Codependency and beyond - Part 18
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Monday, April 4, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Negotiating Conflicts
Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
—Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work - problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Negotiating Conflicts
Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work.
—Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work - problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
what an appropriate reading for me Lisa - seems like they always are!!
another reminder there is a Power Greater than me & He does have this under control ~ especially when I feel so overwhelmed & outta sorts! Making the right information available when I need it - using you as a beautiful tool! -
Thank you for posting it! You are such a blessing!
Thanks Anna ~ It's hard switching from being a "ReeRee" (grandparent) to being a "ReeRee" parent ~ and to be honest - I don't like it - ReeRee grandparent was much more fun!
another reminder there is a Power Greater than me & He does have this under control ~ especially when I feel so overwhelmed & outta sorts! Making the right information available when I need it - using you as a beautiful tool! -
Thank you for posting it! You are such a blessing!
Thanks Anna ~ It's hard switching from being a "ReeRee" (grandparent) to being a "ReeRee" parent ~ and to be honest - I don't like it - ReeRee grandparent was much more fun!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - good rule of thumb. Glad the b'day party was a success!
(((Kevin))) - the cats don't actually fight that much...it's more hissing/growling and swatting at each other...they rarely connect. The vet thinks Elvis may have a brain tumor..his left eye bulges just a little tiny bit, and it hasn't changed in the year since I found out he was sick.
I think he just doesn't know what Mots IS any more, since Mots got fixed? It sounds crazy, but that's the one he goes after the most and Mots is normally the laid back, cat. I scold whoever starts it, sometimes a light tap on the nose or butt, and Mots and Elvis get TONS of snuggles..Patches isn't interested, but she does like her belly rubbed
(((Rita))) - I know you feel like the mean one, and I feel the same way with Brit. You are absolutely doing the best thing for her. Dad tried to discipline Brit from day 1, stepmom went behind his back and let her do whatever she wanted. She drank from a bottle until she was FOUR and only quit when the kids in pre-K laughed at her. She slept with dad and stepmom until she was 7.
Dad kept trying, no phone calls after 10, etc. As soon as he was out of town, stepmom let her stay up all night because SHE stays up all night. That had a lot to do with Brit leaving the public school, although there are more valid reasons.
You know where we are now, with her...17, moved out almost a year ago, we don't know where the house she's staying at is, and I haven't heard from her since she terrorized me, even though I sent her a text that I still love her. She was smoking weed at 11.
I still hate that we're at odds, but I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing. She may not learn about consequences from anyone else in this family, but she'll learn about them from me.
I think the counseling is a good idea. I wish Brit had had it when she was little. By the time she DID go, she never opened up. Thus, we have an angry, spoiled rotten, self-absorbed child in a young woman's body.
Didn't mean to derail the thread, but I just want you to know, as hard as it is, you're doing a great job with little ((Kaleigh)).
We have severe weather heading our way..thunderstorms, lightening, winds, possible tornadoes
I never used to get that worried about it, but we've had major increases in lightening strikes, all over GA, in the past few years, and I do worry about that. The first of the thunder is just now starting.
Dad is on his way back from NY, and wherever he is (stepmom has no clue), he is battling the same weather. His van is tall, so I hope he pulls over if the wind gets too bad. Got all the cats inside, told them they're grounded for the night.
Signed onto my one class, and it is NOT going to be easy...3 quizzes the first week, 3 EXAMS and a quiz the next week, and continues to the end of the quarter. I will do my best, because that's all I can do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
(((Kevin))) - the cats don't actually fight that much...it's more hissing/growling and swatting at each other...they rarely connect. The vet thinks Elvis may have a brain tumor..his left eye bulges just a little tiny bit, and it hasn't changed in the year since I found out he was sick.
