Class of April 2011 pt2
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Better today guys. I'm going to return to where I was before that awful phone call. I'm going to furniture shop and brush the horses. Then I will get my energy on and take care of the little grandpeople so their mom can tile their bathroom.
I am so glad to have SR. I just come here to check in--although the newcomer thread has mostly people I don't know...it's starting to really be cyclical.
I did drink some (the "I can moderate phase") after the funeral. Stayed pretty sane and drove the two days home. But when I got home and had to face the house with a hole is my world, I headed straight for the bar and dove in. Phil allowed it because recovering from drinking is better than straight up grief. That bar wasn't fun enough, neither was the next. Wednesday was hell. On and on. I'm two days clean again. I'm not going to be fanatical about days, but I'm going to try to pull my life together.
My sister died of a heart attack--but she smoked and was a heavy drinker. She seemed to have consumed an entire bottle of vicodin and 24 PM pain pills in the two days before she died. It's all related. Her health wasn't what it should have been because she couldn't take care of herself--much like I can't.
So yesterday I was sitting on my couch and started having PVCs. I do that sometimes, but I just straight up panicked. I put on shoes, packed my book bag and headed for town (we live in the country). I snagged my husband from work for lunch then I did the important thing. I sad in a park near his work and read for a couple of hours. Centered myself in this great love of mine. Then I could go home. I didn't do much, just waited for Phil to cook dinner and turn on a movie. Then I laid my head in his lap and went to sleep. Now it's day two and I feel some energy.
I don't get a chance to do anything about my sister. She had just re entered the family after about five years absence. She was back about a year and I didn't get to see her--she had lived in Utah and I'm in Washington. But she wound up in California with my other sister and I know she knew she had help if she wanted it. The California sister is a long time member of AA and took Mary to meetings with her. But she couldn't do it. She left my sister's beautiful home where she had her own room and everything she could ever want to move into a single room, shared kitchen in the home of a stranger--so she could be near her adult children and, no doubt, smoke and drink.
So here we are. She didn't die of acute alcoholism, but of the malaise of not taking care of herself. I honestly hope she was so high that she didn't know enough to feel bad about it. We buried her ashes with my parents--she was 55. My mother had been 49 when she died, my father 60. All substance abusers. I'm a substance abuser, sisters two and five are substance abusers. Wow. What does it take?
Sorry for the long post. I'm guessing few will read it, but it's important for me to frame it.
Taking care of myself--so my kids don't have to go through what we just went through. I'm still viable enough to be part of their lives.
I am so glad to have SR. I just come here to check in--although the newcomer thread has mostly people I don't know...it's starting to really be cyclical.
I did drink some (the "I can moderate phase") after the funeral. Stayed pretty sane and drove the two days home. But when I got home and had to face the house with a hole is my world, I headed straight for the bar and dove in. Phil allowed it because recovering from drinking is better than straight up grief. That bar wasn't fun enough, neither was the next. Wednesday was hell. On and on. I'm two days clean again. I'm not going to be fanatical about days, but I'm going to try to pull my life together.
My sister died of a heart attack--but she smoked and was a heavy drinker. She seemed to have consumed an entire bottle of vicodin and 24 PM pain pills in the two days before she died. It's all related. Her health wasn't what it should have been because she couldn't take care of herself--much like I can't.
So yesterday I was sitting on my couch and started having PVCs. I do that sometimes, but I just straight up panicked. I put on shoes, packed my book bag and headed for town (we live in the country). I snagged my husband from work for lunch then I did the important thing. I sad in a park near his work and read for a couple of hours. Centered myself in this great love of mine. Then I could go home. I didn't do much, just waited for Phil to cook dinner and turn on a movie. Then I laid my head in his lap and went to sleep. Now it's day two and I feel some energy.
I don't get a chance to do anything about my sister. She had just re entered the family after about five years absence. She was back about a year and I didn't get to see her--she had lived in Utah and I'm in Washington. But she wound up in California with my other sister and I know she knew she had help if she wanted it. The California sister is a long time member of AA and took Mary to meetings with her. But she couldn't do it. She left my sister's beautiful home where she had her own room and everything she could ever want to move into a single room, shared kitchen in the home of a stranger--so she could be near her adult children and, no doubt, smoke and drink.
So here we are. She didn't die of acute alcoholism, but of the malaise of not taking care of herself. I honestly hope she was so high that she didn't know enough to feel bad about it. We buried her ashes with my parents--she was 55. My mother had been 49 when she died, my father 60. All substance abusers. I'm a substance abuser, sisters two and five are substance abusers. Wow. What does it take?
Sorry for the long post. I'm guessing few will read it, but it's important for me to frame it.
Taking care of myself--so my kids don't have to go through what we just went through. I'm still viable enough to be part of their lives.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 94
Missy, my thoughts are with you and your family. 
Hang in there. If you ever need anything there's a wealth of knowledge and experience here, and others who have been through your hell.
How is everyone else doing? For me, April feels like it was over a year ago. Out of my addictions I keep falling back to cigarettes. It's been about a week since my last one though.
Good luck everyone!
