Major depression/Bipolar Journal III
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Sorry I forgot to call last night...I got lost in cyber space....happens alot!
My back...really it is my neck, but then when aggravated works it's way all the way down.
Wish you were here today....we would go visit Mr. Fister who flew a glider plane for 5 years in Europe. He is quite intelligent and very dapper. Would like to take a tape recorder and get his story!
Yesterday I met a man who was in Japan when we bombed. We didn't have time to talk much but he followed me from room to room!
I seem to attract men 85 years old and up! LOL
You know I love talking to them, they have so much wisdom to share and I love hearing them tell how the world/society was then and how they view things the way they are today.
My back...really it is my neck, but then when aggravated works it's way all the way down.
Wish you were here today....we would go visit Mr. Fister who flew a glider plane for 5 years in Europe. He is quite intelligent and very dapper. Would like to take a tape recorder and get his story!
Yesterday I met a man who was in Japan when we bombed. We didn't have time to talk much but he followed me from room to room!
I seem to attract men 85 years old and up! LOL
You know I love talking to them, they have so much wisdom to share and I love hearing them tell how the world/society was then and how they view things the way they are today.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
heehee.....did i ever tell you about the 80+-year-old that would come into the resturant everyday where I worked...just to have a cup of coffee? (I was a freshman in college at the time) He would always leave me a $2 tip even though he only had a 50 cent cup.
He was always teasing me and telling me I could run away with him and he would buy me anything i wanted and we could go anywhere i wanted...and he would always ask if my boyfriend was still in the picture.
I just thought it was him just being a silly old man...i hadn't realized he had actually meant any of it until my last day at work (I was moving out of town to attend a different college).
When I came in, i walked past the hostess counter where it was hard not to notice the very large vase full of a dozen red roses. When I went back to punch in, a couple of other waitresses were asking if i'd seen the flowers. I said yes and asked who they were for.
To my huge surprize they were for me....from the old man. When i read the card it said simply,
"Please don't leave!
P.S. I love you"
and then he signed his name. I freaked out. I've never known how to handle things like that even with boys my own age, so it really flipped me for a loop.
Anyway, it wasn't so much as 3 months later and another, even older, old man, was asking me to dinner. He said he even knew my father and asked if he would be mad if he found out this guy had taken me on a date. I seem to remember saying "probably" and reminding him that my dad is an avid hunter and i joked about his shotgun collection. LOL.
---
But heck girl....these days...a guy could be 120 and i'd take him up on an offer for a date!! Somehow i need to feel good about myself for a while and beggers can't be choosers...right? LOL.
hugs,
Jenna
He was always teasing me and telling me I could run away with him and he would buy me anything i wanted and we could go anywhere i wanted...and he would always ask if my boyfriend was still in the picture.
I just thought it was him just being a silly old man...i hadn't realized he had actually meant any of it until my last day at work (I was moving out of town to attend a different college).
When I came in, i walked past the hostess counter where it was hard not to notice the very large vase full of a dozen red roses. When I went back to punch in, a couple of other waitresses were asking if i'd seen the flowers. I said yes and asked who they were for.
To my huge surprize they were for me....from the old man. When i read the card it said simply,
"Please don't leave!
P.S. I love you"
and then he signed his name. I freaked out. I've never known how to handle things like that even with boys my own age, so it really flipped me for a loop.
Anyway, it wasn't so much as 3 months later and another, even older, old man, was asking me to dinner. He said he even knew my father and asked if he would be mad if he found out this guy had taken me on a date. I seem to remember saying "probably" and reminding him that my dad is an avid hunter and i joked about his shotgun collection. LOL.
---
But heck girl....these days...a guy could be 120 and i'd take him up on an offer for a date!! Somehow i need to feel good about myself for a while and beggers can't be choosers...right? LOL.
hugs,
Jenna
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Any suggestions on how not to feel so unlovable, unwanted and undesirable in this world?
I'm planning to look seriously into the lap-banding surgery as i've known a few people who've done it and it wasn't that bad and it worked.....but i know that even if i was only 90 pounds i'd still feel just as unlovable, unwanted and undesirable.
I guess i just thought that more than 2 years of therapy would have me feeling better about myself than i do. Unrealistic expectations i suppose. Actually, unrealistic expectations is probably 75 percent of what is wrong with me.
I'm planning to look seriously into the lap-banding surgery as i've known a few people who've done it and it wasn't that bad and it worked.....but i know that even if i was only 90 pounds i'd still feel just as unlovable, unwanted and undesirable.
