Impurrfect

(((Lisa))) - hope you had fun camping.

(((Kevin))) - I used to get offended when I was doing all this "helping" for the people in my life, and no one else was, or I didn't get praised for it. Actually got called a martyr once

I took my test, had over an hour left in time, so COULD have looked up the questions I didn't know, but that's just not right and I need to know how I do with what I know. Made a 92.? on it, she hasn't put in the score for the quiz I made an 80 on, so either I still have an A or a very high B in the class.

Dad asked me if I was tired..said I looked "worn out". Yeah, I guess I am. Told him "well, taking a test on 4 chapters, C died, long night at work will do that to ya". Gonna find the SECOND remote control I've misplace (or even the first?), curl up with a cat or 3 and chill.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LeadHatter

Well yeah i guess having been raised in the christian faith i have martyr triggers. Its not just that you know though i mean forums are cool but when you get into chat rooms some people can be nasty. Lest aways i think they were today which hurts my ego as i see myself as noble.

You sound like you are considering your workload Amy

Still getting used to the fact im not going running to parents when they say jump.

Anna

Hi Everyone,

Amy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're getting a chance to rest a bit tonight.

Kevin, I'm glad you're still working on your relationship with your family.

Annie, have a great weekend with all the grad parties going on. That is such a fun time!

Lisa, I envy your camping on the beach.


It's an icky, rainy weekend here. I worked yesterday and spent today doing some shopping and errands, but I want to go outside and walk!

BigDreams1

Oh (((Amy))) I can't say I totally understand your situation, but having had a similar loss recently...my heart aches for you and your family. The talk about the hold ups in the area has to be stressful too. Know you are in my thoughts...sending love and light.
(((Gypsy))) I always love it when you remember me...it makes me smile.
(((Kevin))) Like Gypsy says...I am learning not to tie any strings to my love. If I want to do something for/love someone..i can't have any expecatations attached to that...because I cannot tell someone else how to respond to my love. It is so hard being a codie...as I have a def. idea of how I want to be loved back...but if you can let it go...it will be better for you.
(((Anna)))Good to see you honey
So...I really let my brother in law have it this weekend. He has this habit when he visits of telling what THE truth is...and that I am wrong if I don't believe it. I usually just smile and put up with H's fam when they visit...but this time I challenged his arrogant statements. It got tense for awhile...and I worried for awhile what H would say...but overall I feel good that I spoke up.
Love to all
Annie

Gypsy Feet

ok, I have a little more to say on the giving subject before sleep. I will use JH as an example:

I have known JH since he was about 13, he is 30ish now. He was oneof the trouble teens that hung out at my marital home, he now rents a room from my daughter in said house.

I have lent him money, sold him vehicles, taken him on family vacations, had him to moms house on christmas. When my husband died, he was the one who pulled him out of the hot tub and tried cpr.

JH is a pothead, and lazy. Back a few years ago, I asked him to borrow his truck and he said no. This is after he had lived with us, eaten our food, driven ours cars, etc etc for YEARS. I was soooooooo mad.

What I know today: JH is a taker. He is unhappy and thinks he does not have everything he deserves in life.

This does not make him a bad guy. It does not make him less worthy of my love. I accept the fact that today, he is less able to be open and give freely than I am, and that's ok. I dont coddle him, it wont help him. If he wants to come on trips with us now,he has to pay his own way. His rent is due on time.

For christmas, he still gets a box of candy, and I know I wont get anything back, and thats ok. I love him, we all have so much room to grow

LeadHatter

Quite a interesting share Lisa. Sounds like you are in a happier more balanced place than I.

BigDreams in my view there is a fine line between telling someone the truth without menace and getting embroiled in a 'i win, you win' sort of situation.

Unless it is important to me i tend to avoid telling people truths they don't want to hear as it seems likely to me that they often dislike them and may even turn nasty on me for the telling of said truths [shoot the messenger syndrome i guessing].

I guess it was important to you to say something back after repeatedly taking their sh it so perhaps you did right if you did it calmly and without malice. We are not saints and my guess [again heh] is that there is some value to challenging people from time to time [although probably not that often at all i guess har har so much guessing grins ]

To challenge without confronting......aha!

Well i laid in bed late today, i do love codependent no more, im not sure i aught to love it so but i do, it reminds me how 'pennies from heaven' may happen and of the help i have been given here on SR and from D. The latest musings [im 70/80% through it] is that we may have a tired mind. Accepting this as probable i stopped in bed today to rest my mind. Did some good thinking!!!Good move. Ty melody beattie!!