I think he just doesn't know what Mots IS any more, since Mots got fixed? It sounds crazy, but that's the one he goes after the most and Mots is normally the laid back, cat. I scold whoever starts it, sometimes a light tap on the nose or butt, and Mots and Elvis get TONS of snuggles..Patches isn't interested, but she does like her belly rubbed
(((Rita))) - I know you feel like the mean one, and I feel the same way with Brit. You are absolutely doing the best thing for her. Dad tried to discipline Brit from day 1, stepmom went behind his back and let her do whatever she wanted. She drank from a bottle until she was FOUR and only quit when the kids in pre-K laughed at her. She slept with dad and stepmom until she was 7.
Dad kept trying, no phone calls after 10, etc. As soon as he was out of town, stepmom let her stay up all night because SHE stays up all night. That had a lot to do with Brit leaving the public school, although there are more valid reasons.
You know where we are now, with her...17, moved out almost a year ago, we don't know where the house she's staying at is, and I haven't heard from her since she terrorized me, even though I sent her a text that I still love her. She was smoking weed at 11.
I still hate that we're at odds, but I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing. She may not learn about consequences from anyone else in this family, but she'll learn about them from me.
I think the counseling is a good idea. I wish Brit had had it when she was little. By the time she DID go, she never opened up. Thus, we have an angry, spoiled rotten, self-absorbed child in a young woman's body.
Didn't mean to derail the thread, but I just want you to know, as hard as it is, you're doing a great job with little ((Kaleigh)).
We have severe weather heading our way..thunderstorms, lightening, winds, possible tornadoes
I never used to get that worried about it, but we've had major increases in lightening strikes, all over GA, in the past few years, and I do worry about that. The first of the thunder is just now starting.Dad is on his way back from NY, and wherever he is (stepmom has no clue), he is battling the same weather. His van is tall, so I hope he pulls over if the wind gets too bad. Got all the cats inside, told them they're grounded for the night.
Signed onto my one class, and it is NOT going to be easy...3 quizzes the first week, 3 EXAMS and a quiz the next week, and continues to the end of the quarter. I will do my best, because that's all I can do.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Detaching in Love
Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!
Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when were beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.
We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.
We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.
Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I cant let go completely, Ill try to hang on loose.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Detaching in Love
Detachment is a key to recovery from codependency. It strengthens our healthy relationships - the ones that we want to grow and flourish. It benefits our difficult relationships - the ones that are teaching us to cope. It helps us!
Detachment is not something we do once. It's a daily behavior in recovery. We learn it when were beginning our recovery from codependency and adult children issues. And we continue to practice it along the way as we grow and change, and as our relationships grow and change.
We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for. We separate ourselves, and our process, from others and their process.
We relinquish our tight hold and our need to control in our relationships. We take responsibility for ourselves; we allow others to do the same. We detach with the understanding that life is unfolding exactly as it needs to, for others and ourselves. The way life unfolds is good, even when it hurts. And ultimately, we can benefit from even the most difficult situations. We do this with the understanding that a Power greater than ourselves is in charge, and all is well.
Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I cant let go completely, Ill try to hang on loose.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Good Morning all ~
That nasty weather Amy posted about passed thru our area yesterday afternoon, but cleared up by 6 pm ~ so Kaileigh & I went to her Mom's grave site. Yesterday was her mom's bday. We put out flowers for her mom & the brother that she had (he passed away as an infant before she was born)
It was very good therapy for her - she saw that her dad had gone by - left her mom her favorite flowers ~ she played there, cleaned up and rearranged the stuff she has left there over the past 2 yrs, like she always does - then we left.
She was a very happy little girl. Ate well, did her homework and slept so peacefully! It was truly answered prayers.
I just have to remember to acknowledge her feelings and to acknowledge mine as well ~ Although I love her dearly and know this is the "best" thing for her ~ I still would much rather be a "grandmother" to her than this "mother" role. Please don't think badly of me - it just is what it is.
Really hoping to get to see my other granddaughters this weekend - I miss them a bunch too!! I know they miss me a lot too!
One of our big bosses is on his way to visit our ofc ~ prayers that it's just a friendly visit!!
Hope everyone has a great day!
PINK HUGS!
