i cut
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
If when I was young, my mother found out that I was cutting myself, she'd give me the biggest knife, and tell me to get the hell out.
It's a social mental disease.
I came from a very poor background. Learned to appreciate everything I had, and any and all food we had.
Lot's of kids who grow up with everything they could ever want, cut themselves and for what? Because they're ungrateful for the little things in their life and look for mom and dad to fix everything.
Get a grip and start to learn how to live.
It's a social mental disease.
I came from a very poor background. Learned to appreciate everything I had, and any and all food we had.
Lot's of kids who grow up with everything they could ever want, cut themselves and for what? Because they're ungrateful for the little things in their life and look for mom and dad to fix everything.
Get a grip and start to learn how to live.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Actually Kiki it's not. It's not a disease of the rich and modern. It's documented back into millenia in various forms.
I don't know if there are "fakers" or not, people who cut and parade around for attention, but even that seems like some pretty crazy behavior, not the sort of thing a well adjusted person would do. But most of the cutters I know hide it. I have always hidden it, not just so I wouldn't be locked up, but because I recognized it was abnormal behavior and was ashamed that I was so bad at dealing with life that I behaved that way.
I am not going to sit here and defend my feelings and behavior to anyone. Each of us has different experiences. I'm glad that you stopped.
I am 46, live alone thousands of miles from family and most of my friends, have worked hard my entire life for everything I had. I am hardly some rich kid surrounded by toys hoping my mommy and daddy will give me more stuff.
Just like substance addicts come in all shapes and sizes and from all socioeconomic and education levels, so do people with process addictions.
In the end, "getting a grip" is the answer to all these things, that's how we end up on SR.
I don't know if there are "fakers" or not, people who cut and parade around for attention, but even that seems like some pretty crazy behavior, not the sort of thing a well adjusted person would do. But most of the cutters I know hide it. I have always hidden it, not just so I wouldn't be locked up, but because I recognized it was abnormal behavior and was ashamed that I was so bad at dealing with life that I behaved that way.
I am not going to sit here and defend my feelings and behavior to anyone. Each of us has different experiences. I'm glad that you stopped.
I am 46, live alone thousands of miles from family and most of my friends, have worked hard my entire life for everything I had. I am hardly some rich kid surrounded by toys hoping my mommy and daddy will give me more stuff.
Just like substance addicts come in all shapes and sizes and from all socioeconomic and education levels, so do people with process addictions.
In the end, "getting a grip" is the answer to all these things, that's how we end up on SR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
I'm glad that you stopped.
Cutting, starving yourself, etc.....is beyond my comprehension.
You can be offended by what I say, but there's many people that feel this way, they just don't say it, in case they "hurt" your feelings in case you go cutting out of reading the posts.
Let's get statistics in other poverty nations and compare.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Originally Posted by kiki5711 
I never ever in my life even thought about doing something like that, so I didn't STOP, cause I never started.
Cutting, starving yourself, etc.....is beyond my comprehension.
You can be offended by what I say, but there's many people that feel this way, they just don't say it, in case they "hurt" your feelings in case you go cutting out of reading the posts.
Let's get statistics in other poverty nations and compare.
Cutting, starving yourself, etc.....is beyond my comprehension.
You can be offended by what I say, but there's many people that feel this way, they just don't say it, in case they "hurt" your feelings in case you go cutting out of reading the posts.
Let's get statistics in other poverty nations and compare.
Lots of people have said what you have. I don't cut because of what people say or because my poor little feelings are hurt.
I have no interest in trying to defend something that I recognize as disordered and am trying to overcome.
If you can find the statistics (and cutting is only one of the myriad forms of compulsive self mutilation) share them.
This situation is not limited to humans. Many animals who experience chronic anxiety do it as well. Scratching compulsively till they have bald raw spots, chewing their paws, etc.
It's not pretty, and it's not something I am proud of, but whether you comprehend it or not, it's real.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
as in Parrots. Being alone and not having anyone to socialize with, they will scratch themselves to death.
But they have no "logic" of why they do it. It's part of natural behavior.
We on the other hand have plenty reasoning, choices, help, no matter what situation you're in.
If for example you live with a family that abuses you, are all alcoholics and neglect you, I can see why you would try anything to take the pain away.
But always remember, there's help out there, so reach out, please.
I don't think it's a disorder you are born with. It's a coping mechanism in extremely painful living conditions.
But they have no "logic" of why they do it. It's part of natural behavior.
We on the other hand have plenty reasoning, choices, help, no matter what situation you're in.
If for example you live with a family that abuses you, are all alcoholics and neglect you, I can see why you would try anything to take the pain away.
