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Major depression/Bipolar Journal III

Old 03-03-2007, 05:36 PM
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I have to get some thoughts down before I reply to your lovely post Angelgirl...


------------------------

It's an understatement to say that L-O-V-E has been a constant in my brain lately. Here's what's been in my head for a few days now:

One month, I saw your glance and since can't take my eyes from you.

Two days, I felt your touch on my arm and since can't take my mind from you.

Three moments, I heard your voice laughing with me and now I can't keep my heart from you.

Four days, I've wondered how much more I'm creating of you than what's really there.

Five days, I've wanted to scream, "Just ask me out already!"

--------------------

So, Okay...i've been intrequed/interested/attracted to several different guys over the past several months...none of which went anywhere. This guy...well, I noticed him about 10 months ago. He works in my same office and it was an after hours event I was covering for the paper...and for some reason...our eyes met and that was the first time I actually 'noticed' him. (as mentioned in the poem above). Since then my attraction to him has very slowly developed and I am now near complete infatuation. Now, when I see him (it sounds cheesy, but) I seem to lose my breath for a moment. If I could look at him all day without being obvious to him or anyone else...then I would.

I haven't been this completely attracted to a guy in a really long time. And unlike the last guy I was trying to figure out if there was any receprication...with this one...it seems there is.

It's almost like I can 'feel' him noticing me. (Again, i know all this sounds corny, but when you've felt as lonely as I have lately and haven't even had a kiss in a good 2 years and ...well...it's not corny to me).

But I still feel stupid, as usual. I don't know how to act, what to say and if by some chance i'm completely diluted in my thinking and he isn't attracted to me...then the last thing I would want is anyone in my office to find out how much i like him. How totally embarrasing.

As I write all this...i'm sad...depressed...whatever.

Today, I attended a wedding of the dearest, sweetest girl I've ever known...and yes...it AND their relationship is true storybook. She is a princess and he is her knight. And i feel lucky just to know such wonderful people.

But...it's hard to see someone's fairy-tale "ever after" ...and i'm sitting here wondering why this guy that seems he could be near-perfect for me...doesn't ask me out.

My brain is screaming out horribly, hurtful things about me...telling me i'm stupid, ugly, fat, boring, crazy, difficult, bitchy, grumpy, a stinky smoker and yes...a compulsive gambler. And THAT's why i'll never find my prince and that's why i'm always going to be miserable...and that's probably why some day i'll decide i've had enough and just end it.

Weekly..and often daily...people are telling me or others what a great photographer I am, but it rarely feels true or good to my ears. There is ALWAYS someone better than me. And always someone nearby -- not just someone in another town or state or whatever. All-in-all, i'm tired of not being special to anyone for anything. I want someone to pay attention to me just because. Perhaps that's why I feel so attracted to this guy at work....regardless of if he is attracted to me...he occationally gives me attention that's genuine. If I send him a sassy e-mail (or even a work related e-mail)...instead of replying back in an e-mail...he will either call me on my phone to sass me back or come from the other side of the building to my desk. The smallest of things he does or says makes me smile and laugh.

Why can't that be real? Why can't I have that in my life today, everyday and for the rest of my life?

My brain answers: Because I'm not worth it and I'm going to be dead in 10 years anyway. Yes...death also has been on my mind lately.

At the wedding reception tonight...there was a slide show of childhood pictures of the two playing all night. What was my thought???

I need to gather up some of my favorite childhood photos and put them into a slideshow in case i ever get married...or in case I die and then that way it will already be ready to play at my funeral!!!!

Yeah....crazy, crazyer, crazyest...that's me more than I want to deal with. I've become so increasingly nueratic lately that a week hasnt' gone by with out a co-worker telling me i'm paranoid. I'm tired. I'm over-worked. I'm depressingly manic quite a bit lately it seems. A world torn in two is so much more caotic than one that just flips back and forth.

Anyway...enough rambling for now. Lord please help me gather up some kind of self-esteem, self-love and self-assurance...from SOMEWHERE SOON.
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Old 03-03-2007, 05:50 PM
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Angelgirl, I remember your name and such, but you'll have to refresh me on what we talked about? My memory isn't just bad, it's truely problematic at times for me, but I remember talking to you quite a bit and reading your posts...just don't remember any of it.