That nasty weather Amy posted about passed thru our area yesterday afternoon, but cleared up by 6 pm ~ so Kaileigh & I went to her Mom's grave site. Yesterday was her mom's bday. We put out flowers for her mom & the brother that she had (he passed away as an infant before she was born)
It was very good therapy for her - she saw that her dad had gone by - left her mom her favorite flowers ~ she played there, cleaned up and rearranged the stuff she has left there over the past 2 yrs, like she always does - then we left.
She was a very happy little girl. Ate well, did her homework and slept so peacefully! It was truly answered prayers.
I just have to remember to acknowledge her feelings and to acknowledge mine as well ~ Although I love her dearly and know this is the "best" thing for her ~ I still would much rather be a "grandmother" to her than this "mother" role. Please don't think badly of me - it just is what it is.
Really hoping to get to see my other granddaughters this weekend - I miss them a bunch too!! I know they miss me a lot too!
One of our big bosses is on his way to visit our ofc ~ prayers that it's just a friendly visit!!
Hope everyone has a great day!
PINK HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Rita)) - glad you and ((Kaleigh)) had a good day. I DO understand rather being in the g'ma role, but it is what it is, and you are doing good.
The storm here was bad. Five people are dead, thousands without power, many houses damaged, but we are all okay. Sad story of a tree falling on a house...dad was wrapped around their 3-year-old and the tree came down on both of them, killing them.
I am amazed that all our trees are still standing, but grateful. Dad got home fine.
Heard him talking with Brit, only heard HIS side of the conversation..."we don't even know where you ARE"..."I'll come get you and take you to get what you need" and "don't you think you've hurt OUR feelings?"
I realize she doesn't want to talk to me because when she starts whining about her life, I would point out that she's made the decisions to get where she is. Yes, no mom and an A "dad" are tough, but she chooses to make bad decisions.
I also realize I want an apology from her and that's an expectation. Need to let go of that, along with some residual anger I have of the last time we saw each other. I've forgiven her, but haven't totally let it go, so I have to work on that.
Today's reading was perfect timing. I see myself as detaching with love. SHE may see it as something else, but that's HER problem.
It's sunny and cool here, I'm going to catch up here then hit the books. Have my first class tonight.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
The storm here was bad. Five people are dead, thousands without power, many houses damaged, but we are all okay. Sad story of a tree falling on a house...dad was wrapped around their 3-year-old and the tree came down on both of them, killing them.
I am amazed that all our trees are still standing, but grateful. Dad got home fine.
Heard him talking with Brit, only heard HIS side of the conversation..."we don't even know where you ARE"..."I'll come get you and take you to get what you need" and "don't you think you've hurt OUR feelings?"
I realize she doesn't want to talk to me because when she starts whining about her life, I would point out that she's made the decisions to get where she is. Yes, no mom and an A "dad" are tough, but she chooses to make bad decisions.
I also realize I want an apology from her and that's an expectation. Need to let go of that, along with some residual anger I have of the last time we saw each other. I've forgiven her, but haven't totally let it go, so I have to work on that.
Today's reading was perfect timing. I see myself as detaching with love. SHE may see it as something else, but that's HER problem.
It's sunny and cool here, I'm going to catch up here then hit the books. Have my first class tonight.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
We learn to let go of people we love, people we like, and those we don't particularly care for.
I just have to remember to acknowledge her feelings and to acknowledge mine as well ~ Although I love her dearly and know this is the "best" thing for her ~ I still would much rather be a "grandmother" to her than this "mother" role. Please don't think badly of me - it just is what it is.
My daughter is doing well, and she's high maintenance. She is not able to do for herself what we assist, and she needs it, forget addiction. Staying hands off her recovery process is sooo hard with us partially financing it. In fact, it's literally impossible when I write a check lol. But I have to be dispassionate about it or I will emotionally implode.
Sometimes I have to switch so fast to the other side of my brain, that the effort leaves me spinning for a while. Sometimes I fail and end up squeaking out a few tears.
I have to make peace with myself more often than I'd like. I know what I'm doing, what we're all doing, is right. Two of use expert help, too.