I guess i just thought that more than 2 years of therapy would have me feeling better about myself than i do. Unrealistic expectations i suppose. Actually, unrealistic expectations is probably 75 percent of what is wrong with me.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I don't think the lady I work for would like it at all. Oh, well.
Hey your pm is full.
I will send you that other address later. Don't stress it.
I just sense that it is the vacation that over-stressed you?
The intern...sometimes I just really don't like people. Glad you spoke up!
I hold things in too long, would be much better if I would speak up myself.
ummmm....I married a man 8 years younger than my mother....what can I say?
It freaked her out for awhile!
I am always online Friday nights. It seems others have things to do? LOL
Hey your pm is full.
I will send you that other address later. Don't stress it.
I just sense that it is the vacation that over-stressed you?
The intern...sometimes I just really don't like people. Glad you spoke up!
I hold things in too long, would be much better if I would speak up myself.
ummmm....I married a man 8 years younger than my mother....what can I say?
It freaked her out for awhile!
I am always online Friday nights. It seems others have things to do? LOL
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
yeah, the vacation stressed me a great deal. it was not fun and i don't think i'll ever go out of my way to go back to NY. I know it had more to do with my sis than actually NY, but still.
I had anticipated that the trip would get to me, but i had thought that by getting back on that Tuesday and having all the rest of that week off....that i'd be able to re-coup. Here it is nearly 3 full-weeks later and i'm still struggling. Of course it's again my time of the month so that never helps either.
I had anticipated that the trip would get to me, but i had thought that by getting back on that Tuesday and having all the rest of that week off....that i'd be able to re-coup. Here it is nearly 3 full-weeks later and i'm still struggling. Of course it's again my time of the month so that never helps either.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
yeah, mine gets worse the more depressed i get, but it's always there ....i guess i've just learned how to ignore it as much as possible. i'm just getting too tired of it. I'll turn 31 next month and i'm not excited about that either. Not because of getting old, but more that i never dreamed i'd still be alone in my 30s.
i guess i'm more depressed than i've been wanting to admit even to myself.
i guess i'm more depressed than i've been wanting to admit even to myself.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
well, i'm back, but i think i'm going to not write anymore on here tonight as the more i write tonight, the worse is seem to be feeling about myself. hugs and love, Jenna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
In my case, I was the firstborn. My dad was an educator.
I had a very high load of expectations laid on me. Was gifted and supposed to be wildly successful and highly educated. Normal was not good enough.
I had no problems getting all A's in school. But after that....well, I was never enough again. And I internalized it.
Later in college I had an A going but did not turn in the last paper and failed the class. Some part of me loved it, that I had allowed myself to fail.
Honestly, I was raised on the cliche "There is no margin for error"
Holy cow!
You, too, have very high expectations and you have the script written out.
How dare I say this?
I know how you feel about ambition and achievement.
More importantly, I know you have all ready defined the man you wish to marry.
Barbie and Ken are a perfect match. Real people aren't made that way.
Like you, I have certain things that make some people an absolute strike out, but I am more open now to getting to know people as they are. I think dating sucks. Meeting people, friendly acquaintances, and some real friends are more natural.
And, in my case, I didn't feel any immediate click...it was friends with benefits for quite a long time. The love developed. And I wouldn't have scripted him or most of the others I have loved. The one who did fit my script, after following the local gossip for years, I am glad I didn't go there. We were passionate and I thought he was everything I wanted. But I have learned he is not a very good husband.
just my off the cuff thoughts.
If you want to do that surgery, do it! REALLY! I think it is a good idea based on some observations and some interviews I have seen on tv. It is removing something that is damaging and limiting to your self-esteem and your life.
To me, it is not much different than the way I have been coloring my hair for decades, because I don't feel as good when I am gray. And it does affect the way others perceive me.
all said in love,
Tena
I had a very high load of expectations laid on me. Was gifted and supposed to be wildly successful and highly educated. Normal was not good enough.
I had no problems getting all A's in school. But after that....well, I was never enough again. And I internalized it.
Later in college I had an A going but did not turn in the last paper and failed the class. Some part of me loved it, that I had allowed myself to fail.
Honestly, I was raised on the cliche "There is no margin for error"
Holy cow!
You, too, have very high expectations and you have the script written out.
How dare I say this?
I know how you feel about ambition and achievement.
More importantly, I know you have all ready defined the man you wish to marry.
Barbie and Ken are a perfect match. Real people aren't made that way.
Like you, I have certain things that make some people an absolute strike out, but I am more open now to getting to know people as they are. I think dating sucks. Meeting people, friendly acquaintances, and some real friends are more natural.
