One Year and Over Club Part 4
In my Own Little World
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Champaign, IL
Posts: 368
I'm sitting here...2:30am and kind of reeling. No, not kind of. I am reeling. I don't even know where to begin.
I think I mentioned before that I don't actively go to AA but I kind of loosely do AA of sorts among other programs. I kind of blended several of them together to fit into something that worked for me. A lot of this was encouraged and helped along by a great mentor and what many would call a sponsor, I guess that I met on another board called Booze Free Brigade over on ***** boards. He was an older gentleman with over 30 years sobriety, extremely intelligent, similar interests, similar childhood...just nearly everything I had a problem with he either had an answer or knew how to comfort me and told me "I just don't know, Alexis."
Anyways, I responded to an email of his that he wrote to me originally Friday on Tuesday afternoon....I still hadn't heard back from him and was kind of worried but saw him on Skype this week and didn't think anything of it. I just didn't feel like talking so I never messaged him and kept myself offline.
I find out tonight that I am a horrible person. He wasn't the one online on skype. It was his wife leaving his PC on. My dear friend, mentor, impromptu/informal sponsor passed away in his sleep Tuesday morning.
I have no idea who I will turn to as he was my rock in sobriety. He taught me so much, lead me out of dark places, lead me out of my own head, I feel....just...like a lost lamb. I feel guilty for what feels like avoiding him the last couple of weeks. I should know better. Appreciate every single day you have with every single person. I don't have many people in my life! And now here's one less. It's such a huge blow to me.
I'm a little delirious, I need sleep as it's now 3:30am...I hope everyone has a better Sunday than I will.
I know I was so blessed to have met him and had him impart his knowledge on me and it's the negativity and acoa tendencies coming out in me but I still cant help but feel guilty. I really loved that man and my heart is so broken tonight. I haven't felt pain like this since my grandpa passed away in 2007.
Love to everyone, and in memory of Mike,
Hugs,
Alexis
I think I mentioned before that I don't actively go to AA but I kind of loosely do AA of sorts among other programs. I kind of blended several of them together to fit into something that worked for me. A lot of this was encouraged and helped along by a great mentor and what many would call a sponsor, I guess that I met on another board called Booze Free Brigade over on ***** boards. He was an older gentleman with over 30 years sobriety, extremely intelligent, similar interests, similar childhood...just nearly everything I had a problem with he either had an answer or knew how to comfort me and told me "I just don't know, Alexis."
Anyways, I responded to an email of his that he wrote to me originally Friday on Tuesday afternoon....I still hadn't heard back from him and was kind of worried but saw him on Skype this week and didn't think anything of it. I just didn't feel like talking so I never messaged him and kept myself offline.
I find out tonight that I am a horrible person. He wasn't the one online on skype. It was his wife leaving his PC on. My dear friend, mentor, impromptu/informal sponsor passed away in his sleep Tuesday morning.
I have no idea who I will turn to as he was my rock in sobriety. He taught me so much, lead me out of dark places, lead me out of my own head, I feel....just...like a lost lamb. I feel guilty for what feels like avoiding him the last couple of weeks. I should know better. Appreciate every single day you have with every single person. I don't have many people in my life! And now here's one less. It's such a huge blow to me.
I'm a little delirious, I need sleep as it's now 3:30am...I hope everyone has a better Sunday than I will.
I know I was so blessed to have met him and had him impart his knowledge on me and it's the negativity and acoa tendencies coming out in me but I still cant help but feel guilty. I really loved that man and my heart is so broken tonight. I haven't felt pain like this since my grandpa passed away in 2007.
Love to everyone, and in memory of Mike,
Hugs,
Alexis
Journey of Recovery
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
Posts: 621
A giant ((((HUG)))) to you lotus on the passing of your friend.
You aren't a horrible person. He knew how you felt about him all along during the time of your friendship.
We are here for you. ♥♥
Sondra
You aren't a horrible person. He knew how you felt about him all along during the time of your friendship.
We are here for you. ♥♥
Sondra
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Lotus—
Horrible person? Please. Do you think such a wonderful man would befriend a horrible person? More likely, he viewed your friendship as a precious gift. How wonderful is it that you had a chance to give him that gift in the final season of his life? And now awesome is it that you had the chance to get to know him?
RZ is so right. It's amazing when you think about it: Your friend's wisdom and compassion can live on through you, to be passed along every time you help others—folks who will unknowingly pass his spirit along to even an wider circle of people.
Horrible person? Please. Do you think such a wonderful man would befriend a horrible person? More likely, he viewed your friendship as a precious gift. How wonderful is it that you had a chance to give him that gift in the final season of his life? And now awesome is it that you had the chance to get to know him?
