Codependency and beyond - Part 18
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
"Ralph" is in my head again...amazing how he does that!
THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Friday, April 8, 2011
Stay determined
+++++++++++++++++++
Even while life throws you frustration and disappointment,
you can quietly and steadily achieve. Even when you cannot
make a lot of progress, you can make a little progress.
That small progress adds up, day after day. Soon it becomes
much more valuable than anything you could accomplish in a
single effort.
Sure, some things can be accomplished in a burst of
determined effort. However, the most valuable achievements
take time, with one small, yet effective action after
another.
Determination is a powerful force that can compel you in an
intimately meaningful way to take action. And determination
becomes much more powerful when you're able to spread it
over long periods of time.
The longer you can maintain your determination, the higher
the level of achievement you'll be able to reach. It's great
to be determined, and even more powerful when you can stay
determined.
Keep your determination alive and growing by reminding
yourself again and again of why it's important to you. Keep
your actions coming by continuing to fuel them with the
power of positive determination.
Ralph Marston
THE DAILY MOTIVATOR
Friday, April 8, 2011
Stay determined
+++++++++++++++++++
Even while life throws you frustration and disappointment,
you can quietly and steadily achieve. Even when you cannot
make a lot of progress, you can make a little progress.
That small progress adds up, day after day. Soon it becomes
much more valuable than anything you could accomplish in a
single effort.
Sure, some things can be accomplished in a burst of
determined effort. However, the most valuable achievements
take time, with one small, yet effective action after
another.
Determination is a powerful force that can compel you in an
intimately meaningful way to take action. And determination
becomes much more powerful when you're able to spread it
over long periods of time.
The longer you can maintain your determination, the higher
the level of achievement you'll be able to reach. It's great
to be determined, and even more powerful when you can stay
determined.
Keep your determination alive and growing by reminding
yourself again and again of why it's important to you. Keep
your actions coming by continuing to fuel them with the
power of positive determination.
Ralph Marston
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Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
Kevin, I do think we learn to be codependent, probably because of circumstances in our lives. It's good that you are aware of your thought patterns and now you know you can change things.
Amy, you're doing great! I understand your need to succeed with A's, but keep in mind that balance is always good. As you said, you also need sleep/rest. Breathe, and remember you only need a C average.
Amy, you're doing great! I understand your need to succeed with A's, but keep in mind that balance is always good. As you said, you also need sleep/rest. Breathe, and remember you only need a C average.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Thanks it all 'almost' more than i can handle. almost.
today right now or this years seems a very pivotal moment in my life.
Every little helps anna so thanks i am getting onto the inner child stuff now and i can relate to this. Sending positive thoughts to you anna, mspink, impurrfect you work at maccies right i used to, chino, gypsy fee,t and the lady with the hat who once described being alcoholic and codependent as 'double winning'
I guess i have lead a rocky road and maybe i am 'fast tracking' now which is why it is intense.
today right now or this years seems a very pivotal moment in my life.
Every little helps anna so thanks i am getting onto the inner child stuff now and i can relate to this. Sending positive thoughts to you anna, mspink, impurrfect you work at maccies right i used to, chino, gypsy fee,t and the lady with the hat who once described being alcoholic and codependent as 'double winning'
I guess i have lead a rocky road and maybe i am 'fast tracking' now which is why it is intense.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
kevin, Amy is right about tears. Emotional tears release more and different hormones than from yawning or getting something in your eye. If they aren't released the body will reabsorb something that's now toxic. My daughter said when she's done crying, to her it's just like taking a xanax but without getting ripped. Science backs her up.
Amy, I think your self awareness about your strengths and weaknesses earns you an A
By the way, daughter is doing fine. She went to the doctor and seems to be on the mend.
Amy, I think your self awareness about your strengths and weaknesses earns you an A
By the way, daughter is doing fine. She went to the doctor and seems to be on the mend.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
Feels like I've been away for a lifetime.
Mom died today. I thought I would be ready for it since she was in hospice for a month...but I feel like someone beat me up.
Leaving for a week tommorrow to help dad make funeral arrangements.
Put divorce on hold (didn't cancel it) until I can grieve mom and start to heal...wise advice from you all here at SR...one sorrow at a time.
Had a few killer panic attacks this week...but for the first time was able to work through them without drugs or outside help.
Think of you all often.
See you after I lay mom to rest.