It's interesting that you mention your anxiety...because I tend to forget that there is such a thing and that it's probably a big chunk of my issues lately. Anxiety is such an odd concept to me...I have difficulty defining it or what it feels like -- probably because it's been in my life for 30 years and I just grew up with it and so I don't think I know what it's like NOT to have anxiety. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone. Basically, I'm saying...I know I have a lot of anxiety..I just don't know what it is in relation to everything else that's wrong with my head and my thinking.

Thanks for your relating to my post. I actually think there are a whole lot more out there in the world like you and I, but since they enjoy the hypomanias and they can explain away depression as a fact of life...many will never realize.

There was a lady in my office yesterday who I really like, but yesterday she made my life a living hell and I kept telling her over and over and over that she needed to slow down and lay off because she was overwhelming me....she didn't do either. She was clearly (to me) in some form of mania. Now...she's at least 50 and I guarentee you if I sat down and talked to her out of concern and with the sincerest of hearts to help her...she would end up resenting me for trying to tell her she might be "bipolar"

I've ran into that over and over and over...so I know there are more of us out there that we will ever know. And it is ALWAYS good to find people who know they are like us and who are struggling to overcome the same kind of issues. It makes the struggle a little more tolerable.
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Old 03-03-2007, 06:01 PM
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The meds i'm on these days?

Wellbutrin 300 mg and Effexor 150 mg (both extended release).

I haven't been to a psychiatrist for a med evaluation in over a year. For the main reason of a pre-existing condition clause in my insurance ...and owing a past-due amount of about $400 to my pdoc. But...i'm going to HAVE to get myself into one soon...to try to get some help with my paranoia and anxiety. And eventually get back on a mood stabalizer.

I too have developed fear of med changes. It wasn't planned but about a year and a half ago I stopped taking a mood stablizer (as it was making me too sick to even stand and my stupid "state appointed" doctor didn't care to bother with changing me to something else). But, it was ONLY then that I started coming out of the major depressive episode. It was still a slow climb, and it could have been coincidental, but it has made me afraid to go back on a mood stablizer. And for the paranoia, before I was put on Seraquel, which had me craving tons of chocolate and sugar -- so much that in just a few months of being on it and a blood test falsly showed me being a diabetic!! And my body reacted like that of a diabetic for several months even after being off the Seraquel. So no thanks on going back to that one for paranoia.

Anyway...i'm going to go for now...i'm still feeling depressed and feel a strong desire to go shopping (even though i've only got $10 in my checking account at the moment)...i guess bounced checks doesnt' feel as bad as the little bit of endorphins I get from buying things I don't need that just clutter up my already pack-rat-hotel of a house.

sorry for my mood,
Jenna
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Old 03-03-2007, 10:47 PM
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I don't have a whole lot of time right now,, but I just wanted to tell you that although I used to talk to you, and my memory is terrible, but I do remember talking to you alot, but I don't remember what about either. I am sure it was probably mainly about meds, and anxiety,, probably some bi-polar too..
Anyway, for now what I do want to say to you after reading your last post again, I can't remember relating to someone so much.. Now I know why I liked you so much.. Gosh, we are really, really alot alike,...

I'll type more when I have more time.. I have been in one of those moods too, and I haven't really felt like being around much lately.. But it's really great to have you to talk to again..

Thank you..
Prayers,
Becky
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Old 03-04-2007, 12:40 AM
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Major depression/Bipolar

Hello.

I just came on this site after many months and have been catching up with my fellows in AA/NA.

I was diagnosed with BIP/Type I in June. I am tired right now (partly due to Depakote /Seroquel/Trazodone), but am anxious(lol.) to share and learn more aout this disorder.

I will logon later.

Love,

IO Storm
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:06 PM
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Welcome IO STorm!
Angel Girl...I look forward to hearing more as you feel better and have more time to write.

IO Storm...yes...the Depakote and Trazodone will most definetly make you VERY fatigued...especially the Trazodone depending on the dosage. In my case, I believe the Seroquel had the same affect, but through a secondary cause -- I believe it made me crave an enormous excess of sugar...which in turn made me fall sleepy much like that of a diabetic.

