Major depression/Bipolar Journal III
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
well, either i pushed myself a little too much yesterday...or the pain meds had lasted longer than i had thought...because today is PAIN again. I knew it as soon as i woke and tried to roll over. more cold on it now. damn.
i wish it wasn't my lower back. seems it would be better if the pain was in a higher spot, but maybe not. Funny how one doesn't realize what muscles we use to do things until it hurts to use them. lol
okay....back 2 sleep for a little longer before my long day i'll spend in the CAR. Lord help me!!
i wish it wasn't my lower back. seems it would be better if the pain was in a higher spot, but maybe not. Funny how one doesn't realize what muscles we use to do things until it hurts to use them. lol
okay....back 2 sleep for a little longer before my long day i'll spend in the CAR. Lord help me!!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
back hurt all day except for a couple of hours mid-day.
2 differnt people mentioned Ibuprophen's help with inflamation of back pain..so i bought some today.
i had an angry moment at work that was triggered by the two newest members of the newsroom, but rooted from my current stress, depression and pain. i still wanted to strangle them both for acting like little "know-it-all, tattle-tellers" when neither of them have ever worked in a "real" newsroom until the current past few months. ARggggggggg!! Luckily the most annoying, winey one is going on a 2-week absense starting Friday for her wedding and honeymoon (her fiance must be one hell of a man to be able to put up with her constant b**ching, loud-mouth, baby-wining!)
Too bad the other one is already married b/c she needs to seriously take a leave away from me for a while....as she is the one already trying to get our long-time capital reporter fired. And i just don't handle that kind of back-stabbing, under-handed crap very well....especially from a newbie in the biz and to our happy family paper!
Luckily boss was in a good mood today for the first time in weeks tho b/c had he agreed with winey girl when she went tattling to him about the photo i put in (after i told her it was the best of the bunch i had been able to take for that assignment) then boss and i would have likely had words. I was definetly in one of THOSE kinds of moods from listening to both their mouths for the 1/2 hour prior to that.
Those 2 are just making life toxic in our once-pleasant newsroom. And if boss wasn't so stressed out in dealing with his home life and 16-year-old daughter deciding to stay with him for good (rather than returning to live with her mom in different state as usual) then he'd probably have nixed all their crap in the bud weeks ago. But as it stands....they are getting to me worse and worse everyday. Today i told whiney girl that "I'm not going to argue with you. No....I'm not arguing about it."
She whines if she has to stay a full 6 hours a day (even tho she's salaried too), but can't understand that not all my photos are going to be gems when i've had to put in a freak'n 13-hour day on top of my back being out and all the pain with it (not to mention the major depression she hasn't a clue about). Come to think of it....i don't know if i'm going to go to her wedding this weekend that i've already RSVP'd for. She just urks me b/c grown adults shouldn't whine like little children when things get A LITTLE not so easy once in a while. Good Grief!!!
Now....to boys:
yes boys....i won't be able NOT to talk of them until i have one paying me some good attention....and then i'll still probably be talking of how much i'm enjoying him (or frustrated with him, as the case will probably be)
Right now, neither local boy or boston boy is paying me any mind what-so-ever. I had thought my non-response to local boy would have him writing me by today, but no. I almost wrote him a message that just said "you suck", but i didn't. I really don't like him as a person at all and wish i could totally erase his existence from my goofy brain, but it is what it is for now unfortunately.
Boston boy....i still have lots of adoration for him...but again, he's seeing someone in his own zip code.
Now, a wild thought crossed my frontal lobe today about our part-time photographer in our other state bureau....
Lately, he's been e-mailing me a couple times a week asking me to call him as he's needed to "talk" to me about something or other...or he's tried calling and then e-mailed when not able to get me to answer right away.
I hadn't thought anything of it except him wanting to make sure i know what all he's shot for the day and what goes with what story and all that, BUT yesterday he worked up 2 photos just for me as he wanted me to see the difference a certain program makes in the quality of a finished photo. A program the paper "should get" as he got it and it's helped him a lot.
He's always been very personable with me, but i chalked that up to me being his immediate "superior" and having some say over his staying on with the paper....but he's got more shooting experience on his belt (even having freelanced for the NY Times on many occations) and no reason to be nerveous....AND neither one of the young boy photographers before him even cared to hold a 2 minute conversation with me.
Then there's the sweet way he talks like calling me "honey" and "dear", but i just thought that to be how he is and because he's probably 10 years my elder (even tho he doesn't act that old).
So....today when we were hanging up from his "I need you to call me" call....he said he'd be down sometime soon come and party. (he's a 2-hour drive away) I said "party?" and he replied, "Yeah, don't you ever party?" I told him not usually and started to say something about not being much of a partying person, but didn't and don't remember what else was said....because that's when i had the ODD thought....and started wondering if his niceness with me was more than just 'niceness'.
He's already told me he'd take me flying some time as boss told me he's a pilot and i was teasing and told him he'd have to take me up for me to shoot some aerial pics. And he told me he's a hobbiest glassblower and i teased that he'll have to add me to his glassblown holiday gift list...which he said he'd make me a paperweight.
BUT, i think i'm totally kidding myself to thinking there's anything beyond niceness....because i totally think he's married...and don't think i'd be his type anyway.
Realistically, i think he sees me as a "little sis" which is totally cool, but i just neeeded to talk all these thoughts out with myself here i guess. As i had started thinking that i had been doing "the rules" on him without even knowing i was doing it. Which i had...he e-mails me at least once or twice a day to tell me he's moving photos over and any other info i need and i rarely reply to any of them. On occation send him a "Thanks!" or "Got em. Thanks!" response, but not often and never more than once a week or every 2 weeks.
So....i've just decided that I am his "little sis" photographer who is personable to him and doesn't talk down to him and learns from him as much or more than he's learns from me. I'd much rather be a little sis to our part-timer than to be a no-body like i am to most boy photojournalists in my biz and state.
sleepy....must got to sleep....another long day is ahead and then the week is mostly over.