Loves,
Annie
Mom died today. I thought I would be ready for it since she was in hospice for a month...but I feel like someone beat me up.
Leaving for a week tommorrow to help dad make funeral arrangements.
Put divorce on hold (didn't cancel it) until I can grieve mom and start to heal...wise advice from you all here at SR...one sorrow at a time.
Had a few killer panic attacks this week...but for the first time was able to work through them without drugs or outside help.
Think of you all often.
See you after I lay mom to rest.
Loves,
Annie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Annie)))) awww, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I don't think we can ever truly prepare ourselves, even when we know the end is near. Glad you're taking one sorrow at a time. You and your family are in my prayers, more than usual.
(((Kevin))) - I think you're doing great!
(((Chino))) - glad your daughter is on the mend.
I actually had a good night at work, and when it got slow, D let me go home an hour early, so more time to study. She actually was back in my window, a few times, and saw how some people take 3-4 minutes to even begin to find their money, so she was chilled with me. I thanked her for letting me go early. It also helped that I had someone taking money while I was taking orders. A customer called me to the window, said "I just want to thank you for being so nice..you are a rare breed"
Not gonna worry that my hours are back down, and gave myself a pep talk on the way home. Read a few pages of my book on my break, and my mind is figuring a way to take notes that points out the differences in several diseases that have a lot of similarities.
Thing is, it's pretty interesting, but I have to remind myself that I'm not going to know it all in such a short amount of time. Hopefully, I'll know enough
Dad is heading to TX in a while. At least it's on THIS side, and not the other. He once told me that from one side of TX to the other is the same distance as Atlanta to TX? Wow!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Kevin))) - I think you're doing great!
(((Chino))) - glad your daughter is on the mend.
I actually had a good night at work, and when it got slow, D let me go home an hour early, so more time to study. She actually was back in my window, a few times, and saw how some people take 3-4 minutes to even begin to find their money, so she was chilled with me. I thanked her for letting me go early. It also helped that I had someone taking money while I was taking orders. A customer called me to the window, said "I just want to thank you for being so nice..you are a rare breed"
Not gonna worry that my hours are back down, and gave myself a pep talk on the way home. Read a few pages of my book on my break, and my mind is figuring a way to take notes that points out the differences in several diseases that have a lot of similarities.
Thing is, it's pretty interesting, but I have to remind myself that I'm not going to know it all in such a short amount of time. Hopefully, I'll know enough
Dad is heading to TX in a while. At least it's on THIS side, and not the other. He once told me that from one side of TX to the other is the same distance as Atlanta to TX? Wow!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Saturday, April 9, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Giving
Learning to be a healthy giver can be a challenge. Many of us got caught up in compulsive giving - charitable acts motivated by uncharitable feelings of guilt, shame, obligations, pity, and moral superiority.
We now understand that catering and compulsive giving don't work. They backfire.
Caretaking keeps us feeling victimized.
Many of us gave too much, thinking we were doing things right; then we became confused because our life and relationships weren't working. Many of us gave so much for so long, thinking we were doing God's will; then in recovery, we refused to give, care, or love for a time.
That's okay. Perhaps we needed a rest. But healthy giving is part of healthy living. The goal in recovery is balance - caring that is motivated by a true desire to give, with an underlying attitude of respect for others and ourselves.
The goal in recovery is to choose what we want to give, to whom, when, and how much. The goal in recovery is to give and not feel victimized by our giving.
Are we giving because we want to, because it's our responsibility? Or are we giving because we feel obligated, guilty, ashamed, or superior? Are we giving because we feel afraid to say no?
Are the ways we try to assist people helpful, or do they prevent others from facing their true responsibilities?
Are we giving so that people will like us or feel obligated to us? Are we giving to prove we're worthy? Or are we giving because we want to give and it feels right?
Recovery includes a cycle of giving and receiving. It keeps healthy energy flowing among our Higher Power, others, and us. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Be patient. Balance will come.
God, please guide my giving and my motives today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
According to a codependency recovery book and i quote from it "We can handle and cope with the events, problems, and feelings life throws our way."
I buy into this in idea form but not feeling it
Interesting night last night speaking to some Irish people, i am english with irish roots so...
My progress [good news] update is that my mother seems to be understanding my new 'resistance to rescue' tactics. Really pleased with myself and my new skillset and ways. Did another 'online aa' meeting last night here on sr.
