Major depression/Bipolar Journal III
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
hell forget dating, i'd even settle for one passionate kiss.
and yea....that last guy who said that to me...(that he's a nice one and tired of being taken advantage of)....convienently forgot to mention the "peace talks" him and his ex were having...all while he and i were getting to know each other and talking ever day.
he says, that I "fit him perfectly" (except for my smoking habit)...and yet....he got back together with his ex for reasons he says are basicly b/c he's a push-over.
whatever. they all got some weapon to hurt me with....regardless of how "nice" they think it might be.
and yea....that last guy who said that to me...(that he's a nice one and tired of being taken advantage of)....convienently forgot to mention the "peace talks" him and his ex were having...all while he and i were getting to know each other and talking ever day.
he says, that I "fit him perfectly" (except for my smoking habit)...and yet....he got back together with his ex for reasons he says are basicly b/c he's a push-over.
whatever. they all got some weapon to hurt me with....regardless of how "nice" they think it might be.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i've got to go get some sleep...thank you both for being here tonight. really. i needed not to feel so alone tonight.
Tena, if i could just accept the bad from my childhood instead of constantly letting myself be frustrated for now having to work so hard to accomplish so little, so slowly...then things would probably be better in my head. but hurtful things just seem to be stuck to every part of who i am.
the thought of not being kissed, loved, or holding hands with anyone for 13 years....that....to me is my definition of Biblical Hell. It's only been 2 years now since i've gotten such gifts...and with each passing month i convince myself more about what a horribly disqusting ugly and unlovable person i am. who wants to live their lives being TRUELY repulsed by their own reflection in the mirror?
Tena, if i could just accept the bad from my childhood instead of constantly letting myself be frustrated for now having to work so hard to accomplish so little, so slowly...then things would probably be better in my head. but hurtful things just seem to be stuck to every part of who i am.
the thought of not being kissed, loved, or holding hands with anyone for 13 years....that....to me is my definition of Biblical Hell. It's only been 2 years now since i've gotten such gifts...and with each passing month i convince myself more about what a horribly disqusting ugly and unlovable person i am. who wants to live their lives being TRUELY repulsed by their own reflection in the mirror?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
Tena and Jenna,
I typed a long post but it wouldn't post for some reason. I will be spending tuesdays with my niece and nephew until school starts. I still get depressed at times but i don't dwell on it.
Drop you an email later.
I typed a long post but it wouldn't post for some reason. I will be spending tuesdays with my niece and nephew until school starts. I still get depressed at times but i don't dwell on it.
Drop you an email later.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Morning tena. i logged on for a moment and i see your lovely green light on.
i'm running late for work...mainly because my house mate left her clothes in the washer last night and the one time i actually HAVE to do laundry. This morning i heard her up and knocked on her door to ask her to pull them out. But now, my clothes are almost done washing and hers are still drying....urg. And even then i'm going to have to knock again to ask her to take them out as i'm sure she's not in the hurry i am to get my clothes done....urg.
i really don't like talking to strangers this early in the day. I should have just took them out last night and put them in her basket, but i've only spoken to her twice before and the last time she told me she was bad about leaving laundry in the machines and that she'd just give me her cell so i could call her in these situations...so that made me think she must not want me pulling her stuff out on my own. but i think next time i'm in this situation....i just will...as i'm sure that's what most people would have probably done the first time. darn it...i hate waiting on things like this and it making me late for work.
--
anyway, i started finally feeling better yesterday afternoon...and seem to be doing okay this morning. i hope it lasts for a while...i have so many things to do.
luv n hugs,
Jenna
i'm running late for work...mainly because my house mate left her clothes in the washer last night and the one time i actually HAVE to do laundry. This morning i heard her up and knocked on her door to ask her to pull them out. But now, my clothes are almost done washing and hers are still drying....urg. And even then i'm going to have to knock again to ask her to take them out as i'm sure she's not in the hurry i am to get my clothes done....urg.
i really don't like talking to strangers this early in the day. I should have just took them out last night and put them in her basket, but i've only spoken to her twice before and the last time she told me she was bad about leaving laundry in the machines and that she'd just give me her cell so i could call her in these situations...so that made me think she must not want me pulling her stuff out on my own. but i think next time i'm in this situation....i just will...as i'm sure that's what most people would have probably done the first time. darn it...i hate waiting on things like this and it making me late for work.