Seems like 3 strong head meds to be on all at once? Do you feel confident in your psychiatrist? Have you mentioned the tiredness to him/her?
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Old 03-07-2007, 10:36 PM
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As for my update:

I'm still struggling with a pretty strong episode of depression that comes in waves. For the most part I'm okay once I can get out of bed...and until some minor anything happens around the evening time - then it's a fight to keep back the tears.

And the last two evenings have come with a great deal of inner anger and frustration. Very few times in my life have I ever felt a type of anger that makes me want to hit and kick things, but it has happend. Although, usually I have these "fits" when some significant emotional hurt has fallen upon my life....like a boyfriend walking out and only leaving a note to tell me.

No major anything has happened the past week. Yet I've hit my steering wheel out of anger last night and tonight, when in the elevator heading up through the parking garage...I hit the elevator wall...out of not really anger, but more I think frustration and some hurt I don't even understand. I wanted to start kicking the door and the walls too, but I didn't....out of some stupid fear of getting in trouble or something.

Anyway, this is highly uncharacteristic of me...

Some horrid unknown seems to be churning inside my head. This is stronger than the everyday down talk in my head that beats me up over and over again on it's continuous tape. This is confused, near hopeless frustration.

I hope it goes away soon.

---
Now, the other issues on my brain tonight revolve around my voluteering to do some photography and design work for a group of local independant film makers.

The first time I volunteered my time...it was an hour and a half drive and I just photographed them in action.

The second time...was to be promo type shots for the poster for their next movie released. I had thought it would be just a few people and a few shots and a fairly simple poster design, but instead they had about 9 people to shoot and want them ALL included in the poster...which means I had to take each photo and "cut" the person out of the picture in Photoshop and then a co-worker layered them all into the same document with a design he created....and then the very overly specific one requested by the group.

Now...all of this would be fine and dandy except for 2 things:

1. That day they scheduled me to go take all those pictures (on my day off)...I showed up with no idea that they had planned to have their videographer ALSO take the exact same shots as myself!!!

I have NEVER been put in such a situation before and had I known them better or it been a smaller group...I would have told them how crappy that was to do to me. I mean, if they wanted him to take the pics...then why did they schedule ME to come and do it? And if they wanted ME to do it...then they should have had enough faith in me to get what was needed and not have a "back up" there! It was a huge put down...that I was doing this for free and they didn't trust that I would do it good enough or right. And it was very stressful to have to take turns with another photographer as they went down the list of characters...and also...just deciding where to stand...was a HUGE ordeal...as all of them thought they needed to have some input.

Now....even ALL THAT...was months ago and I had even forgotten about it....until tonight.

You see....after I spent another several hours of my own time digitally cutting out all the images so that my co-worker could put it all together on his last day at the paper....

BUT THEN....come to find out (and this is even AFTER they had continued to keep tabs on my progress with the poster)...THE SAME GUY who they had ALSO taking photos....well....HE had put together a poster too!!!

And EVEN THEN....I hadn't blown my lid...and more than 2 months ago was told that they would send me his version to use it as a guide to get closer to what they want.

Several promises of the same, over and over and I still have yet to have it e-mailed to me.

So....now it's past time when the movie was to have already been released...and after not hearing one word from any of them in a month....I get an e-mail saying basically that we all need to get together and figure it out so it can get finished.

AND...I had told them I wanted to do a press kit for this next movie release...and for more than half a year now have been asking for simple bio information, over and over again. And have yet to get any of it! And I've got a pretty good clue that they are going to want it all ASAP.

---
I took a time out to e-mail the one I know...so we'll see if anything comes of it.
---
Hugs,
Jenna
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Old 03-07-2007, 10:41 PM
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i think the solution for many of my issues like this is...NO MORE volunteering to do for free what I make my living doing...not even for close friends.
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Old 03-27-2007, 09:24 PM
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same stuff...different day.

Been more depressed than not this month.
I've won lots of awards....other people seem to care more than I do though.

Sometimes i think...i'm just an impossible person. Impossible to be happy...impossible to stay in reality instead of my fantasy world where i sometimes believe for a few moments that people love me...or that they might could.
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Old 03-29-2007, 08:01 AM
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[Sometimes i think...i'm just an impossible person. Impossible to be happy...impossible to stay in reality instead of my fantasy world where i sometimes believe for a few moments that people love me...or that they might could.
Shutterbug I can so relate to that feeling. Im having a hardtime right now myself and scared of once again switching medications
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Old 03-31-2007, 10:59 PM
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Girl....i know what you mean.

