He's gone isn't he?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Yes, it will hurt. It will stop hurting so much when you start to distance yourself from him emotionally. So exactly how do you do that?
When a relationship is failing, people automatically start distancing themselves, over months or years, but you can choose to do that as well.
You've acknowledged, logically, that he is "gone" but have you accepted that emotionally? Probably not, but that takes time. It will help to go no contact with him (except through a lawyer). Why is he texting or calling you, maybe now is the time to block him? He has nothing to say that you need to hear. In fact, since you are so vulnerable right now, it's really important to protect yourself and he is not your friend, he doesn't wish you well, he just doesn't care (about anything).
When a relationship is failing, people automatically start distancing themselves, over months or years, but you can choose to do that as well.
You've acknowledged, logically, that he is "gone" but have you accepted that emotionally? Probably not, but that takes time. It will help to go no contact with him (except through a lawyer). Why is he texting or calling you, maybe now is the time to block him? He has nothing to say that you need to hear. In fact, since you are so vulnerable right now, it's really important to protect yourself and he is not your friend, he doesn't wish you well, he just doesn't care (about anything).
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Blocking him would anger him, he was call the cops say I'm not letting him see our kids, not to mention his name is on the lease I literally can't keep him out with alot of his tools and work stuff still here no matter how much I have asked him to please take it away since he doesn't help financially with absolutely nothing. I am not almost 3 months backed up rent. Making payments. My landlord just hasn't evicted me because she knows my parents and feels bad for me and my kids. I'm trying so had to be strong. The closer I get the my due date the more I'm breaking. And he knows all of this. I never regret my kids. Never they are perfect just the way they are, but I feel horrible that they deserve so much better than this. They are the most loving happy kids, and their father doesn't care about them. I did everything I could to keep the family together. And now I find myself being a single mother of soon to be 4, 3 of which are all in diapers, and not able to give them nothing but love. I ca t afford anything. And it makes me feel horrible even though I'm doing my best I feel like a failure as a parent and he knows how to remind me of this.
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You're not a failure. Please don't listen to what he has to say about you or anything else. He's not your friend, he doesn't care if he hurts you, in fact he wants to hurt you. The only alternative to lashing out at you is looking at himself and he absolutely doesn't want to do that.
Have you contacted social services in your area? Have you looked at benefits that you might be entitled to? If not, I hope you will give them a call. You aren't alone, there are people that will help you, financially and otherwise.
You do need a lawyer. There are lawyers available at little or no cost, generally, through lawyers aid (it's based on your income). You may be able to just google that information or speak to social services about it or even your local domestic violence center. All these people can advise you on how to keep him away from you.
Ideally he should have his tools in a storage facility, if he has no where else. Also, custody arrangements should be made. He should also be paying child support. Even if his name is on the lease, you can speak to a lawyer about how you can go about removing him. He left, his access to the home may be limited or non-existent.
I'm sure these are all things you just don't want to deal with right now. Do you have someone who can help you with all of this, a good friend or family member? Maybe they can do some of the groundwork for you. The first call should be to social services or DV, to see about getting money to live on. So maybe just focus on that for right now, small steps.
Have you contacted social services in your area? Have you looked at benefits that you might be entitled to? If not, I hope you will give them a call. You aren't alone, there are people that will help you, financially and otherwise.
You do need a lawyer. There are lawyers available at little or no cost, generally, through lawyers aid (it's based on your income). You may be able to just google that information or speak to social services about it or even your local domestic violence center. All these people can advise you on how to keep him away from you.
Ideally he should have his tools in a storage facility, if he has no where else. Also, custody arrangements should be made. He should also be paying child support. Even if his name is on the lease, you can speak to a lawyer about how you can go about removing him. He left, his access to the home may be limited or non-existent.