But always remember, there's help out there, so reach out, please.
I don't think it's a disorder you are born with. It's a coping mechanism in extremely painful living conditions.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Yes, it's a coping mechanism, but I call these things in my own mind a non coping mechanism, because it doesn't address the real issue. It's a thing that animals and people do in a frustratingly hopeless situation.
exactly as the one's you described, and most often these maladaptive behaviors start in childhood. They can be hard to root out because they reach back so far. But there are treatments and therapies, and while I have not read this whole long thread, I hope that the reason it exists is because the people here recognize this behavior as maladaptive and are looking for REAL ways to address the painful issues in life.
I don't know exactly whether it is genetic or not, but I do know this. Many of my sibs (I come from a large family) have some variation of this behavior that shows up during stress. Nail biting, cuticle peeling etc. Those are pretty benign, but it's a trait that runs in our family, and those are basically unconscious actions.
They get more acute and serious as the stress ramps up. My brother has always been a nail biter, but when he is under more stress he picks at his knuckles till they bleed. As a kid, he used to pick his nose in his sleep until he got nosebleeds.
I recall as a toddler banging my head against the wall when I was totally stressed over our crazy family situation. No one taught me that. I didn't hear about it on tv or read it in a book. I hid it because my mom, like yours would not only have been unimpressed but would have beaten the crap out of me.
So I do think there is some sort of genetic predisposition towards this behavior. Just like there seems to be some genetic predisposition towards alcohol abuse. Not everyone with those genetics will end up a cutter/alcoholic, but given certain situations, stresses etc, the likelyhood is high.
Among my sibs, I may have taken it farther than they have, it's hard to tell with a behavior that one is likely to hide. We've never spoken about it, but most of them bear some scars associated with picking etc behavior.
I didn't one day decide to cut. It grew out of the previous behaviors. And I have gone for long periods of time without any extreme episodes of these self harming behaviors. But when I start to get stressed, they begin to creep back in. Usually subtly, picking at my scalp while I read, biting off my cuticles, picking at scabs etc.
A few months ago at work, I had a bandage over a spot of my face that had gotten infected because I picked at it. Several people asked after it and I told them I have a bad habit of picking at myself when I am stressed out. Many of them nodded, they shared that when they get stressed, they nail bite, scratch an area raw on their leg etc. I was surprised how many people openly shared that information.
I guess in some people that sort of stress "tick" goes haywire and becomes compulsive.
exactly as the one's you described, and most often these maladaptive behaviors start in childhood. They can be hard to root out because they reach back so far. But there are treatments and therapies, and while I have not read this whole long thread, I hope that the reason it exists is because the people here recognize this behavior as maladaptive and are looking for REAL ways to address the painful issues in life.
I don't know exactly whether it is genetic or not, but I do know this. Many of my sibs (I come from a large family) have some variation of this behavior that shows up during stress. Nail biting, cuticle peeling etc. Those are pretty benign, but it's a trait that runs in our family, and those are basically unconscious actions.
They get more acute and serious as the stress ramps up. My brother has always been a nail biter, but when he is under more stress he picks at his knuckles till they bleed. As a kid, he used to pick his nose in his sleep until he got nosebleeds.
I recall as a toddler banging my head against the wall when I was totally stressed over our crazy family situation. No one taught me that. I didn't hear about it on tv or read it in a book. I hid it because my mom, like yours would not only have been unimpressed but would have beaten the crap out of me.
So I do think there is some sort of genetic predisposition towards this behavior. Just like there seems to be some genetic predisposition towards alcohol abuse. Not everyone with those genetics will end up a cutter/alcoholic, but given certain situations, stresses etc, the likelyhood is high.
Among my sibs, I may have taken it farther than they have, it's hard to tell with a behavior that one is likely to hide. We've never spoken about it, but most of them bear some scars associated with picking etc behavior.
I didn't one day decide to cut. It grew out of the previous behaviors. And I have gone for long periods of time without any extreme episodes of these self harming behaviors. But when I start to get stressed, they begin to creep back in. Usually subtly, picking at my scalp while I read, biting off my cuticles, picking at scabs etc.
A few months ago at work, I had a bandage over a spot of my face that had gotten infected because I picked at it. Several people asked after it and I told them I have a bad habit of picking at myself when I am stressed out. Many of them nodded, they shared that when they get stressed, they nail bite, scratch an area raw on their leg etc. I was surprised how many people openly shared that information.