I know that as soon as I make myself pick a new psychiatrist and go in for an appointment that it will result in a med change, but i'm scared to death about that.

The med rollercoaster isn't a fun one by any means, BUT neither is the way i've been feeling lately. I often feel that I must be the loneliest person in the world. Being alone and unloved and unconnected to someone I can share much of myself with.....is the most painful thing for me. I can't stand the thought of being alone for the rest of my life.

Right now i don't even have a best friend to turn to and if it wasn't for my 1 hour visit with my therapist each week....i know i'd be headed back into the hospital soon b/c the suicidal thoughts would be invading my brain once again.

I just feel SO completely disconnected from the world. I can't stand it. Tonight I won the biggest award of my career in journalism thus far....and at this very second tears are welling up .....and down my cheeks they now fall.

High achievement and success mean nothing to me without someone to truely share it with. At this moment i'm even wishing i wouldn't have gone to the awards event. And even then...the only reason why I ever win anything or succeed at anything is because I work my butt off trying just to prove to myself and everyone else that I am deserving. That I'm not a waste of space. But, even then I don't believe it.

My sister is trying to potty train my 3-year-old nephews and today one of them went poo in his "big boy pants". He had apparently gone 4 days without a single accident, so I guess she had thought that was it...he was potty-trained. So when that fantasy was shattered today it angered her a great deal. She was upset with him and kept telling him that he did it because he was "lazy". I couldn't believe it when I heard her say it the first time, but then she said it again. My sister is not a stupid or uncaring person by any means. She doesn't take critizism of herself very well at all for anyone and usually gets angry, but I was so shocked by her statments that I knew I had to say something.

I told her that wasn't a good thing to be calling a child. She replied saying she knew it was bad to call a kid stupid, but had never heard that it was bad to call them lazy. That too shocked me, because there's not much difference. AND he's not lazy....HE'S 3!!!!

I know she realized for herself after a few moments because she didn't get upset at me for pointing this error out, but it struck such a HUGE cord with me because that kind of down talk is what causes children to grow up believing they are unworthy and undeserving and unlovable.

I don't remember the things i was told when I was three, but I know my family and I know how I feel as an adult and how I felt as a teenager, so i know there was more down talk than uplifting. I literally grew up in a home where I was made to feel like I had no right to be there and was completely unwanted and all i was....was an inconvenience in both my parents lives.

So jump ahead to more than a decade later and as an adult....i still can't get past those feelings of inadequacy. And it doesn't help that I ended my last relationship 2 years ago and that i haven't had a guy truely show interest in me in all that time.

Tonight, after the awards, we went to a club....i nearly started crying right in the club! I mean, ALL those people with friends and significant others and having fun and then there's me....feeling like i'll never have any of those things in my life again (realistically, i know that's probably not true, but that how it feels).
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Old 04-05-2007, 11:17 PM
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Hi.all.

Sorry to have dropped the ball.

Iv'e been sharing and growing. In fact, I was growing so

large with the sugar cravings that a few weeks ago doc

took me down to 100 mg. of Sero and started 100 mg.

Topomax. No more midnight raids to the kitchen. 10 lbs

of bloat melted away in 2 weeks.

Things are slowly coming around, but still quite fatigued

with the Traz. I hope that can be decreased soon where I

can also sleep as well.

Thanks shutterbug.

See you soon.


Love,



Sherry
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Old 04-08-2007, 12:39 AM
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IO Storm: So glad to hear from you. Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep up the good work!!
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Old 04-08-2007, 12:56 AM
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Me...well, i'm still obsessively thinking and pondering a stupid guy. Here's my stupid guy thoughts thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-guy-why.html

I've been at my office since 4:30 today and have only gotten about an hours worth of actual work accomplished. My brain will not concentrate long enough or well enough to finish my freelance job. Just a few photos for a very large paper in another state...and i suspect anxiety and worry and stress (really all the same things I suppose) are playing a role in keeping me from finishing. Grrrrr.

I think i've found a place to move into so that I will be able to cut out the horu and a half round-trip commute to work each day. I'm worried about having a rent payment for the first time since my major depressive, but it feels like this is what i'm suppose to be doing right now.