Called the housing associations about J my neighbour. H gave me her usual 'ice cube' treatement but i was able to get in a [and i swear down i didnt say this nastily] quip about 'easy for you to say you dont live next to the guy'.

When i called back she seemed noticably more willing to help me - insha allah perhaps i got through! [im not a muslim btw not that i believe them to be inherently wrong or anything] so i believe he has 2 weeks left on his eviction notice. H explained [she actually made an effort to help me heille sellasie] that even if he overstays the eviction notice it usually takes about 2 weeks to go to court so i am hoping he will be gone in a month.

Im still missing my nephew but i have to be smart.

Impurrfect

(((Annie))) - good for you for standing up to your BIL!

(((Lisa))) - great insight on JH.

(((Anna))) - thanks

(((Kevin))) - praying your neighbor will be gone soon.

I know my grief seems a bit odd, as mostly I've complained, whined, vented about dad's obsession with her. However, I still always loved C. She was there for me when I graduated nursing school, when Brit's mom died, I called her and said "I need you hear to help with stepmom" and she came immediately. We used to talk a lot by phone. She GOT me, in my grief over mom dying whereas dad seemed to be more concerned about getting married again.

It was dad and her's dysfunctional relationship that made me distance myself from her, and I know I was taking care of me, it still hurts that she's gone. Her son's dad is an alkie, and though he has other family to help him out with details, I still feel so bad for him. It brings back memories of all the other loved ones I've lost, and when he said "I'm heading to the funeral home to pick out the casket" it was like I was back when mom died.

Anyway, I did get some sleep and am heading out to do stores. I watched the new Shania Twain show last night, and really like it. I used to LOVE listening to her, had all her CD's and thought she was so strong, so beautiful, etc. Her show is about how she lost her self esteem, her voice, and she is trying to get it back. Though what caused her problems is totally different than mine, I can relate on so many levels. I also realize that if someone like HER can have self esteem issues, well, I'm just gonna go along her "ride" and learn from her.

Also reemphasized that emotional baggage can cause physical problems. Of course I don't have a ton of money, two gorgeous RV's and the 5 people closest to me in my life to travel around to rediscover myself, but I DO have all of you and some F2F people who love me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Gypsy Feet

Monday, May 16, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Self Love

"I woke up this morning and I had a hard time for a while," said one recovering man. "Then I realized it was because I wasn't liking myself very much." Recovering people often say: I just don't like myself. When will I start liking myself?

The answer is: start now. We can learn to be gentle, loving, and nurturing with ourselves. Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving ourselves may be the most difficult, and the most important. If we are habitually harsh and critical toward ourselves, learning to be gentle with ourselves may require dedicated effort.

But what a valuable venture!

By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting, neglect, or abuse we received in childhood from the important people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves poorly.

We can stop the pattern. We can begin giving ourselves the loving, respectful treatment we deserve.

Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed well enough.

We can wake up in the morning and tell ourselves we deserve a good day.

We can make a commitment to take good care of ourselves throughout the day.

We can recognize that were deserving of love. We can do loving things for ourselves.

We can love other people and let them love us.

People, who truly love themselves do not become destructively self-centered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love others well too. They continually grow into healthier people, learning that their love was appropriately placed.

Today, I will love myself. If I get caught in the old pattern of not liking myself, I will find a way to get out.

LeadHatter

Amy Well come ci come sa, you pray for me i pray for you also. 2 times now. Grief is process, my grandfather passed, if you will remember around 6 weeks ago. I think when it came to me he did do some good.

I took myself for a walk. I'm grateful for this. Grateful to Anne for modifying my message that i made a mistake in. Grateful and thankful for your prayers Amy.

Very grateful to the author of my other book on recovery one Kenneth M.Adams Ph.D and im pleased Amy that you have found time to appreciate Ms Twain.

You have my condolences Amy for you loss

LeadHatter

Well according to my recovery book weak insecure parents will fulfill their own security needs by ensuring their children remain in a position of needing them.

Thus the parent never has to face their own shortcomings since they are validated by the needs of their offspring. Cr@p this is what my father has been doing to me [perhaps since day 1] but i think it fits his behavior for much of the last 6 years.

I have often noticed that he seems to need to be needed and has twisted and manipulated me into a position whereby i need him quite senselessly over the years.

I had often wondered why he did this, was annoyed and disturbed by it, saw it as wrong, but i had never until now had a reason for why he did it. This is of course a disturbing revelation and a deep one to boot!Poor me ((((( help me brothers and sisters please i need it

Moreover 6 years ago my parents 'rescued' me from London [i had not asked for the rescue nor did i want it, i was cajoled and accepted because they persuaded and manipulated me into it].