RZ is so right. It's amazing when you think about it: Your friend's wisdom and compassion can live on through you, to be passed along every time you help others—folks who will unknowingly pass his spirit along to even an wider circle of people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,474
Alexis i don't think I can say it any better than those before me have. You have been blessed to have known him and him you, and now you can keep his wisdom alive by passing it on. I am terribly sorry for your loss.
The only thing I would add, is that you can and will get through any challenges that life may throw your way...... look how far you have already come. You have plenty of people here who care about you. Huge huge hugs.
:ghug3
The only thing I would add, is that you can and will get through any challenges that life may throw your way...... look how far you have already come. You have plenty of people here who care about you. Huge huge hugs.
:ghug3
In my Own Little World
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Champaign, IL
Posts: 368
Thanks everyone. I didn't mean to hijack the thread. I am just having such a hard time with this. Time will heal, I know. But I keep checking my inbox waiting for mail that will never come. A small portion of the people on the other site have started going through their messages to post words of wisdom he gave them. The best I could manage was move his messages into one folder.
I appreciate the love, thoughts, and appreciation you all have shown me. I am going to try my best to not do what I always do which is draw into my own little shell and seclude myself off from everyone. He never liked that and it was something we always worked on together. My other goal at the request of his wife yesterday: finish my resume and get it out so I can get some interviews for Canada and get better job opportunities. Sooner rather than later.
That, my friends, is my goal for tonight. I have had 2 lines on my resume for the last 6 weeks I wanted to finish, then I was going to have Mike look over it. I will have to settle for his guardian angel reading it over my shoulder now.
Hope you all have a wonderful day.
I appreciate the love, thoughts, and appreciation you all have shown me. I am going to try my best to not do what I always do which is draw into my own little shell and seclude myself off from everyone. He never liked that and it was something we always worked on together. My other goal at the request of his wife yesterday: finish my resume and get it out so I can get some interviews for Canada and get better job opportunities. Sooner rather than later.
That, my friends, is my goal for tonight. I have had 2 lines on my resume for the last 6 weeks I wanted to finish, then I was going to have Mike look over it. I will have to settle for his guardian angel reading it over my shoulder now.
Hope you all have a wonderful day.
In my Own Little World
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Champaign, IL
Posts: 368
Lyddie, I have been thinking a lot (nonstop) about your post since you made it. What can I do? His message was always the following: It's not just about being sober. It's about being happy, joyous and free while being sober. Living life to it's fullest. He said quite often that he better be sliding into the grave sideways from the roller coaster (of life) saying "Oh s**t!" (from having a good time).
How can I honor him? Staying sober. How can I remember him? Several ways. Of course, staying sober. Duh. Although, I would be lying if for a fleeting moment, I didn't think to myself when I heard this news "I really wish I could just numb this all away. This hurts so freaking much." (Except not so eloquently, of course.) Fortunately, that went away just as quickly as it came. Secondly, getting OUT of my apartment. He would always get SO frustrated with me at never doing anything and staying holed up on my computer playing my video games, doing nothing. "You'll never meet anyone, have a social life, or do anything fun in that virtual world of yours." He suggested line dancing for beginners...I don't know about that. I really don't know where to begin though. I love books...a lot. A book club? I also love classical music. I can't afford the symphony all the time (like maybe twice a season) or lessons anymore. Any ideas? I can't stand working out, nor can I afford a gym membership. I'm a huge nerd, I love geeky things: museums, (did I say books?), computers, and nature/hiking. Again in southwestern Ohio there's no real big areas for hiking. I am getting a new bike given to me to in the spring time from a co-worker. Anyways...getting way tangential. Sorry.
Lastly...as I said, he was my primary rock in sobriety, who I turned to. We had such similar childhoods, ACoA tendencies, intelligence levels, computer interests....the only thing that separated us was 41 years of experience on his part. Eventually I am going to have to find something to not replace him, that's impossible. But someone that can help fill in the gaps and holes that are left. That means again, at his urging, I will have to try some AA meetings. I have tried several already. I haven't found any that were good or that I clicked with. I will have to try more. And if those don't work...I will have to try some Al-Anon meetings, I suppose. I don't mean to find a sponsor, persay (but who knows, I won't shut out the possibility), but someone to talk to or maybe some people to talk to. The internet can be a lonely place sometimes.
Anyways, I have rambled enough.
Thanks for reading/listening.
