BoozeFree

MJ how was that BBQ? And good question on who we want to be. As of right now I just want to continue to stay sober.

Well it's back to the daily grind tomorrow. Had a pretty good weekend over all.

Dee74

I used to imagine who I could be all the time....what I didn't realise then was that every drink took me farther away from that possibility.

I really see now how alcohol affected me - it really changed my perceptions about myself and my world, and other people - my alcohol fuelled POV was dark and bitter, full of criticism and self loathing...and it never wore off completely, even when I was sober.

It became the norm. That's really scary even now to think of that.

I spent 20 years despising myself - it made it easier to think 'who cares' and drink.
When I finally stopped drinking, my perceptions changed, my world changed, and I changed.

I'm pretty close now to the guy I wanted to be - I'll never get there completely but that's ok - perfect is for angels, lol.

But loving myself, genuinely and honestly, warts and all is a real gift that sobriety has bought me.
You deserve that too GFCO.

We all do

D

ReadyAndAble

Wow, some really thoughtful posts here. So great to come here at the end of the long weekend and see all this support. I feel really lucky to have this group.

mygrandfather

I feel the same way, all the time when I come here. I hope I contribute to your lives as much as all of you do to mine.

01:42 in the morning here in the NorthWoods. I'm up after a long night, a bar, a camp fire with conversation and general goofiness, a boat trip on the lake to star gaze (which completely blew my mind), and then a late late night round of cooking here in the cabin with my brother and his girlfriend. All done and enjoyed while perfectly sober. Not a drop. That's the person I want to see more of. The person who turned down a direct offer of a shot and also was able to be social and not be so afraid to join the conversation.

First things first: I caught a Muskie, a 40" Muskie, one of the most mind blowing things I've ever done. The thing was massive and it fought even bit my brother's hand. Unreal. I will post a pic asap.

Problem is...a first Muskie means congratulatory shots. I was totally not ready for that when a friend from the resort said --it's on me what are you drinking? I kinda panicked, I felt that moment of unease, of wavering. I didn't know what to do. So I said "I'll take the honor of the shot" or something like that meaning I accept your congratulations but I'll stick with the Pepsi. Took two times to get the message across and I think she was a bit hurt but she didn't pursue it after that. Man it was weird and I know I got flustered and even felt myself starting to perspire because I didn't know if I just ruined the party or not.

But the moment passed and they went on doing their thing and it was ok. Then it was just a fact, he's not drinking.

If you can believe it, it was like that moment of life flashing before one's eyes I thought I was seeing all of this work go down the drain and I didn't want to see that happen. I was thinking through how disappointed I would be just a sip into that drink.

GirlFromCo, that will be tough and uncomfortable thing to do, to open up to your future in laws like that. But you may find there is compassion and understanding there. Connie may never have reached out to anyone, you can go down a different path, now is the time. Just my two cents.

Two more cents: Drunks snore, loudly. Cabin walls are thin.

Soph

YES.

MGF, congratulations on catching that huge whopper. I love fishing but I also feel sorry for it when I catch one. Kind of sappy I know.

Even bigger though, is well DONE on your turning down that shot!! That, my friend, took real guts and courage. Color me impressed!!

Every day we have a choice. And today my choice is...I am not drinking.

Thanks for being here everyone. You all rock, you know that.

BoozeFree

Congrats on the gnarly fish MGF!!!! and turning down that shot, thats great you stuck with the pepsi instead!

And like Soph said, my choice is to not drink today too!

Off to work I go...
Have a great day everyone

Maryjan

Thanks for asking about the party...I was sober, most were drinking, but it was pretty low-key. I had fun, I laughed, I put my kids to bed sober and was so ******* proud. I also got in bed and had an After Eight mint, just like my grandmother used to every night. The inner me is, in fact, my grandmother.

Maryjan

P.S. Soph, what are the books you rad every day for wise thoughts? I meant to get them, but I never did.