This now seems to fit the criteria for a codependent 'Rescue' being that a it was not asked for b it was ill thought out and c it was quite possibly unnecessary. That 'rescue' did rob me of my own power since if i was 'rescued' i had become 'de facto' powerless the moment i allowed it to happen to us

I was doing alright in the big smoke i mean i was struggling but i would have found a way. Mumsy and Dadsy of course knew better and proceeded to 'save me' from a situation that i don't think needed that sort of action. Wow this codie thing has so many truisms in it for us wow

That too [the stealing of my pride and unnecessary taking over of my life] has been a bugbear at times since it happened way back in 2005 although i have not really had any way of understanding the whys and wherefores until now.

Oh dear. I do think my father to be one of the most codependently manipulative needy person I know and my mother has codie traits also. AAAAAAARG and these are the people i have been looking to for support these last 6 years!!!!People [in my fathers case at least] who have been manipulating me into a position of need contra to my own best interests.

F me jesus wept

MsPINKAcres

((Amy)) so very sorry for your loss - I would imagine that you would feels lots of pain and grief - your own and also watching your dad lose his friend - whatever their relationship was - it still hurts to see your loved ones in pain ~ and with your precious, caring heart - that adds to YOUR pain. Please take good care of you!

My other friends here - please know that you are in my thoughts & prayers -

So many stressful things going on at work - not able to access this site for long at work so I've been miss all of you dearly!

As for the Shania Twain thing - please remember what you "see" on the outside is not what "lives" on the inside - had that discussion today with a co-worker. Another co-worker made a smart comment about my size and that she is so sure I have no problems finding clothes to wear cuz I'm a skinny B#$%H!
Which I allowed to immediately make me angry! I refuse to go shopping with anyone just because of these comments. Just because the number on the size of the clothes I wear is small doesn't mean it's easy to purchase clothes, it doesn't mean that I still don't look in the mirror and hate what I see, it doesn't mean that everything fits right, it doesn't mean that the clothes that do fit are age appropriate and most of all when I LOOK in that mirror it doesn't mean that I still don't hear my mother's voice saying. . .

"you know I never really thought you were that pretty - you have a nice smile, but just never really that pretty"

I'll be 47 yrs old next month and just typing those words still brings tears to my eyes.

So yes I can definitely believe someone as beautiful as Shania Twain can have self-esteem or distorted body imagine issues -

Some days I will all mirrors were broken!

I think I'll go throw up now! (just venting - I really won't but somedays I really feel like it!)

So if you were never told this as a child or young lady ~ YOU ARE Beautiful - every stitch of you - and Kevin - you are handsome - The God of my understanding created in you a gorgeous person and I SEE IT!

PINK HUGS and prayers for comfort for all who face struggles today!
Rita

LeadHatter

Well we have eachother i guess ((MrsPink)) ((Amy)) ((me))

MsPink my father used to call me stupid alot, 'ignorant' was his word so i understand the pain a parent can do to a child, old or young. I tend to think my father was wrong and if anything he called me stupid because i was smart.

Impurrfect

This is just not my day After the dentists office called to remind me of my appt. tomorrow, stepmom told me C's funeral is tomorrow, we are getting ready for visitation right now. Rescheduled the dental appt.

While I was getting ready to do stores, heard Patches with a pitiful meow..she was, again, stuck in the attic (don't know how she gets up there). I had to climb on a chair and go through a dozen keys to find the one that opened the attic. Last time, dad went up there, she ran from him and I got her to come to me, shaking a bag of treats.

No light in the attic, went to the store to get a flashlight. As I was up there, Elvis started climbing the stairs, I turned to shoo him back down, stepped off a rafter and went through the floor of the attic.

Luckily, instincts kicked in and I grabbed hold of the rafter then dropped to the concrete carport. I'm okay, but have lots of scratches, bruises, etc. Scared stepmom half to death (not to mention ME!). Went to sit in the plastic chair that Mots always sits in and IT broke. Got a knot on my arm from that. It's not like I weigh THAT much, but sheez. Finally headed to the store, realized I'd left the bag I have most of my stuff in but was able to do one store.

Oh, and while I was taking pictures of my boo-boo's to send to Tess (we are both klutzes), heard a thump on the deck and Patches had jumped down from THAT hole. Now that I know she can get out, there will be no more trips to the attic. Dad told me it was "stupidity" for even going up there, so reminded him that HE was the one who went up there the last time she was up there. He then went and sat in the broken chair...sigh. I told him I'd JUST told him about the chair, he said "well why the he!! didn't someone throw it away" and I told him I was a bit stunned from falling from the darned attic. It's now in the trash.