MY father just spoke to me now, hes making offers to try to get me to make friends again but although im not going to be nasty i refuse to 'rescue' the situation and put his snotty behaviour behind me before i feel happy to do so.
Regardless of whether keeping a score of his misbehaviour is good im just not ready to forgive him yet, so ill not. Im willing to move on to be sure to be sure lol but not yet so no point pretending to be friends as imo this would only be me trying to 'fix' any fallout. Were all adults right
I buy into this in idea form but not feeling it
Interesting night last night speaking to some Irish people, i am english with irish roots so...
My progress [good news] update is that my mother seems to be understanding my new 'resistance to rescue' tactics. Really pleased with myself and my new skillset and ways. Did another 'online aa' meeting last night here on sr.
MY father just spoke to me now, hes making offers to try to get me to make friends again but although im not going to be nasty i refuse to 'rescue' the situation and put his snotty behaviour behind me before i feel happy to do so.
Regardless of whether keeping a score of his misbehaviour is good im just not ready to forgive him yet, so ill not. Im willing to move on to be sure to be sure lol but not yet so no point pretending to be friends as imo this would only be me trying to 'fix' any fallout. Were all adults right
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
What just happened with my father has prodded me towards this posting so that is to say well you do the math! im clearly affected [presently] in a negative way by the process of re-establishing safe boundaries. But who said doing the right thing was always easy at first. nobody.
I can remember in the past that resistance to making up and excusing my fathers bad behaviour well he has called it spitefull but its not.
My relationship with my mother is deepening and providing active support to my brother in law now. My sister even offered a [massivly small] amount of support to me yesterday-but its a start
Best wishes
I can remember in the past that resistance to making up and excusing my fathers bad behaviour well he has called it spitefull but its not.
My relationship with my mother is deepening and providing active support to my brother in law now. My sister even offered a [massivly small] amount of support to me yesterday-but its a start
Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kevin))) I never thought of my dad as a codie, and don't think he WAS until he got married to my stepmom and she is a raging codie, very "I can't do...." stuff and he sure became one.
When I first started setting boundaries with him, he was VERY resistant, often angry, and there were times when we would get into bad arguments. However, the more I realized that I didn't have to REACT the way I always have, that I could say "I love you, but I can't fix this, and I've already given you suggestions you refuse to entertain. I'm not going to discuss this again". He tried, a few more times, but I calmly told him "I told you I"m not getting into this with you...you're miserable? You need to make the changes."
I've also told him, when he's frustrated about something and lashes out "gee, that was rude" and walk away. It's gotten a LOT better, but we still have our times.
I'm not always perfect...some times I lash back before I even think, but I can honestly say that those times are fairly rare, nowadays.
Studied 6-1/2 hours, climbed my butt into bed at 4:30a.m. and am now about to get ready for a 9-hour shift. Thinking I may try to finish it tonight, may or may not go to church (I LOVE it, but I'm usually done for the day if I go, having to get up at 8), and go horseback riding with my friend, from here, tomorrow.
I'm looking at this as self care. I NEED to meet someone from here, that lives right down the road, and horses are some of the most beautiful animals, and I've been wanting to ride for years. She's a mom of an A, and I think seeing someone in recovery will do her good, not to mention the good it will do for ME!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
When I first started setting boundaries with him, he was VERY resistant, often angry, and there were times when we would get into bad arguments. However, the more I realized that I didn't have to REACT the way I always have, that I could say "I love you, but I can't fix this, and I've already given you suggestions you refuse to entertain. I'm not going to discuss this again". He tried, a few more times, but I calmly told him "I told you I"m not getting into this with you...you're miserable? You need to make the changes."
I've also told him, when he's frustrated about something and lashes out "gee, that was rude" and walk away. It's gotten a LOT better, but we still have our times.
I'm not always perfect...some times I lash back before I even think, but I can honestly say that those times are fairly rare, nowadays.
Studied 6-1/2 hours, climbed my butt into bed at 4:30a.m. and am now about to get ready for a 9-hour shift. Thinking I may try to finish it tonight, may or may not go to church (I LOVE it, but I'm usually done for the day if I go, having to get up at 8), and go horseback riding with my friend, from here, tomorrow.
I'm looking at this as self care. I NEED to meet someone from here, that lives right down the road, and horses are some of the most beautiful animals, and I've been wanting to ride for years. She's a mom of an A, and I think seeing someone in recovery will do her good, not to mention the good it will do for ME!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm SO excited...really AM going to get to meet (Litehorse) and go horseback riding tomorrow!!!!