I still miss Live/Tena something terrible...she was a rock in this crazy world of mine and the only person who could truely comfort me and affirm the difficult things i was going through. I know she's off living her life as she should be and that the last thing she probably needs is to babysit my irrational thoughts, but there's definetly a noticable hole in my world with out her strength and wisdom being in it.

All-in-all, I feel so totally and completely alone right now...and have for a while, it's just gotten exponetially worse of late. I have tons of acquaitences and what I call psuedo friends, but my mom is the only person that comes the closest to an actual friend in my daily life. But, she's so super critical of me and everything in my life that often the negatives and the stress I feel from her outweigh the good.

So no man, no friends and my life is so full of work that I'm so over-whelmed that even driving the commute on my day off to get stuff done is hardly worth the effort for the little amount of actual work I accomplish.

At least I finally got a computer of my own. I probably won't hook it up or anything until I'm moved, but it's a relief to have it! (been without a personaly one for about a year and a half now!)

So the boy at work....
Mostly he puts on an act that makes him seem like his ego is huge and he's super confident of himself, but I know in reality it's because he actually isn't very confident in himself. So it's like he needs others to agree with his statements about his good looks and everything....to continually feed his ego and keep him on an even keel.

I've decided that I mean nothing to him except that i'm one of his many ego-feeders. He knows I like him and if he doesn't know i have feelings for him then he is pretty clueless, and yet he has no qualms about giving me lots of attention (just only when it's convienient for him).

So basically, whether he's aware of it or not, he is using me to feed his ego....but at the cost to my own highly sensative self.

I continually go back and forth from being hurt and trying to make myself decide not to have anything to do with him any more.....to feelings and thoughts of 'Oh no! Don't go away...come back. I just want you to love me!"

Pityful and pathetic. I know this. And yet, here I am.

I so desperately want someone to love me. 85 percent of me believes that this guy never could make me feel secure in anything...expecially not love! And yet I can't let go. Stupid (yet human) me.

Oh bother....
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Old 04-13-2007, 08:06 PM
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Miss you Tena....HOpe you come back soon...Hope you're okay.

I've been so lonely lately. Seems anyone and everyone I try to reach out to for comfort only causes me more pain in some way. I'm so full of self-hate and getting worse by the day.

I realize that it's either April or May that is one of the 2 times each year when the most suicides occur, statistically, but...again, my self-education efforts do me little good other that to know that it'll be a hellish month or two before i'm in the clear with my moods again.

And those stats fall right in the same time frames of both times i've been hospitalized, beginning of fall and beginning of spring. April was also the month I was fired. And August the month when my young aunt died about 5 years ago. So...2 times a year...it seems I will always struggle. But to me...the months inbetween seem to go by too fast...before I can fully prepare myself and my life for the difficult times i know are coming.

Again, I feel so behind in every aspect of my life...and can't seem to catch up for that which keeps coming into my lap.

I'm sure i'll make it through, but many more tears will surely be shed first.

-----------------------------------------
Now....some obsessive chatter about a boy
-----------------------------------------


So..it was tuesday or Monday when I stopped talking to him. Can't remember..which oddly is a good thing. I may be creating my own reality, but I truely think he is bothered by this....to which i haven't figured out for sure why...other than i am one less person feeding his huge ego daily (which he uses to hide is very low self-esteem issues).

But today was perhaps the oddest day thus far where he is concerned. It seemed I was psychic (or less likely that the powers that be were trying to put us in each other's paths.

It started with me going in to work earlier than usual. I parked and finished putting on my make up, during which time i noticed from the corner of my eye that a car had parked beside me to my left. The thought entered my mind of "wouldn't that be funny/odd if that was him in the car next to me." (now mind you this parking facility has 10 levels...so I totally dismissed it as ridiculous to think that, and in almost the same moment as I was letting my hair down to re-fix it...i glanced slightly over toward the car. It WAS him!!!!

The whole time I had been sitting there finishing the touches on my eyeliner, mascera, powder and lipstick...he had just been sitting there in his car. Odd on it's own.

I then finished putting my hair back up and within the same 10 seconds that I opened my door and started gathering my things....he got out and walked around to the side of his car right next to my door opened it and then shut it and walked to the elevator.