I've got a nagging feeling that some days I don't fully accepted my situation. Maybe I'm trying too hard, instead of just doing. Damn Yoda!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,691
Well today has been a bit of a crisis. My father called me cold for exercising detachment, i explained that i was just looking out for myself and that just because i wasn't able to be somewhere didn't mean that i dont care - i think he swallowed it but its been a tough day
i refuse to get sucked in a downwards spiral to other persons and their emotional states, their state is not mine and that is the correct way-i am right i think
So as i say i explained that i dont consider myself cold just that i was asking questions to get information and that my lack of understanding was due to a lack of understanding in our [my father and mine] relationship and that by seeking information i was wising up.
He was pretty emotional but for me to jump on the sorrow train seems daft. I have visited my grandfather today, and i have offered all the support i can give at my utmost.
If he wants to think me not giving anymore is cold then he can jog on
After visiting my grandfather my sister dropped my father and me back at his house, all of my gut said go home but having already been poked with a 'your cold' remark [which i defended and rebuffed with success i feel] if was hard not to go in. Especially since my father started to sob. This is not a rescue i said at that point because i WANTED to help at that point and was happy to try 2
Anyway he was a bit thorny and it all got out of hand. Its sorted now but i am less sure of myself
i refuse to get sucked in a downwards spiral to other persons and their emotional states, their state is not mine and that is the correct way-i am right i think
So as i say i explained that i dont consider myself cold just that i was asking questions to get information and that my lack of understanding was due to a lack of understanding in our [my father and mine] relationship and that by seeking information i was wising up.
He was pretty emotional but for me to jump on the sorrow train seems daft. I have visited my grandfather today, and i have offered all the support i can give at my utmost.
If he wants to think me not giving anymore is cold then he can jog on
After visiting my grandfather my sister dropped my father and me back at his house, all of my gut said go home but having already been poked with a 'your cold' remark [which i defended and rebuffed with success i feel] if was hard not to go in. Especially since my father started to sob. This is not a rescue i said at that point because i WANTED to help at that point and was happy to try 2
Anyway he was a bit thorny and it all got out of hand. Its sorted now but i am less sure of myself
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Kevin))) - I wasn't "sure of myself" and still AREN'T in some circumstances. The best I can do is the best I can do...when I don't know, I come here or talk to someone else.
That being said, I don't know if what I did today wasn't part codie. Dad went to meet Brit, I did ask him how it went. They had a good talk, and somehow the conversation got brought up about how he, I and stepmom all have frustrations.
He has to work the rest of his life, I have a job I don't like, have had to borrow money to get my teeth fixed, hoping to get a better job; I'm grateful I have a home to live in, but I'd rather be on my own, etc. He also told her that she made the decision to move out...she wanted to party, and that was HER decision.
Anyway, I sent her a text. I told her I love her, and could we just let that night go? Told her I had bruises from that night, too (she told dad she was bruised up from me throwing something at her...didn't happen, and she forgets that she was falling all over the house) and a name she called me, but that I forgive her. I told her I still feel that she is like MY kid and that will never change.
I told dad I sent it and he said "thank you". Told him I didn't do it for HIM, I truly do want that night to just be a closed chapter in a book. I went to get an ink cartridge for the printer, and when I got back I told him "no response, as usual". He said he'd called and left her a message that I had texted her...sigh. I told him "thing is, if I had texted her that I COULD afford to take us to the concert, did she want to go" I would have probably gotten a response in a minute.
He shut down, said he's done all he can. I said "me too. It's just sad that I never hear from her unless she wants something".
I don't know why, today, I've decided to let this go and offer one more peace offering, but think it's knowing people died in the storm we had last night..makes life a little more precious?
I honestly don't know if I didn't do it for a codie reason...to TRY to fix what is broken, but I don't know.
THAT (((Kevin))) is why I understand the second-guessing. Am I STILL trying to make a relationship where there is none? I don't think so, I just want her to know I do still love her. Dad said she may come up for a couple of nights. ANY misbehavior and I'm outta here.