I might go to her wedding for the free show and free meal, but no present bringing....is that horrid of me?
2 differnt people mentioned Ibuprophen's help with inflamation of back pain..so i bought some today.
i had an angry moment at work that was triggered by the two newest members of the newsroom, but rooted from my current stress, depression and pain. i still wanted to strangle them both for acting like little "know-it-all, tattle-tellers" when neither of them have ever worked in a "real" newsroom until the current past few months. ARggggggggg!! Luckily the most annoying, winey one is going on a 2-week absense starting Friday for her wedding and honeymoon (her fiance must be one hell of a man to be able to put up with her constant b**ching, loud-mouth, baby-wining!)
Too bad the other one is already married b/c she needs to seriously take a leave away from me for a while....as she is the one already trying to get our long-time capital reporter fired. And i just don't handle that kind of back-stabbing, under-handed crap very well....especially from a newbie in the biz and to our happy family paper!
Luckily boss was in a good mood today for the first time in weeks tho b/c had he agreed with winey girl when she went tattling to him about the photo i put in (after i told her it was the best of the bunch i had been able to take for that assignment) then boss and i would have likely had words. I was definetly in one of THOSE kinds of moods from listening to both their mouths for the 1/2 hour prior to that.
Those 2 are just making life toxic in our once-pleasant newsroom. And if boss wasn't so stressed out in dealing with his home life and 16-year-old daughter deciding to stay with him for good (rather than returning to live with her mom in different state as usual) then he'd probably have nixed all their crap in the bud weeks ago. But as it stands....they are getting to me worse and worse everyday. Today i told whiney girl that "I'm not going to argue with you. No....I'm not arguing about it."
She whines if she has to stay a full 6 hours a day (even tho she's salaried too), but can't understand that not all my photos are going to be gems when i've had to put in a freak'n 13-hour day on top of my back being out and all the pain with it (not to mention the major depression she hasn't a clue about). Come to think of it....i don't know if i'm going to go to her wedding this weekend that i've already RSVP'd for. She just urks me b/c grown adults shouldn't whine like little children when things get A LITTLE not so easy once in a while. Good Grief!!!
Now....to boys:
yes boys....i won't be able NOT to talk of them until i have one paying me some good attention....and then i'll still probably be talking of how much i'm enjoying him (or frustrated with him, as the case will probably be)
Right now, neither local boy or boston boy is paying me any mind what-so-ever. I had thought my non-response to local boy would have him writing me by today, but no. I almost wrote him a message that just said "you suck", but i didn't. I really don't like him as a person at all and wish i could totally erase his existence from my goofy brain, but it is what it is for now unfortunately.
Boston boy....i still have lots of adoration for him...but again, he's seeing someone in his own zip code.
Now, a wild thought crossed my frontal lobe today about our part-time photographer in our other state bureau....
Lately, he's been e-mailing me a couple times a week asking me to call him as he's needed to "talk" to me about something or other...or he's tried calling and then e-mailed when not able to get me to answer right away.
I hadn't thought anything of it except him wanting to make sure i know what all he's shot for the day and what goes with what story and all that, BUT yesterday he worked up 2 photos just for me as he wanted me to see the difference a certain program makes in the quality of a finished photo. A program the paper "should get" as he got it and it's helped him a lot.
He's always been very personable with me, but i chalked that up to me being his immediate "superior" and having some say over his staying on with the paper....but he's got more shooting experience on his belt (even having freelanced for the NY Times on many occations) and no reason to be nerveous....AND neither one of the young boy photographers before him even cared to hold a 2 minute conversation with me.
Then there's the sweet way he talks like calling me "honey" and "dear", but i just thought that to be how he is and because he's probably 10 years my elder (even tho he doesn't act that old).
So....today when we were hanging up from his "I need you to call me" call....he said he'd be down sometime soon come and party. (he's a 2-hour drive away) I said "party?" and he replied, "Yeah, don't you ever party?" I told him not usually and started to say something about not being much of a partying person, but didn't and don't remember what else was said....because that's when i had the ODD thought....and started wondering if his niceness with me was more than just 'niceness'.
He's already told me he'd take me flying some time as boss told me he's a pilot and i was teasing and told him he'd have to take me up for me to shoot some aerial pics. And he told me he's a hobbiest glassblower and i teased that he'll have to add me to his glassblown holiday gift list...which he said he'd make me a paperweight.
BUT, i think i'm totally kidding myself to thinking there's anything beyond niceness....because i totally think he's married...and don't think i'd be his type anyway.
Realistically, i think he sees me as a "little sis" which is totally cool, but i just neeeded to talk all these thoughts out with myself here i guess. As i had started thinking that i had been doing "the rules" on him without even knowing i was doing it. Which i had...he e-mails me at least once or twice a day to tell me he's moving photos over and any other info i need and i rarely reply to any of them. On occation send him a "Thanks!" or "Got em. Thanks!" response, but not often and never more than once a week or every 2 weeks.
So....i've just decided that I am his "little sis" photographer who is personable to him and doesn't talk down to him and learns from him as much or more than he's learns from me. I'd much rather be a little sis to our part-timer than to be a no-body like i am to most boy photojournalists in my biz and state.
sleepy....must got to sleep....another long day is ahead and then the week is mostly over.
I might go to her wedding for the free show and free meal, but no present bringing....is that horrid of me?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i'm okay. better than yesterday actually. Thanks for asking. Sorry to hear about your friend in your thread.
Today is the anniversary of my aunt's death 6 years ago (or was is 7, not sure). Her daughter is the one i let live with me for a while and ended up kicking out and not talking to for several months.