It took me a few more seconds to get the rest of my things, but when I got out of my car...i looked across the garage as he was walking into the landing and instead of him walking toward the elevator (to push the button) ...he walked toward the landing for the stairs. I assumed he had taken the stairs...as there would be no other reason to move in that direction of the landing. But when I looked back several moments later....he was walking up to push the button. (over thinking it now, of course, my mind is wondering if he had either 1. had started to take the stairs and then decided not to as he knew I would end up riding in the same elevator as he... or 2. If he walked over that direction to stall for a little more time before pushing the button).

I rationally believe with 95 percent certianty...that had another person from our same company shown up at the same time also that he would have quizzed me on the ride down about my decision to ignore him this week.

--- The second - VERY SIMILAR elevator/garage event of the day ---

I had to leave the office for a bit this afternoon, so I walked to the garage and pushed the elevator button...noticing that the elevator had already been on its way down b4 i pushed the button.

AGAIN, my brain had the thought...actually it was more like a mental picture of him riding the elevator and stepping out when it stopped. And AGAIN, I thought i that my obsessive thoughts are totally getting out of hand, b/c the chances of that happening would be one in a billion. (just for perspective: I've worked with him for more than a year now...and only ONE other time have I EVER seen him or crossed paths with him in the parking garage!!!).

So...when the door opened and he walked out and we nearly ran into each other!!!! Well, i haven't a clue what kind of expression i had on my face, but i was completely shocked and thinking i must be going mad for sure. I tried my best to play it cool and just walked into the elevator.

The last odd thing....he had obviously been coming from his car and I had thought he must have just been getting back from a late lunch....but his car was STILL parked right next to mine...which wouldn't have been the case if he had left b/c it was a prime parking spot and spaces are hard enough to find as it is.

So who knows...

was it all a bunch of coincidences? And I'm crazy for thinking it too coincidental?

was it me somehow projecting my inner, secret desires to be near him? And him miraculously responding unknowingly?

Was it me somehow miraculously being tuned into him and just subconsciously timing my day with him?

Or could it be a combo of coincidences and some slight psychic something going on with me?

Or.......am i just obsessing?

The last one is an easy one to answer: 100 % YES!!!!!

****deep sigh****
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Old 04-13-2007, 08:12 PM
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But...on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being completely obsessed)...i'm only about a 5 now, where as last week I was at around 8.5-9 and about to let it get worse.

So that's the good side of things i suppose.
My therapist had suggested I take his picture and superimpose it with an image of crossbones (representing poison) wither for real or just an image to picture in my head. It has helped me a great deal in letting go of my obessive thoughts when i recognize them.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:54 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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OKAY...THIS IS JUST A LITTLE WAY TOO FREAKY!!!!

Out of curiousity I looked up my horescope for today and this is what it says:

"Today, don't be surprised if you're able to finish other people's sentences, guess what a coworker is craving for lunch, and even intuit what a friend is daydreaming about. You are especially in tune with other people right now, which will strengthen your relationships in both your personal life and your professional life. Go out on a limb with confidence, and feel free to be a little more informal than usual. Your psychic abilities will break the ice in a very charming way."
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Old 04-13-2007, 10:25 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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okay, now I don't typically get into the whole astrology thing, but here's another one from my weekly "love forcast" for this past week that's weird:

"If the person you're smitten with resides in your house, well, lucky you, because on Monday and Tuesday you're not going to feel like going out. (It's a combination of factors, but something going on at work is mostly to blame.) Alas, Wednesday and Thursday, you and you-know-who aren't communicating well. You can't even agree on the time of day. (Your energies are just off.) You don't start enjoying yourself until Friday, the first day of the week you feel in-tune with your special someone and with other people in general. Saturday is tons of fun too. "

and his for the same week says:
"Friday and Saturday, use art or poetry or baking (chocolate cake, anyone?) to tell you-know-who you're thinking of them."

This may be stretching a tad, but he was one of the few from our company to bring something in for a fund-raising back sale today...
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Old 04-14-2007, 11:11 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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More useless banter about a boy below:
----------------------------------

So....apparently this shallow thing i've been obsessing over...has been stringing two girls along for a while - one of whom we work with. She had made a comment a few weeks ago that made me think she had a crush on him too, but I hadn't any idea for sure. All I thought was....she's so cute and slim and fun...that if he's not interested in her...then there's no way i'd ever have a chance.

