Dee74

last part here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-17-a-20.html
D

LeadHatter

stacy i am reading codependent no more its opened my eyes but i have to put it down often because what im reading seems to effect alot of me and in a way i have been lucky to have some recent experiences i can compare the books thinking on.

so im lost codies. with new 'in the hoop' thinking, codependency awareness, 90days alcohol free [today] and some other major life changes i am changed. I find that the new changes are odd to practice-not to say i don't buy into healthy boundaries, its just new.

Gypsy Feet

Friday, April 1, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Going Easy

Go easy. You may have to push forward, but you don't have to push so hard. Go in gentleness - go in peace.

Do not be in so much of a hurry. At no day, no hour, no time are you required to do more than you can do in peace.

Frantic behaviors and urgency are not the foundation for our new way of life.

Do not be in too much of a hurry to begin. Begin, but do not force the beginning if it is not time. Beginnings will arrive soon enough.

Enjoy and relish middles, the heart of the matter.

Do not be in too much of a hurry to finish. You may be almost done, but enjoy the final moments. Give yourself fully to those moments so that you may give and get all there is.

Let the pace flow naturally. Move forward. Start. Keep moving forward. Do it gently, though. Do it in peace. Cherish each moment.

Today, God, help me focus on a peaceful pace rather than a harried one. I will keep moving forward gently, not frantically. Help me let go of my need to be anxious, upset, and harried. Help me replace it with a need to be a peace and in harmony.

Gypsy Feet

Stacy, this reading speaks for how it was for me (and may be again :rotfxko ). When I first showed up on this thread I was newly sober, I didnt know where I ended and my family began, I was trying SO hard to make everything be right and because it wasnt I lived in shame and fear.

Change doesn't happen over night. We try out new behaviors, then practice them, and they gradually become habit.

I had a guy ask me if he could stay on my couch last night, and it was a big trigger for me. I was a runaway, and as an adult I took in stray kids/young adults to "pay it forward". In some cases, the safe harbor was all they needed to establish footing and the thrived. In other cases, my "rescuing" them only saved them from lessons they needed to learn.

I am grateful today that I rent a room in house, and the couch is not mine to lend. I am still working on my "no", and if I owned my own place it would be overrun in no time with people I was trying to "help"




Give yourself time. Give yourself credit for even finding the recovery path, and being brave enough to embark on a life of self-examination.

I have found a great measure of serenity.


Oh,and thanks Dee!!

Chino

I hung all my hopes of change on the "90 in 90" philosophy. It takes approximately 90 days to break/change a habit, and I started feeling the change right around the halfway mark. It still took a while before it felt right (no second guessing)... like a couple of years lol. And I noticed if I didn't stay focused every darn day on my own hula hoop, backsliding happened before I even realized it. Just like how a relapse for a recovering A happens internally before it happens physically.

Amy, holding your boundaries are becoming second nature to you, too! It really bites that it has to happen from sometimes painful repetition.

Lisa, I'm headed to PCB in a few weeks and I plan on living on the beach for a few days and nights. I'm going with a couple of friends and thankfully none of us are into cat herding. We do our own thing and plan nothing. What will be, will be and I'm ready for tranquility, too

Impurrfect

(((Kevin)) -congrats on 90 days!

(((Kevin))) and (((Stacy))) - working on my codie issues took quite some time. Just when I thought i was getting better, I was robbed at work, developed PTSD and my reactions to just about everything was off kilter. The great people, here, helped me work through that, too.

It seems, lately, that I am getting more and more practice at setting boundaries. Things here, have gotten worse. Dad has told stepmom he wants a divorce. She took off last night to run to the store, and 5 hours later wasn't home, not answering her phone. She was at her friend's house, which I'd figured out, but still..no courtesy of calling?

Dad called me, he wanted to know where she was, he thinks she's having an affair. I told him, I could honestly say, being with another man is the LAST thing on stepmom's mind, but I hadn't heard from her either. He started talking about things between them, and I put a stop to it. I told him I love them both, and I'm not going to get in the middle, that I know he needs someone to talk to, but I'm not the one. He said he could appreciate that and stopped.

Do I feel some responsibility to fix this? yes. Am I going to do anything with those feelings? Yes, I'm going to concentrate on work and school and stay in my hula hoop. Am I worried about what all this is going to do to all of us (including Brit)? Yep, but I'm turning it over to God. I still have to tell myself "don't go there" to NOT get into it all, but so far so good.