Other than some really dumber-than-dirt customers (sorry, but it's true), had a really good night at work. D and I were joking around, helping each other out, and when my drawer came up $2 short, she said her's was over that amount (she had a drawer on front counter) so she put it in my drawer.
I was singing some hip-hop song, as I was getting ready to leave, and all the young kids were laughing. They don't know what to make of an old white lady who listens to the same music they do, but they think I'm "pretty cool".
Was asked by 4 different customers, "sweetie, do you LIVE here?" They also said "we love it when you're working, you're just so friendly".
It's good to know I've still got "people skills"...that gives me a boost of confidence, as I AM going to look for a better-paying job when I get my new teeth.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Other than some really dumber-than-dirt customers (sorry, but it's true), had a really good night at work. D and I were joking around, helping each other out, and when my drawer came up $2 short, she said her's was over that amount (she had a drawer on front counter) so she put it in my drawer.
I was singing some hip-hop song, as I was getting ready to leave, and all the young kids were laughing. They don't know what to make of an old white lady who listens to the same music they do, but they think I'm "pretty cool".
Was asked by 4 different customers, "sweetie, do you LIVE here?" They also said "we love it when you're working, you're just so friendly".
It's good to know I've still got "people skills"...that gives me a boost of confidence, as I AM going to look for a better-paying job when I get my new teeth.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
HA! Tell ME I can't bounce back Just took the quiz, decided I wanted this week's stuff OVER with, and made 100! Brings me up to a C, and I can go to sleep and not have to worry about taking it tomorrow.
Hoping I will hone my studying skills, as the class progresses, because 17 pages of single-spaced notes takes a LOT of time, but it works. Hoping I'll be brave enough to not print them out, next time, as I didn't even use them? Save a few trees and a lot of ink.
Also grateful that I was able to help a friend here, who had a really bad day. Didn't get all codie, they're in a situation that can't be fixed, just dealt with, but so glad that I can be an ear to listen.
Can you say "going to sleep on a little cloud 9?"
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Just took the quiz, decided I wanted this week's stuff OVER with, and made 100! Brings me up to a C, and I can go to sleep and not have to worry about taking it tomorrow.Hoping I will hone my studying skills, as the class progresses, because 17 pages of single-spaced notes takes a LOT of time, but it works. Hoping I'll be brave enough to not print them out, next time, as I didn't even use them? Save a few trees and a lot of ink.
Also grateful that I was able to help a friend here, who had a really bad day. Didn't get all codie, they're in a situation that can't be fixed, just dealt with, but so glad that I can be an ear to listen.
Can you say "going to sleep on a little cloud 9?"
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Sunday, April 10, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Using Others to Stop Our Pain
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!
In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.
Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.
Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.
We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are ours for the opening.
God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Using Others to Stop Our Pain
Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands. Our well-being is not held by another to be given or withheld at whim. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe he or she holds, we will be disappointed. We will discover that it is an illusion. The person didn't hold it. He or she never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with the ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness that someone was holding - it's an illusion!
In those moments when we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create our joy, if we can find the courage to stop flailing about and instead stand still and deal with our issues, we will find our happiness.
Yes, it is true that if someone steps on our foot, he or she is hurting us and therefore holds the power to stop our pain by removing his or her foot. But the pain is still ours. And so is the responsibility to tell someone to stop stepping on our feet.
Healing will come when we're aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will heal from the past. We will receive insights that can change the course of our relationships.
We will see that, all along, our happiness and our well-being have been in our hands. We have held that box. The contents are ours for the opening.
God, help me remember that I hold the key to my own happiness. Give me the courage to stand still and deal with my own feelings. Give me the insights I need to improve my relationships. Help me stop doing the codependent dance and start doing the dance of recovery.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((Annie)))) My deepest sympathies over the loss of your mother. 
Amy, Yay!!! for 100's and for horseback riding!
Lisa, thanks for the readings! If no one else claims the chocolate, I'll take em!
Hugs to you all! HG
Amy, Yay!!! for 100's and for horseback riding!
Lisa, thanks for the readings! If no one else claims the chocolate, I'll take em!
Hugs to you all! HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Well good news. Today I told my neighbor that I need him to put the hatred between us in the past, i said that i wanted him to understand i have this condition called codependency and that that isn't his fault. He apologized [kind of] for making a pass at me
We shook hands
We shook hands
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