I guess in some people that sort of stress "tick" goes haywire and becomes compulsive.
drop dead gorgeous
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Evansville,IN
Posts: 232
Self-harm can be difficult to understand. Many self-harmers say that they don't fully understand it themselves, so how can anyone else?
Imagine you've had a terrible day. You've been overworked and you didn't get your breaks as usual. Your boss/teacher has shouted at you all day. You have been humiliated in front of others. Perhaps it was your fault, perhaps it wasn't. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you have come home feeling angry, tired, confused, bitter and beweildered. There are so many feelings whizzing around your head that it's impossible to deal with them all. You don't even know where to start. You just want to curl up into a ball and hide away, but you have to cook the dinner/do your homework/wash the kids' clothes/clean the bathroom. So to help you get back in control, you do something. For some, it will be to pour a glass of wine. For others, a half hour sit down on the sofa. Perhaps you listen to music or watch a comedy show. Whatever it is, it relaxes you and helps you to get on with your chores.
For some people, it's self-harm. And it's not weird or disgusting: it's just what works for them. It is NOT a suicide attempt. It is a coping method.
Of course, self-harm is not a very positive way of dealing with these emotions. Instead of working through them, it covers them up; papers over the cracks. But the cracks are still there underneath.
Self-harm is addictive. This doesn't mean that everyone who does it is addicted; but it does mean that if you find it's the only way you can get through your life, then it's very hard to give up. And, as many self-harmers would argue, why is it a problem if you're not hurting anyone else?
The answer is it's a problem because it's hurting you. Like drugs, it gives you a temporary high, but you have to come down sometime. And when you do, the same problems are still there.
Most self-harmers know that what they're doing isn't constructive. But many are too scared to give it up. It's familiar; they know it works. How can they get through the day/week/month without it?
The good news is it doesn't have to be forever. There are other ways of coping. And thanks to the internet there are hundreds of helpful resources at hand. The best one is selfharm.net
It was set up by an ex-self-harmer and it is packed with helpful information, along with practical resources and book reviews.
If you are in the UK there is another excellent site called FirstSigns at LifeSIGNS Voluntary Organisation :: Self Injury Guidance & Network Support It provides information about National Self-Injury Awareness Day and sells wristbands, along with updates about media articles and items on self-harm. The site has grown considerably since it was set up in 2002 and also contains valuable resources for those working with self-harmers.
The National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) published a report on Young People and Self Harm in 2008. It was the result of two years' collation of information, much of it contributed by self-harmers. You can find the report at Self-Harm: Recovery, Advice and Support - TheSite.org
If you are aged 13-19 then you might find connexions-direct.com helpful.
For a list of common misconceptions about self-harm, look at Self Harm - the facts
For further resources on self-harm go to www.siari.co.uk/
For a personal site set up by an ex-self-harmer who was bullied at school, go to stampoutbullying.tripod.com/
For further help and advice, check out the following sites:
SANE | Mental health charity | Meeting the challenge of mental illness
Mind, For better mental health | Mind
Samaritans Home Page
ChildLine
YoungMinds
Imagine you've had a terrible day. You've been overworked and you didn't get your breaks as usual. Your boss/teacher has shouted at you all day. You have been humiliated in front of others. Perhaps it was your fault, perhaps it wasn't. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you have come home feeling angry, tired, confused, bitter and beweildered. There are so many feelings whizzing around your head that it's impossible to deal with them all. You don't even know where to start. You just want to curl up into a ball and hide away, but you have to cook the dinner/do your homework/wash the kids' clothes/clean the bathroom. So to help you get back in control, you do something. For some, it will be to pour a glass of wine. For others, a half hour sit down on the sofa. Perhaps you listen to music or watch a comedy show. Whatever it is, it relaxes you and helps you to get on with your chores.
For some people, it's self-harm. And it's not weird or disgusting: it's just what works for them. It is NOT a suicide attempt. It is a coping method.
Of course, self-harm is not a very positive way of dealing with these emotions. Instead of working through them, it covers them up; papers over the cracks. But the cracks are still there underneath.
Self-harm is addictive. This doesn't mean that everyone who does it is addicted; but it does mean that if you find it's the only way you can get through your life, then it's very hard to give up. And, as many self-harmers would argue, why is it a problem if you're not hurting anyone else?
The answer is it's a problem because it's hurting you. Like drugs, it gives you a temporary high, but you have to come down sometime. And when you do, the same problems are still there.
Most self-harmers know that what they're doing isn't constructive. But many are too scared to give it up. It's familiar; they know it works. How can they get through the day/week/month without it?
The good news is it doesn't have to be forever. There are other ways of coping. And thanks to the internet there are hundreds of helpful resources at hand. The best one is selfharm.net
It was set up by an ex-self-harmer and it is packed with helpful information, along with practical resources and book reviews.