I'm sure these are all things you just don't want to deal with right now. Do you have someone who can help you with all of this, a good friend or family member? Maybe they can do some of the groundwork for you. The first call should be to social services or DV, to see about getting money to live on. So maybe just focus on that for right now, small steps.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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I am currently in the hospital, he came back. He hit our 1 year old for spilling water on the floor. When I went to defend him he started beating me. Our 8 year old daughter saw she started screaming for him to stop. She hit and bit him and he turned on her. My sister was upstairs and ran downstairs to step in. He broke everything. Cops were called. They took him in.
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This man is vile. I so hope they sling his backside in a cell.
Beating you at any time is off limits, but whilst pregnant is disgusting. And hitting a baby! He doesn't deserve you or your children.
Things are tough at the moment, but they won't always be.
Do everything you can to keep him away from you and your kids. Find out what your options are, and what help is available to you.
I'm so sorry this has happened.
Sending Love
Bute x
Beating you at any time is off limits, but whilst pregnant is disgusting. And hitting a baby! He doesn't deserve you or your children.
Things are tough at the moment, but they won't always be.
Do everything you can to keep him away from you and your kids. Find out what your options are, and what help is available to you.
I'm so sorry this has happened.
Sending Love
Bute x
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Originally Posted by Just4me1990 
I am currently in the hospital, he came back. He hit our 1 year old for spilling water on the floor. When I went to defend him he started beating me. Our 8 year old daughter saw she started screaming for him to stop. She hit and bit him and he turned on her. My sister was upstairs and ran downstairs to step in. He broke everything. Cops were called. They took him in.
Anyway I am glad you are all alive and that he is locked up.
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Oh, Just4me, I am SO sorry you went through all that. I hope your hospital stay won't be too long. Thank goodness your sister was there. Please take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to keep this man as far away from you as possible. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Hey everyone, I honestly don't know what to say... they did alot of tests thank God the baby is okay, they did a CT and that came back okay as well. The detectives came a while ago to talk to me, and cops are coming back to pick me up so I can officially start the restraining order process. He was back but not living there, my grandmother passed away and he heard about it, my mother had to leave to our country and I guess seeing it now he used that to manipulate her. Because he was out of no where so nice. My mother would call me on whatsapp and say he seems like he just wants to help. He took me to 1 of our kids appointments. And dropped off some sneakers for our daughter and I since hers wouldn't fit and mine had holes on them, I wouldn't speak much because it felt weird. How nice he was being. Today he asked to come over early to help paint our daughters room. He knew I was too tired to do it since my mother has a cleaning company, money is running tight so it has been me cleaning the houses. I agreed because of how much physical pain I've been in from working I'm a few weeks away from my c section day. So I guess I started falling for it too. He arrived around 7 I was still asleep. I asked if I could keep on sleeping he said no problem and said he needed to step out. When he came back I was up at 9:30am he seemed different and asked if he could lay down but did it anyway I said no because we had alot of things to do today he started to snap I finished getting the kids ready when I came into the room our 18 month old was on the floor playing with water from a water bottle he was holding when I woke him up and asked him to help me and he saw the "mess" our son did he just snapped. It happened so fast.
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Well I am so glad you are all going to be ok.
He's dangerous, I hope you are pressing charges if that option is available to you.
You know, we are kind of taught, generally through movies and TV that "bad" people aren't sitting at the kitchen table offering to paint a room. They are evil criminals roaming the streets. That's not really the case. He weaseled his way in to your house, he used your Mother, in part, to do this.
He may be the father of your children, he is also now a criminal and not to be trusted, not ever, not even for a minute.
I'm really glad you have that restraining order, that will help. Have you contacted your local DV center? I do hope the hospital and/or the police have or will give you contact numbers for support. Financial as well as emotional. There should be a social worker at the hospital who can point you to services as well.
I'm sure you will just be glad to be home with your kids and safe. Try to take good care of yourself, this is so traumatic and will take time to recover from.
He's dangerous, I hope you are pressing charges if that option is available to you.