--
anyway, i started finally feeling better yesterday afternoon...and seem to be doing okay this morning. i hope it lasts for a while...i have so many things to do.
luv n hugs,
Jenna
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Tena, Tena...tsk, tsk....are you getting addict to SR again? LOL ...or just leaving your light on 
I was wrong the other morning about my house mate. As i was getting out of the shower i heard her go down and get her clothes from the dryer. i was glad not to have to ask her.
i've been late to work 3 out the 4 days this week. That day, then today i slept thru my alarm (i hadn't been able to fall into a decent sleep till 4 so the 6:30 noise didn't budge me). I did get into work til 11:47!!!
As my boss was leaving for the day...he was standing by my desk and before walking out he said...."do i need to get you a louder, more annoying alarm clock?"
He said it with a smile. he's such a great boss. It really made me thankful for my job. All other past bosses would have given me some kind of nasty tone or lecture or something that would have made me stress more...rather than try harder.
He has a great way about him in that he's able to tell people it's time to step up, without stepping down on them!!!!
I wish i could be more like that.
(((((Katie)))))
giant hugs dear. i understand and hope things get smoother soon.
Too many thoughts is why journaling like this is such a HUGE part of my life. I function so much better when i'm able to make myself sit down, stop...and just write about how i'm feeling or what's going on in my life. The more often i journal....the better i understand how i'm feeling and why. And i often discover answers to my own questions...just by thinking through my fingers to keyboard or pen.
don't quite understand it...other than it's like talking to yourself...about yourself, but not. hummmm....that doesn't make sense. maybe u know what i'm trying to say.
Anyway, i'm super grateful to have you and Tena (and others from time to time) to talk to in this 'inner world' of mine. It also helps me to feel/know that someone else might be listening.
So...as cheesy as it sounds "i'm listening".
hugs,
jenna
I was wrong the other morning about my house mate. As i was getting out of the shower i heard her go down and get her clothes from the dryer. i was glad not to have to ask her.
i've been late to work 3 out the 4 days this week. That day, then today i slept thru my alarm (i hadn't been able to fall into a decent sleep till 4 so the 6:30 noise didn't budge me). I did get into work til 11:47!!!
As my boss was leaving for the day...he was standing by my desk and before walking out he said...."do i need to get you a louder, more annoying alarm clock?"
He said it with a smile. he's such a great boss. It really made me thankful for my job. All other past bosses would have given me some kind of nasty tone or lecture or something that would have made me stress more...rather than try harder.
He has a great way about him in that he's able to tell people it's time to step up, without stepping down on them!!!!
I wish i could be more like that.
(((((Katie)))))
giant hugs dear. i understand and hope things get smoother soon.
Too many thoughts is why journaling like this is such a HUGE part of my life. I function so much better when i'm able to make myself sit down, stop...and just write about how i'm feeling or what's going on in my life. The more often i journal....the better i understand how i'm feeling and why. And i often discover answers to my own questions...just by thinking through my fingers to keyboard or pen.
don't quite understand it...other than it's like talking to yourself...about yourself, but not. hummmm....that doesn't make sense. maybe u know what i'm trying to say.
Anyway, i'm super grateful to have you and Tena (and others from time to time) to talk to in this 'inner world' of mine. It also helps me to feel/know that someone else might be listening.
So...as cheesy as it sounds "i'm listening".
hugs,
jenna
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
no promises necessary. you do what is best for you. I just hope things calm down for you soon. You deserve to be able to relax and enjoy life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
hmmm.....I have been roaming about. Am now on 3 forum sites but spending less time on forums.