All I had known of was the girl from out of state that I was told by another co-worker that he broke it off with. So anyway, apparently the thing with him and the other girl I work with has been going on for a while and words of love have been uttered from one or the other... and lots of nights spent together have been had. All under some sort of vail of secrecy he seems to have conviced her to go along with...and so it seems that she was in most ways his 'girlfriend' and yet he wouldn't allow many to know about it or for her to call him that....having something to do with the way he wants to be percieved or seen by the business world. Hogwash!!

He's a guy...
She was there...
She wanted to spend time with him and be near him...
Apparently she didn't mind his infrequent relationship w the out-of-state-girl..
Or rather she put up with it (more likely)...
So she became his "good for now girl"!!!!!!

Why is there even such a thing in our vocabulary!!!

--> I had thought the slogan at the top of his web page about having 2 girls at the same time...to be just typical macho mummblings; apparently, I was wrong and he was instead actually celebrating his dispicableness to the whole world!! <---


The part that I'm disquested about myself for....well....that my first impulse was to consule her and tell her i've been there and this guy doesn't deserve her. But no one has formally confirmed to me that this same guy i've been obsessing over...is her same guy. Ya...don't say it....I know, I know.

Some stupid part of me has fantasy idealiations that since:

First, he broke it off with the out-of-state girl
Second, he's apparently not trying to keep things together with this girl at work or else she wouldn't be so upset and wanting to rake him over the coals by calling him out on his dispicableness.
Third, that a dog can only be a dog in your life if you let him and that every man has been a dog at least once, at the very least.
Fourth, I dont' want to admit to thinking...

But, really....if I were to try to console her as I normally would do with any sweet girl I'm acquainted with....THEN what happens when she tells me..."oh yeah, btw, this crap head is -- in the office," ....and then...

(here's where the dispicable, non-reality based me comes into the picture...)

Then, my thoughts turned to....what if he has dumped both these 2 girls he's been gloating about....b/c he's realized he wants a woman who won't put up with his dogging ways and will tell him to go fly a kite off a cliff if he tries????

(my point being that in this "LaLa Land" i've created in my head....that when he starts showering me with flowers, nights on the town and proposals....then how could I ever face her?)

How pathetic am I now?
I realize that i'm totally living in my own fantasy world with this crazy line of thinking, but i also am so love starved that I can't afford to throw away even the tiniest piece of twine that might even remotely have a possible chance of getting me across the deep, never-ending canon that is the love void in my life.

I make myself sick. i'm so stinking needy that i'll take any old dog willing to share a small corner of his scrappy, moldy old bone with me for a few measly moments!

Someone just shoot me.
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Old 04-17-2007, 09:52 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Bozo....bless your friendly heart for that title.

No one can hijack my thread b/c anyone with something to say is beneficial to my desire to keep learning and growing and staying healthy. Feel free to chat here with me anytime I'd enjoy the company

For one brief moment I was on Lexapro a long, LONG time ago. I actually have MAJOR issues with that med. As I've known docs who have damn-near literally shoved it down patients throats and NONE of them got better (of course i'm onloy talking about those I know of). It had more negative affects than positive.

Anyway, that goofy state-paid psychiatrist is the reason i've not been on a mood stabalizer for over a year now....but I can't complain too much because as soon as had to stop them....my major depression FINALLY started lifting. (It could have been coincidence, but i really don't think it was).

So, after she left the clinic, the new guy was the one demanding all his patients take the same mood stabalizer he was pushing (must have been getting kick-backs from the pharm company or something....all i can figure).

I refused that one med and told him repeatedly i'd be open to any of the hundreds of others i hadn't yet been prescribed....but since he wouldn't go for that reasonable request - the clinic stamped me with 'non-compliant' and basically booted me from med services.

When I started working again last year...well there was, of course, a 1-year pre-existing condition clause to my insurance coverage. So now that i'm past that...there's only one small snag i have to jump around and then i'll be able to get back into seeing a psychiatrist once a month like i prefer.

Of course, the one major bump in this plan is that i'm still scared out of my wits to start changing meds around again and have to go through all that again. I mean, i know I HAVE to....i'm just not very happy about it and therefore probably procrastinating.
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