Soph

Well the truth is, I have a huge sack at home in my closet FULL of recovery books...a couple BB's, Women's Guide to 12 Steps, Living Sober, The Little Red Book...and a ton of Al Anon Books, and others...)

The two DAILY book I consult which have become really important for me are,
1. The Language of Letting Go (Melody Beattie)
2. Keep It Simple

Both are daily books so you just read one reading a day to hold onto. They are also on the Hazelden website which you can google. I don't think I am allowed to cut and paste web links to sales places. But also Amazon has them I am pretty sure!!

Hooped

Wow.. some amazing thought provoking posts here lately. Thanks so much for all the food for thought folks!

I really don't know what I desire to be at this point. Other than lifting the despair and self-loathing that alcohol brought for so many years I'm finding that the fellow I'm discovering underneath is really not such a bad guy after all and I kinda like him.

I'm becoming more and more aware that my 'best before' expiry date is a finite amount of time so I better make the most of it. Every day, every minute counts ..and I dont want to spend it in the despair of an alcoholic haze.
The little toddler whose picture is taped to my fridge deserves the best epilouge I can give him.

My life is evolving and I'll have some major choices in the direction it takes coming up shortly. I stand a much better chance of making wise decisions with a sober train of thought

40" Muskie Mgf? That is HUGE.
Have you ate any of it yet?
I love making pancakes and fish (usually rainbow) for breakfast when we're out at the lake.

Maryjan

VC, where are you?

Non-booze related...I saw the sonogram of my very small new one today! All looks good, and I burst into tears (again) then went and ate a huge bagel sandwich.

Dee74

excellent MJ!

D

GirlFromCO

Yay MJ! MGF, congrats on the fish. You should have it stuffed and hang it on your wall BF, glad to hear you're doing well. Hooped, I like what you wrote about making better decisions now... I feel the same way despite the fact that I don't have as clear a vision of who I am like some here (luckies!!). Hi Dee

VC?????? Wherefore art thou?

Soph

Hi all, just in from a meeting.

I wanted to say something because I guess it seems like from my posts that I am some together or wise or "lucky" person who knows exactly what she is doing.

I am not, and I don't.

Every day is a struggle for me. Every day I still face cravings in the evening. I still have issues, I still have stress and I still even cry, not over having something wonderful like a pregnancy, but over the sheer "screw up" factors of My Life. I am in my mid forties and NOTHING is the way I had planned it. Nothing.

Things are starting to seem hopeful for me, which is recent and which I can attribute to sobriety. And that gives me the courage to stay positive and keep looking ahead. There is light ahead.

I try to stay positive in my posts and a lot of it actually is for my own use as much as anyone else. But the truth? I am living one day at a freaking time. I could disappear from this forum in a snap, the way many of us do. I could get the effits and go back to my wine.

However I keep coming back here to post, not because I am doing so well. But because I need help. And you all are helping me by just being here. So THANK YOU for showing up. You are helping me stay sober. All of you. And the person I want to be is simply me, sober. Not a movie star or a Nobel prize winner. Just me, sober. Thanks for listening!

BoozeFree

Hi guys, just jumpin on here before I go to sleep.

Where is VC? And what happened to Better? Hope you guys are doing ok!

Soph I totally get what your saying about the daily struggle. I think that's why a lot of people are on SR bc of all the support we get from eachother. And I don't think there's anything wrong taking it a day at a time if that's what keeps you sober. I find it not as over whelming by taking it day by day.

ReadyAndAble

Wow, another great day of posts. We lost power at work in the midst of a busy day, so I didn't get a chance to check in this afternoon. I should save our thread for the night more often, because discussions like this are a great way to wind down the day, and shift attention from trivial stuff to things that really matter.

Totally, Soph. I really relate to what you and Hooped are saying about just focusing on that. All the other benefits follow. For me it ties directly back to that Avett Bros. song you quoted yesterday. I remember thinking a lot about that line—"Decide what to be and go be it"—last fall in the months before I quit. Usually I'd hear it on the drive to work in the morning, worn thin in body and soul from drinking the night before (and the night before that, and the one before that, and hundreds more before that). It made me ask myself what I wanted to be, and the answer was simple: sober.