Hang in there. If you ever need anything there's a wealth of knowledge and experience here, and others who have been through your hell.How is everyone else doing? For me, April feels like it was over a year ago. Out of my addictions I keep falling back to cigarettes. It's been about a week since my last one though.
Good luck everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Spain
Posts: 298
Missy, I am so sorry to hear this. Words fail me. I send you a big hug. You are in my prayers. If you want to vent out, may I suggest you to join too the "class of july" thread, that is much more active?
Sorry, english is not my first language
Sorry, english is not my first language
Member - sober since 4-22-11
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Fairfax, VA
Posts: 45
Missy7 - Sorry for your loss. Reality can be so bitter sometimes. None of us gets out of here alive. Be easy on yourself.
Just passing through in a hurry, but hadn't checked in for a while. 103 days without a drink... wish I felt better about it. But there is more to life than having or not having booze. Used to think I felt crappy sometimes because I was hung over. Now I just feel crappy with no reason. And then I feel guilty for not being thankful for all that I have. Maybe I'm just tired.
Time to find some dinner.
Good will to all.
Lee
Just passing through in a hurry, but hadn't checked in for a while. 103 days without a drink... wish I felt better about it. But there is more to life than having or not having booze. Used to think I felt crappy sometimes because I was hung over. Now I just feel crappy with no reason. And then I feel guilty for not being thankful for all that I have. Maybe I'm just tired.
Time to find some dinner.
Good will to all.
Lee
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Luton UK
Posts: 58
Back here again after a relatively quiet period.
Any postings after Missy7's seems rather trivial, so I'm a little hesitant ....
Today is Day 101 for me.
I'm proud of myself for having achieved that period of abstinence, but I haven't had to face the challenges of a scale like that of Missy7.
Nevertheless, I had hoped that staying off the booze would be getting much easier by now.
Most of the time it is. But then, from nowhere, it's suddenly a huge challenge.
I stopped posting on this forum, as (for a while) I thought that I should stop obsessing about alcohol, and despite all the wondeful help and support available on this forum, I did wonder if it contributed (in my own case) to a tendency to continue focusing on alcohol rather than just getting on with my (new) life.
But I'm struggling again at the moment, to be honest: toughing it out through willpower and constant self-coaching. My wife is supportive, but I've always played my alcohol problems in a low-key way with her. She hasn't a clue how much of a struggle it has been.
Between us, my wife and I have lost 5 close relatives in 12 months, and my best friend died last week at just 50 years of age. I've known her since my school days, some 30 years or so. Life can be cr*p sometimes, can't it?
I've also moved house in the last few days: a totally new start. I am optimistic that this will signal the beginning of a new and happier phase, although the logistics of the move have been stressful - predictably so, I guess. The removal company proved to be a poor choice - quite a bit of damage to some bits of furniture. Not to worry - they're only "things". We've moved to a small village in rural Bedfordshire, UK. It's a small community so it should be realtively easy to meet new people and build new relationships - I hope so, anyway. The house is in a poor state of repair, so I'm hoping that this will give me plenty of DIY projects to occupy my evenings and weekends - especially as there are three quaint English pubs within 5 minutes walk of our new home!!
Anyway, if you've managed to read all this .... thank you.
I'm going to try, once again, to get some sleep now. It's 5.00am here, and the dawn chorus is just beginning .... noisy bl**dy birds !!!!!
Any postings after Missy7's seems rather trivial, so I'm a little hesitant ....
Today is Day 101 for me.
I'm proud of myself for having achieved that period of abstinence, but I haven't had to face the challenges of a scale like that of Missy7.
Nevertheless, I had hoped that staying off the booze would be getting much easier by now.
Most of the time it is. But then, from nowhere, it's suddenly a huge challenge.
I stopped posting on this forum, as (for a while) I thought that I should stop obsessing about alcohol, and despite all the wondeful help and support available on this forum, I did wonder if it contributed (in my own case) to a tendency to continue focusing on alcohol rather than just getting on with my (new) life.
But I'm struggling again at the moment, to be honest: toughing it out through willpower and constant self-coaching. My wife is supportive, but I've always played my alcohol problems in a low-key way with her. She hasn't a clue how much of a struggle it has been.
Between us, my wife and I have lost 5 close relatives in 12 months, and my best friend died last week at just 50 years of age. I've known her since my school days, some 30 years or so. Life can be cr*p sometimes, can't it?
I've also moved house in the last few days: a totally new start. I am optimistic that this will signal the beginning of a new and happier phase, although the logistics of the move have been stressful - predictably so, I guess. The removal company proved to be a poor choice - quite a bit of damage to some bits of furniture. Not to worry - they're only "things". We've moved to a small village in rural Bedfordshire, UK. It's a small community so it should be realtively easy to meet new people and build new relationships - I hope so, anyway. The house is in a poor state of repair, so I'm hoping that this will give me plenty of DIY projects to occupy my evenings and weekends - especially as there are three quaint English pubs within 5 minutes walk of our new home!!
Anyway, if you've managed to read all this .... thank you.
