OneLessLonely

Yes welcome wehav! Always happy to another aboard this May boat/wagon/train. Tell us your story and how you're doing now. You will be so happy you found this site. You can always find something or someone to help you on this road.

Uninvited

OLL thanks for the cool link and I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through.

I just counted the days on the calendar and it's day 58 for me. If you have been reading my posts for the last few weeks you will have noticed I am struggling more and more lately. It's not like it was in the first 6 weeks of sobriety. I think my AV has gotten smarter too. "You have proven it. What's the big deal with a few days of drinking? You can always stop again. You are going to be bored out of your mind for the next 7 hours if you don't go buy a 12 pack. Just think of how nice it would be to crack open that first beer. The feel of it in your hand, etc."

I'm just sitting there minding my own business and the next thing you know I'm seriously debating whether I should drive to the store and buy some right that minute. The feeling has passed today so I'm safe for tonight. But it's really scaring me. It's way stronger than it was in the past and I don't know why. Nothing bad has really happened to cause it. I do have one advantage on you though in that my days of going out with a lot of people and getting drunk and having a blast are way in my past so I don't really miss those "fun" times. My drinking just led to a dull buzz that took away the boredom. Comfortably numb. And I want to return to that? I guess sometimes I do.

I am also scared that I seem to have proven myself that I'm a serial addict. If it's not drinking, it's shopping, or eating, or tobacco, or video games, or books, or something. I just seem to need something to let me escape. I wish I could just relax.

wehav2day

Thanks!

Welllllll, i'm 40 years old, realized drinking was a problem in my life around 2008. Quit for 6 months as a "trial." It was tough at first, but i got into a groove and my life started to improve. After the "trial" period, i thought i had licked the problem and started drinking again. Moderately at first, but within 6 months had fully relapsed. Quit again for 6 months after that, with the help of AA, then relapsed again for over a year until May.

I'm about to finish an outpatient program, which i'm super glad to have found. My life was good before, i have a lot to lose. Life is better now. I get to AA once or twice a week, but am having trouble finding a sponsor. it seems every time i get up the courage to ask someone i like, they are already very busy. I did the first three steps with a sponsor before he moved away, that was great. I know that asking for and accepting support is one of my biggest challenges, so i decided to try this out to add to my options.

I don't want to go back. I still get cravings, my mind still tricks me into thinking i could probably handle "just one." Not every day thankfully, but enough days to want to keep working at this so things hopefully get easier and those moments get fewer and farther between.

51 days and counting.

FrenchPink

Welcome to the Class of May, wehav2day! You've joined one of the best threads on SR. You'll find tons of loving support here in our class of boaters. Glad you're with us, May mate. And congrats on your 51 days.

Leemzer

Welcome to you, wehav2day!

Day 77 here and going strong. So hot outside, hard to have fun. I prefer cooler weather. Have really been wanting to jog but not enough to wake up that early, LOL.

Keep well everyone!
Lee

FrenchPink

Good Thursday evening, boaters! Day 68 here and going strong. Today marked my last day of cat feedings... have I ever mentioned cat duty to any of you before? Ahh, yes... a little more free time, now. And how about us getting another new classmate? How awesome! Welcome again, wehav2day.

You-Rock: Have a wonderful and safe trip to L.A., sobermate. We're all here if/when you need us. I'll be thinking of you. Please bring back pics for us! Hugs to you.

OneLess: Our 60 Days milestone boater today! Yay! Wonderful that your day turned from melancholy to upbeat.

(((Jeni))): Hugs to you on your stressful work week. So happy to hear that you're doing well in sobriety through it all. Hope you can find some time to take care of yourself.

2Mags: Congratulations on 80 impressive, inspirational sober days! Wooo hooo, lady! Excellent.

Emily: So happy to hear that today is a better day for you. Congrats on Day 46! Wishing you strength for Saturday at the pub. Remember that you can always make a quick exit if necessary. We'll all be with you in spirit to keep you strong. Hugs to you.

Dee: Thank you for your excellent advice to OneLess. We all get the benefit of your timely post.

Uninvited: There he is! Great to hear from you again, buddy. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with the AV. We're still all early in our sobriety, so our moods will likely be all over the place. Hoping you can pick up a safe hobby, as opposed to a vice, that can pull you through the boredom and help you relax. Terrific that you are ultimately able to beat down the beast, though. Congrats on 58 days! Big milestone headed your way soon.