You know, we are kind of taught, generally through movies and TV that "bad" people aren't sitting at the kitchen table offering to paint a room. They are evil criminals roaming the streets. That's not really the case. He weaseled his way in to your house, he used your Mother, in part, to do this.
He may be the father of your children, he is also now a criminal and not to be trusted, not ever, not even for a minute.
I'm really glad you have that restraining order, that will help. Have you contacted your local DV center? I do hope the hospital and/or the police have or will give you contact numbers for support. Financial as well as emotional. There should be a social worker at the hospital who can point you to services as well.
I'm sure you will just be glad to be home with your kids and safe. Try to take good care of yourself, this is so traumatic and will take time to recover from.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Yes, the office just called me actually asking for my VINE number to tell me he will be going in front of a judge today and might be released. They will let me know if he is or not. Yes I also am going to this program called the YWCA to see what options I have to keep my children and I safe. It is weird it's like I am on auto pilot. It has happened so many times that it is surreal this time is for real. I am making sure I leave no room for contact whats so ever. But I won't lie I am petrified for what's to come, and how angry he is. If it's one thing I know about him is that he does not let things go. Ever. Its almost as if he gets off on making someone suffer for not staying and putting up with him. I'm also haunted by his face. All I see is him when I sleep. Nothing scary. Worse actually. I dream of simple things. Us laughing while watching a movie, eating and talking about non sense. Last night I had a dream my water broke and he was frantic trying to get the kids up and ready so we could leave to the hospital. I woke up looking down worried my water really did break because it was so real. But no everything was dry. I looked next to me and instead of him it was my kids I was surrounded by. I go in for a scheduled c section on April 4th or 5th doctors will let me know on next visit. He has been by my side during every single one of them. So this is hurting. But I am trying to think how temporary that would last. After our second child I found myself only 1 week waking up with my wallet and him gone our baby crying and having to wake up our then 6 year old daughter to watch him while I slowly went down the stairs and to the kitchen to warm up a bottle for him. I know there are SO Many bad moments. So I don't understand why my brain is showing me the good times. Its torture. I would rather nightmares
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I just wanted to send you some love, I’m so sorry to read what has happened to you. Perhaps this was needed to get you to where you needed to be, to see him as the person he is now, not who he was. It’s so easy to see them as the man you met or the potential of the man they could be if they ‘just get better’. Similar to you I’ve found my mind pulling up all the memories from around when me and my ex first met, I don’t really understand it either, it feels cruel. I’ve been finding it very difficult. I can only guess that it’s our minds way of clinging on to familiarity where it thinks there is safety, even though the truth is the total opposite.
I hope so much that you find safety and peace. Sending you strength and love. I hope he is remorseful and stays away.
I hope so much that you find safety and peace. Sending you strength and love. I hope he is remorseful and stays away.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Well, the mind doesn't really like to dwell on the negative and maybe that's a good thing! If we were more drawn toward that, how miserable would we be? I'm sure for some people that is the case.
In particular, with relationships, who does want to ponder the negative? In particular when someone changes so drastically. .You don't want this person they have become and why are they so different and why can't you have the other guy back, he exists! You saw him last week!
Also I believe the mind likes to settle on an either/or, is he, were they this? or that?
So perhaps this is your mind's way of working that out. Once you accept that he is both, perhaps very deep down now, somewhat of a decent person and now, no longer recognizable, your mind will rest on that.
It is important to remind yourself of that, even if it's uncomfortable. You may want to write a short and sweet list of all the things he has done/said. While it sound like it might make you feel worse, in fact it might help. It reminds you how you got to where you are and why he is no longer around you. Refer to the list any time you start thinking about the "good times".
Most important right now is to realize he is a threat to the lives of you and your children. He may try to work his way back in to your lives. He may be sweet, so sorry, charming, caring, please don't believe that. He may show you something on the surface but you know what's underneath.
So close to having your baby, you are very vulnerable. Keep good friends and family close.