And, in my case, I didn't feel any immediate click...it was friends with benefits for quite a long time. The love developed. And I wouldn't have scripted him or most of the others I have loved. The one who did fit my script, after following the local gossip for years, I am glad I didn't go there. We were passionate and I thought he was everything I wanted. But I have learned he is not a very good husband.
just my off the cuff thoughts.
If you want to do that surgery, do it! REALLY! I think it is a good idea based on some observations and some interviews I have seen on tv. It is removing something that is damaging and limiting to your self-esteem and your life.
To me, it is not much different than the way I have been coloring my hair for decades, because I don't feel as good when I am gray. And it does affect the way others perceive me.
all said in love,
Tena
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i haven't been feeling too great lately. I came back 2 work from my vacation on that monday (the 11th, i think) and the next day i told my boss i needed a few more days. i took off the rest of the week. i didn't do much but sleep...until stupid sunday night...then i got energy to actually do some good packing and organizing things to keep and things to not.
so...i've yet to go to bed. it was a rough day b/c of that, but i made it thru...barely. stupid intern...i'm super glad to be rid of that shadow. when i left on tuesday i gave him 4 simple assignments, which he had 3 days to do in....and he didn't do 2 of them. grrrr! The one lady, he even called twice friday to tell her he was coming to take the photos.....then never showed!!
so on top of my no sleep...i had my 40 min commute to work...then spent more than half of my day in my car driving to multiple assignments in 3 different towns...just trying to catch up from being gone 3 dam days.
i'm getting to that sleepy point where i get pissy.. humph.
so...i've yet to go to bed. it was a rough day b/c of that, but i made it thru...barely. stupid intern...i'm super glad to be rid of that shadow. when i left on tuesday i gave him 4 simple assignments, which he had 3 days to do in....and he didn't do 2 of them. grrrr! The one lady, he even called twice friday to tell her he was coming to take the photos.....then never showed!!
so on top of my no sleep...i had my 40 min commute to work...then spent more than half of my day in my car driving to multiple assignments in 3 different towns...just trying to catch up from being gone 3 dam days.
i'm getting to that sleepy point where i get pissy.. humph.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
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i never came close to being a straight-A student like you, but i know what you mean.
i told my therapist today that i'm SLOWLY coming to the realization that even if i set my full mind and heart on doing just half of the things i think i should be able to do (and want to) that i would kill myself trying to do just that half.
i am unbelievably hard on myself. unfortunately, i know and understand what part of my childhood that developed in and what parts it continued to be fed in. i will never be able to explain to most people what it's like to be desserted by you mother, then your father marry's a woman with a daughter my age and while all living under the same roof....the only time i am spoken to or acknowledge is if i'm being given orders or getting yelled at or being made to feel bad (to the point of tears) just for asking for $1.10 to be able to have lunch. (and all while knowing my father, the one bringing me to tears from guilt for asking, spent all night at the bar buying his buddies and girls drinks with his "last" whatever money he had.
the only time i recieved any positive attention....was when i over-achieved. And that came when my father would brag to his buddies about what his teenage daughter had accomplished.
but that was always short-lived attention. i quickly faded.....and with it so did i.
Once again, i became the step-daughter and step-sister who was so unworthy as to be said hello to, talked to like i existed and was such a horrible person that i deserved to be treated like i didn't even belong in my own home....the one i was raised in.
i had no home.
i know little of what a true home feels like.
i had a place to live, but never a home.
and my dad still can't understand why i had enough of him and his drinking to finally say enough 2 years ago and stop talking to him. I have no relationship with him....and he gets my sister to try to make me feel guilty by telling me "you know he still doesn't understand why you don't want to talk to him."
how can he be human and not understand that any time he is in my life he creates pain than i can not continuously bare as a result of his constant selfishness. hell....he still blames me to my face about the problems we had when i was a teenager. My first boyfriend may have been a horrible person, but he treated me like gold compared to my own family...and he stuck by me and made me feel good about myself from time to time - and for no other reason than for me being ME!!!
of course i was going to be a rebelious teen when he tried to take that away from me...the only person I felt gave a real damn. that boyfriend was the ONLY person who WANTED me in his life -- rather than being shown in everyway that i was completely unwanted and a burden to everyone else.
yes....depressed...i'm depressed.
i tried to ignore that yesterday was father's day, but the media makes that hard sometimes. i hate to think of there being an entire day set aside to honor a man who could let me grow up feeling so unworthy of love that i can't even love myself.
all i can see is myself through my father's eyes as i experienced them.
i am only someone when i do something great
i am only worthy of attention when i draw attention away from others by doing better
i am ONLY what i can accomplish.
without goals...i am nothing.
i told my therapist today that i'm SLOWLY coming to the realization that even if i set my full mind and heart on doing just half of the things i think i should be able to do (and want to) that i would kill myself trying to do just that half.
i am unbelievably hard on myself. unfortunately, i know and understand what part of my childhood that developed in and what parts it continued to be fed in. i will never be able to explain to most people what it's like to be desserted by you mother, then your father marry's a woman with a daughter my age and while all living under the same roof....the only time i am spoken to or acknowledge is if i'm being given orders or getting yelled at or being made to feel bad (to the point of tears) just for asking for $1.10 to be able to have lunch. (and all while knowing my father, the one bringing me to tears from guilt for asking, spent all night at the bar buying his buddies and girls drinks with his "last" whatever money he had.
the only time i recieved any positive attention....was when i over-achieved. And that came when my father would brag to his buddies about what his teenage daughter had accomplished.
but that was always short-lived attention. i quickly faded.....and with it so did i.
Once again, i became the step-daughter and step-sister who was so unworthy as to be said hello to, talked to like i existed and was such a horrible person that i deserved to be treated like i didn't even belong in my own home....the one i was raised in.
i had no home.
i know little of what a true home feels like.
i had a place to live, but never a home.
and my dad still can't understand why i had enough of him and his drinking to finally say enough 2 years ago and stop talking to him. I have no relationship with him....and he gets my sister to try to make me feel guilty by telling me "you know he still doesn't understand why you don't want to talk to him."
how can he be human and not understand that any time he is in my life he creates pain than i can not continuously bare as a result of his constant selfishness. hell....he still blames me to my face about the problems we had when i was a teenager. My first boyfriend may have been a horrible person, but he treated me like gold compared to my own family...and he stuck by me and made me feel good about myself from time to time - and for no other reason than for me being ME!!!
of course i was going to be a rebelious teen when he tried to take that away from me...the only person I felt gave a real damn. that boyfriend was the ONLY person who WANTED me in his life -- rather than being shown in everyway that i was completely unwanted and a burden to everyone else.
yes....depressed...i'm depressed.
i tried to ignore that yesterday was father's day, but the media makes that hard sometimes. i hate to think of there being an entire day set aside to honor a man who could let me grow up feeling so unworthy of love that i can't even love myself.
all i can see is myself through my father's eyes as i experienced them.
i am only someone when i do something great
i am only worthy of attention when i draw attention away from others by doing better
i am ONLY what i can accomplish.
without goals...i am nothing.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You don't owe him or anyone in your family an explanation of why you cut them out of your life.
I cut off a 30 year friendship about a year or more ago. That person has tried to call...I won't answer the phone. I have never had a conversation with him about why I have had enough of him and am done. Period. Done. I don't need people who take advantage of me or disrespect me. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I hate it that you were treated that way!
I don't think my dad realized what he was doing...he was very proud of me and sis says she thinks he was projecting his own unrealized dreams on me. But we were well cared for in general.
I really understand the being lonely. After I divorced I thought I would be remarried within 2-4 years....it took 13. And I would read about the importance of love and etc and know that I needed this. And I would get quite depressed about it. And yes went into some bad relationships that didn't last and only harmed me, but I was starving.
Funny...a guy named Midas was just posting today in the Relationships forum about not having dated for 8 years and that women don't really want a nice guy and he was tired of being taken advantage of and mistreated.
He wants to know how to meet a nice woman!
So, there are some out there....but be damned if they were in my neighborhood!
I cut off a 30 year friendship about a year or more ago. That person has tried to call...I won't answer the phone. I have never had a conversation with him about why I have had enough of him and am done. Period. Done. I don't need people who take advantage of me or disrespect me. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
I hate it that you were treated that way!
I don't think my dad realized what he was doing...he was very proud of me and sis says she thinks he was projecting his own unrealized dreams on me. But we were well cared for in general.
I really understand the being lonely. After I divorced I thought I would be remarried within 2-4 years....it took 13. And I would read about the importance of love and etc and know that I needed this. And I would get quite depressed about it. And yes went into some bad relationships that didn't last and only harmed me, but I was starving.
Funny...a guy named Midas was just posting today in the Relationships forum about not having dated for 8 years and that women don't really want a nice guy and he was tired of being taken advantage of and mistreated.
He wants to know how to meet a nice woman!
So, there are some out there....but be damned if they were in my neighborhood!
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Originally Posted by KatieRose 
Jenna,
I'm always here.
I'm always here.
thanks katie....you're always here and yet always so quite...why? It's okay to join us and talk....i just want you to know that.
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