PaperDolls

Thanks Teach. I've cut the sleep meds out. I'm only taking the clonpin. It just seems to work the best.

I've had a cold the last few dasy.

But here I am, almost 1am. I took the clonopin and some nyquil hours ago and I'm so awake thinking thinking thinking. Why does my brain turn on after hours?

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

PaperDolls

I might buy a big book.
I need $6.

I'm so so so so so so sleepy today. I can't keep my eyes open, like I'm drugged or something. I think I"ll get to the doc.......should I just go to my shrink (have an appt. tomorrow) or should I go to my general today? It's such a strange feeling.

PaperDolls

Went to the doc on Tuesday ..... he's running lots of blood tests. I'm sure they'll all be normal. He's ordered a sleep study so hopefully I'll do that soon.

Saw the shrink yesterday. She taking me off the Wellbutrin and putting me on Cymbalta. I'll stay on the Prozac. She's suggesting, because I told her how overwhelmed I'm feeling, that I talk to my boss about a reduced work schedule. Holy crap, that scares the **** out of me. The thought of that conversation ..... but I've been thinking the same thing. I think C thinks it's insane. It is I suppose...... I'm more depressed than I've been in a very long time. I got my 90 day chip on Wednesday and I'm like la te freakin da....my life sucks.

That's my story.

So, should I quit all meds and go back to drinking ....... I wasn't depressed then. I'm so tired of everything being such a big deal. I feel like a big lazy, worthless POS. I hate this!!!! I'm tired of changing meds and going to see the shrink, meds work, meds don't work, can't sleep, sleep too much, tired all the time, grumpy, moody, blah blah blah.

I'm tired of all of it.

Rowan

I do understand, Jen. I was less-than-impressed with my sobriety in the early days and I was so depressed also. I quit my meds entiredly - twice - while sober, and each time after several months I fell hard. One time I relapsed, the other I didn't - but it was pretty close.

If you feel that a reduced work schedule would help your mental health, and your doc agrees, then do just that. I took two leaves from work and it wasn't a good decision for me. I didn't have to get up for work, so I didn't get up, period. I needed to be working - or to have my day structured. I'd commit to going to a meeting every day, then out for coffee with someone in the program.

Meds - well, I've been on lots too. Right now it's Paxil only and it's working really well. I'm not trudging through the day anymore - but those days will come again, and I'll have to adjust my meds - again.

So - one thing at a time. If you feel it's right, talk to your boss. Never mind C, never mind anything - do what feels right for YOU.

I'm really proud of you for achieving 90 days of sobriety. It IS a really big thing for an alcoholic to get sober - so pat yourself on the back. This is hard work that you are doing.

You have my email. Use it if you need to. I'm always around.

Hang in there!!!

Astro

NO!!

You are anything but that Jen!

PaperDolls

Still sober, just been very busy at work.
100 days yesterday.
A change in my meds.
Still not sleeping but I did finally have that sleep study done.
I should get some results in the next few weeks.
Busy at work and been getting to meetings pretty much everyday.

Have a great weekend.

Astro

100 days?!!

Meetings almost every day?!!

Way to go Jen!!

Rowan

I echo Scott. Fantastic, Jen. I'm really really proud of you for doing the next right thing for your recovery. It's been an inspiration to witness your growth.

shutterbug

(((((CONGRATS))))) on 100 days!!!! That's sooooo awsome!

Sorry for not checking in more. As i was reading, i was going to suggest a sleep study to see if you have sleep apnea. Not only can it make you extremely tired after a full night's sleep, but it also causes depression.

When I did mine, i found out that I stop breathing about 60 times an hour...and the longest they recorded was me not breathing for a full 90 seconds!! I can't even do that awake if i tried!!! Basically, they said that in 8 hours of sleep, i was really only getting about 20 minutes of real sleep. WOW!

Anyway, it took a little bit for me to get use to wearing the thing for my CPAP machine, but it doesn't bother me much now (when i use it....i have to admit i haven't hooked it up since i moved). First they tried giving me a mask that went over both my mouth and my nose...and i couldn't have gotten use to that in a 100 years. Finally, I got a mask that just has an tube that comes down and just fits into my nose. Not pretty....i know, but it sure does help me a bunch when i use it. (in fact....i'm going to try to push myself to set up my bed this eveing )

Anyway, i also wanted to share with you something that has always helped me fall asleep - MUSIC!! And not just ANY music though. It has to be the SAME soft music played every night as you lay down. If you fall asleep to the same music for a week or two, then there is something about it that starts triggering your brain for sleep as soon as you hear it.

I instictively did it, sorta, in early high school. I'd play a song by Paula Abdule (sp?) every night just before i layed my head down on the pillow. (I think the song was "Opposites Attract", the one they played in that Cheetos commecial several years ago. But hey, it worked!)

There are also self-hypnotic relaxation tapes and cds if you'd like to try that, but really, just any nice music works if you stick to it.

I have several relaxing orchestral CDs and would be happy to send you one. Just PM me with your addy if you'd feel comfortable with that.

Hugs,
Jenna

gypsytears

100 days and you have had the sleep study !!!

I'm very proud if you for both PD.

PaperDolls

Thanks for all the congrats.