I'm so glad you have the YWCA meeting to learn about ways to keep yourself safe going forward.
In particular, with relationships, who does want to ponder the negative? In particular when someone changes so drastically. .You don't want this person they have become and why are they so different and why can't you have the other guy back, he exists! You saw him last week!
Also I believe the mind likes to settle on an either/or, is he, were they this? or that?
So perhaps this is your mind's way of working that out. Once you accept that he is both, perhaps very deep down now, somewhat of a decent person and now, no longer recognizable, your mind will rest on that.
It is important to remind yourself of that, even if it's uncomfortable. You may want to write a short and sweet list of all the things he has done/said. While it sound like it might make you feel worse, in fact it might help. It reminds you how you got to where you are and why he is no longer around you. Refer to the list any time you start thinking about the "good times".
Most important right now is to realize he is a threat to the lives of you and your children. He may try to work his way back in to your lives. He may be sweet, so sorry, charming, caring, please don't believe that. He may show you something on the surface but you know what's underneath.
So close to having your baby, you are very vulnerable. Keep good friends and family close.
I'm so glad you have the YWCA meeting to learn about ways to keep yourself safe going forward.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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I've tried to keep busy. Our 8 year old will start therapy soon. YWCA is trying to give me rental assistance, my therapy is going well. But I started feeling horrible today. I looked him up. It was the worst mistake. He doesn't even look like him. Or maybe he does? And I never really looked at him. There he was mugshot and all. His eyes look so dead. So different from the man I knew. All of a sudden I felt wrong like this will cost him his last fighting chance? I know that sounds ridiculous. I'm trying to make sense of it myself I don't understand why I feel so horrible. This is not how it was suppose to go, how it was suppose to end. I dont even recognize the person in that picture.
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I looked him up. It was the worst mistake. He doesn't even look like him. Or maybe he does? And I never really looked at him. There he was mugshot and all. His eyes look so dead. So different from the man I knew
Time away from him gives you time to clear the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).
After you first posted you mentioned you couldn't block him as that would make him angry. He hit you, he yelled at your kids, he stole your Mother's car. People who are abused, people wonder why they stay, well it's a complicated thing. Fear, people pleasing, feeling stuck, helpless, having your self confidence and self worth lowered. Any or all and more.
.All of a sudden I felt wrong like this will cost him his last fighting chance? I know that sounds ridiculous. I'm trying to make sense of it myself I don't understand why I feel so horrible.
This is not how it was suppose to go, how it was suppose to end. I dont even recognize the person in that picture.
You had an idea of how your life with him and your kids would go. This is certainly not part of that plan, he derailed it. But one can hold on to that, especially if the other person promises to "do better".
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I received the phonecall last night. I am scared of what he will do to make our lives harder. It's going to sound so immature but why can't he just think "I am sick, that was wrong, they deserve peace she is doing what I cant do because of my addiction. She is raising our kids, she doesn't deserve for me to make it harder " I know he is incapable of thinking logically, but they are just kids, I'm so close to having another one. And I'm scared. I'm scared of not making it through the 4th c section and what would happen to my children if I don't. It's not fair that I know he will find ways to make things harder for me now.
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The phone call saying he has been released or a phone call from him?
Well, if he was in his right mind he might think that, but he's not in his right mind at all. As you said, he is incapable of thinking logically. It would be much better if you didn't have to push back against the Father of your children, but that's not to be. You are a lot stronger than you think you are.
At the very least, with the restraining order in place, you can have some peace.
You have had a lot of very traumatic events lately J4M, a lot of upheaval. I hope you will call your doctor and discuss the c-section. Let them know you are worried and let them give you the facts.
Do you have any family or friends nearby? Ideally, maybe you could have someone come and stay with you for a week or two? Someone to have there to make you feel safer and someone to talk to. If not, perhaps you can reach out for other support, were you given any contacts that you can talk to that have other support available. Even if someone was popping by once a day.