I did tell stepmom that I was hurt and worried that she couldn't be bothered to call, and maybe I'll do the same thing to HER the next time I go somewhere, but that was pretty petty.

After that conversation, she told me there was a bird in our kitchen? We'd had the sliding glass door open, earlier last night, and the poor thing was flying into the big window we have in the kitchen. I opened the door, it flew into my room, got it back into the kitchen and safely out the door. NOW I know why Patches kept going to the window last night. Tough little bird...survived being in a house with 3 cats, all night long, but it was a great feeling to see it fly back outside.

I think it was a sign. The little thing kept flying into the window, but it finally found it's way to safety. I keep running into obstacles, but I just have to believe that God is going to open the door to where I need to be.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

I have been thinking for some time that to set a date, the date i first truly self identified as co-dependent would be useful, there again codependency is less well defined than say alcoholism

I believe i began to identify as habitually codependent around 10 days ago in so far as at around that time i began activly changing and dealing with my codependent habits but i think it was another 2 weeks earlier that i begun self identifying as codependent.

I have recently started reading about the karpman drama triangle

Good news quit being codependent on my sister and nephew and finding the 'hoop' thinking invaluable.

Anna

LOL, that must have been a very smart little bird, Amy! My cats would have gone nuts if that happened here. I'm sorry about the problems with your dad and stepmom, but you're doing the right thing by staying out of it. You know things will work out the way they are meant to.

Chino, I hope you enjoy your beach time. I will be there with you in spirit and I promise not to herd cats. It sounds like a wonderful getaway.

Lisa, isn't it interesting how circumstances can help us to find the 'No', even when we're not sure we could manage it.

Kevin, good for you for doing so well and continuing your work on your codependency issues.

Impurrfect

(((Anna))) - yep, it was a smart little bird. At one point it was hanging out on the ceiling fan

So, I go into work in a great mood. I'm doing back DT, which I've been doing, and D is working and is back in yelling mode. I finally snapped back, after getting yelled at about things I have NO control over (how fast the cars get to my window or there's, how long it takes them to go through wallets, pockets, console, arm rest for the change, etc." and she came back and told me to clock out...that I must have her confused with someone else.

I'm angry, but I'll get over it. Everyone asked me where I was going, told them "I'm being sent home because apparently, I don't know how to do my job" and they're jaws dropped, and they all said "I'm sorry...you know that's not true". I will find a time to tell her that yelling is not acceptable, but today wasn't it. I was flying out the parking lot and almost hit a car that was backing up..right in front of the DT window..sigh. It was his fault, as he didn't look to see me coming.

I'll gladly go back to front counter when she's working, and she can yell at someone else. I'll also check with my dentist, on Monday, and see if the money's been put on my account, and get my teeth taken care of, then look for another job.

I know I'm a good employee, and I don't deserve this. Someone else can take the BS, I'll just ride out my time, because there are better things in my future

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

stacylove

Thank you Gypsy, Kevin and Impurrfect,

Gypsy, I totally understand about using the word, "No", it's very difficult and I feel bad saying no, I guess I didn't realize this was part of codependency too! lol

Impurrfect, I'm glad the bird was saved it truly was some kind of sign right?

How about the new reading, I can totally relate, even as I was reading I found myself starting at the beginning skipping the middle and going directly to the end, duh, that's what the reading is all about. I love these readings

Impurrfect

Things are brewing to a boiling point, here at home. I'm staying in my room, have taken my sleep meds and hope to be asleep before dad and stepmom get home (she had a flat tire). I simply told him that they BOTH have issues they need to work on themselves.