We started talking again at the last family function or the one before that (it's hard for me to stay mad at people for long, unless they've hurt me repeatedly and severly like my dad has). Anyway, she was suppose to come stay a night with me last weekend as she'd wanted to go to my company picnic with me, sis, mom and the boys...but she was a no show and no call.....in fact i have yet to hear from her. I sent her several messages b/c the reason she was going to stay the night was so i could take pics of her. For the past couple of months i've been wanting to do more and more "fashion/portriat" type photography and i see perfect backdrops all over town that i've been taking notice of...and lots of ideas rolling around in my head.
it kind of hurts that she seems to be ignoring me...as i thought we had patched things up. oh well...it is what it is.
I'm still breaking the rules....i think "the rules" are near impossible to do when you don't have any real friends outside of mom and sis (not sure i include sis in that either tho) and battling depression and major self-esteem issues.
I wrote both boys hefty messages tonight (by hefty, i mean several paragraphs rather than just a sentence or two). Both were light, but the one to the local boy was more with a purpose. I did the typical no-no in asking him (in a round-about, playful way) to tell me why he stopped writting me all the sudden last month...after he had actually officially broke up with his live-in and we had talked on the phone for a couple of days....then nothing.
i know it's basically b/c i wasn't doing "the rules" to begin with and was "too eager" and all that...and b/c he found another local girl (also younger and skinny) who he's swapped me out for with his attention....but still...i wanted to ask. Really, i know that nothing he can respond with will make me feel any better, and will actully make me feel worse....but it's just one of those stupid things my brain couldn't leave alone and let go. I so need to get outside of my own head for a while that i guess i'm willing to risk 95 percent chance of feeling worse for the slim margin the other 5 percent possibility offers. And, as i said before, i'm no longer interested in him as a person....now it's just about having SOMEBODY with male parts pay attention to me. that's so stupid, but it's true b/c part of me actually dislikes him b/c of some things he's said and the general immature way he acts about a lot of stuff. But still....like they say about celebrities, "any attention is good attention" (especially true when the world has forgotten you).
Oh....and i let my cat outdoors early this morning for the first time since moving up here and she hasn't come back. I wasn't thinking about not having any kind of tag on her...i was only thinking that I knew she missed going outside and i wanted her to be happy. Now i think the pound probably scooped her up. There was no worry of that at my old town, but i have a feeling things are different here. I'm sad that i don't know where she is.
back is doing better, btw, tho.
hugs,
jenna
Today is the anniversary of my aunt's death 6 years ago (or was is 7, not sure). Her daughter is the one i let live with me for a while and ended up kicking out and not talking to for several months.
We started talking again at the last family function or the one before that (it's hard for me to stay mad at people for long, unless they've hurt me repeatedly and severly like my dad has). Anyway, she was suppose to come stay a night with me last weekend as she'd wanted to go to my company picnic with me, sis, mom and the boys...but she was a no show and no call.....in fact i have yet to hear from her. I sent her several messages b/c the reason she was going to stay the night was so i could take pics of her. For the past couple of months i've been wanting to do more and more "fashion/portriat" type photography and i see perfect backdrops all over town that i've been taking notice of...and lots of ideas rolling around in my head.
it kind of hurts that she seems to be ignoring me...as i thought we had patched things up. oh well...it is what it is.
I'm still breaking the rules....i think "the rules" are near impossible to do when you don't have any real friends outside of mom and sis (not sure i include sis in that either tho) and battling depression and major self-esteem issues.
I wrote both boys hefty messages tonight (by hefty, i mean several paragraphs rather than just a sentence or two). Both were light, but the one to the local boy was more with a purpose. I did the typical no-no in asking him (in a round-about, playful way) to tell me why he stopped writting me all the sudden last month...after he had actually officially broke up with his live-in and we had talked on the phone for a couple of days....then nothing.
i know it's basically b/c i wasn't doing "the rules" to begin with and was "too eager" and all that...and b/c he found another local girl (also younger and skinny) who he's swapped me out for with his attention....but still...i wanted to ask. Really, i know that nothing he can respond with will make me feel any better, and will actully make me feel worse....but it's just one of those stupid things my brain couldn't leave alone and let go. I so need to get outside of my own head for a while that i guess i'm willing to risk 95 percent chance of feeling worse for the slim margin the other 5 percent possibility offers. And, as i said before, i'm no longer interested in him as a person....now it's just about having SOMEBODY with male parts pay attention to me. that's so stupid, but it's true b/c part of me actually dislikes him b/c of some things he's said and the general immature way he acts about a lot of stuff. But still....like they say about celebrities, "any attention is good attention" (especially true when the world has forgotten you).
Oh....and i let my cat outdoors early this morning for the first time since moving up here and she hasn't come back. I wasn't thinking about not having any kind of tag on her...i was only thinking that I knew she missed going outside and i wanted her to be happy. Now i think the pound probably scooped her up. There was no worry of that at my old town, but i have a feeling things are different here. I'm sad that i don't know where she is.
back is doing better, btw, tho.
hugs,
jenna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Glad to hear from you. I am amazed at how quickly your back is healing, but happy too! Please do not pick up anything that it takes two men to lift anymore 
I was so worried, that you would have a prolonged problem. Guess it was a projection of how scared I am of messing up my back. I still have to be careful with it. The house cleaning I was doing was constantly stirring it up. And then I wouldn't be able to work. It was then that Edie judged my whole lifestyle at home and I closed that door.
As you have said so many times and more eloquently, no one chooses to be sick or likes living in pain, mental or physical, and both is worse.
I find myself at a loss for things to say lately.
I have also learned that giving advice when it is not asked for is a violation of the other...and I am so bad about that. Especially with you.
I don't think it is codependent, but I just want to help, when it is better to listen, validate and support. On the other hand, you do not like it that your therapist gives you no feedback, and I don't like that either.
I never got around to telling you, I don't think I did, that I cannot donate blood. Even for free. Last time I tried in April, my iron is too low and they would not accept it. Then with the depression and fatigue....I just didn't want to.
I am still journaling, and have found as you have said, it is a good way to keep track of things for myself.
So what that you emailed the guys a long one. I mean that...really....SO? So what?
