SmallButMighty

This conversation reminded me of something I said in a different thread from a few years ago when a member posed a question to the board, she wanted to know if those of us that had left our qualifiers felt like we were escaping. this was my answer:

the whole thread can be found here if you are inclined to read it:

http://https://www.soberrecovery.com...-escaping.html

Action

The best way to deal with the mail is to take what you have of his to the post office and hand it to them and tell them he no longer lives there and not to deliver his mail to your address. He is trying to use your address for his probation but lives elsewhere. They will take care of it.

hopeful4

This is what I did when I divorced and XAH refused to change his address.

Katerina1072

I think the link may be broken? At least it's not working for me.

Thank you everyone for your replies. You all make SO much sense at such a difficult time. HUGS!

trailmix

It is and it isn't? Have you ever heard a man (or a woman I suppose, although I have never, personally, heard a woman say this)

She took me for everything! I bought all of my wives a house and now I don't have a house, I looked after her like she was a queen and she has everything, what about me!

Yeah well, she probably has the house because there are children or because she bought him out because she wanted to take on the responsibility and he didn't. If that isn't the case the fact that he didn't try to settle it another way is his to own.

Point being, thinking people know this. They may nod their heads and say "oh that's too bad" but that's not what they are probably thinking. Even that is beside the point because it doesn't matter! You know who you are, you know what's going on, you know that you have integrity. That's important, that you know, that you are doing the next right thing.

He is an addict yes, but that doesn't mean he gets a pass on all and any responsibility for his life. Yes, it's a mental illness but it's one that drastically affects those around them and that should never be downplayed or dismissed.

trailmix

I think this link works:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-escaping.html (Does it feel like escaping?)

Katerina1072

Well, I have some news. He asked to see me today, he looked horrible. He actually made himself appointments for Monday and next week for addictive counseling, therapy and group meetings. I may be an idiot but I could tell he wasn't using and he realized he's never going to get help at his sister's. He wants to come home. So praying this really works and I don't end up flat on my face. If I do, I know it's on me. But I just have too good a heart and too much hope for his future to toss him aside when he really made the effort. Send some prayers my way, please. ❤ Also, I am glad the girls will be here. I don't think any of us wanted to see them stuck over there in that house. It makes me smile to know that they are safe, I really do love them. If this fails, then shame on me for having hope. I'll gladly take the title of world's biggest fool. Maybe I am an fool for having hope. I just can't turn my back on him when he is putting in the effort and says he knows he's not going to have any kind of future if he doesn't get help.

trailmix

Katerina, I don't think you are a fool and I won't think you are a fool if all his resolve diminishes and he never gets any help.

Here is the thing, try not to be too hopeful. You say he is "putting in the effort" but at this point his only effort is getting back to your house from the roach motel - yes he looks terrible, he has had thousands of dollars to spend on drugs over a few weeks. Remember, yesterday he said he hated hurting you and would come back but he got high and changed his mind.

The day before, same thing.

Today he is getting help - next week - why do you believe him? Did you believe him yesterday and the day before? I don't know that he is lying but he sure as heck can't make a decision and stick to it.

Only you. The Sister doesn't care, the Mother doesn't care, your BF does not care, all these people were willing to have them be there. Only you are relieved. The people you are speaking about are not on the same wavelength as you, they are not your friends, they are loyal to themselves.

You said yesterday: He never went to his Sister's for help, he went there to get high. I imagine the money has run out now? If he says it hasn't, have him show it to you?

Honestly, I don't believe that all relationships with addicts are "doomed" I'm not some naysayer, I think under the right circumstances there can absolutely be hope.

All he has done so far is let you support him, take your $5000.00, spend it on drugs with his Sister and so you could pay his back child support then abandon you the minute he was financially able, that's it. Please don't put the cart before the horse here, he has made zero effort, that is the truth right now. It's ok to hope, but being realistic is important to protect yourself. You can't keep getting hit by how this is hurting you without having it affect you.

I hope you will continue to post. It is all too easy to fall back in to old patterns, you being the caregiver, him being the "victim" - isolating yourself to look after him.

If he doesn't quit next week, if he doesn't go to detox (if needed) if he doesn't seek recovery, you will be right back where you were a few weeks ago before he took off on you. Look at his ACTIONS not his words.

Please don't sleep with him until he has clear AIDS and hepatitis tests. He has been in a household with an intravenous heroin user(s) you don't know that he hasn't tried it and shared those needles and you can't take his word for it because he might not even remember. Protect yourself.

Katerina1072

Thanks, Trailmix. Trust me, I am very skeptical and scared. I did verify the appointments, now we just have to see if he sticks to everything. I care too much sometimes, I have a very bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I guess I'll know soon enough if he's serious. I promise I'll keep posting.

Luckily his sister's husband hasn't been using needles. He's been snorting. But I do understand your concern. Thankfully my (I don't even know what to call him these days...BF? My ring isn't going back on for a LONG time) has this huge fear of needles. Times like this I'm thankful for his anxiety, paranoia and other issues. On a side note, there won't be any of "that" going on anytime soon. He's got a long way to go to prove anything to me. Hugs, I'll keep you updated.

hopeful4

Sending hope for you.

atalose

Not sure what effort you are talking about, a phone call? Made an appointment for next week? What’s wrong with right now today going to a meeting? Until he can get around to his recovery next week, these days until then are going to be filled with what? A drug addict in crisis mode who has no drugs, no money for drugs and living in your home? What’s your plan?

No one thinks you are a fool, It’s always good to have HOPE but HOPE is not a plan.

hopeful4

I second what atalose just said. You can hope and pray for the best, but prepare and plan for the worst.

SmallButMighty

Yes please do keep posting!

I don't think you are a fool now, nor would I think you were a fool should he use again. You are a person who loves an addict, we have all been there.I gave more "last" chances then I can even count. As was already said, hope is not a plan. I hope you have some boundaries in place and a plan for what you are going to do should he cross them. Me setting firm boundaries was how the real change started for my life... regardless of what stupid stuff my AXH did. Words are meaningless if they aren't backed up by actions. That goes for everybody, not just the addicts.

Just like you have hope for your addict's recovery, we here all have hope for you getting clear of the chaos too. Whether that means your addict actually cleaning up his act, or you having to go your separate ways, we are here for you.

AnvilheadII

how's it going, Katerina?

trailmix

Hey Katerina, hope you will check in just to let us know you are ok.

Seren

You can write on the front of the envelopes when they arrive:

"Return to Sender"
"No Known Forwarding Address"

Then put the envelopes back in the outgoing mail. And just keep doing this until the envelopes stop coming.

You are not required by any sense of obligation to continue to be his mail processing station and his cover for his PO. I am also concerned that the more you participate in his deception, the more you may be held responsible by his PO for the collaboration in the deception.

You've gotten a lot of great advice! Said with care and concern for you and with as much gentleness as possible, but you absolutely can go NC, you are just choosing not to.

Katerina1072

Hey all, things are ok. He's following the plan, so I'm just seeing how it goes. Thank you all!

trailmix

Good to hear, so glad you checked in!