Um...I must have misrepresented myself. I was single for 13 years. I was not celibate for 13 years. I would have been doing animals by then! LOL
I must have been talking thinking of husbands and long term relationships and love. I haven't looked up what I said, as you can see.
I have been having some problems with my modem...so I am missing some new posts...as I didn't see this until just now 12:06am officially Friday morning.
Glad you are feeling better.
I, too need to sleep now so that I can be to work somewhat near correct time in the morning. But I am not in an office, I just meet Edie at her house within 10 minutes of agreed upon time which she gives me a 15 minute window and always allows for us to sit and chat on the back porch for awhile before buzzing off to work hard. She knows I get up early but have a hard time getting out the door and we manage to work it out with each other. Really nice not to have a part of my self-esteem tied to whether or not I punch the clock on the dot or 10 minutes later. Or even when I call with reason I am not available or will only be available later. I just have to be fair and not leave her hanging, so that she can schedule clients....so I always give notice well ahead unless emergency. And that only once, as I know it messes up her whole day and sometimes her whole week.
Katie, hope you are well!
Jenna, I will get around to sending you a couple of pms. I procrastinate that. I don't like pms except when necessary. It's a hassle and my box is always full.
Um...I must have misrepresented myself. I was single for 13 years. I was not celibate for 13 years. I would have been doing animals by then! LOL
I must have been talking thinking of husbands and long term relationships and love. I haven't looked up what I said, as you can see.
I have been having some problems with my modem...so I am missing some new posts...as I didn't see this until just now 12:06am officially Friday morning.
Glad you are feeling better.
I, too need to sleep now so that I can be to work somewhat near correct time in the morning. But I am not in an office, I just meet Edie at her house within 10 minutes of agreed upon time which she gives me a 15 minute window and always allows for us to sit and chat on the back porch for awhile before buzzing off to work hard. She knows I get up early but have a hard time getting out the door and we manage to work it out with each other. Really nice not to have a part of my self-esteem tied to whether or not I punch the clock on the dot or 10 minutes later. Or even when I call with reason I am not available or will only be available later. I just have to be fair and not leave her hanging, so that she can schedule clients....so I always give notice well ahead unless emergency. And that only once, as I know it messes up her whole day and sometimes her whole week.
Katie, hope you are well!
Jenna, I will get around to sending you a couple of pms. I procrastinate that. I don't like pms except when necessary. It's a hassle and my box is always full.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
LOL....i agree....my stinking box is always full too! I just had to delete several from mine, but i still have 41 in there :P
Not full b/c i'm popular or anything close....i'm just a pack rat...even with electronic data!
Not full b/c i'm popular or anything close....i'm just a pack rat...even with electronic data!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
seems we're all guitly of electronic clutter :9
I just had my most disturbing work experience to date.
this stupid mansion/elderly living center sold for several million and us being the biz paper we are we do stories on anything we know of that sells for more than a mil or two.
so i went to get pics. i asked several residents outside if i could take their picture, including a bus driver and they all said yes....so i did. but...when the bus driver was wheeling in a resident who's name i still needed....a desk employee jumped me and told me to stop asking the woman her name and to hold on. Even the woman was confused and didn't understand why she couldn't give me her name.
then an upper management lady came rushing in and drilling me with questions like i was being interrogated. i told her i hadn't taken any photos inside...as i'd just walked in and knew i'd need permision for that, but that i can take all the photos i want outdoors in public.
she continued harrasing me and I started walking out and she tried to keep me there and asking questions. I told her "look, there's no need for you to be a b*tch. if you think i've done something wrong i'd suggest you call a lawyer and ask about sueing me." she continued to follow on my heels out the door yelling at me telling me i'm never allowed to come back there.
I assured her i wouldn't be back and flipped her off as I walked to my car.