Lee: Congrats on 77 days! I'm with you on the early morning deal. I'm such a night owl, and I'll get up early for work or an emergency, but that's about all I've got for morning motivation. Keep up the great work, sobermate.

Saskia: How is everything going with you? I figure you must be deep into your next DIY project or maybe reading up on sobriety strength methods. Please throw us a post when you can.

KittyCat: Wonderful to hear that you had a fun birthday with trustworthy friends! Terrific that you're doing so well on the sober front. Hugs to you.

Hot and muggy here by the ocean. Gotta crank up the AC's before diving into the Rondo again... which I ended up blowing off -- instead of through -- last night. I will keep the laptop on for a while, sober peeps. Love and hugs to all.

HitRockBottom70

OLL, Congratulations on 60 days!
Jar of Hearts is the perfect song to go along with your post.

Welcome Wehav2day! Great to have you jump in this with us!

Uninvited, Congrats on 58 days! We just need to keep pushing forward and believe we can change. I am with you though, My beast is looking back and telling me it was so much nicer to be comfortably numb. I need to remind myself there really was nothing comfortable about it. I was hiding from life. Try making a list of everything bad that happened the last month you were drinking, I bet it will put the beast back in its place.

Here is mine:
I called in sick to work because I was still drunk from the night before.
I had bruises I could not explain the next day.
I was lying to my partner, hiding bottles.
I could not pick up the phone because I was slurring my words.
I forgot to feed my dog.
I was too hung over to do anything productive on my days off.
I got in fights with my partner to have a reason to go out and get a bottle of tequila.
I spilled drinks in my bed.
I had thoughts life was not worth living anymore.
Not so comfortable...

Saskia

Just a quick smoke signal! I've just finished catching up on reading posts while I was "incommunicado" and have lots of you I want to wish good thoughts for, including our newest member! I'll save that for tomorrow or Saturday when hopefully things quiet down just a little.

I've been busy mostly with exercising more (walked to work today) and this evening went out to dinner with a friend and then a local play that was really excellent. Just got home and am about to crash. I've also been working on eating better. Finally had a great night's sleep last night.

So it's all good. OLL, *hugs* -- sounds like you've been having a rough time but are pulling out of it. Emily - you have been doing so well and I'm sensing a bit of questioning. You will be ok! FP - glad to hear your cat duties are at an end -- sounds like you'll never please my cousins, the crazy cat ladies. And many hugs to all of you.

Will write at greater length soon!

Soberjanedoe

Conratulations Oll!

Welcome to the group wehav2day!

This morning I went to the gym then had a healthy breakfast and then studied a bit. I'm feeling much more stable and in control of my thoughts today. I'm grasping the chapters I'm reading which is good as well. I don't know if I told you guys but I'm taking Maths, Chem and Bio at Uni which are all subjects I haven't done past grade 10.

ThursdayNight

Great job, Emily!!!!!

ThursdayNight

Helllooooo there Wehav2day!

Come on in, the water's great!!!! Jump right in, glad you joined us!

ThursdayNight

Uninvited, I remember once reading something that said, "You can have anything you want, as long as it's not alcohol." So don't beat yourself up if you are buying books or video games or whatever. You deserve to reward yourself a little right now, plus you are looking for things that might hold your interest. Give yourself a little slack. The tide will flow back and things will normalize and you'll end up finding something that intrigues you/inspires you/motivates you, and soon you will find that you are not bored. Maybe explore something that interested you when you were much younger, or get lost in a fabulous book, or work on a project that would feel like you are accomplishing something. Even volunteer work might be interesting.

Hang in there sobermate!

ThursdayNight

Okay, FP, since your cat feeding duties are over, I'm back to my original Avatar.

MalkavianEmily

Day 47. And another cold, wet, grey morning. Not a chelsea morning, whatever one of those is, although since I don't know, maybe it is. Woke up abruptly. I forgot that it was Friday and that they get mum up early. But apart from all that, it's not a bad day.
This last week has been... tricky. It's had its ups and downs, but nothing really to complain about, unless you hate sitting on buses. So why do I feel so 'meh'? Not down, just... 'meh'.
Some people talk about pink fluffy clouds. Well, I'm starting to think it would be nice for a while. And then I realise that when they go away... So I'll keep plugging away.