I'm going to try, once again, to get some sleep now. It's 5.00am here, and the dawn chorus is just beginning .... noisy bl**dy birds !!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
For the record, Aprillers, I'm still here, still checking in. I haven't got a handle on things yet, but I know I need to. I'm good some days,less so some others. I need to make a couple of major changes.
I hope you all are having a good summer.
I hope you all are having a good summer.
Member - sober since 4-22-11
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Fairfax, VA
Posts: 45
Thanks D. At some level, I feel that things will turn out OK no matter what. You know, don't sweat the small stuff, and it is all small stuff. I think the sameness, day in and day out, takes quite a while to get used to. It is quite different from the roller-coaster ride of continual substance abuse.
Lee
Lee
I'm here to learn!
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: I'm on it!
Posts: 2,038
Hi all -
Never stopped in here before... I flunked out of the March class (
) and went through rehab.. yadda yadda yadda.. and now here I am, clean since 4/12/11!
Good job to all of us! Things are starting to really settle into a "normal" feel.
Never stopped in here before... I flunked out of the March class (
) and went through rehab.. yadda yadda yadda.. and now here I am, clean since 4/12/11!Good job to all of us! Things are starting to really settle into a "normal" feel.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 392
Missy, I am so sorry about your sister. I don't know what to say except to pray for your comfort and understanding.
AllLies, I am sorry to hear about your best friend. And will also pray for your comfort and understanding.
Welcome Josh!
I am so glad to see everyone. I have been on vacation in VA/MD. Had a blast and without alcohol. I don't think I have ever had a vacation without alcohol. Keep up the good work Aprilers
AllLies, I am sorry to hear about your best friend. And will also pray for your comfort and understanding.
Welcome Josh!
I am so glad to see everyone. I have been on vacation in VA/MD. Had a blast and without alcohol. I don't think I have ever had a vacation without alcohol. Keep up the good work Aprilers
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
Hey guys. I'm alive! And planning to stay that way.
Something has happened--I posted it so I won't restate it. But I feel different after going way too far.
I did get hold of some antidepressants, which I am not sure I will take, but if I can't sleep I will do so.
I'm staying in April because that's when I joined. Am I supposed to go to the month I finally get sober in? I hope not. I wanna stay here. Hey, if I make it this time I will have made it pretty quick considering.
Next on the agenda--meetings!
Something has happened--I posted it so I won't restate it. But I feel different after going way too far.
I did get hold of some antidepressants, which I am not sure I will take, but if I can't sleep I will do so.
I'm staying in April because that's when I joined. Am I supposed to go to the month I finally get sober in? I hope not. I wanna stay here. Hey, if I make it this time I will have made it pretty quick considering.
Next on the agenda--meetings!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 74
Missy, you're an Apriller -- I hope you stay here!
I saw your other post -- I'm glad you're okay...sounds like a frightening experience for both you and your husband, and I'm glad to hear you have your husband's support. My husband is very supportive of my sobriety, although he is not an alcoholic himself.
What kind of meetings are you going to go to? I've been going to AA meetings, and it is really working for me -- I'm glad I finally went and stuck it out.
Greetings to everyone else, I hope you are all doing well!
I saw your other post -- I'm glad you're okay...sounds like a frightening experience for both you and your husband, and I'm glad to hear you have your husband's support. My husband is very supportive of my sobriety, although he is not an alcoholic himself.
What kind of meetings are you going to go to? I've been going to AA meetings, and it is really working for me -- I'm glad I finally went and stuck it out.
Greetings to everyone else, I hope you are all doing well!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Portland
Posts: 1,631
I'm going to hit AA meetings this week and I have a line to women for sobriety.
I feel pretty strong, although it's a little weird because we usually drink all day Sunday.
I hope all are well and strong this nice afternoon.
I feel pretty strong, although it's a little weird because we usually drink all day Sunday.
I hope all are well and strong this nice afternoon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 74
Good luck with those meetings, Missy, I hope you find one that really works for you. I was also interested in Women for Sobriety but, unfortunately, they had no groups/meetings in my area -- so I went to AA. When I first tried AA, I went to a bunch of different meetings (I'm fortunate to have A LOT of meetings in my area). I now have a few that I really like and go to all the time. I can honestly say that, for me, it has saved my life. Everyone's journey is different, of course, and what works for me may not work for you -- but I think the important thing is to be doing SOMETHING. Putting down the drink just isn't enough. I also have a very good therapist -- between the two I'm recovering slowly but surely...
Whatever path you choose, hang in there. It's not easy all the time, but it does get better and better!
Whatever path you choose, hang in there. It's not easy all the time, but it does get better and better!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 74
...and while I'm still online I just want to say hi to everyone! I hope all is well, and that everyone is having a peaceful, sober day. My day is a bit lazy today, and I'm loving every lazy minute of it
I am SO grateful to be sober today...and just want to share that with all of you!! Today is 106 days for me...and I never, ever believed I could live without alcohol. What a journey!
I am SO grateful to be sober today...and just want to share that with all of you!! Today is 106 days for me...and I never, ever believed I could live without alcohol. What a journey!
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