Since then, I've started to take full measure of my life: where I am, how I got here, where I want to go next. I've started feeling more hopeful, thinking more clearly, making better decisions. But those are the side-effects of sobriety. Like you guys said, it all started with that first decision: just to be sober. Then the next day I woke up and made the same decision all over again. And on and on.

And now I'm going on and on, rambling into the night. Thanks again for being here, guys. I hope we hear from our old friends soon, and hope you all have a great day tomorrow.

mygrandfather

Hi everyone!

WINDY wow, the winds are just howling here in the woods. My last day. We pack up the boat in a few minutes if we can, had to scratch last night...having two helpers who already were in the bar did not make things better, (wrote about this last night but lost the whole post).

It's a pretty special morning for me. One year ago or thereabouts, I woke up on this day with a massive hangover, depressed, scared...you all know the drill. And yes I had had an accident in the room of the cabin, couldn't find my way to the bathroom apparently. I was mortified, (Soph this is the kind of thing that makes a 42 yo really question what he is doing). It was a horrible hungover drive about 150 miles to Duluth. Not relaxing, not what a vacation should be.

Today is different, today I am up early, today I made the coffee, today I am ready to go. I'm listening to my brother slowly get his sh*t together. It's awful to see, but I can't help him until I know I have taken care of myself. Last night I wrote about the inane conversation in the bar where we were having pizza...the same tired old "funny" stories about how you need to start drinking early to get rid of the hangovers etc. Turns out, the young (I mean mid forties) co-owner of this place has a DUI from a few years back. WTF, the way my brother tells it, it's like a big joke, hah hah, oh man he really blew it out that time. Crazy. These people are crazy.

Ok and while I'm ranting. So I told my brother that I really would like to have a companion next year. So he say's "well she better be able to handle 8 hours of fishing a day." 8 hours? You don't even get up before 8am!!!!! We shoulda been on the lake at 7am!!!! the longest stretch we had was four hours. 5-6 hours of drinking? Now that he has down. What she really needs to handle is listening to you and your drunken GF talk about drinking while drinking and planning more drinking.

Ok back to woodlands zen.

MJ, I was so excited to hear about that sonogram, just makes my day.

Soph, we are all in this together, you know that. Somehow we al ended up on this list at this time and place. It's a good thing, we are helping each other. The best thing you are doing is continuing to be sober. Just make that the foundation of your life and the rest will fall into place.

BF, RA, GFCO, Dee, Hooped, VC, B4Me, Reggie, Northwoods (who has not been on in a long time)...everyone, continue to stay positive.

GirlFromCO

Hey Soph, I didn't mean to offend you or anyone else with my "luckies" comment. I know it's really hard for each of us. I think I was feeling sorry for myself and trying to make a lame joke at the same time. If I can explain without making things worse... I used to have a really clear picture of who I wanted to be, just like you talk about. And like you said, it was always really comforting to think about that woman. After drinking for so long, I lost that vision. That's why I said in an earlier post that I feel like I sold my soul sometimes. I don't really know who I am right now. I feel like I went to sleep when I was 16 or 17, and now that's I'm waking up more than a decade has passed and all the stuff I wanted to do and be is completely gone. I feel like I'm rebuilding myself in the dark. Which, when I think about it, is probably a good thing. If my ideal version of me couldn't stand up to turning 28, it's probably best to re-think that.

I really didn't mean to trivialize what you're going through, or all that you've accomplished. What I wrote was unthoughtful and stupid, it was written during a self pitying whiny moment, and I hope you accept my apology. Your posts always inspire me to do better.

Maryjan

Love you all. (Bursts into hormone-fueled tears)

mygrandfather

Bless you Duluth airport...free wifi!

Winds are still howling, ugh. This should be fun.

Work world is creeping back, was already on the phone with my team. But I'm ready for it. I guess a Muskie'll do that to you.

Hope everyone is well.