And I don't really think it is breaking the rules really. You don't jump when they snap their fingers. That's the main point isn't it. And you like the banter. Enjoy yourself.
We got in a budget crunch this month and in order to raise money, we went for the first time to one of those payday check advance places. That will pay for my p-doc appmt 22d, which is way too important to me to miss. It is cheaper than an overdraft charge. But we are slowly making progress with getting our budget in line and digging out of the hole and getting bills paid.
You know how stressful that is! Not being able to pay your bills is very depressing.
I am still baby stepping with Flylady, and I do mean baby stepping, maybe even crawling but I intend to keep at it to the best of MY ability. It is really helping me and the Fly stands for finally loving yourself. I love that! I love the directions and reminders as it releases me from thinking, getting confused, re-inventing the wheel and being distracted. I actually feel loved when I get the one that tells me to go to bed, for my health and well-being.
In a way, she is a good mom figure and helps with my own critical and pefectionist mom upbringing. Overriding it with understanding and encouragement.
Well, I am up too late. And I am trying to improve my habits, as hubs p-doc told him that it is half meds and have behavorial.
(((((((hugs))))))))
I was so worried, that you would have a prolonged problem. Guess it was a projection of how scared I am of messing up my back. I still have to be careful with it. The house cleaning I was doing was constantly stirring it up. And then I wouldn't be able to work. It was then that Edie judged my whole lifestyle at home and I closed that door.
As you have said so many times and more eloquently, no one chooses to be sick or likes living in pain, mental or physical, and both is worse.
I find myself at a loss for things to say lately.
I have also learned that giving advice when it is not asked for is a violation of the other...and I am so bad about that. Especially with you.
I don't think it is codependent, but I just want to help, when it is better to listen, validate and support. On the other hand, you do not like it that your therapist gives you no feedback, and I don't like that either.
I never got around to telling you, I don't think I did, that I cannot donate blood. Even for free. Last time I tried in April, my iron is too low and they would not accept it. Then with the depression and fatigue....I just didn't want to.
I am still journaling, and have found as you have said, it is a good way to keep track of things for myself.
So what that you emailed the guys a long one. I mean that...really....SO? So what?
And I don't really think it is breaking the rules really. You don't jump when they snap their fingers. That's the main point isn't it. And you like the banter. Enjoy yourself.
We got in a budget crunch this month and in order to raise money, we went for the first time to one of those payday check advance places. That will pay for my p-doc appmt 22d, which is way too important to me to miss. It is cheaper than an overdraft charge. But we are slowly making progress with getting our budget in line and digging out of the hole and getting bills paid.
You know how stressful that is! Not being able to pay your bills is very depressing.
I am still baby stepping with Flylady, and I do mean baby stepping, maybe even crawling but I intend to keep at it to the best of MY ability. It is really helping me and the Fly stands for finally loving yourself. I love that! I love the directions and reminders as it releases me from thinking, getting confused, re-inventing the wheel and being distracted. I actually feel loved when I get the one that tells me to go to bed, for my health and well-being.
In a way, she is a good mom figure and helps with my own critical and pefectionist mom upbringing. Overriding it with understanding and encouragement.
Well, I am up too late. And I am trying to improve my habits, as hubs p-doc told him that it is half meds and have behavorial.
(((((((hugs))))))))
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
I'm going to have to think on what you say about giving advice that's not asked for is a violation of the other....if a thought pops into my head...then it just as quickly slides off my tongue or through my fingers.
And when you are in my thread...you give and give and give ALL the advice that pops to mind!! I mean that!! I have learned so much from you and your wisdom and i don't want to stop learning now! I crave advice from others. I will still always weigh it all against my own feelings and directions for my life, but i'm a person who needs REAL feedback....not just flowery, lovely overtures.
The best thing you can do for me is be yourself and tell me your true thoughts and opinions!! I treasure them from you.
The back thing...i'm kind of amazed too at how quickly it's healing...as i've never injured it that bad before. But, i am also one who really believes in the power of prayer from having seen my prayers answered time and time again....especially over the past few years. I was actually bending over to pick up a few things throughout the day...and having totally forgot about the back pain until already bent down and feeling a slight twinge on the way back up. I am still being causious about carrying any real weight.
i hadn't realized your back had played such a major role in no more house cleaning. I mean, it's obvious to me now in remembering how much your back was bothering you, but it didn't "click".
I wish i could think of good stay-at-home side jobs for both of us...my mind keeps going back to e-bay, but i have yet to think of anything that would really make any consistant money for either of us.
i have yet to try donating blood for free...for figuring they will tell me the same -- that i can't.
Is Edie, hubby? Darn defective brain of mine! No, wait...hubby is Danny right? Then who is Edie?
I'm glad to hear you are still journaling. i was checking in on your thread in the other site quite often and then got stuck in this rut i'm in and lost track of things. I will get back to that site soon as i haven't forgotten about all it's rich information and full depression-educated commitee.
the guys....lol....it's funny you say that b/c yes...i do enjoy the banter with local boy especially as he's usually quick to reply with some funny something. And he actually did come back with a good answer for his disappearing act that i hadn't thought of and that was funny to me. I'll definetly have to share my message to him with you and his response but it's too late to do it tonight.
i agree with hubs pdoc...having read the statistics on that one.
And i had forgotten that about flylady being a good role-model type thing. And i never knew the part about finaly-loving-yourself!!!! That is too totally cool!! I was laid off from the toxic job when i signed up for her the first time and was just barely surviving....let alone caring one ioda about how shiny my sink was!!! Not sure why i stopped getting all the masses of e-mails, but remember back from you you've said here....it' would be good for me to get into the habit of reading them throughout the day (since i'm always on puter now anyway).
yeah....tomorrow (or by weekend at worst) i will sign back up to be a flylady fledgling. Then i can be a non-flying flylady fledgling and a rule-breaking, non-rules rules girl!!! Both at the same time. That outta keep my man-crazy brain busy a little?