Why is it, from one day to the next ........ one day is good, the next sucks? I'm so tired of all of this crap. The depression and sleep problems mainly. I should hear something about my sleep study tomorrow or Monday by the way. I'm guessing they'll say they found nothing and then there will be nothing to do. Nothing wrong .... I just have poor sleep habits and I need to quit being lazy and fix it my damn self.

I guess I just have these days where I'm convinced all this is my fault and I can just fix it if I try hard enough. It's really wearing me out.

PaperDolls

I feel like I need a break. My Psych had suggested reduced work hours and when I said something to my boss about it, he looked ...... confused. That's the only way I can describe it. So, it wasn't much of a conversation.

Another concern I have about that, and C does as well, what will I do while I'm not working? Just sleep and be depressed? I don't want to do that. I'm picturing like some time off to go somewhere, a hospital? to help me get better. I just haven't been able to find something like that around here.

Sometimes I wish they'd just diagnose me with cancer or lupus or something ....... and I know it sounds horrible ...... but then may be people would understand it better and I wouldn't feel like such a damn loser.

stone

I think your sleep problems will have been exacerbated by sleep meds Jen.

You are depressed it isn't your fault! Part of depression is thinking everything is our fault.

If you reduce your hours you could walk, read, go to a gym or get a massage, do something for you!

Love ya Doll face.

shutterbug

I can't tell you how OFTEN I wish I had some severe physical illness instead of this!!! For example, if you DID have cancer and asked your boss about reduced work hours....he/she would have naturally, AT LEAST, given it some thought and talked with HR about it....and probably said yes.

I don't remember your diagnosis, but if your doctor can suggest that you need the reduced hours, or time off, to treat your depression....then, by law, your company has to. Time off for treatment falls under FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) and the ADA (American's with Disabilities Act). By law, if you go to your employer and tell them you need reduced work hours to help with your current dibilitating illness issues they have to grant such ...as that would be considered a 'reasonable accommodation' under the ADA.

HOWEVER, they may fight you about either taking FMLA or trying to force them to agree to reduced hours. The laws say we are protected in these situations....but my experiences have been the opposite. For the reduced hours, you'd have to fully disclose your disability and explain the request is directly related....then....they will try to make you prove you have a disability....and THERE is where it often becomes a loosing battle for us. My previous employer tried to make me sign over complete release of all my medical records before they would even consider accomodations....even after i presented them a note from my doctor of my diagnosis (which is clearly outlined as a disability in the ADA). They can not do that. All they can legally request is what I gave.

For FMLA leave, that's pretty easy to get approved for the actual leave time if your doc approves and you disclose the illness....BUT you must be prepared for actions of retaliation toward you when you return from the leave time. It doesn't always happen, of course, but I'm O for 2.....with being fired from both newspapers within 3-6 months after returning from medical leave.

So, ultimately, it depends on you and what you are willing to possibly have to deal with as a result of trying to help yourself thru what the law says you are entitled to.

If you DO decide on either option....I'd suggest looking into day treatment programs. Each day I had to drive 40-50 minutes (one way only) to attend day treatment the first time, but it was worth the commute. There has to be SOME kind of program and facility in your area. If you feel comfortable p.m.-ing me with your location, i will see what I might be able to find out about. (I didn't know about ANY of the beneficial programs in my area until a therapist told me of some..and later a psychiatrist of others).

Hugs,
Jenna

PaperDolls

(((Jenna)))

PaperDolls

I'm so effin', gd, freakin', SOB'n, angry that I can't just get the eff out of bed when the alarm goes off.

Did I mention I'm pissed?

Lilyflower

(((Paperdolls)))

I know how daunting it can be to talk things through with your employer. I avoided doing that with my last few jobs because I did not want them to think I was the cliche miserable so and so who just can't snap out of it, or alternatively treat me like I was wrapped in cotton wool and verbally tiptoe around me!

I would take time off on sick leave when I was having a really bad day and couldn't get out of the door, blaming a stomach bug or anything rather than admit it was depression.

I have been a bit more honest with my new employer, told them about the things going on at home, but still have never used the D word!

I admire your strength to do so! Good for you!

Hope your sleeping better!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PaperDolls

I've used the D word.
He doesn't get it.
And he's tired of me being "sick".
He want's me to "get better".
Hello! So do I dumb butt!
I told him that ..... not in those words but yeah, I want to be better Mister!

I wake up late for work and then I'm pissed and then I'm pissy the rest of the day. I'm sick of it. SICK of it.

I did the sleep study and it may be another week before I hear anything. Probably say nothing's wrong with me. If they say that, I'm going to punch a wall. Seriously.

Astro

I'm sorry you're pissed, angry, struggling Jen. Wish I could make it all better for you

Ever think about moving your alarm ten feet away from the bed so you have to get up to shut it off? I used to have two alarm clocks due to the same problem. That second one woke me up every time!

Lilyflower

Lol! I am like this too! I get p*ssed off whenever things seem to be slowing me down, sometimes it seems like no matter how hard I am trying to do something it keeps messing up, that gets me irritated too! I try to take 5 minutes and 'find my happy place' before I move on cos I know I will blow. Plus when your 10yr old daughter comes to you and says 'relax mummy just breathe' it makes you take note that 'woah I have got to get control of this'

(((((PD))))))

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx