Seren

Thank you for sharing your story, helpwanted. That was really very brave of you.

How exciting to hear that you are going to college soon!!! I hope for wonderful new opportunities and experiences for you!

Let us know how it goes.....do you know what you want your major to be yet?

Hugs, HG

renthead

I am also a cutter started cutting in 98 and am now 3 months sober i quit once for about 9 months but then started again after my fiance died but this time im done for good because i saw how much pain it caused me and my friends and family around me. i went through a rehab program and got 5 books during that time that really helped me and still helps me to this day.

the books are;
skin game by caroline kettlewell
cutting by steven levenkron
the luckiest girl in the world by steven levenkron
cut by patricia mccormick
blade silver by melody carlson

they are all really good helpful reads. i hope these will be able to help you like it helps me.

nandm

to SR. Glad you are here.

helpwanted101

poem
I have yet to die
My breath is strange
I don't want to live my
Life like this...
Any more.

If I could
I would cut
Just to breathe
To relax
To remind me
I am still here

If that
Last breath came.
I would be painless
Free
Sinless

If they
cried.
It was a mistake.

If only
I could start over.
I would have
Not hurt me or
others.

But who cares about
"If only"
I am stuck.
With my past.
Me.

I want them
to care.
To understand.
To hold me tight.
Never let go.
A shoulder to cry on.

Why can't
I open my
eyes.
To see what
is in front of
Me?

ClayTheScribe

Thanks for posting this poem, help. I really like it. It's really brave of you to put your feelings out here like this. And good for you for not cutting. It's easy to give in, but in the long run you'll feel better that you didn't.

You may be stuck with your past, but you are not stuck with your future. You're still young and you have a bright future ahead of you, with lots more friends and shoulders to cry on. Just keeping holding on and being brave.

helpwanted101

last night was really rough for me. i had this awful urge to cut. but i didnt cut really really wanted to....dont say u are proud bc i am not

Seren

(((helpwanted))) I'm sorry last night was such a struggle.

helpwanted101

u guys think it is sooo easy to stop cutting. it like an addiction like yours u cant stop so easyly stop trying to make me stop cold turkey

Seren

I can only imagine that what you are going through is not easy at all. One thing we say on the "Friends and Family" side of things is "progress, not perfection".

No one here expects you to be perfect. Just think of us as your cheerleaders!

Hugs, HG

Astro

Hiya help Remember me? I'm pretty scarce these days due to a career change but I'm happy to see that you continue to post here and reach out for support.

A Christian college? That's cool!

ClayTheScribe

Hey help. Definitely quitting cutting is incredibly hard, and harder for some than others. I found it about as hard as quitting alcohol. For me, I had to quit cold turkey in order to stop for good, but I did have some relapses before then. The longer I went without cutting, the easier it was for me to stay quit. I understand everyone is different, but you'll find your own way out of this. I feel your frustration though, especially when it seems like no one understands. It's an incredibly hard time in your life right now, but it's important not to get down on yourself if you do cut though. Just pick yourself up and try to do better the next day. That's all you can do. The more you try to love and accept yourself, the easier it will be to quit for good. I think you're being incredibly strong and making a lot of progress though, so keep posting and let us know how you're doing. I think you have a bright, self-injury-free future ahead of you.

helpwanted101

i just feel beat down

Seren

ClayTheScribe

You're going to be fine, help. Just keep hanging in there and staying strong.

:ghug3

helpwanted101

i am going to be fine? i laaugh at that. life sucks.

helpwanted101

i just found i am crazy without the trust that god is there for me.i lost track with him. i got trapped with the devil.i hurt myself last week sunday(the 6th of july 2008) i got mad and cut myself with my nails. i have 2 cuts on my uppper arm. that made me realize that i may have to lie again. and i wanna stope faking. i wanna start being who god wants me to be.
here is what i have done... in 2007 my 9th grade year.. my dad lost his job. that night he told us i was talking to my friend lydia about stuff then my dad called us all into the living room and told us. after her told us i went back to my room and had a panic attack. then i called lydia back and we talked some more. there was soo much stress that i started to cut. i could never use a knife. so i used a push pens, paper clips, and saftey pins. people found out i was cuting and said i was doing it for atention. i seeked help from my old youth pastor. well he called me selfish. i talked tohim twoce. i eventurlly stopped talking to him bc he told me to run away from my feelings( ya i jnow bad advice) i tried to follow it but it only got worse. i wrote him a letter about my past here it is with more details. i started cutting in 9th grade. at first i just wanted to try it. it hurt soo much. but my life was so bad. so i went through the pain and started my addiction to cutting. my addiction was my life. i am still addicted to it. i have had the police on me twice for thoughts of killing myself. i also tried to break my fingers and my little toe.(that never worked_) i got so addicted to pain it was like an addiction to drugs. i used to hit my ankle on my bed. i once i=hit my ankel wir=th a back scratcher and got a 3 inch long bruise on it. i had to go to school so i lied and said i sprained. someone found out and i got introuble. i usedto punch my leg for the pain. i punched the wall one time untill my knuckles bled. when iwas in elemetarty school i used to scream to god ask beg him to kill me. thats the end of the letter.
well i started tocut aain. i love it ' i dont cut deep. .ths is the hard part to write about. i gave into cutting again.. the verball abuse from kids at school continues... i wanted to give up cutting for 4 years now. that hasnt happened. so i am still cutting. why stop when i am only hurting myself. and i love it. people say i have so much to live for but i dont really believe that. cutting is my way out. i know no other way. i want someone to really care about me.and say your not ok when i say i am. in augest of my junior year. i had this wonderful bf. his name was brian. he started touching me and i always told him to stop. but he said that my body was his. that i was his.he started grabbing my boobs, i to make him stop but he was strongerthen me. on wedsenday of band camp. we went out side so i could get cell phone service. while we were outside he was touching me alot. i tried to get some of the instructors attenion but they didnt notice. i was worried about being late so we walked slowly inside. he told me about 5 times that it would be fun to rape me. he led me under the stairs and forced me to sit on his lap. he started putting his hands down my pants i told him no and stop like 500 times. but he wanted to take over me. i was weak. i knew i need to get out of there so i said i need to get back. so when i got to the percussion room. i asked my good friend when u tell a guy to stop should he? she said ya. and then asked if i was ok. i later was warming up and just started crying. and i had to leave the room. i told no one. later that night i had youth group and my friend put her hand on my leg when we were praying and i freaked out. .... life is hard when you know u are not getting better. you try to be ok but your happy face says you are faking..

helpwanted101

my story. i have been on here for many years and ithought yall had a right to know

Seren

((hw101)) You are brave to share more of your story....you don't owe us or anyone else a thing. It's a privilege when someone feels comfortable enough to share here.

Thank you. HG

helpwanted101

wont be posting for a while...

Seren

I hope you are busy getting ready to leave for college! What an exciting time......

Remember, we're cheering for you!