How can I honor him? Staying sober. How can I remember him? Several ways. Of course, staying sober. Duh. Although, I would be lying if for a fleeting moment, I didn't think to myself when I heard this news "I really wish I could just numb this all away. This hurts so freaking much." (Except not so eloquently, of course.) Fortunately, that went away just as quickly as it came. Secondly, getting OUT of my apartment. He would always get SO frustrated with me at never doing anything and staying holed up on my computer playing my video games, doing nothing. "You'll never meet anyone, have a social life, or do anything fun in that virtual world of yours." He suggested line dancing for beginners...I don't know about that. I really don't know where to begin though. I love books...a lot. A book club? I also love classical music. I can't afford the symphony all the time (like maybe twice a season) or lessons anymore. Any ideas? I can't stand working out, nor can I afford a gym membership. I'm a huge nerd, I love geeky things: museums, (did I say books?), computers, and nature/hiking. Again in southwestern Ohio there's no real big areas for hiking. I am getting a new bike given to me to in the spring time from a co-worker. Anyways...getting way tangential. Sorry.
Lastly...as I said, he was my primary rock in sobriety, who I turned to. We had such similar childhoods, ACoA tendencies, intelligence levels, computer interests....the only thing that separated us was 41 years of experience on his part. Eventually I am going to have to find something to not replace him, that's impossible. But someone that can help fill in the gaps and holes that are left. That means again, at his urging, I will have to try some AA meetings. I have tried several already. I haven't found any that were good or that I clicked with. I will have to try more. And if those don't work...I will have to try some Al-Anon meetings, I suppose. I don't mean to find a sponsor, persay (but who knows, I won't shut out the possibility), but someone to talk to or maybe some people to talk to. The internet can be a lonely place sometimes.
Anyways, I have rambled enough.
Thanks for reading/listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SoCal
Posts: 4,491
Lotus - Perhaps you can honor him by finding his voice within your own thoughts and ramblings. It definitely sounds like you can "hear" what he would say about what you are thinking, feeling, doing or not doing. Or perhaps finding some ritual that you can do to honor his memory - set aside some time to just let go of your thoughts and remember him. Sometimes just sitting still for a short while makes getting up and doing what needs to be done easier. Wishing you peace as you make your way through your grief and loss.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Wow, lotus, really interesting to read what you wrote because I am on a big kick about living life to the fullest. A few minutes ago I posted on my December 2010 class thread (how cool is it to have to include the year now?) that on a whim I bought a ticket to a concert in LA after work on Wednesday, something I never would have done while drinking. I hesitated because I probably won't get back home until 3 a.m., and it's in the middle of a busy work week... but then I said to myself, "Self, shut up and go. What's the point of being sober if you don't live it up?" I want to push myself out of my comfort zone on multiple fronts—to make plans to go out with friends more often, maybe join a writing group or take a photography class to meet more people... that sort of thing.
Anyway, now I'm off on a tangent... My point is that I'm not sure what activities would the right thing for you to do, but it sure sounds like you would make your friend very happy by stepping out a bit more. Why not a book club, as you mentioned? And since you have a bike coming, maybe they have organized bike rides in your area? I bet on meetup.com you could fine all kinds of cool group activities in your area.
Thanks for posting about that. It really validates my own efforts to get out and shake things up a bit. (See? You're already spreading your friend's wisdom!
)
Anyway, now I'm off on a tangent... My point is that I'm not sure what activities would the right thing for you to do, but it sure sounds like you would make your friend very happy by stepping out a bit more. Why not a book club, as you mentioned? And since you have a bike coming, maybe they have organized bike rides in your area? I bet on meetup.com you could fine all kinds of cool group activities in your area.
Thanks for posting about that. It really validates my own efforts to get out and shake things up a bit. (See? You're already spreading your friend's wisdom!
)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Lotus, I'm so sorry for your loss. How great is it that you had the privilege of knowing him! I know you will be fine, and I feel he will be watching over you. When ever you feel a little nudge to get out there and do something know it is him.
I have been hesitant to make changes in my life because I was protecting my sobriety, but I feel like his words, through you, are a wake up call that being sober is just the beginning....really living life and embracing it, warts and all, the goal
Digression...RZ, did you make Andy Rooneys Estate Sale?
I have been hesitant to make changes in my life because I was protecting my sobriety, but I feel like his words, through you, are a wake up call that being sober is just the beginning....really living life and embracing it, warts and all, the goal
Digression...RZ, did you make Andy Rooneys Estate Sale?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SoCal
Posts: 4,491
Originally Posted by LaFemme 
I have been hesitant to make changes in my life because I was protecting my sobriety, but I feel like his words, through you, are a wake up call that being sober is just the beginning....really living life and embracing it, warts and all, the goal
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SoCal
Posts: 4,491
Originally Posted by Murray4x5
D'oh!
Sorry Lyddie, if you were holding the door open for me the last two days. I totally forgot the 4th of the month was coming up.
20 months How mind-blowing is that?!!!!
Sorry Lyddie, if you were holding the door open for me the last two days. I totally forgot the 4th of the month was coming up.
20 months How mind-blowing is that?!!!!
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