Love you and give you lots of hugs,
Jenna
p.s. yeah, i'm still struggling with bills...just got paid Friday and already checking account is negative nearly $300 again. ***sigh*** i'm determined to set it all straight soon tho!! determined i tell you!! number 1, top priority "Jenna Goal"!! Fix Finances Finally -- or FFF!!!!!
And when you are in my thread...you give and give and give ALL the advice that pops to mind!! I mean that!! I have learned so much from you and your wisdom and i don't want to stop learning now! I crave advice from others. I will still always weigh it all against my own feelings and directions for my life, but i'm a person who needs REAL feedback....not just flowery, lovely overtures.
The best thing you can do for me is be yourself and tell me your true thoughts and opinions!! I treasure them from you.
The back thing...i'm kind of amazed too at how quickly it's healing...as i've never injured it that bad before. But, i am also one who really believes in the power of prayer from having seen my prayers answered time and time again....especially over the past few years. I was actually bending over to pick up a few things throughout the day...and having totally forgot about the back pain until already bent down and feeling a slight twinge on the way back up. I am still being causious about carrying any real weight.
i hadn't realized your back had played such a major role in no more house cleaning. I mean, it's obvious to me now in remembering how much your back was bothering you, but it didn't "click".
I wish i could think of good stay-at-home side jobs for both of us...my mind keeps going back to e-bay, but i have yet to think of anything that would really make any consistant money for either of us.
i have yet to try donating blood for free...for figuring they will tell me the same -- that i can't.
Is Edie, hubby? Darn defective brain of mine! No, wait...hubby is Danny right? Then who is Edie?
I'm glad to hear you are still journaling. i was checking in on your thread in the other site quite often and then got stuck in this rut i'm in and lost track of things. I will get back to that site soon as i haven't forgotten about all it's rich information and full depression-educated commitee.
the guys....lol....it's funny you say that b/c yes...i do enjoy the banter with local boy especially as he's usually quick to reply with some funny something. And he actually did come back with a good answer for his disappearing act that i hadn't thought of and that was funny to me. I'll definetly have to share my message to him with you and his response but it's too late to do it tonight.
i agree with hubs pdoc...having read the statistics on that one.
And i had forgotten that about flylady being a good role-model type thing. And i never knew the part about finaly-loving-yourself!!!! That is too totally cool!! I was laid off from the toxic job when i signed up for her the first time and was just barely surviving....let alone caring one ioda about how shiny my sink was!!! Not sure why i stopped getting all the masses of e-mails, but remember back from you you've said here....it' would be good for me to get into the habit of reading them throughout the day (since i'm always on puter now anyway).
yeah....tomorrow (or by weekend at worst) i will sign back up to be a flylady fledgling. Then i can be a non-flying flylady fledgling and a rule-breaking, non-rules rules girl!!! Both at the same time. That outta keep my man-crazy brain busy a little?
Love you and give you lots of hugs,
Jenna
p.s. yeah, i'm still struggling with bills...just got paid Friday and already checking account is negative nearly $300 again. ***sigh*** i'm determined to set it all straight soon tho!! determined i tell you!! number 1, top priority "Jenna Goal"!! Fix Finances Finally -- or FFF!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Well, I had never done the cash advance thing before....but it is cheaper than overdraft fees. We borrowed $150 and it cost $20. I realize that is a super high interest rate, but an overdraft is $29 and bad on credit. thought it was something you might be interested in. And it is a way to get an advance on your paycheck.
You are really sounding great and that pleases me through and through.
My financial goal is that as soon as we get caught up, and IT IS going to happen, is to open a secured credit card account. I don't like credit cards, XH screwed me over so bad there and I was a great money manager then, but I want to establish good credit and that is going to take awhile. I did have stashes of cash in envelopes, but with the last few months being so tight, I had to get into them.
I mean for real, we have mostly been living off 77 cent banquet dinners for the last two months. But I am not complaining, well a little. But my theory was it all turns out shyte anyway and that is what we needed to do to get by. Food stamps will go through soon. The money went to bills first.
okay, so if I am not overbearing to you....we will continue on as before...and of course we all take what we need, leave the rest and modify things to suit us. I am having to modify Flylady tho' I hope to work up to compliance. But forget the lace up shoes, I live in Florida, it is sandals here and I don't even own sneakers of any kind. It is either heels, boots, or well worn sandals.
Edie was the girl that I had thought I had found a true face to face friend in and then cut off all contact because she spoke disrespectfully to me. I was also cleaning with her. But then, now, I realize, hanging with her was really stressful to me and the cause of a few of my headaches and illnesses as she was totally codep obsessed with ASS and that is ALL she talked to me about all day long. So now, with ASS living with her and there being crises, I am really glad I cut that off. I do not want to hear it. Ruins my serenity and stresses me out.
Oh, btw, I don't think you advise people here, you inform and educate them and do a top notch job of it. that input is very valuable and it all falls on you, if you have noticed.
I am a poor teacher.....I think to myself, I will say a few things and you can do your own research. flushed face. If you want me to tell you where to look, I will do that, but look it up and learn on your own. eek!
I do have a recent update report in Women in Recovery titled good news, that is important to me. By the time I got to my journal I didn't feel like repeating it all, and just put in jogs to my memory without the full info. No one reads that over there anyway, that I can tell. Oh...that is not a HINT, it is just that is has really become more MY journal. Other people start topics about their daily things, but I prefer your style of keeping it in one place as you are right it does allow me to track things.
Hey, I woke up feeling good today. That is just a really cool thing, y'know? Bouncing up out of bed....is this me? LOL And smiling?
So, it is a good day to get it on with Flylady, I am thinking.
Catch ya later! love and (((((hugs)))))
You are really sounding great and that pleases me through and through.
My financial goal is that as soon as we get caught up, and IT IS going to happen, is to open a secured credit card account. I don't like credit cards, XH screwed me over so bad there and I was a great money manager then, but I want to establish good credit and that is going to take awhile. I did have stashes of cash in envelopes, but with the last few months being so tight, I had to get into them.