Oh yeah, Tess sent me a list of traits of a sociopath. Depressingly, Brit fits most, if not all of them I'm not yet ready to call her that, but it was really sad to see in black and white.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
That being said, I don't know if what I did today wasn't part codie. Dad went to meet Brit, I did ask him how it went. They had a good talk, and somehow the conversation got brought up about how he, I and stepmom all have frustrations.
He has to work the rest of his life, I have a job I don't like, have had to borrow money to get my teeth fixed, hoping to get a better job; I'm grateful I have a home to live in, but I'd rather be on my own, etc. He also told her that she made the decision to move out...she wanted to party, and that was HER decision.
Anyway, I sent her a text. I told her I love her, and could we just let that night go? Told her I had bruises from that night, too (she told dad she was bruised up from me throwing something at her...didn't happen, and she forgets that she was falling all over the house) and a name she called me, but that I forgive her. I told her I still feel that she is like MY kid and that will never change.
I told dad I sent it and he said "thank you". Told him I didn't do it for HIM, I truly do want that night to just be a closed chapter in a book. I went to get an ink cartridge for the printer, and when I got back I told him "no response, as usual". He said he'd called and left her a message that I had texted her...sigh. I told him "thing is, if I had texted her that I COULD afford to take us to the concert, did she want to go" I would have probably gotten a response in a minute.
He shut down, said he's done all he can. I said "me too. It's just sad that I never hear from her unless she wants something".
I don't know why, today, I've decided to let this go and offer one more peace offering, but think it's knowing people died in the storm we had last night..makes life a little more precious?
I honestly don't know if I didn't do it for a codie reason...to TRY to fix what is broken, but I don't know.
THAT (((Kevin))) is why I understand the second-guessing. Am I STILL trying to make a relationship where there is none? I don't think so, I just want her to know I do still love her. Dad said she may come up for a couple of nights. ANY misbehavior and I'm outta here.
Oh yeah, Tess sent me a list of traits of a sociopath. Depressingly, Brit fits most, if not all of them
I'm not yet ready to call her that, but it was really sad to see in black and white.Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
I don't know why, today, I've decided to let this go and offer one more peace offering, but think it's knowing people died in the storm we had last night..makes life a little more precious?
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I believe narcissism is very close to sociopath in behavior, and honestly Amy, I think lots of teens go through a phase of being extremely self-centered. Using drugs and alcohol will also bring on that behavior no?
I started running away at 15, stopped coming back at 16. Dont remember caring much what my parents thought or if they worried. I "hated" them, and would break in the house and steal from them often. When I actually showed at family functions, I would go through the wallets of any purses left laying around and grab cash, not out of necessity as much as out of disdain. That behavior was all gone when I went back to live with my mom at 20 years old and pregnant.
I wasnt a hateful kid per say. I loved my friends and would never torture animals, although I did bully other kids when I wasnt being bullied. I was exceptionally mean to a precious little blonde girl 10 years younger than me, my sister. My only explanation for any of this is that I was terribly sad inside and I just did what ever came to my head.
I grew out of it. I took in stray kids and dogs, I love my sister and we have a great relationship. My mom and dad and I all get along.
"The baby" and I have always been super close, but she went through a phase. From about 17-22 she sofa surfed at party pads, left the state with a band, became a bar fly and then a pot head. Would go a week or more at a time not calling me.
Today she is acting house manager for the house down south, all 5 rooms rented. She is in full time school and has a job on the weekends.
We talk many times a day. Teen years are hard. Be as patient as you can.Set boundaries for yourself, and act with love and kindness. She may yet transform into a beautiful woman, thankful for all of her blessings.
I started running away at 15, stopped coming back at 16. Dont remember caring much what my parents thought or if they worried. I "hated" them, and would break in the house and steal from them often. When I actually showed at family functions, I would go through the wallets of any purses left laying around and grab cash, not out of necessity as much as out of disdain. That behavior was all gone when I went back to live with my mom at 20 years old and pregnant.