The psycho woman CONTINUED to follow me to my car...as one of the employees yelled, "Angie (i think was her name) do you want me to call the cops?"
i yelled back, "yes, please do call the cops. Go right ahead i've done nothing wrong." What i should have said was, "yes, please call the cops so i can file an harrassment charge!"
As she continued walking toward me she yelled, "i need those pictures. Give me those pictures!" I stuck my head out my window and told her she was crazy and that even a cop wouldn't be allowed access to my photos (w/o a sapena anyway...and in no way would they be allowed to destroy them like she was wanting to do)
I get in my car as the crazy woman in heels is STILL walking toward my car to get my tag #. I smirked at her, shook my head (like you ain't getting anything) and peeled out in a way that she would least likely be able to get my tag numbers.
So...i'm a nerveous wreck. i've never had that happen to me in all my years. I knew one of the first things the wacko would do is call my paper since i'd told her who i was with. so i called my boss (even though i was in sobing tears by that time) b/c it's always better for him to hear it from me first than from some uneducated coo-coo.
he chuckled, saying "well you've been with us this long and this is the first insane person you've run into - that's pretty good." He told me not to worry, to relax and breath and thanked me for giving him the heads up.
so now i'm about chilled out, but still feel a bit like a nerveous wreck.
*life*
I just had my most disturbing work experience to date.
this stupid mansion/elderly living center sold for several million and us being the biz paper we are we do stories on anything we know of that sells for more than a mil or two.
so i went to get pics. i asked several residents outside if i could take their picture, including a bus driver and they all said yes....so i did. but...when the bus driver was wheeling in a resident who's name i still needed....a desk employee jumped me and told me to stop asking the woman her name and to hold on. Even the woman was confused and didn't understand why she couldn't give me her name.
then an upper management lady came rushing in and drilling me with questions like i was being interrogated. i told her i hadn't taken any photos inside...as i'd just walked in and knew i'd need permision for that, but that i can take all the photos i want outdoors in public.
she continued harrasing me and I started walking out and she tried to keep me there and asking questions. I told her "look, there's no need for you to be a b*tch. if you think i've done something wrong i'd suggest you call a lawyer and ask about sueing me." she continued to follow on my heels out the door yelling at me telling me i'm never allowed to come back there.
I assured her i wouldn't be back and flipped her off as I walked to my car.
The psycho woman CONTINUED to follow me to my car...as one of the employees yelled, "Angie (i think was her name) do you want me to call the cops?"
i yelled back, "yes, please do call the cops. Go right ahead i've done nothing wrong." What i should have said was, "yes, please call the cops so i can file an harrassment charge!"
As she continued walking toward me she yelled, "i need those pictures. Give me those pictures!" I stuck my head out my window and told her she was crazy and that even a cop wouldn't be allowed access to my photos (w/o a sapena anyway...and in no way would they be allowed to destroy them like she was wanting to do)
I get in my car as the crazy woman in heels is STILL walking toward my car to get my tag #. I smirked at her, shook my head (like you ain't getting anything) and peeled out in a way that she would least likely be able to get my tag numbers.
So...i'm a nerveous wreck. i've never had that happen to me in all my years. I knew one of the first things the wacko would do is call my paper since i'd told her who i was with. so i called my boss (even though i was in sobing tears by that time) b/c it's always better for him to hear it from me first than from some uneducated coo-coo.
he chuckled, saying "well you've been with us this long and this is the first insane person you've run into - that's pretty good." He told me not to worry, to relax and breath and thanked me for giving him the heads up.
so now i'm about chilled out, but still feel a bit like a nerveous wreck.
*life*
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
just a short, whiney note to myself that my eyes hurt from crying all day ( i don't know why this thing today affected me so drastically)...and my throat hurts worse than this morning...and my lungs feel just as bad, but the cough seems to have gotten worse.
i'm falling apart again and need to figure out how not to crumble completely before rebuilding things.
i'm falling apart again and need to figure out how not to crumble completely before rebuilding things.
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