I've got to write up Tuesday's game. Which will be interesting. The problem isn't that getting into my characters' heads is difficult, it's that sometimes getting them to shut up when the game's over... can take a little time. Lying awake with your thoughts running round your head is bad enough. When it's somebody else's thoughts... But when you've spent more than seven hours in their head, and it's late, or rather it's early in the morning and you're dog tired... [Tina, I am so looking at you right now.]
[cough] I'm digressing, and possibly sounding a little mad right now.

But this is me. Tired, but basically happy. Catherine's been... irritating the last few days. Oh yes, Catherine, of course I'll be fine tomorrow if I get ratted today. Of course I won't want to do it again. And again. Then again, since you're so sure, what say we don't find out, eh?
When I shut my eyes, I see myself opening a bottle, and she's saying, actually, I'm not sure what she's saying. I think she's just smiling.

I finally got my copy of 'The tao of sobriety' the other day from Amazon marketplace. The guy had been on holiday, so I had to wait for ages. Anyway, there was a bit in there where it asked, 'what does your drug of choice say to you?'
And the words that came to mind were from [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F26NlO8PtR0"]this.]
So why the **** am I even thinking about picking up?

wehav2day - welcome to SR, and welcome to the class of May 2012. Congrats on your 51 days. We're a generally nice bunch of folks here. And I'm sure you'll get plenty of help, support, and encouragement. In fact I know you will

Uninvited, OneLessLonely - I know exactly what you mean. In some ways, I think the struggle is a good thing, at least I hope it is. As somebody said, the AV's getting desperate, and so it's throwing everything it can at us. If we can hold out through this, then... it will get better.
And 'Comfortably numb'? Catherine used to love the first verse of that...

And OneLessLonely, congratulations on 60 days. Two thirds of the way to the much talked about 90.

Leemzer - congrats on day 77. As for the weather, I'll quite happily swap for a day or two.

HitRockBottom - great idea, I'll think about my list later, and I'll try not to forget.

Saskia - thanks for the encouragement. It's probably just loneliness - or is that just why the phone bill's going to be a lot higher this month? Glad you're sleeping well again.

SoberJaneDoe - all big heavy subjects there, but you'll do fine. Once you get back into the swing of things, your brain will remember what it needs to do.

Dee - thanks for those words to OLL. They're what I needed to read this morning as well.

Anyway, I've got to get on with some writing now. Or should I do the shopping first. Either way, I need to be gone for a while. Have a good day folks. More importantly, have a sober day, because you deserve it. Be nice to yourselves, because you deserve that too.
Love and hugs to you all. And may your higher power go with you.

Dee74

I felt meh for a long time Emily...I think a lot of people can feel meh too, whether they're alcoholic or not...I think it's especially so with those who are carers...and I know a few.

Maybe you should cut yourself a little slack...

You're the best judge of knowing whether this malaise is something passing you can deal with or whether you might need outside help...

The important thing is to remember a drink will not change anything here - although it might serve to make things worse.

You're also the best judge of how much danger this puts you in recovery wise,,,if you need support, look for it and ask for it Emily...

If you're like me, it's hard to do at first but...be your own best friend, Emily
Treat yourself gently
_
D

Leemzer

I totally agree here. Most of us have drunk for so long I am convinced we have to learn who we really are....and this could mean that we find out maybe we were depressed in the first place (and maybe not). But the only way to find out is to quit entirely. And for sure, as Dee said, a drink will only make things worse, never better. A drink never makes anything better. I have definitely learned this.

ThursdayNight

Dee, your new avatar - - - hilarious!

ThursdayNight

Leemzer: "A drink never makes anything better."

Too bad I can't tattoo this on my wrist as a constant reminder. Those are indeed words to live by.

ThursdayNight

Lee, by the way, what is your avatar? My eyesight is terrible but it kind of looks like a fireball in a garage. What is that?

ThursdayNight

An idea just struck me. I'll go to the bead store (jewelry making supplies) and buy the letter beads, A D N M A B. I'll make a bracelet with those letter beads so I can wear the reminder on my wrist! My own private code by which to live.