Dee74

continued from here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2011-a-20.html

D

ttqttfg

Wow we got so big we had to go to a Part 2. Pretty significant I think. We must be doing something right.

Glad I made it here because I didn't last time.

How's all my Apriler peeps doing?

lovetorun

Thanks Dee

ttqttfg, this Apriler is doing good I'm happy to say! It is not always easy, but interestingly I'm not struggling with the desire to drink -- I like being sober. Once in awhile I'll "romanticize" drinking, but I talk myself out of that fantasy land pretty quickly. What I find difficult is dealing with all these FEELINGS! Wow! Alcohol was truly the great anesthetic for me...I numbed pain and I had amnesia. But now....holy cow! Memories, feelings, and working on constructive ways to deal with these things...it's learning how to live a whole new way.

Glad to see we are now on Part 2 on the Daily Support Threads...I think it is significant too. We've made progress! Here's to working our way to Part 3!

Dee74

way to go you guys

D

indakut

I have had a tough 48 hours at work and in personal life. My district supervisor decided not to pay me for 9 hours that I had worked. Just chose to go to bed when I felt like drinking. Woke up refreshed...Thank you Lord! Day 71. Going to a graduation party @ a former drinking buddy's house. Pretty confident that I will not drink. If anything, I will probably wonder how many times I made a fool of myself in front of these people.

Proud of everyone here....Press on

Dee74

good for you indakut - sorry about the rip off.

Have a good weekend everyone

D

sos22032

Glad to hear that everyone is doing well and making progress on the recovery path.

I too have been sort of drifting through some kind of haze. Did not realize that I'd been away for 10 days. Had another scintillating scotoma incident that kind of derailed my plans for that day, and makes me wonder what is going on with my nervous system. All the reading I've done on SS suggests that there isn't much to be done for them, that they are often associated with migraines and sort of come and go on their own. I'm thankful that at least I'm not getting the painful migraines.

This is day 53 for me. I've had a few days were I wanted to drink without any particular triggers. And am still surprised that I'm not thinking about the red wine that I used to love so much. Lately I've been craving bourbon whiskey, neat. I think it is a flavor memory, similar to how something like fresh baked bread might pop into my head. I'm not craving the intoxication effects of the whiskey, just the drinking experience. I suppose if I had developed a habit of beating my head up against a wall and then stopped, at some point I might miss that also. People get addicted to the endorphin rush from cutting their flesh, so I suppose it is not any stranger to get an attachment to the burning sensation and flavor notes of strong booze in your mouth and nose. Fortunately, if you ignore it, after a while it goes away.

Had a good day out with 10 friends from work on Friday. Went rock fishing on a charter boat out of Chesapeake Beach, MD. Left at 6:30 AM and had caught our limit of 2 rock fish per person (18" minimum length this time of year) by 8 AM. Went south in the bay and caught silver perch and spot the rest of the trip. Was back in around 2 PM. Normally I would have drank about a dozen beers or more on this annual fishing trip, and would have been in good company. Even though I told everyone that it would not bother me if they drank, I was surprised at how little beer drinking went on during this trip. My best friend said that he forgot to bring beer. I think it was a combination of my friends not wanting to tempt me too much and the reality that I probably encouraged others to drink in the past. Anyway, while I would have enjoyed the beers, it wasn't as much of a hardship doing without as I had anticipated.

Well, time to shower and head to work. Hope everyone has a great and sober day.

Lee

ttqttfg

I'm tired of this emotional roller coaster. How can I be doing so well one day and so depressed and unhappy the next. Is this all there is? I thought by now things would be a lot better. I'd be happy all the time and life would be great. But it seems like it's the same as before.

Is this worth it?

BakoGal

Hi April 2011 Friends!

I hope you all are doing well! I feel like I turned a corner last week and the urges have subsided a bit. Although I have been avoiding social situations which involve drinking as much as I can. The thing I am struggling with right now are the feelings of abandonment from some of my closest friends. Now that I don't drink it feels like they are avoiding me. I can't blame them as back in the day I wanted nothing to do with people that didn't drink. But, it still hurts. Pretty sad/silly that some of my closest friendships will end because I don't drink alcohol anymore?

ttqttfg-I think the emotional roller coaster is normal. We are still very early in our recovery. I think it is worth it. Don't you feel great waking up without a hangover?