The box of my sunglasses had tape stuck on the bottom, caught it on my foot and about fell...again. I just came home.

Asked stepmom if I could use some of her "Beautiful" perfume...Brit had been given it, didn't like and so gave it to stepmom. C is the one who bought me my first bottle, that very first Christmas, and now stepmom can't find it. It's not THAT big a deal, but both Brit and stepmom know that is my favorite perfume, stepmom doesn't even wear it, but it wasn't given to me and now it's MIA. It's like the final straw in today's events.

Taking lots of kleenex to the funeral home.

(((Rita))) - I know you may not feel it, but you are beautiful..inside and out.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

MsPINKAcres

thnxs Amy - prayers for you my precious friend!!!!
love you dearly!

Kevin - you are smart - very smart - smart enough to know to look for a better way of life for yourself - that's not only smart - that's brilliant!

PINK HUGS!

LeadHatter

MrsPink you have helped me again, and again i am grateful thank you pink hugs. (())

Reading your message ((Amy)) you sound calm. That is impressive. I found comfort in spiritual notions of afterlife myself regarding my grandfathers passing.

Chino

Oh (((Amy)))!!! You were going to hit a concrete bottom no matter what you did to save yourself If all of that made you feel powerless and want to scream and cry, maybe that's a good thing. If you're feeling raw, there will be no holding back during visitation and at the funeral. Then there will be empty spaces inside you ready and waiting to be filled with good things.

On a funny/sad note with self esteem (can't decide which one), I ran across my freshman high school ID card. I look exactly the same as I did when I was 14, including my hair. My husband and our kids all laughed after they got over the shock. I thought about sharing it with friends, but now I'm second guessing myself. Is it ever a good thing for a 47 year old woman to look like she's 14? Or was it ever a good thing for a 14 year old to look like she was 47? I'm driving myself crazy lol.

Impurrfect

(((Chino))) - I think it's pretty cool that you look 14

The visitation was nice, if that's the right word. Talked to T, H (the granddaughter), A, the foster daughter and C's mom. We've all been worried about her but she seems to be doing well. She said she didn't know how she was gonna make it without C, but she would. T and I talked about rehab a little..I just wanted him to know that I understand. I told dad and stepmom that the fact he isn't drinking right now, is pretty awesome.

I'd had a bit of a nervous feeling about seeing L (she's C's cousin, not niece), explaining why I was no longer a nurse (but was going to be honest). I knew she'd been in a bad car wreck, was in a lot of pain, and dad and stepmom just told me today, she'd had to go to rehab for pain medicine addiction, so I'm not nervous about it any more.

I KNOW I shouldn't be feeling the shame, but it flared up.

On the little card they had, was the "Heaven's Gate" saying, and though I've read it before, it definitely brought me to tears. The last paragraph says

"When you are lonely and sick of heart
Go to the friends that we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Love me, but let me go" (Anonymous)

Tess had made me take "The gazelle's oath..I will not walk on anything higher than a curb, I will not seek out to rescue animals who can handle themselves, etc" We went out to eat afterwards, I walked out to smoke a cigarette, and kid you not...walked right into a curb...sigh. No damage, I'm home and am probably going to bed soon.

I'm not in the frame of mind to study, and that's okay. I've asked Tess to remind me I have class tomorrow night...my days are kinda running together.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Gypsy Feet

Tuesday, May 17, 2011
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Boundaries

Sometimes, life and people seem to push and push. Because we are so used to pain, we may tell ourselves it doesn't hurt. Because we are so used to people controlling and manipulating us, we may tell ourselves there is something wrong with us.

There's nothing wrong with us. Life is pushing and hurting to get our attention. Sometimes, the pain and pushing are pointing toward a lesson. The lesson may be that we've become too controlling. Or maybe we're being pushed to own our power to take care of ourselves. The issue is boundaries.

If something or somebody is pushing us to our limit, that's exactly what's happening: we're being pushed to our limits. We can be grateful for the lesson that's here to help us explore and set our boundaries.

Today, I will give myself permission to set the limits I want and need to set in my life.

Gypsy Feet

Love this reading and it is another one that reminds me of how far I have come, yaaaayyyyyyy! It is every where now. When the trainwreck goes out and wants me to deliver him food and I tell him to meet me in a meeting, when people disappoint me and I see my own defects mirrored in them and can love us both through the experience, when I stand up for myself at the risk of losing someone.

I look forward to the next lesson, even when I know it may hurt

Dee74

we continue here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-19-a.html

Thanks
D