If you are in the UK there is another excellent site called FirstSigns at LifeSIGNS Voluntary Organisation :: Self Injury Guidance & Network Support It provides information about National Self-Injury Awareness Day and sells wristbands, along with updates about media articles and items on self-harm. The site has grown considerably since it was set up in 2002 and also contains valuable resources for those working with self-harmers.
The National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) published a report on Young People and Self Harm in 2008. It was the result of two years' collation of information, much of it contributed by self-harmers. You can find the report at Self-Harm: Recovery, Advice and Support - TheSite.org
If you are aged 13-19 then you might find connexions-direct.com helpful.
For a list of common misconceptions about self-harm, look at Self Harm - the facts
For further resources on self-harm go to www.siari.co.uk/
For a personal site set up by an ex-self-harmer who was bullied at school, go to stampoutbullying.tripod.com/
For further help and advice, check out the following sites:
SANE | Mental health charity | Meeting the challenge of mental illness
Mind, For better mental health | Mind
Samaritans Home Page
ChildLine
YoungMinds
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
One misconception is that self harm is a "teen" thing. Over twenty years ago while in a psych hospital I met, for the first time in my life, other people who self harmed. I had thought I was the only one. There were women in their 40's etc who were chronic self harmers.
It's a real, serious issue, not an after school special. The people who self harm can't be pigeon holed any more than alcoholics or drug abusers, as far as "type".
Last summer I worked with a thirty two year old man who cuts and burns himself.
It's a real, serious issue, not an after school special. The people who self harm can't be pigeon holed any more than alcoholics or drug abusers, as far as "type".
Last summer I worked with a thirty two year old man who cuts and burns himself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
I have been through humiliation over and over again since I can remember as a small human being. At 11 yrs of age, when I came to America, the hardship was even 10 times harder including not even understanding the insults.
Somehow, I made all through that and became a person of my own, dammnining anyone that would try to tell me how to feel, what to do, and when.
I went on my own road of rebellion and am still to this day. But it's rebellion for good causes. Cutting, starving, suicide never entered my mind.
Ok, I gotta be honest, I did wants to "off" a few people "if you know what I mean" but talked myself out of it cause I thought they weren't worth spending 15 yrs in prison. "shi'''''''t heads"
I'd rather leave big pile of dog poopie on their car windshield every day and make them go "mad and insane"
Ha ha, now i'm starting to sound a bit loony.
Somehow, I made all through that and became a person of my own, dammnining anyone that would try to tell me how to feel, what to do, and when.
I went on my own road of rebellion and am still to this day. But it's rebellion for good causes. Cutting, starving, suicide never entered my mind.
Ok, I gotta be honest, I did wants to "off" a few people "if you know what I mean" but talked myself out of it cause I thought they weren't worth spending 15 yrs in prison. "shi'''''''t heads"
I'd rather leave big pile of dog poopie on their car windshield every day and make them go "mad and insane"
Ha ha, now i'm starting to sound a bit loony.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
baby, to me, and I know this sounds bizarre, cutting does not feel like injuring, it feels like self care. It brings relief, not more pain.
In that sense it is like substance abuse, we basically do something that is ultimately destructive to get an short immediate relief from overwhelming feelings.
In that sense it is like substance abuse, we basically do something that is ultimately destructive to get an short immediate relief from overwhelming feelings.
drop dead gorgeous
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Evansville,IN
Posts: 232
why lee and i broke up? is bc whenever i said no, stop, ow, or that hurts he wouldnt stop what he was doing. it was an abusive relationship and i knew i needed out. so i broke up with him. prob best in the long run but it still hurts me. and i am still beat up about it. i still cant talk abouyt it bc i still cry about what happened. bbut i am not allowing my self to full blown cry bc i kinda feel like it was my fault about some of the stuff he did to me. like maybe i could have stopped it and maybe i could have done something. any thing i feel like i didnt do enough to stop him. maybe it was my fault. all i want to do is cry and be alone. but i also want to cut. and give into the temptation to it. and just hurt myself like he hurt me bc i feel like i deserve it. i derseve to be hurt and it sucks,
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Two things can exist at once. Two feelings can be in us at once, and they don't cancel one another out.
You have a right to cry over something whether or not it's "your fault" that it's gone, or however you want to phrase it. Not crying may be a way of hanging on, of trying to control things that aren't ours to control.
I sometimes turn to an image of feelings as vehicles going down a road. They come and go. Sometimes there's a time one swerves off road into a ditch, get stuck, but then a tow truck comes and that feeling moves on as well. Sometimes there is a seven car pile up but even those get cleaned up and life goes on.