Would love to hear from everyone and what activities/hobbies they have taken up to replace the drinking.

lovetorun

hello all, was out of town for several days and wasn't able to check in with SR...had to leave suddenly to attend a wake/funeral, and this was my first one without the assistance of alcohol...I'm exhausted, but I did it. There were a few times I really wanted to just say F-it, just one drink to deal with the stress...and then had to deal with my internal anger that I am an alcoholic and can't have just one drink...there is no such thing for me.

ttqttfg -- I can relate about the emotional roller coaster. I don't feel great every day...emotionally. Physically it is wonderful not to be hungover...but emotionally I'm all over the map. I have a therapist I've been working with for years...finally had to go back to weekly sessions, which I really can't afford. But I found that all my emotional baggage was just waiting for me to sober up so I could pick it up and sort it out...I'm not enjoying it, but I know it is work that needs to be done. I am hopeful that this healing process just needs time...in fact I think I'll go so far as to say that I am confident the healing process just needs time. So hang in there...let's give time a chance...

Dee74

sorry for your loss lovetorun - I'm glad you're back with us though

I just basically got more active BakoGirl - no new hobbies, I just got back into the ones I had.

ttgffg - I think it's worth it

The emotional rollercoaster thing really levelled out for me in the 60-90 day period, but however long it takes for you, it will be a finite time - a mere blip compared to the rest of your life....

it's got to be better than your old drinking life, right?

D

ttqttfg

Sorry to hear that LTR. Glad you made it through.

Thanks for the words everyone. I know it's worth it, I just need to hear it from someone else every once in a while.

Yes I love not waking up hung over. I guess i'm just still learning how to deal with everything. From emotions to my wife and kids to work, etc. It was just so easy to drink all the troubles away and not deal with any of it. Part of me still wants that easy way out I guess. But that just created more problems I guess and around and around the vicious circle went.

The other part is this. I wouldn't say life is boring now. But before I spent so much time on my drinking. Where was I going to get the money today, how would I sneak it in, what would be my excuse to keep going out to the garage for another beer. How would I hide it and try to cover up my beer breath. And so on. The thrill is gone I guess is what I'm saying.

Any of that make sense? Don't get me wrong, I'm still very busy with all the stuff I always neglected. Guess I'm saying life is dull, I don't know.

Well that's enough rambling for now I guess. Good to hear from everyone. Seems like our class has dwindled to just a handful.

So day 72 and still hanging. Later everyone.

Dee74

The only thing I did when drinking was watch TV and get more beer....or sit at a mates place, watch TV and get more beer....


I know you're not starting from that level...you have a family etc...but the point is it took me a while to build up my life again, to find excitement and joy and interest...but I did, and it was well worth the wait

D

lovetorun

BakoGirl -- I found myself doing a jigsaw puzzle the other night! I never, ever, ever would have thought I could enjoy putting a puzzle together in my free time. And I certainly never would have done it while involved in all my drinking drama...in fact, I didn't even realize we had jigsaw puzzles in my house

I also started playing board games with my family when time allows -- again, things I never did while all wrapped up in drinking. In fact, if you would have asked me I would have said that I hated board games. Or cards.

Last but not least, I am hoping to get back into decent running shape again...that is something I used to love to do but have really neglected for many years...that's why I picked the username lovetorun. When I committed to sobriety, I was also hoping to "find myself" again. I'm still out of shape, but I am trying...

ttqttfg -- do you feel you are grieving? I felt a sense of loss in your words, which is something I felt myself. I felt like I lost my best friend and life would never be the same, and that I would miss that friend forever and the void would never leave. Just curious if that's where you're at...because at least then as time goes on that cloud would eventually lift. I'm actually having moments now where I find joy in simple things which I never did before. Like how happy my dog is when I walk in the door. I used to walk right by him to get to my bottle and pound one down. Simple, dull things now seem...well, somewhat appealing to me now. But who knows -- I could wake up tomorrow and feel that loss again and spend the day angry at the world and depressed...I'm still not out of the woods with that yet. But I'm working on it. I'm finding that AA meetings and therapy are helping me a lot...I know that is not everyone's cup of tea, but it is working for me.

Note to all my fellow Aprilers...I have to head back out of town again this weekend and may not be able to check in here for a few days, so I want to wish you all peaceful, happy and sober days ahead.

Dee74

have a good weekend lovetorun

D

ttqttfg

L2R - yeah that's part of it. I was out with a friend the other day and he had a very yummy looking beer. I wish I could just have one and enjoy it then stop. My wife mentioned a restaurant tonight where I never want to go again because I know I can't drink their beers anymore. They have the best microbrews there.

I feel a lot of regret lately because of all the lost years with my wife and kids. So why don't I want to spend every possible moment with them. Instead of coming home and being self absorbed in drinking I will either work or do housework or lots of times just want to go to bed (even though I can't and don't). Where's all the energy and excitement I expected?

The thing lately that keeps reminding me of all the wasted years is this. It just happened again tonight. I was flipping through movies on Netflix with my son. We come across a movie and he'll say "remember that movie dad?". And I know I watched it but I can't remember when or what the movie is about.

There's so much I don't and can't remember over the past 20 years or so of drinking. I can't even remember much of my childhood like others seem to be able too.