I've never been through a divorce in my family, and the very thought is truly upsetting, but I'll stick to what's in my hula hoop and do my best to get through the rest.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

stacylove

That's an awesome saying Impurrfect: "I'll stick with what's in my hula hoop"

Hang in there, that's a good idea to hang in your room, because there is nothing you can really do to stop two people from fighting

Stacy

Gypsy Feet

Im so sorry Amy.
I had an emotionally "off" day for me, that just never got better. As I think about it to set it down "on paper". its really no wonder I am in such a funk. My room mate is in a terrible depression. I spent the day at the beach, but now the trainwreck (old fling) wants to hang out ad be friends. It hasnt been bothering me, but today he started to creep me out, which made me mad at myself. So I went to the gym at 7pm to swim laps, and I was thinking about my birthday next month and I remembered my late (ex) husband and I sailed last year, and went to yellowstone the year before, and I got really sad.

sooooo,I am sitting in the infant cry room at the church building for the 8pm speaker meeting, wanting some alone time, and in comes the TW. He is just so weird he is like a different species and bleh. I took some cheap, mean shots at him in casual conversation in front of another guy who was sitting in the cry room, and had to apologize. . .

me and about 8 friends went for pancakes after the meeting, and I just snuck out without saying goodbye, so they alllll text me to see if I was ok

UHG.

thank you for letting me vent. I am exhausted and cant sleep so I am going to try a little prayer and meditation to try to unravel the last few hours

Gypsy Feet

Saturday, April 2, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Facing Our Darker Side

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
—Step Four of Al-Anon

By the time we get to the Fourth of the Twelve Steps, we are ready to face our darker side, the side that prevents us from loving others, from letting others love us, and from enjoying life and ourselves. The purpose of Step Four is not to make ourselves feel worse; our purpose is to begin to remove our blocks to joy and love.

We look for fears, anger, hurt, and shame from past events - buried feelings that may be affecting our life today. We search for subconscious beliefs about others and ourselves that may be interfering with the quality of our relationships. These beliefs say: I'm not lovable . . . I'm a burden to those around me . . . People can't be trusted . . . I can't be trusted . . . I don't deserve to be happy and successful . . . Life isn't worth living. We look at our behaviors and patterns with an eye toward discerning the self-defeating ones. With love and compassion for ourselves, we try to unearth all our guilt - earned and unearned - and expose it to the light.

We perform this examination without fear of what we shall find, because this soul searching can cleanse us and help us feel better about ourselves than we ever dreamt possible.

God, help me search out the blocks and barriers within myself. Bring what I need to know into my conscious mind, so I can be free of it. Show me what I need to know about myself.

Impurrfect

(((Lisa))) - I'm sorry you're feeling down, but glad you did go to a meeting and out for pancakes. I'm glad you're seeing the TW for what he is. Yeah, cheap shots aren't always the best thing, but I've done it myself, and am already preparing to keep my mouth shut at work, lest I say something I'll regret. Don't want to lower myself to D's level, but she does have a way of pushing my buttons.

Dad got home, last night, and calmly said "everything is okay", since I was worried he'd get angry enough to lash out at her (physically). He just woke her up and told her to get the tire fixed...he had done this and that, and she could get out of the bed and take care of it.

I'm about to get ready for work. Have "talked" to a few friends from here, and everyone is having problems with relationships and depression. Must be in the air. I'm going to mentally go with ((Chino)) to WPB and pretend I can feel the ocean breezes through my hair. I try it when you go, too, ((Lisa)).

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Chino

Amy, I hope your night was calm. I can still remember all the tension and anger from my parents divorce when I was 16; it truly left a huge impression on me. It introduced me to the concept of 'taking prisoners'

Lisa, just sending you hugs and a prayer for serenity while you work through all of it.

The timing of today's reading is perfect, kind of like the other coincidences in my life right now. First, the latest odd but delightful thing -- I read someone's sig here the other day and, though I had seen and heard it many times before, it finally clicked. It's a Yoda quote, "Do or do not. There is no try." When I personally try something, I am not committed to it, like it's an experiment. My therapist had a big happy smile when I walked out of his office.

Then as I was driving home, I saw a Hallmark store and suddenly decided to go in. I was acting on pure instinct. The very first thing I saw was a coffee cup with Yoda and that quote on it. I didn't try to listen to my instincts, I did. I didn't try to go in that store, I did. And now I have a really cool coffee cup, a constant reminder of what happens when I 'do'

Now to the reading... right after getting that cup, I started thinking about all the times I try. I realized I've been trying to get past events in my marriage. They aren't numerous, just a couple of really big things. Because I've been 'trying', I've held onto the anger and have been subconsciously punishing my husband. I've not sought resolution inside myself.

My husband failed our family one time. He personally failed me one time. He failed both times because he honestly didn't know what to do, was faced with things he'd never encountered before, and chose the wrong path. But at least he 'did' respond both times instead of 'try'.

