.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm not making light of your situation but home renovation is enough to send anyone half mad OLL.
Many older homes are riddled with asbestos - basically every house I've ever lived in...I don't know what the laws are there but I know there'll be procedures.
Try not to panic about the health stuff...it's very unlikely the ceiling falling down will have long term effects for you or your family.
It's not what you wanted, it's unforeseen, it's a nuisance, it's scary and it may cost you money you never thought you'd be spending...but you can get through this, sober.
It's just one of those tough periods that happen in life...to drunks and to 'normies' alike.
Lean on your friends - you'll make it through
D
Many older homes are riddled with asbestos - basically every house I've ever lived in...I don't know what the laws are there but I know there'll be procedures.
Try not to panic about the health stuff...it's very unlikely the ceiling falling down will have long term effects for you or your family.
It's not what you wanted, it's unforeseen, it's a nuisance, it's scary and it may cost you money you never thought you'd be spending...but you can get through this, sober.
It's just one of those tough periods that happen in life...to drunks and to 'normies' alike.
Lean on your friends - you'll make it through
D
Sober Mammoth!
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,086
OneLess, we're all here with you. I agree with Dee about house reno. It can be very stressful having everything in chaos for so long. I think it's only prolonged exposure to asbestos that causes an issue, but you may want to call up a professional for an opinion on proper clean up. Good luck to you, girlfriend.
Dweller: Great minds think alike, often at the same time, buddy. Just sent you a PM as you were posting. Glad to hear you're doing well and having fun.
Dweller: Great minds think alike, often at the same time, buddy. Just sent you a PM as you were posting. Glad to hear you're doing well and having fun.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
Thank you guys for your kind words. Thank you FP for offering your time for one to one communication. I just feel like my world is crumbling. Issues with my family, and now issues with my house that have both financial and health implications. My husband does not seem to think this is a problem and we'll figure out the money and we'll have the one room done professionally and just sheetrock the ceiling in every other room of the house. I feel like it's constantly going to leak through and affect us and our future children. We don't have the money to have the whole house professionally ridded of it. I had two 5 minute very scary periods of planning to go get vodka and how good it would feel to stop hanging by a thread. If I'm going to die of lung cancer or mesothelioma, then why should I care about other parts of my health? If I'm going to worry about everything for most of my waking hours, then what's the point of being sober? I'm not going to get anything to drink tonight, but I am completely miserable.
Sober Mammoth!
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,086
Originally Posted by OneLessLonely 
I feel like it's constantly going to leak through and affect us and our future children. We don't have the money to have the whole house professionally ridded of it.
I'm not going to get anything to drink tonight, but I am completely miserable.
I'm not going to get anything to drink tonight, but I am completely miserable.
And about the partially removed/damaged tiles, a professional should definitely finish up the job. For surrounding areas, wetting down exposed surfaces and sponging them off should prevent the dust particles from moving around in the air.
Sounds like you'll be okay once the clean up in that one room is completed and you sheet rock the others. Try Googling "asbestos tile removal" for more details. Hugs to you for staying sober through this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,286
OLL, hang on! This is not an emergency situation. I know it feels overwhelming. Lung cancer and mesothelioma typically occur only after many years of exposure. I know from personal experience how easy it can be to turn anything and everything into a disaster about to happen. As I was growing up and on up to about my forties every ache and pain had me believing the worst was about to happen! Now I look back on that and can't help feeling that it's too bad I wasted so much time on "maybe" and "I'm sure I must have X or Y or Z". I still get a touch of that now and then. It took a lot of counseling for me to mostly get past that --- but it is possible! I think you would enjoy your sobriety much more if you learn to accept the things you cannot change...
I'm wishing you much strength. I believe in you -- that you will stay sober and that, over time, you'll learn to let go of some of the worries.
I'm wishing you much strength. I believe in you -- that you will stay sober and that, over time, you'll learn to let go of some of the worries.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
OLL my dad was a carpenter in the 50s & 60s - he used to come home covered in the stuff...he's still hale and healthy in his 70s...
I'm not denying it can be dangerous...but IMO it's nothing to live in perpetual fear over either...certainly nothing to lose your sobriety over
D
I'm not denying it can be dangerous...but IMO it's nothing to live in perpetual fear over either...certainly nothing to lose your sobriety over
D
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