I wasnt a hateful kid per say. I loved my friends and would never torture animals, although I did bully other kids when I wasnt being bullied. I was exceptionally mean to a precious little blonde girl 10 years younger than me, my sister. My only explanation for any of this is that I was terribly sad inside and I just did what ever came to my head.
I grew out of it. I took in stray kids and dogs, I love my sister and we have a great relationship. My mom and dad and I all get along.
"The baby" and I have always been super close, but she went through a phase. From about 17-22 she sofa surfed at party pads, left the state with a band, became a bar fly and then a pot head. Would go a week or more at a time not calling me.
Today she is acting house manager for the house down south, all 5 rooms rented. She is in full time school and has a job on the weekends.
We talk many times a day. Teen years are hard. Be as patient as you can.Set boundaries for yourself, and act with love and kindness. She may yet transform into a beautiful woman, thankful for all of her blessings.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks ((Lisa)) and ((Chino))! I do believe that teens just go through stuff..I remember being pretty self-absorbed myself. I was a good kid, but I never thought about much other than football games, band practice, choir practice, going out for pizza after games, etc. Didn't have a clue mom was going through some really bad stuff at work until she quit, and then I was FURIOUS because I was used to "my time" after school, when they were at work and she was invading my space.
However, I had good role models, Brit? Not so much. I feel fine about what I did. Haven't checked my phone, not once, to see if she responded back. Only reason I knew she didn't was the little icon is right next to my mailbox
Got good news from school. Though I no longer qualify for the scholarship that I WAS going to use to get through school, our school is going to start participating in federal student loans, which my financial aid application says I'm qualified for, along with the Pell grant (which I don't have to pay back). Instead of allowing students to get way over their head in debt, they're going to make the loans only enough to cover education, maybe a little more.
So, though I may end up with a student loan to pay back, it won't be much. The Pell grant has covered everything but books and fees, and though the books are expensive, I can rent a lot. I'm just glad I'll be able to continue on, and not worry about where the heck the money's going to come from.
Sam, the instructor I've got again for A&P was going through his "don't e-mail me through this acct, use your student account, don't call me" speech and I told him, after class, that I HAD e-mailed him through the right acct., he never responded, and "don't MAKE me chase your a$$ down this summer to get my grade!!!" He cracked up laughing and said "okay"
I have a buddy who is from Haiti. Just found that out at the end of the qtr. Am going to ask him how long he's been here, what his name is. Nice guy, doesn't have a home computer, so I help him using the computer in the class room and let him look over my notes when he's missed something. No romantic interest, just a nice guy I like helping out.
Recovery ROCKS!!!!
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
However, I had good role models, Brit? Not so much. I feel fine about what I did. Haven't checked my phone, not once, to see if she responded back. Only reason I knew she didn't was the little icon is right next to my mailbox
Got good news from school. Though I no longer qualify for the scholarship that I WAS going to use to get through school, our school is going to start participating in federal student loans, which my financial aid application says I'm qualified for, along with the Pell grant (which I don't have to pay back). Instead of allowing students to get way over their head in debt, they're going to make the loans only enough to cover education, maybe a little more.
So, though I may end up with a student loan to pay back, it won't be much. The Pell grant has covered everything but books and fees, and though the books are expensive, I can rent a lot. I'm just glad I'll be able to continue on, and not worry about where the heck the money's going to come from.
Sam, the instructor I've got again for A&P was going through his "don't e-mail me through this acct, use your student account, don't call me" speech and I told him, after class, that I HAD e-mailed him through the right acct., he never responded, and "don't MAKE me chase your a$$ down this summer to get my grade!!!" He cracked up laughing and said "okay"
I have a buddy who is from Haiti. Just found that out at the end of the qtr. Am going to ask him how long he's been here, what his name is. Nice guy, doesn't have a home computer, so I help him using the computer in the class room and let him look over my notes when he's missed something. No romantic interest, just a nice guy I like helping out.
Recovery ROCKS!!!!
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
The trainwreck just called me drunk for a ride. He sounded very upset, then changed his mind about the ride.