He apologized to me long ago for failing our family, he said he made the wrong decision, and he's not ever repeated it. That is living amends. He did the same for me, too, as soon as he realized his error in judgement, and made sure to avoid the same circumstances since then.

But I got into the habit of punishing him and have remained there, until now. I realize I've been treating him with contempt for failing in the past, for being human and less than perfect. That kind of mindset promotes failure. That is my dark side, my character defect, and it's time I stopped trying to get past it. Do or do not.

Anna

Lisa, I'm sorrry you're having a down day. The last thing you need right now is the TrainWreck weedling his way back into your mind. Yum, I love pancakes!

Amy, it's sad that you are expected to be screamed at in your workplace?? I have no suggestions, but try to get through it and focus on where your education is taking you - far away from there. And, definitely step away from the impending divorce. They will be able to get through it, one way or another, and your Dad and stepmom both know that you are there for them.

I love the Yoda story Chino. I think if we can learn to listen to our instincts, we are so much better off. I think, as kids, we are taught to not listen to our instincts, but to do what we're told, and as we get older we learn to question things which is good, but it's still not listening to our instincts. On a side note, one of the best books I've ever read is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin deBecker. He talks about how following your instincts can save your life, eg, if you are being followed by someone. Don't overthing, don't question yourself, just go with your gut and you may very well save your life.

But I got into the habit of punishing him and have remained there, until now. I realize I've been treating him with contempt for failing in the past, for being human and less than perfect. That kind of mindset promotes failure. That is my dark side, my character defect, and it's time I stopped trying to get past it. Do or do not. Chino, this is profound and this is where I am too, exactly. I think I feel as if forgiveness will make me vulnerable to being hurt again, and that's not true. Thank you for those words.

Stacy, I love the hula hoop thing too. It's so simple and yet it solves so many problems!

Chino

Anna, I remember the very first time I listened to my instincts and it was over a quality of life issue. My instincts told me run like hell and I did, but I ended up paying a horrible price that also altered my quality of life. I told my therapist that looking back, if I had known the price I'd pay, I'd do it again. I had to choose between the lesser of two evils, and I chose wisely, but I was not equipped to deal with the painful and life altering fallout.

After that, far too often fear kept me from listening to my instincts with major issues. I associated it with terrifying repercussions. I spent too much time not doing anything, trying to avoid pain and suffering, which ended up causing more of it.

In so many ways, I have done the same with my marriage. "The only way out is through" and who knows, maybe another coffee cup is in my future. May the Force be with me

Impurrfect

(((Chino))) - I love the saying, and totally cool that you found a coffee cup with it on there! I try to listen to my instincts, but the codie side of me still has me second guessing myself, sometimes, yet I do MOSTLY go with my instinct.

I talked to M at work. He said he'd heard me snap at D, so he didn't say anything about her sending me home, but wished I had talked to him first. I told him I wanted to, but she was in the office with him. We had a very nice talk. He said something about how he's yelled at me, and I said "You have NEVER yelled at me..you've gotten on to me, or told me I need to do something different, but you don't yell, and I've always made the changes you've asked".

I also told him that I snapped, as I had been getting screamed at on the headset for 2 hours, and yes, I am going to snap. I told him my plan is, that the next time she yells at me, I will calmly ask her to lower her voice, that I may be old, but I am NOT hard of hearing and I do not appreciate getting yelled at. If she continues to yell, I am going home, but want to make sure I'm not going to lose my job and he said "okay". I just love him

I did work DT for a couple hours, no screaming, but I was given help that M said we need on weekends, which I was NOT given yesterday. After that, I was placed back on front counter as she needed someone who works 'til 11 back there. She screamed at Nick, the whole time, and the new girl and I, on front counter just rolled our eyes.

At 10 I asked her what else she needed me to do, and she said "you're going in the window". I said "nope, I get off at 10", and clocked out. Two other people got off, my buddies, so she was left with a minimal staff on a Sat. night. Karma police did their job

I'm going to try to get to sleep early, so I can get up for church in the morning. Have missed the last 2 weeks, thanks to the funky hours, and I miss it.

I'm going to stamp Yoda's saying into my head now.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

stacylove

I want this Yoda coffee cup you speak of, even though I don't drink coffee, did they have a various assortment of cups and glasses or only the coffee cup?