It's going to sound so immature but why can't he just think "I am sick, that was wrong, they deserve peace she is doing what I cant do because of my addiction.
At the very least, with the restraining order in place, you can have some peace.
You have had a lot of very traumatic events lately J4M, a lot of upheaval. I hope you will call your doctor and discuss the c-section. Let them know you are worried and let them give you the facts.
Do you have any family or friends nearby? Ideally, maybe you could have someone come and stay with you for a week or two? Someone to have there to make you feel safer and someone to talk to. If not, perhaps you can reach out for other support, were you given any contacts that you can talk to that have other support available. Even if someone was popping by once a day.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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Hey yes they offered group for me when I'm ready, they think one on one is better for me. To tell you the truth Im open on here because I'm not physically in front of everyone once I'm in front of someone I'm embarrassed.. and as for support yes my family thank God is helping so much, also I received confirmation that the program YWCA will be taking care of all the rent I owe. I did wake up with good news today I'm very grateful for, and am trying to remain calm. I guess you can say I'm also anxious and overwhelmed the closer I get to my due date. I did speak to my doctor the last appointment she said no way can I push given the fact that my last two were in 2022 and in 2021. She said it is to risky to try to push for me. Said with c sections the placenta can get more stuck, and it will highten my chances of getting placenta acreda or preva? (Sp?) She said we can go talking about it more. Since the hospital I'm doing my midwife appointments with is the same I went to after what happened they know about the DV they were very nice to me last visit. Also what I meant was the office called in that automated message letting me know he was released.
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I'm glad they contacted you, at least you know what's happening there. I assume he isn't allowed to contact you at all, so if you get a call that you don't recognize, maybe let it go to voicemail? At least that puts you in control.
The rent being paid is a great thing, that must have been a huge weight off your shoulders.
As for the c-section, you will be fine, just take good care of yourself and if you think you are starting labour, call an ambulance (don't hesitate) and let the doctors take care of you. I know someone who had a baby not so long ago and they ended up having to do a c-section when the person was already well in to labour. All was well and mother and baby are both healthy and happy!
Worry helps no one and you have had two c-sections now, so you know what to expect on a practical level. Try to think good thoughts. I know that's easy for me to say, but if you purposefully picture things going smoothly and holding your newborn, introducing him or her to his or her siblings, that's much more helpful than worry.
The rent being paid is a great thing, that must have been a huge weight off your shoulders.
As for the c-section, you will be fine, just take good care of yourself and if you think you are starting labour, call an ambulance (don't hesitate) and let the doctors take care of you. I know someone who had a baby not so long ago and they ended up having to do a c-section when the person was already well in to labour. All was well and mother and baby are both healthy and happy!
Worry helps no one and you have had two c-sections now, so you know what to expect on a practical level. Try to think good thoughts. I know that's easy for me to say, but if you purposefully picture things going smoothly and holding your newborn, introducing him or her to his or her siblings, that's much more helpful than worry.
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Join Date: Nov 2022
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You are right, today the kids are not doing so well 2 out of 3 are sick. But my daughter and I are slowly getting things sorted. Tomorrow my brother is going to paint my daughters room she's very excited about. Thinking I might accept an invite I've been wanting to accept for years now to go to this church for the morning service tomorrow. Just ro get away for a bit. Try to stay calm and prepare myself mentally for this upcoming week and the court date next Friday.
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I think accepting an invite you’ve wanted to for years is a great idea. A way to remind your body and the pent-up (understandably!) anxiety inside that there are still going to be positive, enjoyable experiences on the path ahead. For you and your children.
I just read through all of these posts for the first time, and I know you don’t know me, but I’m so unbelievably impressed with you. You are doing one of the hardest things, and it’s going to give you and your kids such a brighter future.
I just read through all of these posts for the first time, and I know you don’t know me, but I’m so unbelievably impressed with you. You are doing one of the hardest things, and it’s going to give you and your kids such a brighter future.
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