He has been claiming continuous sobriety since our first "date", the night of my (ex)s funeral, almost 8 months. I happen to believe he fudges on the date, and I know he has been doing marijuana maintenance. Apparently his program didnt keep him sober.
the crazy/scary part is, I got super emotional. Man, that "I am in trouble and need your help" just HOOKS me, holy cow. I am home, waiting on my sponsor to call, and not flying out the door to save him, thanks to god and all of you
He has been claiming continuous sobriety since our first "date", the night of my (ex)s funeral, almost 8 months. I happen to believe he fudges on the date, and I know he has been doing marijuana maintenance. Apparently his program didnt keep him sober.
the crazy/scary part is, I got super emotional. Man, that "I am in trouble and need your help" just HOOKS me, holy cow. I am home, waiting on my sponsor to call, and not flying out the door to save him, thanks to god and all of you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lisa))) - sorry that he still has the ability to "hook" you, but very proud that you aren't running out the door after him. I think we still FEEL those feelings, at times, but we now know we don't have to ACT on them, or we can act like you did...called your sponsor, and posted here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Good idea ((Chino)) - chocolate always makes ME feel better, especially if it's dark chocolate
Just took a gazillion notes from the first chapter, posted on the forum thingies I had to, and decided to take the quiz, as I saw most of the class was a bit ahead of me I made a 100, but this is NOT going to be easy. Still have 2 quizzes to get done by Sunday night and the only day I have off is Thu (need to do stores) and Sunday.
Gonna say the serenity prayer a few 100 times...sigh.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
Just took a gazillion notes from the first chapter, posted on the forum thingies I had to, and decided to take the quiz, as I saw most of the class was a bit ahead of me
I made a 100, but this is NOT going to be easy. Still have 2 quizzes to get done by Sunday night and the only day I have off is Thu (need to do stores) and Sunday.Gonna say the serenity prayer a few 100 times...sigh.
Love, hugs, and prayers,
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Patience
How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience. How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen. How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and were in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes-grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings! Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Patience
How sick and tired we may become of people telling us to be patient or to learn patience. How frustrating it can be to want to finally have something, or to move forward, and then not have that happen. How irritating to have someone tell us to wait while our needs have not been met and were in the midst of anxiety, frustration, and inaction.
Do not confuse the suggestion to be patient with the old rule about not having feelings.
Being patient does not mean we go through the sometimes-grueling process of life and recovery without having feelings! Feel the frustration. Feel the impatience. Get as angry as you need to about not having your needs met. Feel your fear.
Controlling our feelings will not control the process!
We find patience by surrendering to our feelings. Patience cannot be forced. It is a gift, one that closely follows acceptance and gratitude. When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have, we will be ready to be and have more.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I dont like chocolate hahaha, the box is right here, someone else who needs it will get it =)
I did go by his studio today with the photo collage of he and his daughter I made. He had someoneelse in there, so I walked in and said "I can not believe you didnt even bother to call, you have no manners". I set the picture on his desk and walked out.
Havent heard a word from the TW or any of my friends calling to tattle, but I did see his truck safely parked at his gfs house, so hopefully he didnt kill anyone with it. I skipped the 530 meeting tonight and instead went for a massage and dinner with my sponsor.
I am ok. I have been able to start putting my phone on silent again when I need sleep badly , despite the fear something catastrophic might happen and "the baby" wont be able to reach me, I will do it tonight just in case he is still on a run
I did go by his studio today with the photo collage of he and his daughter I made. He had someoneelse in there, so I walked in and said "I can not believe you didnt even bother to call, you have no manners". I set the picture on his desk and walked out.
Havent heard a word from the TW or any of my friends calling to tattle, but I did see his truck safely parked at his gfs house, so hopefully he didnt kill anyone with it. I skipped the 530 meeting tonight and instead went for a massage and dinner with my sponsor.
I am ok. I have been able to start putting my phone on silent again when I need sleep badly , despite the fear something catastrophic might happen and "the baby" wont be able to reach me, I will do it tonight just in case he is still on a run
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