I mean for real, we have mostly been living off 77 cent banquet dinners for the last two months. But I am not complaining, well a little. But my theory was it all turns out shyte anyway and that is what we needed to do to get by. Food stamps will go through soon. The money went to bills first.
okay, so if I am not overbearing to you....we will continue on as before...and of course we all take what we need, leave the rest and modify things to suit us. I am having to modify Flylady tho' I hope to work up to compliance. But forget the lace up shoes, I live in Florida, it is sandals here and I don't even own sneakers of any kind. It is either heels, boots, or well worn sandals.
Edie was the girl that I had thought I had found a true face to face friend in and then cut off all contact because she spoke disrespectfully to me. I was also cleaning with her. But then, now, I realize, hanging with her was really stressful to me and the cause of a few of my headaches and illnesses as she was totally codep obsessed with ASS and that is ALL she talked to me about all day long. So now, with ASS living with her and there being crises, I am really glad I cut that off. I do not want to hear it. Ruins my serenity and stresses me out.
Oh, btw, I don't think you advise people here, you inform and educate them and do a top notch job of it. that input is very valuable and it all falls on you, if you have noticed.
I am a poor teacher.....I think to myself, I will say a few things and you can do your own research. flushed face. If you want me to tell you where to look, I will do that, but look it up and learn on your own. eek!
I do have a recent update report in Women in Recovery titled good news, that is important to me. By the time I got to my journal I didn't feel like repeating it all, and just put in jogs to my memory without the full info. No one reads that over there anyway, that I can tell. Oh...that is not a HINT, it is just that is has really become more MY journal. Other people start topics about their daily things, but I prefer your style of keeping it in one place as you are right it does allow me to track things.
Hey, I woke up feeling good today. That is just a really cool thing, y'know? Bouncing up out of bed....is this me? LOL And smiling?
So, it is a good day to get it on with Flylady, I am thinking.
Catch ya later! love and (((((hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Careful of the cash advance trap. I go and renew mine every 2 weeks. Feel stuck and cant get out of it and it all started with the power company, a high bill and their refusal of an extension
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Indiana
Posts: 170
Jenna,
Thanks for thinking of Randy. He is not takeing it well at all. He has however called me 3 times this week. So sweet of you to think of him when you are dealing with so much yourself. He's been sick from the heat. He will be home in 2 weeks and i plan to spend a lot of time with him.
Thanks for thinking of Randy. He is not takeing it well at all. He has however called me 3 times this week. So sweet of you to think of him when you are dealing with so much yourself. He's been sick from the heat. He will be home in 2 weeks and i plan to spend a lot of time with him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh, Katie, glad you have been in close phone contact.
Thanks for the warning, Cinder. We did not overborrow and will pay it off Sept 4th, but I can see how it could become a bad habit! I just really had to find a way to pay for my p-doc.
Thanks for the warning, Cinder. We did not overborrow and will pay it off Sept 4th, but I can see how it could become a bad habit! I just really had to find a way to pay for my p-doc.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I had to do the payday loan one time in my life. It was years ago and I was very young and naive. Thank goodness I had enough sense to not let it get out of hand. It's so easy to stay buried once you get there.
hugs to all of yous.
hugs to all of yous.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
today was a pretty smooth day at work. back barely hurting now. boy talking to me again. but feeling blah.
I guess i'll share what i wrote local boy the other day and his response...as i found it pretty funny actually and b/c i can't think of anything else to write at the moment:
I wrote him:
He replied:
I guess i'll share what i wrote local boy the other day and his response...as i found it pretty funny actually and b/c i can't think of anything else to write at the moment:
I wrote him:
Wanna play a game?
Perhaps you can help me figure you out?
You talked to me everyday, several times a day, for more than a month before i found out about the live-in girlfriend who you were having "peace talks" with and then got back together with. right?
You mentioned missing talking to me and all that.
Then you break up (officially) with the live-in, we talk for a couple of days on the phone and poof....so typical.
So i'm guessing...
A. you lost interest after seeing the "real me" photo
B. or you were only trying to find some easy girl who you could bang and "never talk to again"...and when you realized i wasn't like that then there was nothing more to say?
C. or someone else came along suddenly that didn't have pink hair? lol
D. or all of the above?
No biggie. I know how most guys think and I've pretty much figured most guys out...but me being the kind of person who always wants to learn as much as i can...i thought i'd ask, since you may be able to enlighten me with something i don't know yet?
The more enlightening your responses....the better the prizes are if you win the game! Of course, you have to be willing to play first...
Perhaps you can help me figure you out?
You talked to me everyday, several times a day, for more than a month before i found out about the live-in girlfriend who you were having "peace talks" with and then got back together with. right?
You mentioned missing talking to me and all that.
Then you break up (officially) with the live-in, we talk for a couple of days on the phone and poof....so typical.
So i'm guessing...
A. you lost interest after seeing the "real me" photo
B. or you were only trying to find some easy girl who you could bang and "never talk to again"...and when you realized i wasn't like that then there was nothing more to say?
C. or someone else came along suddenly that didn't have pink hair? lol
D. or all of the above?
No biggie. I know how most guys think and I've pretty much figured most guys out...but me being the kind of person who always wants to learn as much as i can...i thought i'd ask, since you may be able to enlighten me with something i don't know yet?
The more enlightening your responses....the better the prizes are if you win the game! Of course, you have to be willing to play first...
Okay SAW!
You forgot E).......
E) I got blown off by YOU because you THOUGHT I was blowing you off.
I had a ****** weekend and I didn't have a chance to talk much. You told me before-hand that YOU were going to be really busy over the weekend and that Friday would have probably been the only chance to talk to you.
Sorry.
I like you. You're a sweet girl. There's a lot of girls in the world that are OBVIOUSLY easy. I don't necessarily need to push myself on you, who is obviously NOT. I'm not that kind of guy. YOu are REALLY stereo-typing me because of certain circumstances.
I have never judged you. I have complimented you on everything as far as I can remember.
Besides.......didn't I say I thought pink hair looked hot?
You forgot E).......
E) I got blown off by YOU because you THOUGHT I was blowing you off.
I had a ****** weekend and I didn't have a chance to talk much. You told me before-hand that YOU were going to be really busy over the weekend and that Friday would have probably been the only chance to talk to you.
Sorry.
I like you. You're a sweet girl. There's a lot of girls in the world that are OBVIOUSLY easy. I don't necessarily need to push myself on you, who is obviously NOT. I'm not that kind of guy. YOu are REALLY stereo-typing me because of certain circumstances.
I have never judged you. I have complimented you on everything as far as I can remember.
Besides.......didn't I say I thought pink hair looked hot?
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
LOL....i had thrown in the "pink hair" comment on my C) possibility just for kicks to see what he'd say. (background is that i have one picture of me up that i took the day i dressed up for Halloween and had multi-colored hair, but in the self-portrait i took all you can see is the pink strip of hair. It was my profile pic for a while and his buddies at work gave him a hard time about always running to the computer during all his breaks to read what the "pink haired girl" had written him back).
I had expected him to make some off-handed comments about what kind of prize i would "give" him, but to my surprise...he didn't. Although I have wondered if his opener of "Okay SAW" is code for "Sex At Will". LOL
We've written a few more times since these two above letters yesterday, but they haven't been the "fun" "silly banter" like we use to. We've gotten into a serious debate about stereotyping and cold-heart stuff caused by his past relationships and just a general clearing of the air i guess.
Doesn't really matter. I really, REALLY like anticipating his next messages...as he does says he does mine too. (and i make him wait a little more now than i did when we were talking before). I'm just enjoying the attention from a guy who i can have intellegent conversations with...even if he's not my type and i'd probably strangle him senseless if we ever actually got involved with each other....as he is VERY stubborn and strongly opinionated....in an almost unbending sort of way that really aggrivates me a great deal.
Oh well...it is what it is. He is VERY much like my last best-guy-friend, except unlike him, this one doesn't have addiction issues or major paranoia and crap like the other one did that brought our sibling-like friendship to a sudden end. So perhaps that's just what this local boy will end up being....a brotherly-type best friend (who happens to annoy me like most siblings do from time-to-time). Oh...and both this one and the past guy-friend are both Aries. Which is interesting to me since their personalities and stubborn-headedness is SO similar.
well, i know it's a friday and all, but i think i'm going to bed.
hugs,
Jenna
I had expected him to make some off-handed comments about what kind of prize i would "give" him, but to my surprise...he didn't. Although I have wondered if his opener of "Okay SAW" is code for "Sex At Will". LOL
We've written a few more times since these two above letters yesterday, but they haven't been the "fun" "silly banter" like we use to. We've gotten into a serious debate about stereotyping and cold-heart stuff caused by his past relationships and just a general clearing of the air i guess.
Doesn't really matter. I really, REALLY like anticipating his next messages...as he does says he does mine too. (and i make him wait a little more now than i did when we were talking before). I'm just enjoying the attention from a guy who i can have intellegent conversations with...even if he's not my type and i'd probably strangle him senseless if we ever actually got involved with each other....as he is VERY stubborn and strongly opinionated....in an almost unbending sort of way that really aggrivates me a great deal.
Oh well...it is what it is. He is VERY much like my last best-guy-friend, except unlike him, this one doesn't have addiction issues or major paranoia and crap like the other one did that brought our sibling-like friendship to a sudden end. So perhaps that's just what this local boy will end up being....a brotherly-type best friend (who happens to annoy me like most siblings do from time-to-time). Oh...and both this one and the past guy-friend are both Aries. Which is interesting to me since their personalities and stubborn-headedness is SO similar.
well, i know it's a friday and all, but i think i'm going to bed.
hugs,
Jenna
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
oh...one other thing i wanted to mention Tena. In reguards to keeping everything in a journal-type thing like this....it sometimes makes me very nerveous to have all my inner thoughts and feelings, both good and bad, out here on the web. I know i'm fairly safe from anyone in my 3D life ever coming across this and realizing it's me...but i did make that stupid mistake last year or the year before of posting my e-mail address on a couple of threads around SR. Most got removed after i realized and asked them to be, but Googling my main e-mail address still brings up a couple of SR posts....and that does make me nerveous.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
thanks Teach!
In writing about my e-mail address being tied to SR...i did an imprompto search thinking all the posts with my e-mail addy had been taken down (the ones that could anyway)..but just wanted to double check. anyway, if found 3 still out on SR...so had to ask Teach to take them down for me.
anyway...i keep forgetting to tell a funny little thing from work. the work guy i had a crush on for a while and then finally decided to ignore compeltely for several months....well i've stopped ignoring him and gone back to beginning interaction style of minimal, but cordial. Anyway, he's been coming into the newsroom quite a bit lately and the other day he walked by my desk and I said..."B....you need a hair cut!" He's a giant smart-ass so i dish it out to him too. He quickly told me he'd ran out of his hair gel that costs an arm and leg or something.
Anyway, the funny part is that the NEXT DAY...he came to work and his hair was back to normal. heehee. He made SURE i noticed and first stopped by my desk to say, "How does my hair look now? Oh I know it looks good, thanks for saying so." I hadn't said a word and just laughed. For the rest of the day, anytime i passed him in the office he stroked his hair like saying, "i know i'm gorgeous again now."
What's so funny about it to me is that he CARED SO MUCH what i thought!!!
---
anyway, i've decided i'm not going to go to whiney girls wedding today. i feel a little guilty about that because i had RSVP'd and she seemed so badly to want as many people to come as could....but i just don't like her all that much, weddings depress me, i'm tired and want to enjoy my Saturday since i have to work extra hours tomorrow, i don't feel like it....and i don't have the money to buy her a gift and don't want to feel guilty about showing up and not bringing anything.
so nope....not going. she can deal. Although i think i might have been the only one from work who she still thinks is coming. (if so then i feel a little guilty about that).
well, i'm just starting my day (rough sleep night)...sooooo off to get some coffee, maybe some something for breakfast, Wal-mart to cash check and a few groceries, office to get a CD, post off to mail it.....then with any luck at all i'll get home and feel like unpacking and putting away some stuff!!!!!
In writing about my e-mail address being tied to SR...i did an imprompto search thinking all the posts with my e-mail addy had been taken down (the ones that could anyway)..but just wanted to double check. anyway, if found 3 still out on SR...so had to ask Teach to take them down for me.
anyway...i keep forgetting to tell a funny little thing from work. the work guy i had a crush on for a while and then finally decided to ignore compeltely for several months....well i've stopped ignoring him and gone back to beginning interaction style of minimal, but cordial. Anyway, he's been coming into the newsroom quite a bit lately and the other day he walked by my desk and I said..."B....you need a hair cut!" He's a giant smart-ass so i dish it out to him too. He quickly told me he'd ran out of his hair gel that costs an arm and leg or something.
Anyway, the funny part is that the NEXT DAY...he came to work and his hair was back to normal. heehee. He made SURE i noticed and first stopped by my desk to say, "How does my hair look now? Oh I know it looks good, thanks for saying so." I hadn't said a word and just laughed. For the rest of the day, anytime i passed him in the office he stroked his hair like saying, "i know i'm gorgeous again now."
What's so funny about it to me is that he CARED SO MUCH what i thought!!!
---
anyway, i've decided i'm not going to go to whiney girls wedding today. i feel a little guilty about that because i had RSVP'd and she seemed so badly to want as many people to come as could....but i just don't like her all that much, weddings depress me, i'm tired and want to enjoy my Saturday since i have to work extra hours tomorrow, i don't feel like it....and i don't have the money to buy her a gift and don't want to feel guilty about showing up and not bringing anything.
so nope....not going. she can deal. Although i think i might have been the only one from work who she still thinks is coming. (if so then i feel a little guilty about that).
well, i'm just starting my day (rough sleep night)...sooooo off to get some coffee, maybe some something for breakfast, Wal-mart to cash check and a few groceries, office to get a CD, post off to mail it.....then with any luck at all i'll get home and feel like unpacking and putting away some stuff!!!!!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
thanks Tena, i didn't sleep with my sleep-apnea machine on last night. really don't know why i didn't, just didnt. When i do that it's like my body and mind didn't really sleep at all. and we both know what that means for bipolars. Actually, with the depression i've been going thru lately....it's not pushed me into hypomania...but about average.
I did all on my list while out except i'm sad because i thought post office closed at 7 p.m., but it closed at 5 today....i, of course, got there at 5:30. **bummed** I think there may be a slim chance i can figure out how to send the audio files via internet. If i do fig out....would you be able to burn the files onto a CD for hubs to listen to and do the progressive muscle relax?
I'll still send the CD along Monday with post office opens again....mainly i guess i'm curious to see if i can do such at thing over the internet....as that would be super cool for me to know how to do!
it's raining here for the first time in weeks and the temp is about 80 rather than being super hot....so it's an enjoyable day I actually think i might get some more things done to make me enjoy the weekend more!
my list of done-it's:
1. got dressed
2. went for coffee and bagel
3. went to Wal-mart and after waiting for 20 min in line was told no check cashing at that store today (arrrrgggggg)
4. Found a neighborhood Wal-mart store that's even closer to my house and cashed the expense check (don't want to deposit it yet...as i'd still be $10 overdrawn in account if i had)
5. got groceries and other necesseities
6. Brought all in and put up
7. brought lamp in from car (i'd bought for $2 from sis weeks ago) cleaned it off, made room on desk and set it up next to computer....yay
8. Now....gunna go fix something to much on (prolly chips and dip), play on puter a little more then....hopefully feel like doing some laundry and stuffs
Tena....you are sounding much better yourself too!! I hope it continues for us both.
hugs,
Jenna
I did all on my list while out except i'm sad because i thought post office closed at 7 p.m., but it closed at 5 today....i, of course, got there at 5:30. **bummed** I think there may be a slim chance i can figure out how to send the audio files via internet. If i do fig out....would you be able to burn the files onto a CD for hubs to listen to and do the progressive muscle relax?
I'll still send the CD along Monday with post office opens again....mainly i guess i'm curious to see if i can do such at thing over the internet....as that would be super cool for me to know how to do!
it's raining here for the first time in weeks and the temp is about 80 rather than being super hot....so it's an enjoyable day
I actually think i might get some more things done to make me enjoy the weekend more!my list of done-it's:
1. got dressed
2. went for coffee and bagel
3. went to Wal-mart and after waiting for 20 min in line was told no check cashing at that store today (arrrrgggggg)
4. Found a neighborhood Wal-mart store that's even closer to my house and cashed the expense check (don't want to deposit it yet...as i'd still be $10 overdrawn in account if i had)
5. got groceries and other necesseities
6. Brought all in and put up
7. brought lamp in from car (i'd bought for $2 from sis weeks ago) cleaned it off, made room on desk and set it up next to computer....yay
8. Now....gunna go fix something to much on (prolly chips and dip), play on puter a little more then....hopefully feel like doing some laundry and stuffs
Tena....you are sounding much better yourself too!! I hope it continues for us both.
hugs,
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Jenna, I was resting a little bit ago and got to thinking about the boys....you see now that they are looking for YOUR approval...while you were trying to get THEIR approval. This should be something very interesting for you to play with, I think?
I think the neighbors are having a party, might even be a live band.....nothing like the bass thud hammering when party is the last thing on my mind. roll eyes.
I think the neighbors are having a party, might even be a live band.....nothing like the bass thud hammering when party is the last thing on my mind. roll eyes.
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