So that's kinda what I'm dealing with right now. Been wanting to type that out for some time now.

Anyway, have a good night or day everyone.

Dee74

It took many months for my memory, and my enjoyment of life to come back, to come back ttqttfg - if you drank like me, we drank - hard - for years, remember.

When you look at it, we recover quite quickly considering.

Give it time, mate

D

lovetorun

well turns out I do not have to go out of town this weekend (which is actually a tremendous relief!) so here I am...

ttqttfg -- there is so much you wrote that I can relate to. The regret over the lost years with your kids (I was a single mom for a lot of years, only newly re-married a year ago) is something I struggle with too. Even as I type this I feel myself beginning to cry, because I think of what a great kid my son was (he is now 19) and how I spent his ENTIRE life so far drinking/drugging/hungover. When he was young he would wake me up, I was usually passed out on the couch hungover, and ask me if we could play a game. I would say something like, sure, but mommy needs to rest for a little while, so we'll play later. Well, "later" most often never came. It breaks my heart into pieces to think of it...and I can never get those years back with him. It is very hard to have to accept this -- the guilt, the regret are overwhelming sometimes. Now being an adult he does not want to play games with me -- when I said before I now play games with my family, I mean with my daughter, now 11, who can still be roped into willingly...once in awhile. And I always have to force myself to do it, because it does not come naturally for me. Baby steps. At least with her I sobered up before her entire childhood was over...but that doesn't always console me. I work on this with my therapist -- if you don't have one, it really does help a lot. I just came back from a session this morning.

I can also relate to being out with your friend having the yummy beer, and your wife mentioning a particular restaurant. When I was away for the wake/funeral, my sisters-in-law were enjoying ONE drink together one evening. One drink! The next night they SHARED one! This is something I can't do and I resent it sometimes...I feel left out, and I just want to be "normal." But I'm an alcoholic, and I need to accept that. One drink = ten drinks for me. Or more. Accepting it is not easy though. For this AA is helping me...I know a lot of people don't do AA, but some sort of recovery program could be very helpful...white knuckling it didn't work for me. This isn't my first attempt at sobriety, but I want it to be my last.

The restaurant you never want to go again...well, my daughter is having a "graduation" coming up (5th grade graduation). My ex-husband recommended we go out to lunch afterwards to a particular pub that I absolutely love...and ALWAYS drank at. I am not sure how to handle this yet...but I absolutely hate that this is an issue now for me. How do I go without drinking?

This graduation will be the first of one of my kids events that I am sober for...I drank though all their birthdays, graduations, first communions, confirmations, etc., etc. It makes me sick to think about it.

Wow, I really rambled on here! I need to run out now for a bit...sorry for being so wordy, but your post really spoke to me in many ways. Thanks for sharing! I do think this takes time...we are very new at this. I have to remain hopeful and confident that the psychological struggles will get better.

Have a great, sober day.

lovetorun

ttqttfg -- I need to clarify something in my previous post. I am not suggesting that AA and therapy is the path for everyone, and I hope you don't read my post that way -- it took me awhile to get into those things. I just think that doing something, anything, which is geared specifically towards recovery, is a good thing. Getting up every day and doing something proactive towards maintaining sobriety and healing from decades of abuse is positive action for me (not always easy though). At first I spent weeks reading recovery memoirs (Drinking: A Love Story, Lit, Dry, Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore, etc.). Then I looked into SMART and Women for Sobriety. I ended up with AA and therapy...for now. Feeling like I'm actually doing something is helping me through the emotional/psychological highs and lows of early sobriety.

And now I am going to stop "talking" and sit back and take a breath

ttqttfg

Hey L2R I'm glad you don't have to go out of town this weekend. Thanks for your reply. It's always good to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with a certain issue.

Luckily my kids are still kind of young (14, 12 & 7). But like you it's hard to get myself to do stuff with them. I guess I'm still a selfish person. I've always felt that alcoholism is a very selfish disease.

No I didn't take your comments in a bad way. I'm not doing AA or seeing a therapist or anything. I know that's probably not a good thing; not the best way to handle my sobriety. All I have is SR and a few friends that I feel I can talk to (although they are not alcoholics).

I’m a shy, private person so the thought of talking to a therapist or talking in front of a group brings me great anxiety. So for now I am “white knuckling” it as you say. I am trying to read some books, if for nothing else to remind me why I’m quitting and why I never want to go back there. Although I’m not much of a reader so I start something and never finish it.

I guess the bottom line is that it just sucks to have to deal with problems and emotions. It was so easy to just drink them away (or so I thought). For most of my adult life that’s what I did.

But I’m learning. Some days are better than others. I just wish I could flip a switch and be “normal”, whatever that means. I know, like Dee and others have said, it’s going to take time.

Well have a great day. Thanks again!

T