When there is a pile up, and carnage, it's ok to cry. Gawkers slow down, react, cry over the mess, then slowly them move on and the wreckage is towed away again.
It's ok to cry. We don't have to apologize for feeling something and reacting to something hard. It's ok, it's part of what it takes to move on and get out of the way so the wreckage can be cleaned up.
I understand what cutting does, how it "feels", and how it makes real and visible a pain that we feel but cannot see. But when we awaken from it's spell, the wreckage is there still, and now we've added to the carnage, and there is one more thing to be towed away.
It's easy to think that cutting is the fix that harms no one. It's not like chemicals...we can kid ourselves...but it alters our internal chemistry, literally. Chemicals are released and flow through us, and make us high and numb and it's a little bit of ecstacy that we don't have to buy on the street. And we run to it and become obsessed by it.
It can feel, for a time, like the ultimate power, but it is one more thing we are giving ourselves over to. Is it the cutting that is tempting me? Calling me towards itself, or is it something else that I am fleeing? Is the question "why do I want to cut?" or is the question "what is it I don't want to face?"
Last week was a 9 car pile up with a jack knifed semi and a gasoline truck all wrecked together on the highway of my life. Friday night it all came to a screeching, screaming, tearing of metal, burning of flesh crisis. And I felt myself spiraling into it, drawn in, rather than moving on...carreening straight towards it. but somehow I stopped, and asked myself "do I really want to go there?", Even as I felt that familiar sweet thrill slipping through me, a voice whispered "you've been here before...it wasn't pretty"
I ended up calling a suicide crisis line. Not because I was immenently going to do myself in, but because I was on the brink of doing one thousand other things that are a slow suicide of both body and soul. The person on the crisis line was like a traffic cop, directing me around the wreckage so I wouldn't become part of it.
It was a good call. I am tired of crying, exhausted and sick of crying, head achey from crying, but I am not part of that wreckage, I am moving on.
cutting is more like heroin than any other substance I have ever ingested. The only thing that comes close to it for me, is anorexia.
You have a right to cry over something whether or not it's "your fault" that it's gone, or however you want to phrase it. Not crying may be a way of hanging on, of trying to control things that aren't ours to control.
I sometimes turn to an image of feelings as vehicles going down a road. They come and go. Sometimes there's a time one swerves off road into a ditch, get stuck, but then a tow truck comes and that feeling moves on as well. Sometimes there is a seven car pile up but even those get cleaned up and life goes on.
When there is a pile up, and carnage, it's ok to cry. Gawkers slow down, react, cry over the mess, then slowly them move on and the wreckage is towed away again.
It's ok to cry. We don't have to apologize for feeling something and reacting to something hard. It's ok, it's part of what it takes to move on and get out of the way so the wreckage can be cleaned up.
I understand what cutting does, how it "feels", and how it makes real and visible a pain that we feel but cannot see. But when we awaken from it's spell, the wreckage is there still, and now we've added to the carnage, and there is one more thing to be towed away.
It's easy to think that cutting is the fix that harms no one. It's not like chemicals...we can kid ourselves...but it alters our internal chemistry, literally. Chemicals are released and flow through us, and make us high and numb and it's a little bit of ecstacy that we don't have to buy on the street. And we run to it and become obsessed by it.
It can feel, for a time, like the ultimate power, but it is one more thing we are giving ourselves over to. Is it the cutting that is tempting me? Calling me towards itself, or is it something else that I am fleeing? Is the question "why do I want to cut?" or is the question "what is it I don't want to face?"
Last week was a 9 car pile up with a jack knifed semi and a gasoline truck all wrecked together on the highway of my life. Friday night it all came to a screeching, screaming, tearing of metal, burning of flesh crisis. And I felt myself spiraling into it, drawn in, rather than moving on...carreening straight towards it. but somehow I stopped, and asked myself "do I really want to go there?", Even as I felt that familiar sweet thrill slipping through me, a voice whispered "you've been here before...it wasn't pretty"
I ended up calling a suicide crisis line. Not because I was immenently going to do myself in, but because I was on the brink of doing one thousand other things that are a slow suicide of both body and soul. The person on the crisis line was like a traffic cop, directing me around the wreckage so I wouldn't become part of it.
It was a good call. I am tired of crying, exhausted and sick of crying, head achey from crying, but I am not part of that wreckage, I am moving on.
cutting is more like heroin than any other substance I have ever ingested. The only thing that comes close to it for me, is anorexia.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
